Private

by Kate Brian

  wants to speak to you again,” I said quickly.

  He understood everything. That much was clear.

  “Oh! That’s just wrong!” one of the kids at the table cried. A few

  “Sure,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I was that stunned laughed, but most looked as sickened as I felt inside.

  by my own reprehensible actions. That humiliated by his mature

  James shoved away from the table, his chair clattering against

  response. I had no idea when I would ever have the chance to get the empty one behind it.

  Kiran by herself—I had never seen her without at least one of her

  “Where’re you going?” I asked in a panic. At the Billings table, friends by her side, except for the time she was with James—but I Noelle glared.

  would do it if I could. I figured I owed this kid that much.

  “Where do you think I’m going?” he said through his teeth. “If

  James grabbed his stuff and skulked out of the room, much to

  she wants to say all that she can say it to my face.”

  the glee of his audience. I was almost surprised when they didn’t My heart lurched and I grabbed his arm, stopping him.

  applaud.

  Somehow I knew that I couldn’t let James the Dreck humiliate

  Slowly, I walked toward the Billings table, willing myself not to Kiran in front of the entire school. Somehow I knew that would

  heave. But when I saw the amused expressions on their faces, the

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  barely-contained misery on Kiran’s, I realized I was in desperate need of some air. I walked right past them and out the double doors, pausing under the rain-soaked eaves. Thunder rumbled overhead

  and I hugged my stomach, struggling not to cry. What had I just done?

  ALL LIES

  “Think it’ll all be worth it?”

  My hand flew up as Thomas pushed away from the wall. His dark

  jacket was soaked and raindrops dripped from his hair.

  “What the hell? Why are you always lurking?” I demanded,

  scared half to death.

  Turned out I didn’t have to figure out a way to get Kiran alone. When Thomas smiled slowly and leaned toward me. Even in all the

  I walked out of Bradwell the following morning with Constance and roiling emotion, my heart had the temerity to respond.

  the others, she stood up from the nearest stone bench in the quad.

  “Don’t get in over your head, new girl,” he said. Then he looked I could see the nervousness in her eyes.

  me up and down. The covetousness in his eyes both flattered and

  “I’ll see you in class,” I told Constance as I split away.

  unnerved me. It was as if he believed that I in some way belonged to Kiran drew herself up with a breath as I approached. By the time him. “I don’t think I could handle it.”

  I got to her, any uncertainty was gone and her imperious, blasé For a split second he loomed even closer, I could feel his breath demeanor was back in place.

  on my face and I knew for sure he was going to kiss me. But instead

  “Hi,” I said. My turn to be uncertain.

  he smiled and turned and walked off into the rain.

  “What did he say to you?” she asked point-blank. “Not that I

  care. I just need to make sure that he got the message.”

  Lies. All of it. Lies.

  “He got the message,” I told her. “Don’t worry.”

  She stared. The gold flecks in her eyes seemed to pulsate. “Well?

  What did he say? ”

  I cleared my throat. “He said he’s sorry,” I told her. “He said to get you alone and tell you that he’s sorry.”

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  Kiran blinked. “He said that?”

  “Yeah,” I told her, my curiosity overwhelming. “Why would he

  say that after what I did to him?”

  “I don’t know,” Kiran said, shaking her head as she stared past me. She cracked the briefest of smiles. “That’s James.”

  THE HERD

  I smiled too. We were sharing a moment here. An actual

  moment. Kiran was letting me see a part of her that she would never let Noelle and the others see. I was sure of it. Her big eyes suddenly filled with tears.

  “Hey. Are you all right?” I asked.

  “You’re getting enough to eat?” my father asked me.

  Instantly she refocused. When she looked at me again she was

  “Yeah,” I told him. “The food here is good.”

  all business. “We never spoke,” she said.

  Not a total lie. It was at least better than the food at Croton High.

  My heart thumped. “Where do they think you are?”

  I propped my feet up on the small shelf under the pay phone. My

  “None of your business,” she said. She rolled her eyes at my

  butt already hurt after just two minutes on the small wooden bench.

  flinch. “Look, I know you didn’t tell them about him and I appreci-There were no phone jacks in the rooms, so everyone on the floor ate that, all right?” she said under her breath as if, at that very was supposed to use this one public phone. Everyone I knew had a moment, they were listening. “But I need you to do it again. This cell, though. I was the only resident who ever used it.

  conversation never happened. It goes with you to the grave.”

  “I miss you, kiddo,” my father said.

  What are you so afraid of? What are you so afraid of?

  It was weird talking to him on the phone. Aside from quick calls to I wanted to scream it, but I bit my tongue.

  ask for a ride, I had never talked to him on the phone in my life. I

  “Okay,” I said.

  imagined him sitting at the table in the kitchen, the sports section

  “Good.” She nodded resolutely and slipped her dark sunglasses

  open in front of him, and the image depressed me. With my finger I over her eyes. Just before she strolled off, I could have sworn she traced the words “Slayer Rules!” had been etched into the wall.

  muttered a thank-you.

