Sandover Beach Memories

by Emma St Clair

  “Just so we’re clear, you know that I could take you, right? If I wanted.” Beau grinned at him. Jimmy snorted from where he stood a few feet away.

  Jackson grabbed Beau by the shoulder. “I think you just did. And I couldn’t be more thankful.”

  As Jackson climbed back into the Jeep, a feeling of loss settled over him. Beau had saved him from making a big mistake, but it didn’t change the fact that Jenna had kissed Steve. Now that his anger had dissipated, he realized that he had questions. Ones he should have asked Jenna before he stormed away.

  She had said that Steve kissed her. She said that she was a cheater. That was about the time his mind grew dark with rage. He didn’t even know when Steve had kissed her. Or if she had wanted him to. Knowing Steve, it could have been completely one-sided. Jackson should have asked. Instead, he took her words at face value and threw them back at her in some kind of moral outrage, fueled by his hurt.

  His stomach clenched. The words he said were inexcusable. Especially if he didn’t have the full story. What an idiot. An irrational, hot-headed, impulsive idiot.

  He may very well have misunderstood what Jenna meant. Now that he was calm, he couldn’t imagine her hooking up with Steve.

  That morning he had been worried that he had been pushing Jenna away. He didn’t need to wonder anymore. His actions and his words today almost certainly had destroyed whatever fragile relationship they had been building.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jenna sat sobbing loudly in Jackson’s office chair. She wasn’t just sad, but a big ball of bad feelings: hurt, angry, disappointed. Jackson’s final words to her had encompassed every sick and terrible thing she felt about herself after realizing that Steve and Anna were still married. Willing or not, she had been a part of Steve cheating on Anna. Even though she hadn’t initiated or wanted his kiss, it happened. She couldn’t erase the sick feeling.

  Jackson’s words only made it worse. And he hadn’t so much as apologized for whatever was happening with Mercer. As hurt as she had been about Mercer, she hadn’t lashed out at Jackson. He was looking at houses with her, for crying out loud, and Jenna still hadn’t been cruel. But one kiss from Steve—an unwanted kiss at that, and Jackson snapped. He had lined up his aim right where Jenna was most vulnerable and taken the shot.

  How could she have been so wrong about him? Steve, Mark, Jackson—she really was a terrible judge of character.

  Jackson seemed too good to be true: kind, sweet, thoughtful, faithful. He offered security—financial and otherwise—when she felt adrift. Was that part of the attraction—the idea that he could take care of her with all his money? She hoped that she wasn’t that shallow. At this point, Jenna didn’t know what she thought about anything. It was all just a big mess.

  After a moment, Jenna felt a tentative hand rubbing circles on her back. When her sobbing turned to sniffling, Jenna sat up. Mercer stood beside the chair and handed her a tissue. Her eyes were kind. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

  Jenna nodded. Any jealousy she had felt toward Mercer had died in the last few minutes when Jackson exploded on her. She had no more fight. The last few days had taken too much out of her. She simply felt limp. If Mercer witnessed all that and still wanted Jackson, she could have him.

  Mercer returned a few minutes later with a tea from the coffee bar. Jenna held it while it cooled. Mercer sat in a chair on the other side of the desk. Jenna knew she should feel awkward talking to this woman—the one Jackson worked with, admired, and was looking for houses with. But something about Mercer put her at ease. If she was upset with anyone, it was Jackson. And herself.

  A few minutes passed before Mercer spoke. “I’m really sorry about what Jackson said. It was really harsh. That’s not like him.” She paused and seemed to think hard about her next words. “You know he’s got an anger problem? It’s something he’s been working through for a few years.”

  No, that wasn’t something he had shared with her. One of many things, apparently. She was beginning to feel like Jackson was a stranger. “Not enough, obviously.”

  Mercer nodded. “I can see where you’d say that. From what I’ve heard and what he’s told me, his main issue was physical. Fighting. Lashing out. He’s made strides there.” She grimaced. “I haven’t seen him lose it like this. For what it’s worth, that’s a sign that he cares.”

