Housing Problem

by Henry Kuttner

  In the morning there was a red bottle and a newspaper on the little porch. The headline said: EXTRA—FOTZPA GOES UP!

  “My work’s going to the dogs,” I said. “I can’t concentrate for thinking about this business—and wondering. . .“

  “Me, too. We’ve got to find out somehow.”

  I peeked. A shade came down so sharply that it almost tore free from its roller.

  “Do you think they’re mad?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Jackie said, “I do. We must be bothering the very devil out of ‘em. Look—I’ll bet they’re sitting inside by the windows, boiling mad, waiting for us to go away. Maybe we’d better go. It’s time for the bus anyway.”

  I looked at the house, and the house, I felt, looked at me with an air of irritated and resentful fury. Oh, well. We went to work.

  We were tired and hungry when we got back that night, but even before removing our coats we went into Mr. Henchard’s room. Silence. I switched on the light while Jackie pulled off the cretonne cover from the cage.

  I heard her gasp. Instantly I jumped forward, expecting to see a little green guy on that absurd porch—or anything, for that matter. I saw nothing unusual. There was no smoke coming from the chimney.

  But Jackie was pointing to the front door. There was a neat, painted sign tacked to the panel. It said, very sedately, simply, and finally: TO LET.

  “Oh, oh, oh!” Jackie said.

  I gulped. All the shades were up in the tiny windows and the chintz curtains were gone. We could see into the house for the first time. It was completely and awfully empty.

  No furniture, anywhere. Nothing at all but a few scrapes and scratches on the polished hardwood floor. The wallpaper was scrupulously clean; the patterns, in the various rooms, were subdued and in good taste. The tenants had left their house in order.

  “They moved,” I said.

  “Yes,” Jackie murmured. “They moved out.”

  All of a sudden I felt lousy. The house—not the tiny one in the cage, but our own—was awfully empty. You know how it is when you’ve been on a visit, and come home into a place that’s full of nothing and nobody?

  I grabbed Jackie and held her tight. She felt pretty bad, too. You wouldn’t think that a tiny TO LET sign could make so much difference.

  “What’ll Mr. Henchard say’?” Jackie asked, watching me with big eyes.

  Mr. Henchard came home two nights later. We were sitting by the fire when he walked in, his Gladstone swinging, the black cigarette holder jutting from below his beak. “Mph,” he greeted us.

  “Hello,” I said weakly. “Glad you’re back.”

  “Claptrap!” said Mr. Henchard firmly as he headed for his room. Jackie and I looked at one another.

  Mr. Henchard squalled in sheer fury. His twisted face appeared around the door.

  “Busybodies!” he snarled. “I told you—”

  ‘Wait a minute,” I said.

  “I’m moving Out!” Mr. Henchard barked. “Now!” His head popped

  back out of sight; the door slammed and locked. Jackie and I waited, half expecting to be spanked.

  Mr. Henchard bounced out of his room, Gladstone suspended from one hand. He whirled past us toward the door.

  I tried to stop him. “Mr. Henchard—”

  “Claptrap!”

  Jackie pulled at one arm, I got a grip on the other. Between us, we managed to bring him to a stop.

  “Wait,” I said. “You’ve forgotten your—uh—bird cage.”

  “That’s what you think,” he snarled at me. “You can have it. Meddlers! It took me months to build that little house just right, and months more to coax ‘em to live in it. Now you’ve spoiled it. They won’t be back.”

  ‘Who?” Jackie gulped.

  His beady eyes were fixed malignantly on us. “My tenants. I’ll have to build a new house now—ha! But this time I won’t leave it within reach of meddlers.”

  ‘Wait,” I said. “Are—are you a m-magician?”

  Mr. Henchard snorted. “I’m a good craftsman. That’s all it takes. You treat them right, and they’ll treat you right. Still—” And he gleamed a bit with pride. “—it isn’t everybody who knows how to build the right sort of house for them!”

  He seemed to be softening, but my next question roused him again.

  ‘9AThat were they?” he snapped. “The Little Folk, of course. Call ‘em what you like. Nixie, pixie, leprechaun, brownie—they’ve had lots of names. But they want a quiet, respectable neighborhood to live in, not a lot of peeping and prying. Gives the property a bad name. No wonder they moved out! And—mph!—they paid their rent on time, too. Still, the Little Folk always do,” he added.

  “Rent?” Jackie said faintly.

  “Luck,” Mr. Henchard said. “Good luck. What did you expect they’d pay in—money? Now I’ll have to build another house to get my special luck back.”

