The Kicking the Bucket List

by Cathy Hopkins

  My heart sank and I sat on the loo seat for a few minutes while I tried to take in the disappointment. Daniel wouldn’t be coming after all. All week I had been looking forward to having him here with me, my new partner, my soul mate. It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, I told myself. Eighty of my friends are out there. Good friends. It’s my night. I can’t let this spoil things. I won’t. But too late. I felt like crying and cry I did.

  22

  Fleur

  Saturday 12 March

  It was only sex. Up against the wall, didn’t make it to the bed or manage to get our clothes off type sex, but still only sex. Purely for pleasure. And, truth be told, it was me who seduced him when he came over to collect a jacket he’d left at my place. I’d had a few drinks and was feeling reckless and alone. I wanted to see if I still had the touch and, though he resisted at first, it didn’t take long to get him to change his mind. It had been a while for me and I thought I’d lost my sex drive, but he soon awakened the dead. Queen of the Zombies, alive again and ready to limbo, I thought as he bent me over the sofa.

  I meant it to be just the one night but it turned into a few. Why not? Daniel was fit and a good lover and we both agreed, no strings attached, no ties. I did feel a pang of guilt. Of course I did. It had been obvious from the beginning that Dee liked him, and I asked about her before Daniel and I laid a finger on each other. I do have some standards.

  ‘Nothing has happened between us,’ he said, ‘and it never will. Dee has a crush on me, that’s all. Apart from the fact that she’s not my type and I don’t fancy her, I can tell from the short time I’ve spent with her that I can’t get involved with women like her. They want too much. Commitment, a relationship going into dotage. Not for me.’

  I felt sad for Dee but reassured that I wouldn’t be taking anything from her. I asked him never to let on to her that we’d met up. ‘I won’t,’ he said. ‘From what I can see, Dee’s a sweet woman and I wouldn’t want to hurt her or cause a loss of confidence or more sibling rivalry. Yes, best we keep quiet about it.’

  I was glad about that. I wouldn’t want to hurt her either, and we had just started to get on better. I know, I was a bit sulky in February. I put it down to PMT. It’s plagued me all my life. One of my exes said I turn into Psycho Woman at that time of the month. ‘And don’t tell Rose about us either,’ I asked. ‘I don’t want her knowing my business either.’

  ‘No problem there,’ Daniel replied. ‘Our secret.’

  Although we were both adults and I didn’t need my sisters’ permission, it made our liaisons feel forbidden and all the more pleasurable for that. It’s not going to last. For one thing, Daniel’s not a stayer, anyone could see that, and for another, I don’t want anything from him apart from a bit of fun every now and again. It works for now. Naughty but nice.

  23

  Dee

  Saturday 9 April, morning

  Spring at last. March had been a hideous month, with day after day of relentless rain, but the clouds had finally blown away, the skies had cleared and there was lightness in the air heralding better weather. As I boarded the train in Plymouth to Exeter, a text from Mum came through. I felt a shiver of anticipation. I loved getting her messages, partly because they were from her, but also partly because it was Daniel who was sending them and it was contact with him as much as Mum. He’d more than made up for missing my birthday. Apparently the swami had been taken ill and he’d had to take him to hospital. He was so apologetic and had arrived the week after my birthday with flowers and a beautiful card but, best of all, he’d brought himself.

  Mum’s text read: ‘A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money,’ John Ruskin (1819–1900).

  Another quote about kindness. Most amusing, Mum, I thought. She’d have timed it to remind Rose, Fleur and me to be kind to each other on this, our fourth weekend of the programme. OK, I said to myself, I will take heed and really put it into practice this time. I shall be kindness personified.

  A lot had happened since our last get-together in February when Fleur had flounced off in a strop. She’d clearly repented because, a few days after my birthday in March, she’d sent the most stunning bouquet of white roses and a card showing two little girls holding hands in the sunshine. The caption on the front said ‘A sister is a little bit of childhood that can’t be lost.’ Inside was a message saying, ‘Wishing you the very best of everything for the next year, Love Fleur XXX’. Schmaltzy for Fleur, but sweet, and I accepted her gesture with good grace. As much as anything, it meant she’d stopped sulking.