  Jenna couldn’t even find the words to respond to that. He cared? Funny way of showing it. His bruised knuckles earlier in the week came to mind. That made more sense now. Why hadn’t he said something? Oh, yeah—because he had another girlfriend he shared that with.

  “How long have you guys been looking at houses?” Jenna asked. Her voice sounded hard and accusing. She didn’t care.

  Mercer made a face. “He asked me to start looking a few days ago. I’m sorry you found out that way.”

  A few days ago. That meant sometime this week, while Jackson was at Jenna’s house, kissing her and acting like he wanted to build a relationship with her, he was also looking at houses with Mercer.

  The pain was so familiar that she almost welcomed it. Not pleasant, but it was comfortable. It was an old friend that she knew well.

  “Jackson was going to tell you,” Mercer said. “He wanted it to be a surprise.”

  Was she for real? Jenna snorted. “Some surprise. The guy I thought I was falling in love with has another girlfriend and they’re looking at houses.”

  Mercer’s jaw fell open. “Wait, what? You think Jackson and I—you thought we were looking for house for the two of us? He and I are not in a relationship. He’s my boss.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.” Jenna set down her tea and clasped her hands, which had started to shake. “You and Jackson aren’t together?”

  “No. Definitely not. Is that what you thought?” Jenna could only nod. Mercer’s whole face turned red as she continued. “We weren’t looking at houses for me and Jackson. He asked for my help with—with properties. It was most definitely not for me and Jackson. We are not and have never been a couple.”

  Jenna got the definite sense that Mercer still held something back, but her words rang true. Hearing this should have been a relief, but Jenna felt too numb. It’s already over, Jenna realized. She had let go of Jackson the moment he stormed out of the office. Or maybe the instant his harsh words drove a knife into her heart.

  He was probably already done with her too since he thought that she had cheated on him with Steve. Did they even need to talk about it? They had kissed and spent time together, but he hadn’t ever said in words what they were building. Maybe it was better this way. They had saved themselves more heartache in the long run.

  Now Jenna started to feel something again, dragging her out of the limp numbness. She felt loss. Regret. Defeat. Jenna couldn’t open herself up to a relationship when they could hurt this badly. She had lost too much.

  “Can I ask why you assumed we were dating?” Mercer took a sip of tea. Her cheeks were still red.

  Jenna sighed. “Steve told me. He said he saw you looking for houses together.”

  “Steve.” Mercer made a disgusted sound. “I don’t mean to be so nosy, but what happened there? I don’t know you well, but Jackson thinks the world of you. I have a hard time picturing you getting swept up in Steve’s charms.” Mercer said this last word as though she was spitting poison.

  “I didn’t. We have history, but not one I wanted to restart. I was in the hospital visiting his parents. Long story. They’ve been our neighbors forever and I stayed close with his mom. He kissed me—I didn’t want to or respond. Maybe I didn’t pull away fast enough, but I was shocked and definitely didn’t reciprocate.”

  “Not surprising.”

  “I also didn’t know he was still married, not that it would have mattered. I think he was trying to hide it. He was never wearing a ring and deflected when I mentioned Anna. He kind of implied that they weren’t close anymore whenever I saw him.”

  Mercer made a noise in the back of
her throat. “I don’t know how their relationship works, but he’s got a reputation On Island for messing around. He’s hit on me before.”

  Jenna made a face. “Does Anna know?”

  “I’m not sure. She’s not the friendliest person. Not that anyone deserves that. I just mean that I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her. She seems like the type to shoot the messenger.”

  Jenna picked up her tea again and took a sip. It was now cold. “She already hates me, so maybe I should tell her.”

  “You’d do that?”

  “I went through this. For years, my husband cheated and I didn’t know. Years of my life, given to someone who was with other women. Many other women. If someone could have told me, I would have gotten out.”

  “You would have left him? Just like that?”