  He gave us one parting glare, jerked open the door, and stamped out. We stood looking after him. The bus was pulling into the gas station down the slope, and Mr. Henchard broke into a run.

  He caught the bus, all right, but only after he’d fallen flat on his face.

  I put my arm around Jackie.

  “Oh, gosh,” she said. “His bad luck’s working already.”

  “Not bad,” I pointed out. “Just normal. When you rent a little house to pixies, you get a lot of extra good luck.”

  We sat in silence, watching each other. Finally without saying a word, we went into Mr. Henchard’s vacated room. The bird cage was still there. So was the house. So was the TO LET sign.

  “Let’s go to Terry’s,” I said.

  We stayed later than usual. Anybody would have thought we didn’t want to go home because we lived in a haunted house. Except that in our case the exact opposite was true. Our house wasn’t haunted any more. It was horribly, desolately, coldly vacant.

  I didn’t say anything till we’d crossed the highway, climbed the slope, and unlocked our front door. We went, I don’t know why, for a final look at the empty house. The cover was back on the cage, where I’d replaced it, but—thump, rustle, pop! The house was tenanted again!

  We backed out and closed the door before we breathed.

  “No,” Jackie said. “We mustn’t look. We mustn’t ever, ever, look under that cover.”

  “Never,” I said. “Who do you suppose . . .“

  We caught a very faint murmur of what seemed to be boisterous singing. That was fine. The happier they were, the longer they’d stay. When we went to bed, I dreamed that I was drinking beer with Rip Van Winkle and the dwarfs. I drank ‘em all under the table.

  It was unimportant that the next morning was rainy. We were convinced that bright yellow sunlight was blazing in through the windows. I sang under the shower. Jackie burbled inarticulately and joyously. We didn’t open Mr. Henchard’s door.

  “Maybe they want to sleep late,” I said.

  It’s always noisy in the machine-shop, and a hand-truckload of rough cylinder casings going past doesn’t increase the din noticeably. At three o’clock that afternoon, one of the boys was rolling the stuff along to­ ward the storeroom, and I didn’t hear it or see it until I’d stepped back from my planer, cocking my eye at its adjustment.

  Those big planers are minor juggernauts. They have to be bedded in concrete, in heavy thigh-high cradles on which a heavily weighted metal monster—the planer itself—slides back and forth.

  I stepped back, saw the hand-truck coming, and made a neat waltz turn to get out of its way. The boy with the hand-truck swerved, the cylinders began to fall out, and I took an unbalanced waltz step that ended with my smacking my thighs against the edge of the cradle and doing a neat, suicidal half-somersault. When I landed, I was jammed into the metal cradle, looking at the planer as it zoomed down on me. I’ve never in my life seen anything move so fast.

  It was all over before I knew it. I was struggling to bounce myself out, men were yelling, the planer was bellowing with bloodthirsty tri
umph, and the cylinder heads were rolling around underfoot all over the place. Then there was the crackling, tortured crash of gears and cams going to pieces. The planer stopped. My heart started.

  After Pd changed my clothes, I waited for Jackie to knock off. Rolling home on the bus, I told her about it. “Pure dumb luck. Or else a miracle. One of those cylinders bounced into the planer in just the right place. The planer’s a mess, but I’m not. I think we ought to write a note of thanks to our—uh—tenants.”

  Jackie nodded with profound conviction. “It’s the luck they pay their rent in, Eddie. I’m glad they paid in advance, too!”

  “Except that I’m off the payroll till the planer’s fixed,” I said.

  We went home through a storm. We could hear a banging in Mr. Henchard’s room, louder than any noise that had ever come from the bird cage. We rushed upstairs and found the casement window had come open. I closed it. The cretonne cover had been half blown off the cage, and I started to pull it back in place. Jackie was beside me. We looked at the tiny house; my hand didn’t complete its gesture.

  The TO LET sign had been removed from the door. The chimney was smoking greasily. The blinds were tightly down, as usual, but there were other changes.

  There was a small smell of cooking—scorned beef and skunk cabbage, I thought wildly. Unmistakably it came from the pixie house. On the formerly immaculate porch was a slopping-over garbage can, and a minuscule orange crate with unwashed, atom-sized tin cans and what were indubitably empty liquor bottles. There was a milk bottle by the door, too, filled with a biliously lavender liquid. It hadn’t been taken in yet, nor had the morning paper. It was certainly a different paper. The lurid size of the headlines indicated that it was a yellow tabloid.

  A clothesline, without any clothes hanging on it at the moment, had been tacked up from one pillar of the porch to a corner of the house.