  This weekend, I hoped to make further progress with her and Rose. So far, we’d met as Mum asked us to, every other month, with hardly any contact in between. I was sure that wasn’t what Mum had intended.

  I could understand her thinking in what she’d got us to do so far. Get us all to each other’s homes. Give Rose a break from the city by coming to Cornwall. Give me a break from budgeting and scrabbling to make ends meet with the weekend of pampering and a stay at Fleur’s luxurious flat. Send us quotes to try and inspire us to be nicer to each other. But I was starting to feel that – although the tasks were enjoyable enough and enlightening at times – the months in between were important too. What were Rose and Fleur up to? How do they feel about their lives? What was really going on in their heads?

  On the weekends so far, there had been times when we were alone with each other in the evening or at lunch, but we’d managed to avoid each other at other times, or had tiptoed around, not wanting to be too intrusive or assume a closeness that was no longer there. I certainly didn’t feel that I was much closer to either of them, for all of Mum’s best intentions. I wondered what treats she had in store for us this time. I was surprised when I was asked to go to Exeter for this weekend because I was expecting to go to Rose’s house – but no matter, whatever was planned, I intended to be bolder, more inquisitive and kinder.

  Our meeting place was a hotel near the station. I was first to arrive to find a shabby-looking place with swirly carpets and a vague smell of boiled vegetables in reception. Rose and Fleur were coming from London and Daniel joining us from Bristol, where he’d been staying at one of the Heaven on Earth centres. In the last few months, we had only managed to see each other three times. He had work commitments and got away when his schedule allowed. I didn’t press for more or complain. The last thing I wanted to be was a needy, clingy partner. I recognized that he was a free spirit and was happy to give him space and let him come to me when he could. In fact, the time apart only served to make our time together more precious and passionate.

  *

  Rose and Fleur looked out of place when they arrived in the downmarket hotel. Fleur was dressed in skin-tight white jeans, white cowboy boots and a pink silk shirt. Rose in a tailored black jacket, jeans and loafers. She looked tired, and for the first time I thought: Rose is ageing. I looked reasonably smart too, with teal linen trousers and a turquoise tunic over them. It had been sunny when I’d set off but the weather had changed and I was freezing. All in an effort not to look too shoddy next to my immaculately turned-out sisters. I studied them to see what it was that marked them out as people with money – Rose’s Mulberry handbag? Fleur’s Prada? The Chanel sunglasses that Rose wore? Whatever, they wafted in with the kind of London style that attracted stares from the staff and other customers in reception.

  Fleur wrinkled her nose. ‘I hope we’re not staying here,’ she said to Daniel who arrived moments after.

  Daniel shook his head and, after talking to a lady with a bad perm on reception, led us to a small conference room at the back of the hotel. Rose went straight over to a framed painting of a river, straightened it, then took a seat at the plastic table. That was wonky too, so Rose took some paper from her bag and put it under the offending leg.

  ‘How have you been since I last saw you, Rose?’ I asked, once Fleur and I’d settled next to her and Daniel was busy at a second table in the corner setting u
p his computer.

  ‘Good. Why?’

  ‘I was thinking that I don’t know much about your life any more and how you really are.’

  For some odd reason, Rose glanced over at Daniel. ‘I’m fine. Busy. Work. You know. How are you?’

  ‘Good, thanks.’

  ‘Still painting the birds?’ asked Fleur.

  ‘I am and I’ve almost got enough for an exhibition. I might have one in the summer. The place will be full of tourists eager to buy a memento from a local artist.’

  ‘Don’t they want seascapes, landscapes?’ asked Rose.

  ‘They do, but not always.’

  ‘Big mistake to do birds then,’ said Rose. ‘Give your customers what they want. I know the market. Tourists visiting somewhere like Cornwall like a scene from the area as their memento. I’ve been to St Ives. The galleries there are full of seascapes.’

  ‘So maybe they’d like something different.’

  ‘I’m just saying that if you want to make money from something, you have to do your market research, then play to the crowd, give them what they want.’

  I felt myself tense. What did she know? I was the one who lived in the area. I was the artist. ‘I’ve spent years painting landscapes and yes, they sold—’

  ‘See. So I was right. Stick to what you know.’