  “I miss you, too, Dad.”

  “I’m looking forward to parents’ weekend,” he said. “We

  both are.”

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  My heart thumped. I had read about parents’ weekend in the

  It was Sunday evening and all the girls on my floor had gathered Easton Handbook, but I had blocked out its existence. I couldn’t in the common room to watch some random reality show. It was all imagine my parents here any more than I could imagine them on

  they had talked about all day. I had never seen it before and that was Mars. I also couldn’t imagine them making the drive without my

  the subject of at least half an hour of incredulous conversation after mother bitching and whining the entire time. Why my father

  dinner. Now I was finally going to see what all the fuss was about.

  actually thought it was an attractive idea was beyond me.

  Couldn’t wait. Really.

  “I’d better go,” he said. “Mom wants to eat dinner.”

  I plopped down on the loveseat next to Constance, who had

  “Okay,” I said. Now I saw her sitting there as well, glowering at saved me the space. As soon as the first commercial appeared,

  him over a tray of gray meatloaf.

  Lorna turned from her spot on the floor. She was seated on a pink

  “She says hello,” my father said.

  silk pillow she had brought down from her room.

  No, she doesn’t.

  “So what do you do on Sunday nights?” she asked me. She had

  “Okay. Bye, dad,” I said.

  some kind of smelly blue mask smeared all over her face,
and her

  “Love you, Reed.”

  curly hair was up in two buns at the top of her head. She looked like

  “You, too.”

  some kind of comic book villain. The Blue Terror.

  I hung up the phone and took a moment to catch my breath. It

  “Read, mostly,” I said.

  was amazing how each phone call pulled me back there so entirely.

  Missy scoffed and Lorna rolled her eyes. These were their two

  To that misery, that fear, that darkness. Each time I spoke to my favorite affectations. At any given moment you could find one of father, I had to recompose myself. Remind myself that I wasn’t

  them doing one or the other.

  there anymore. And then, just as I did every morning that I didn’t During subsequent commercials, Constance updated me on

  wake up to my mother shouting at me from her room to get up and the backstory, but I only half-listened. I knew I should be back in bring her her morning pills, I would smile. My life was my own

  my room or at the library, reading through the extra history texts now. I was still getting used to it.

  I had yet to wade through. Or practicing French pronunciation.

  A rap on the glass door of the booth made me jump. Constance’s

  Or doing trig problems. Pretty much the only class I wasn’t feel-eager face looked down at me through the foggy glass.

  ing stressed about was my lit class, and that was only because I

  “Come on! You’re missing it!” She waved maniacally for me to

  spent all my Sundays up until now reading. But as much work as I follow her, then ran. I sighed and hoisted myself up.

  had to do, I wanted to be social. I needed to be.

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  Of course, I wished I was spending this time socializing with

  result, they had dwindled from four a year to exactly one—the

  the Billings Girls, but that was not an option. I had spent my

  prom—which was only for juniors and seniors. As a result, I had meals with them ever since Noelle had stolen my tray, running for never danced with a boy in my life. Not once.

  their food and executing every other small errand that popped

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I actually have a lot of work to do.”

  into their minds, but our contact had yet to extend outside the

  “You read on Sundays and you’re gonna do homework on a cafeteria.

  Saturday night?” Lorna said, cracking her mask as she pulled a face.

  “So, everyone going to the dance on Saturday?” Diana asked as

  “Back up, ladies—we have a party animal.”

  the scene faded to black, then to a car commercial. Kiki sat next to

  “Don’t bother with the reverse psychology, Lorna. There’s no

  her, head bobbing to her personal soundtrack as she flipped

  way she’ll go,” Missy said, going to work on her cuticles with a pair through the latest issue of In Touch.

  of cuticle scissors.

  “Of course,” Missy said. She pushed herself up from the floor

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  where she had been painting her toenails and sat on the couch, cap-

  “It means, you’re a sheep,” she said, looking me in the eye. It ping her nail polish bottle. “I need to pick out my boyfriend.”

  was all I could do to keep from staring down the deep caverns of her Like she was shopping for socks.

  nostrils. If I looked long enough, would I be able to spot the black-

  “We never had dances at my old school,” Constance said. “Well,

  ness of her heart? “There’s no way the Billings Girls are going to go, unless you count charity events, but then all the parents were there.

  because they think they’re all above any and all school functions, There’s no parents at this one, right?”

  and we all know that whatever they do, you’ll do. Isn’t that what Missy answered with another eye roll.

  sheep do? Follow the herd?”

  “We’ll take that as a no,” I said.

