The Kicking the Bucket List

by Cathy Hopkins

  *

  After a light supper in a café near the first hotel, we went, as instructed, to a street in town, where a soup van had been set up and was already serving soup and bread to a short queue of homeless people.

  There were three helpers already there. Two young women, Kat and Rachel, and a young man with a goatee called Ben. None of them seemed to know that we were coming and were not entirely pleased to see us.

  ‘Is there anything we can help you with?’ Rose asked Ben, who appeared to be in charge.

  ‘Not really. We’ve got it covered,’ he said. ‘Who was it sent you again?’

  ‘Our dead mother,’ said Fleur.

  Ben looked at her warily.

  ‘She’s joking,’ I said.

  ‘Was it an agency?’

  ‘Not exactly,’ I said. ‘Er … we’re doing a volunteer programme for the weekend.’

  Ben sighed wearily. ‘The agency is always sending people. Believe it or not, there’s a waiting list to do the soup run.’

  I got the feeling that we’d gate-crashed a party, which seemed odd considering the circumstances.

  ‘I feel we’re in the way,’ I whispered to Fleur.

  ‘Me too. Maybe we should ask if they have any drains they want cleaning?’

  ‘You dare,’ I said.

  I noticed an old man sitting in the doorway opposite the van. He didn’t appear to have any food. ‘Shall I take him some?’ I asked Ben.

  ‘You could. He never says anything, ever, so don’t expect him to speak to you.’

  I doled out some soup, cut a big chunk of bread and took it over. The man took it without looking at me and started eating.

  ‘Oi you,’ called the old man as I went back to the van.

  I turned. Ben had said that the man never spoke to anyone, but he was choosing to talk to me. I felt a warm glow at having been singled out as the one volunteer worthy of being talked to. I smiled and said, ‘Yes?’

  ‘Fuck off,’ the man called.

  Ben and Fleur in the van cracked up laughing.

  ‘You thought he was going to say thank you, didn’t you?’ asked Fleur.

  I nodded sheepishly. ‘Where do these people sleep?’ I asked Ben.

  ‘There are a few hostels in town but, depending on the weather, some of them sleep on the streets,’ Ben replied.

  I glanced over at Fleur. I wondered if the hostel we were meant to stay in was one of the ones that housed the homeless.

  ‘I’m not going to feel guilty,’ she whispered, as if picking up on my thoughts. ‘And neither should you. Let it go, Dee.’

  After half an hour of hanging around, feeling that we were no use to anyone, it appeared that no one else was going to come for soup.

  ‘You may as well go,’ said Ben. ‘We’ll clear up, but thanks anyway.’

  ‘No problem,’ said Fleur. ‘Any time.’

  We went straight into putting our plan into action and checked into the hostel.

  ‘Love the minimal décor,’ said Fleur when she saw the bare rooms with just a bed and bedside cabinet in them. We mussed up our beds a little so they’d look slept in. ‘How about we put pillows under the blankets so it looks like someone’s in there sleeping, like we used to do when we were little and sneaking out somewhere after lights-out.’

  ‘Good plan,’ I agreed, and stuffed a pillow under the thin blanket in my room.

  We headed for Benwick’s Boutique Hotel, where Rose went straight to her room because she was still feeling unwell. Fleur and I opted for room service, a bath and an early night too, but this time it didn’t feel like we were deliberately avoiding each other, just that we were all bushed.

  As I opened the door to my lovely spacious room, I remembered what Jean and Mum had said about happiness being contrast. How right they were. Cleaning filthy drains this morning to relaxing in a scented bath then slipping into clean sheets later. Bliss. Whatever Mum’s intention had been for today, all I felt was gratitude that I had a roof over my head and a bed with comfy pillows.

  24

  Dee

  Sunday 10 April, morning

  ‘How are you feeling?’ I asked when Rose appeared in reception after taking breakfast in her room; I’d noticed that the tray left outside her room was barely touched, apart from a cup of tea.

  She brushed past me and headed to the exit doors. ‘Good. Fine. It was nothing. Bit of stomach cramp. Anyone would have balked at the stink from those drains. So. One day down, one more to go. Let’s see what delights Mum has in store today.’

  We walked around to the hostel where the car that Daniel had arranged for us was waiting to take us to an old people’s home. None of us was up for much conversation.

  As Rose and Fleur got in the car, I went to hand in our keys at the reception.

  ‘We err … went out for breakfast early,’ I muttered to explain why I’d come from outside.

  The pink-haired girl on reception didn’t appear interested, took the keys and drawled, ‘Have a nice day.’

  ‘You too,’ I said, and went back to join my sisters.

  ‘Our secret,’ said Fleur when I got into the car. ‘No one must know.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ I agreed.

  *

  The old people’s home was an overheated Victorian building in a residential part of town. Georgia, a pretty girl with a dark ponytail and wearing a blue uniform, welcomed us at the door.

  ‘Have any of you any experience of working with elderly people?’ she asked.

  ‘Only our mother,’ said Rose. ‘And she didn’t need care.’

  ‘Well, we’re delighted you’re here. We have overalls for you and, if you don’t mind, I’m going to give you cleaning tasks to do. If you want to interact with some of our residents, please do. Most of them like a new face to chat to.’

  I was given the corridors to mop. As I set to, an old lady rushed forward, glad to see me.

  ‘Mary,’ she said. ‘Mary.’

  ‘No, I’m Dee. Hello.’

  ‘Mary?’

  ‘No, Dee.’

  Her face flushed. ‘You are Mary. Don’t try and trick me.’