  ‘Rose, you haven’t even seen my new paintings.’

  ‘Don’t be prickly. I was trying to be helpful. Give you the benefit of my expertise.’

  ‘Like I don’t know anything?’

  ‘I wasn’t saying that. Oh, forget it. Do your birds. Send me some on email if you can. I’ll tell you what I think.’

  No way, I thought. And have her apply her artistic expertise, of which she has none, and pick my work apart. No thanks. It was so typical of her, trying to control my life – and we’d only been together for five minutes.

  ‘Hey, come on. Kindness,’ said Fleur. ‘Mum sent us that text about it. Remember?’

  ‘Oh shut up, Fleur,’ Rose and I chorused.

  Fleur huffed. ‘OK. What about me then? Have you been thinking about how I am, Dee?’

  ‘Of course. I was about to ask. How are you?’

  Like Rose had earlier, Fleur glanced over at Daniel then back at me. ‘I’ll tell you later.’

  What’s he got to do with anything? I wondered. Why are Rose and Fleur looking to him? Is there something I don’t know?

  Daniel glanced up at Fleur. He could probably hear our conversation from where he was, and that she wanted to say something later that she didn’t want him to hear. She was excluding him. I wondered how he felt about that.

  Rose got up to move to the table where Daniel had set up his laptop. ‘So, another recording?’

  ‘It is,’ replied Daniel. ‘Fourth one, so you’re over the halfway point. Then two more to go.’

  I waited to hear Rose’s reply, expecting her to say, ‘I can add up’, but no.

  ‘Would you like something to eat and a coffee, Daniel?’ she asked. ‘A pastry? Croissant? Have you had breakfast? Fleur, Dee, can I get you anything?’

  What was going on? Rose being nice to Daniel? And was I imagining it, but did Fleur just catch Daniel’s eye and smile, like they were sharing some kind of private joke? I looked over at him questioningly but he didn’t meet my eyes and, for a moment, I felt a lurch of panic. Relax, I told myself, don’t be paranoid. He’s probably being friendly to them to put them off the scent about us.

  ‘Thanks, I’ve already had breakfast,’ said Daniel. ‘So. Are you all ready?’

  Fleur and Rose nodded. ‘As we’ll ever be,’ said Rose.

  ‘Do your worst,’ said Fleur. Again, she looked at Daniel. Was I imagining it, or had she loaded the words with innuendo? And the twinkle in her eye? I stared at Daniel to try and gauge his response but his expression gave nothing away.

  I tried to focus on the screen but my mind had gone into overdrive. Fleur and Daniel? Rose and Daniel? I hadn’t given a second thought to how they got along now we were well down Mum’s list. We hadn’t spoken about it since our first meeting with him back in October; we’d only ever talked about if I liked him, and I’d never discussed them with him apart from our agreement to keep our relationship secret. I felt a stab of jealousy that they might have their own connections with him, and made a mental note to ask him about them tomorrow when we met up after Rose and Fleur had left. Although he was going back to London this morning after our meeting, he had to be in Bristol on Monday, so had arranged to get a train back here on Sunday night to spend a few hours with me. He’ll be going out of his way travelling via Exeter, just to be with me for a short time. Surely that’s proof I have nothing to worry about? I told myself but, deep down, something niggled.

  Fleur and I took our seats next to Rose. Daniel pressed Play and Mum appeared on the screen. She was in her kitchen, standing at the table with Jean behind an enormous canteen, from which she was doling out what looked like soup to a seated Martha. Mum and Martha were dressed as down-and-outs in fingerless gloves and old coats; Jean was wearing a fancy-dress dog hat with ears.

  Fleur and I exchanged quizzical looks, Rose raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Are we filming?’ Mum asked. ‘Hello again, my dollies. So, what’s next? Well, we have something a bit different for you this weekend.’

  ‘I’ll say,’ said Fleur. ‘What does Jean think she looks like?’

  ‘This time it’s to give you a taste of the happiness that can be derived from giving something back,’ said Mum.

  ‘So today, you’ll be helping out at an animal rescue centre,’ said Martha, ‘doing a soup run for the homeless this evening, then tomorrow a visit to an old people’s home.’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake,’ said Fleur.