  Something in the question made Jenna pause. Mercer stared off behind Jenna with a distant look, like she was suddenly hundreds of miles away. It seemed like less of a question and more of a statement about something else.

  She’s hiding from something, Jenna realized. Or someone. The short, dyed hair and heavy eye make-up were a mask. Jenna didn’t know how she knew, but she did, like she recognized a mirrored pain. Different from Jenna’s, but still there. If she had to guess, Mercer had endured years of something and now had gotten out. Sandover was her fresh start.

  “Leaving is never easy,” Jenna said quietly, noting how Mercer’s gaze snapped back to her.

  “No, it isn’t.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes, Jenna sipping her tea and Mercer toying with her hands. Leaving. Would Jenna leave Sandover now to get distance from all this?

  No. The moment she thought it, Jenna knew that she didn’t want to go to Burlington with Rachel. Or anywhere else. Not really. This island—for all its memories and ghosts—held too strong of a pull. Real estate was booming, so she could probably get a job. Hopefully not wherever Anna worked. There were a few offices On Island, so it should be fine.

  She could surely find something small to rent or buy if her mother’s house sold. Maybe she would need to avoid Jackson for a bit, or ignore the feelings she still had for him and insist on a casual friendship. Could she handle that? The thought of seeing him but not being with him made her chest burn. But she was strong. She had been through worse.

  Jenna looked up at Mercer. “Hey, since you’ve been looking at properties for Jackson, would you want to help me find a place? I mean, if it’s not too awkward. I’m going to need a place to rent or maybe buy, depending on what I find.”

  “Really? You’d want my help?”

  “If you’d want to.”

  Mercer smiled. “I’d like that. And I’ve seen a few places that might be just what you’re looking for.”

  “Maybe next week, then.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll get your number from Jackson.” Mercer paused. “You are going to talk to him, right? Explain what happened with Steve. He obviously has the wrong idea.”

  “I’m sure we’ll talk,” Jenna said vaguely. “I don’t suppose you’ll keep this conversation between us?”

  Mercer didn’t answer right away. “I’m not one for sharing secrets. That said, if Jackson asks, I won’t lie.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Mercer, despite being maybe fifteen years younger, could make a really good friend, Jenna realized. She had a wisdom and depth that was surprising and possessed a quiet strength. She seemed dependable and fair. And if Jenna was right about Sandover being her escape, maybe Mercer needed a friend as well.

  “Fair enough. Thank you for the tea. And for talking to me.”

  “Anytime.”

  Jenna made her way out of the office and out into the store, which was more crowded than she’d ever seen it. She still wanted to make food for Ethel but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Maybe she could pick up a meal from a restaurant or something. Lazy, but probably better than whatever she would make.

  In the parking lot, people were taking down the tents and packing up their cars with the produce and goods left over from the Farmer’s Market. Jenna knew a lot of these faces, these people. Some simply smiled, but a few stopped her on the way to the car to tell her hello or say that they were sorry about her mother. This had been her mother’s home. She knew that, of course, but realized that she hadn’t really thought about it in that way. Her mom hadn’t just raised her children here, but after Jenna and Rachel were gone, after her husband died, she continued to grow roots. It could be that for Jenna too.

  Instead of driving home, Jenna went to the beach. She chose a different public access, so she wouldn’t have to look up at Jackson’s house or run into him. Walking straight onto the beach, she left her flip flops by the wooden steps and didn’t stop until the cold waves lapped at her ankles, making her gasp.

  The shock of the freezing water temperature freed up her tears. She stood there, the cold on her skin opening her up to really feel all the emotions roiling around in her belly.

  Anger toward Steve for being the jerk he was and involving himself in her life. Frustration that it took her this long to see him for who he was.

  Pain at the thought of letting Jackson go. Disappointment. Regret. There was a tiny sliver of hope too, one that tried to tell her Maybe if … But she shut that down. She had to. She needed to save herself from more pain.