  I jerked down the cover, and fled after Jackie into the kitchen. “My God!” I said.

  ‘We should have asked for references,” she gasped. “Those aren’t our tenants!”

  “Not the tenants we used to have,” I agreed. “I mean the ones Mr. Henchard used to have. Did you see that garbage pail on the porch!”

  “And the clothesline,” Jackie added. “How—how sloppy.”

  “Jukes, Kallikaks and Jeeter Lesters. This isn’t Tobacco Road.”

  Jackie gulped. “Mr. Henchard said they wouldn’t be back, you know.”

  “Yeah, but, well—”

  She nodded slowly, as though beginning to understand. I said, “Give.”

  “I don’t know. Only Mr. Henchard said the Little Folk wanted a quiet, respectable neighborhood. And we drove them out. I’ll bet we gave the bird cage—the location—a bad reputation. The better-class pixies won’t live there. It’s—oh, dear—maybe it’s a slum.”

  “You’re very nuts,” I said.

  “I’m not. It must be that. Mr. Henchard said as much. He told us he’d have to build a new house. Desirable tenants won’t move into a bad neighborhood. We’ve got sloppy pixies, that’s all.”

  My mouth opened. I stared at her.

  “Uh-huh. The tenement type. I’ll bet they keep a pixilated goat in the kitchen,” Jackie babbled.

  “Well,” I said, “we’re not going to stand for it. I’ll evict ‘em. I—I’ll pour water down their chimney. Where’s the teakettle’?”

  Jackie grabbed me. “No, you don’t! We can’t evict them, Eddie. We mustn’t. They pay their rent,” she said.

  And then I remembered. “The planer—”

  “Just that,” Jackie emphasized, digging her fingers into my biceps. “You’d have been killed today if you hadn’t had some extra good luck. Those pixies may be sloppy, but they pay their rent.”

  I got the angle. “Mr. Henchard’s luck worked differently, though. Remember when he kicked that rock down the beach steps, and they started to cave in? Me, I do it the hard way. I fall in the planer, sure, and a cylinder bounces after me and stops the machine but I’ll be out of a job till the planer’s fixed. Nothing like that ever happened to Mr. Henchard.”

  “He had a better class of tenant,” Jackie explained, with a wild gleam in her eye. “If Mr. Henchard had fallen in the planer, a fuse would have blown, I’ll bet. Our tenants are sloppy pixies, so we get sloppy luck.”

  “They stay,” I said. ‘We own a slum. Let’s get out of here and go down to Terry’s for a drink.”

  We buttoned our raincoats and departed, breathing the fresh, wet air. The storm was slashing down as furiously as ever. I’d forgotten my flashlight, but I didn’t want to go back for it. We headed down the slope, toward Terry’s faintly visible lights.

  It was dark. We couldn’t see much through the storm. Probably that was why we didn’t notice the bus until it was bearing down on us, headlights almost invisible in the dimout.

  I started to pull Jackie aside, out of the way, but my foot slipped

  on the wet concrete, and we took a nosedive. I felt Jackie’s body hurtle against me, and the next moment we were floundering in the muddy ditch beside the highway while the bus roared past us and was gone.

  We crawled out and made for Terry’s. The barman stared at us, said, “Whew!” and set up drinks without being asked.

  “Unquestionably,” I said, “our lives have just been saved.”

  “Yes,” Jackie agreed, scraping mud from her ears. “But it wouldn’t have happened this way to Mr. Henchard.”

  The barman shook his head. “Fall in the ditch, Eddie? And you too? Bad luck!”

  “Not bad,” Jackie told him feebly. “Good. But sloppy.” She lifted her drink and eyed me with muddy misery. I clinked my glass against hers.

  “Well,” I said. “Here’s luck.”

  FB2 document info

  Document ID: ooofbtools-2013-3-23-11-8-11-326

  Document version: 1

  Document creation date: 23.03.2013

  Created using: OOoFBTools-2.9 (ExportToFB21), FictionBook Editor Release 2.6.6 software

  Document authors :

  About

  This file was generated by Lord KiRon's FB2EPUB converter version 1.1.5.0.

  (This book might contain copyrighted material, author of the converter bears no responsibility for it's usage)

  Этот файл создан при помощи конвертера FB2EPUB версии 1.1.5.0 написанного Lord KiRon.

  (Эта книга может содержать материал который защищен авторским правом, автор конвертера не несет ответственности за его использование)

  http://www.fb2epub.net

  https://code.google.com/p/fb2epub/