  ‘To do an act for someone else,’ said Jean, ‘for someone in need, can be the most rewarding thing of all. And, in case you’re wondering, I’m supposed to be one of the dogs from the rescue centre.’

  ‘Barking mad,’ said Fleur, and laughed at her own joke. Daniel chuckled with her and I felt another surge of anxiety at their camaraderie.

  ‘I know that you’ll be doing this work for only two days, but we all felt we had to include something like this on the list,’ said Mum. ‘And Fleur, I also know that you donate generously to a number of charities—’

  I glanced at Fleur. I didn’t know that about her.

  ‘But sometimes it’s good to be hands on. Be with people or creatures less fortunate than yourself,’ Martha added. ‘One should always do one’s bit. It can help one see one’s own life from a better perspective.’

  ‘As always, Daniel will have it worked out for you,’ said Mum. ‘OK, it won’t be the most glamorous of the weekends, but try and do it with an open heart and spirit. Sometimes we all need a reminder that we share this planet with all sorts of people, and not everyone has had the opportunities and advantages that you have.’

  ‘Hear hear,’ said Martha.

  ‘Woof woof,’ said Jean, then grinned. I laughed to myself. How old was she? Eighty going on eight.

  I glanced at Rose. She didn’t appear any happier than Fleur about the arrangements and I hoped she wouldn’t back out. She might not hesitate about letting Fleur or me down, but she’d think twice about disappointing Mum.

  ‘Mum’s text earlier wasn’t so much about us being kind to one another as being kind to others,’ I said.

  Rose sighed and I knew she’d got the message.

  ‘Bye for now, my dear girls, and I’ll see you again in two months’ time,’ said Mum.

  The screen went blank.

  Rose turned to Daniel. ‘Seriously?’

  He nodded. ‘I have a car coming to take you to the rescue centre in fifteen minutes,’ he said as he put his jacket on, then handed us a sheet of paper each with times, places and car pick-up times. ‘Any questions, you all have my number.’

  ‘Hold on a minute there,’ said Fleur. ‘Look at me. I can’t go working with animals in this.’ She indi
cated her white jeans and pristine boots.

  I could see that Daniel was having a hard time not laughing. ‘I’ve had overalls delivered to the centre for you, and some old clothes for the soup run tonight. I thought you might not be dressed appropriately.’

  Fleur held up a perfectly French polish manicured hand. ‘What about my nails? They’ll get ruined.’

  ‘You’ll find rubber gloves in the bags for you at the centre,’ said Daniel. He looked as though he was finding the prospect of us doing these tasks highly amusing.

  ‘Rubber gloves? What are we going to be doing? Putting our arms up cows’ arses?’

  ‘I doubt it. It’s cats and dogs only at the centre.’

  ‘Where are we staying?’ I asked.

  Daniel grimaced. ‘Ah yes, that. A hostel half a mile down the road. It’s perfectly clean.’ He handed me a second sheet with our booking details. ‘It’s all taken care of.’

  Fleur let out a long sigh. I looked over at Rose.

  She shrugged. ‘Best get it over with then, hadn’t we? Think of the money.’

  Not what Mum had in mind, I thought as I got up.

  *

  After Daniel had left, Fleur got out her iPhone and started searching for something. ‘Right,’ she said a few minutes later. ‘I’m booking into a boutique hotel for the night. Five star. I don’t do hostels. Who’s with me? I’ll pay.’

  ‘Count me in,’ said Rose, ‘and I can pay for myself, but thanks for the offer.’

  ‘But what if Daniel finds out, or Mr Richardson?’ I asked. ‘We’re all supposed to follow Mum’s instructions and sign that we have done as asked, and if the programme says we stay at a hostel, then that’s what I think we should do.’

  ‘Rules are for breaking,’ said Fleur. ‘Anyway, how’s Daniel going to find out? Or Mr Richardson? We won’t tell them. And Mum’s not going to know. Come on, let’s be rebels.’

  ‘She might be watching from somewhere,’ I said.

  Fleur burst out laughing. ‘You always were such a scaredy-cat.’