  As she stood there, facing the powerful waves and letting the wind toss her hair around her face, another kind of feeling washed over her. It was the memory of being small. The childlike understanding of her place—not just on this beach or island, but her place in the universe. She was a speck. Her problems were tiny in the grand scheme of history. The roar of waves reminded her of the God that she had been pushing away for the last year, out of bitterness and anger and pain.

  Jenna was so small. And, as her faith seemed to stretch and unfurl within her, she knew that as small as she was, God cared. He saw her, just as he had seen Hagar in the story she loved so much in Genesis. Miserable, alone, suffering. Like Hagar, Jenna may have been tiny in the big, eternal scope of the world. But God knew her and he cared.

  As she lifted her arms above her head, Jenna continued to cry. This time they were tears of healing and of joy. The pain was still there and would be for a while. But the peace of God washed over her, making her feel like she had finally come home.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jackson was wading through bills and statements at his desk in the office at Bohn’s. It was after hours. He usually didn’t stay late unless there was a serious need. Which, today, there was.

  He had gotten another offer to sell. A lower one than the last, but still high enough to make sense. From a business standpoint, it would be stupid not to take it. Despite the success of the Bohn’s Local initiative they had launched almost a month ago, sales barely picked up. The store seemed more crowded, but not enough to make a dent. The store was still profitable, but the margin continued to shrink. The thought of selling and letting Bohn’s become a chain killed him.

  Not yet. He wasn’t ready to let go yet. It was probably inevitable, but he could keep the store running—for now.

  “Knock knock.” Mercer stood in the doorway.

  Jackson quickly swept the papers into a manila folder, and then stuffed it in a drawer. Way to hide that, Captain obvious. Mercer’s eyes were on the desk where he had put the folder. He cleared his throat.

  “Hey. I didn’t realize you were still here.”

  “Just finishing up a few things.” She leaned in the doorway and crossed her arms. “You know, you don’t have to hide that stuff from me. I have a pretty good idea about how things are going with the store. Bohn’s Local wasn’t the magic bullet we hoped it would be.”

  It was a statement, not a question. He sighed. “It’s a brilliant campaign. Definitely made an impact.”

  “Just not enough?”

  “I wish. Anyway, I got another offer to sell. One that seems stupid not to take.”

  “But you don’t
want to take it,” Mercer said.

  “I don’t. This is so much more than a store to me. It’s the legacy of the On Island community. One of the last strongholds of the changing island. It gives jobs to many local people. It’s also home to me in a lot of ways. I’m keeping it for emotional reasons, not business ones. For now, anyway.”

  Mercer nodded and gave him a pointed look. “For what it’s worth, sometimes we should do the stupid thing that’s more difficult.”

  She wasn’t just talking about the store and it wasn’t the first time she had tried to push him about Jenna. Jackson ran a hand over his jaw. He needed to shave. His stubble had turned into a half-beard. Not a good look on him, but more and more in the past few weeks, he just hadn’t cared. It started the moment he drove away after losing his control and punching Beau. He spent the next few days holed up in his house, too ashamed of his own behavior to talk to anyone.

  Beau and Jimmy finally showed up to practically drag him out of bed and back to daily life. “Stop running,” Beau had told him. “Whatever you’re struggling with, you’ve got to hit it head on.”

  “I feel too broken to fix,” Jackson had told him.

  When Beau had told him that he was being prideful, Jackson had scoffed. Until Beau explained. “Think about it: you saying that you aren’t fixable is a different kind of pride. Pride is making you big and God small. If you’re saying you are too broken to fix, it’s a backwards kind of pride. You think your brokenness is bigger than God’s ability to help you.”

  It made a weird kind of sense and finally got him out of the house. But Jackson was still wallowing. Not only in self-pity, but in thoughts that he knew were self-destructive. He didn’t deserve happiness or someone like Jenna. He couldn’t trust himself to care for someone because of his anger. He wasn’t worth it. She deserved better than a man who assumed the worst and flew into a rage, punching his best friend in the face.