  Lorna snickered along with her friends. Constance bit her lip

  “Then I’m definitely there,” Constance said. “What about you,

  and glanced warily in my direction, wondering if I was going to Reed?”

  explode.

  I flushed at the very idea of attending a school dance. I had never There were about a million things I could have said. I could have shown my face at one in Croton. Only the cheerleaders and male

  pointed out the fact that she was just jealous that the Billings Girls jocks went to them and later they were always crashed by the

  knew I existed. I could have reminded her that she was the one who burnout crowd and eventually closed down early by the cops. As a was so looking forward to being a Billings Girl next year, and if she

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  so wanted to be one, why was she going to the dance? But I knew that whatever I said would come off as a defensive rant.

  I wasn’t going to give Missy Thurber the satisfaction. Even

  though my blood was boiling hot enough to spew lava, I just stood up without saying anything and calmly walked back to my room,

  LIAR

  wondering why I had ever craved the friendship of other girls.

  “Are you going to talk to him?” Constance asked me breathlessly.

  I stood against the wall of the great room, where Easton appar-

  ently held all their events from fundraisers to blood drives, staring across the room at Thomas, who was surrounded by people.

  Freshmen and sophomores mostly, since it seemed that most

  juniors and seniors had avoided this, the first school dance,

  including—as predicted—the Billings Girls. Missy was right. They were above events like this. Far too sophisticated, too cool, too blessed with thousands of better things to do. I had come for exactly three reasons: 1) because Constance had begged me to, and I knew she would never let it die until I said yes; 2) because Missy had publicly declared there was no way I would show; and 3) because I myself had nothing to hold me back other than a stack of homework the size of a Buick.

  What I didn’t get was why Thomas was there. If the Billings Girls were too good to be here, he certainly was as well.

  “I might,” I said.

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  If he wasn’t so clearly otherwise occupied.

  Right. Like you could do it.

  I watched with a pang of jealousy as a pretty, petite brunette

  “A person who’s coming over here,” Constance said under her

  laughed at something he said. Ever since that look Thomas had given breath.

  me outside the cafeteria, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about What? I looked up. Slowly, Thomas was making his way across

  him. Even though I knew he was probably trouble, I just felt a deep the room. He looked right into my eyes and smiled the whole way.

  pull toward him and a sense of connection that was weirdly powerful He stopped right in front of me and tucked his chin. “Where’s

  considering how few times we’d actually spoken. But the heart wanted your entourage?” he asked.

  what it wanted. And tonight it definitely wanted Thomas.

  “My entourage?”

  All around the room, people kept to the walls, talking and laughing

  “The Billings Girls,” he said. “I thought you didn’t leave home or staring out at the empty dance floor while the DJ spun random without them.”

  dance hits of the last ten years. A few teachers roamed the periphery, Behind me, Missy snorted. Was this why he had come over here?

  staring people down and looking generally peeved. It seemed
as if To mock me?

  Easton had tapped its sternest adults to chaperone the event, and

  “I do what I want to do,” I said, lifting my chin slightly.

  I wondered if anyone would be dancing or at least having some

  “Good,” he replied. “You don’t need them anyway.”

  kind of fun if these sentries of doom weren’t present. All in all, it Yes, I did. And if he didn’t realize that, he was a lot more clue-probably would have been the lamest dance I had ever been to. If less about this school of his than he knew.

  I had ever been to a dance before.

  “Well, someone should be dancing,” he said. “And I think that

  “Why don’t you just go ask him to dance?” Constance said.

  someone is Reed Brennan.” He smiled slowly and offered both his

  “Uh, no one else is dancing,” I said.

  hands.

  “Well, then, at least go say hello,” Constance said. “C’mon. We Damn.

  need some romance around here and it can’t be me since I have,

  “But . . . no one else is dancing,” I said.

  you know, Clint. I need to live vicariously through you.”

  “What’s the matter? You scared?” he asked.

  “Look, I never even said I liked the guy,” I said.

  I narrowed my eyes. “Please.”

  She scoffed. “Yeah, right. It’s, like, so obvious.”

  I took his hands and he backed toward the dance floor, watch-

  Oh, God. Was it? How humiliating.

  ing my eyes the whole way. Everyone in the room stared. The

  “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Missy said, horning in on the teachers looked almost disgusted that someone actually had the

  conversation. “Go up to him already. He’s just a person.”

  gall to dance at this dance. The guys seemed merely intrigued, but

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  I could practically taste the jealousy radiating off the female population. The hottest guy there, the only guy with the guts to actually dance, had chosen to dance with me.

  Thomas paused. My heart pounded in my every pore. Without a

  word, he lifted my arms and placed them around his neck. Then he DANGEROUS?

  slid his arms around my waist, his hands resting lightly just at the small of my back. His eyes never left mine. As we started to step from side to side, my breath grew short. Every inch of me ached to touch him. Arms and hands were not enough.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked me, his voice sending