  ‘No. I’m Dee.’ I looked around to see if anyone could come to assist, but there was no one around. The woman looked as if she was about to slap me but changed her mind.

  ‘Jesus, if you don’t even know your own bloody name,’ she said as she stomped off down the corridor, ‘you can go to hell.’

  I continued mopping and saw a man in the sitting room where Rose was cleaning surfaces. He was walking around the room, picking articles up and collecting them in the corner. When Rose tried to coax him into sitting down, he began to scream. A lady in a chair who was holding a doll and rocking back and forward joined in with him. I was tempted to do the same. I found it distressing to watch them and not know what to do.

  Rose came over to me. ‘These people have dementia,’ she said. ‘I think we should leave interacting to the staff.’

  I nodded. I felt inadequate, so turned back to my mopping. A lady had positioned herself outside the cloakroom. I mopped around her and smiled.

  She smiled back. ‘I’m waiting for the bus,’ she said. ‘The 107. It’s late today.’ She seemed a gentle soul, intent on her purpose.

  ‘Hopefully won’t be long,’ I said.

  Back in the sitting room, another man got up, walked over to the TV and started urinating on it.

  Georgia appeared, guided him back to his seat, then cleaned up after him.

  *

  For the next few hours, we did what we could to help, took round hot drinks, then the meals, cleared up afterwards, made beds and helped clean the kitchens.

  ‘Do they have visitors?’ I asked Georgia when we took a break in the small staff kitchen.

  ‘Some do, but many of them don’t recognize them when they come. Others respond to the care and love that their relatives or friends have for them, as if some part of them recognizes their visitors as people who care, though there are also others who are
too far gone even for that.’

  I felt grateful that had never happened to Mum, sad for those it had happened to, and full of admiration for the staff who looked after them.

  *

  ‘Well, that was sobering,’ I said as we drove off in our taxi late afternoon. ‘Why do you think Mum wanted us to go there?’ Rose and Fleur looked as subdued as I felt.

  ‘No idea. I thought this was supposed to be about finding happiness,’ said Fleur. ‘I feel crap after that – and sad. To get in a car and drive away feels like a release, like we’ve got time off for good behaviour, but also I feel guilty. Those people are somebody’s parents. God, Mum, this task has been hard.’

  ‘Mum might have wanted to warn us what we might be in for,’ said Rose. ‘None of us knows what’s around the next corner.’

  ‘Not that, I hope. That was so depressing,’ said Fleur. ‘That place was like a hell of sorts. Death, dribbling and dementia, coming soon to a cinema near you.’

  I smiled. Mum used to say things like that too. ‘Just awful to lose your memories,’ I said. ‘It must be bewildering.’

  ‘Mum said old age isn’t for sissies,’ Rose said. ‘I’m just thankful she didn’t have to go through that.’

  ‘Me too. Makes me feel grateful for my health, for my life and my home,’ I said.

  ‘That’s why Mum sent us there,’ said Fleur. ‘Obvious. She was always telling us to be grateful for what we had. Remember? She was rubbing it in this weekend.’

  Rose nodded. ‘Always told us about the starving children in Africa if we wouldn’t finish what was on our plates.’

  ‘I remember you used to wait until Mum was out of the room then put yours in the bin,’ I said to Fleur.

  ‘Only cabbage. I hated cabbage. Still do. And there are still starving children, and not just in Africa.’ She looked out through the window. ‘God, I feel so miserable after this weekend.’

  ‘Do you think that she was saying she wants us to do some volunteering?’ I asked.

  ‘Maybe,’ said Rose, ‘or maybe she was trying to point out that we should seize the day. None of us knows what’s coming, how our old age will present itself, and if we’ll even get that far. I think she was saying make the most of it and cherish your loved ones while you can.’ She was staring out of the window as she said this and I couldn’t help but think how sad she looked. This weekend of Mum’s had definitely made us all think.

  ‘I’d like to think that I’d be there for you both,’ I said. ‘If it ever came to that.’

  ‘No fucking way,’ said Fleur. ‘If either of you start pissing on TVs or end up remotely like that, I can tell you now, I’ll arrange a mercy killing, have you suffocated in your sleep, then I’ll take off to a Caribbean island where I’ll end my days in decadence and debauchery.’

  Rose smiled. ‘Thanks Fleur. Always knew we could rely on you.’

  ‘I’m not going down without a fight,’ she said.

  ‘Sadly, I bet that’s how many of the people in that home felt,’ I said.

  Fleur put her hands up to her ears. ‘Enough. Enough. But we did it. We got through the weekend. I’ll send a donation and now we can go home to our self-indulgent self-obsessed lives.’

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ said Rose.

  ‘I am doing,’ said Fleur. ‘Home, get out of these clothes, a long bath, a glass of fine wine. So I like nice things. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t care. I’m a selfish cow and always will be.’

  ‘No comment,’ said Rose with a smile.

  I noticed there had been a real change in how we got on this weekend. We were teasing each other but the sting had gone out of it. We’d always insulted each other as sisters when we were at home, said awful things, and most of it had been like water off a duck’s back – it was just the way we related to each other. I felt like we were slowly getting back there, speaking more freely, being more our real selves around each other. That part of the weekend, at least, felt good.

  *

  When we reached the car park where Rose had left her car, she insisted on giving me a lift to the station.

  ‘No, really, it’s no bother. I can get a taxi.’ I was meeting Daniel in an hour’s time and we were going to have dinner. Then I was going to catch the last train back to Plymouth while he went back to Bristol where he had to be for a morning meeting.

  ‘Get in,’ Rose insisted. ‘If today’s taught us anything, it’s to look after each other. What time is your train?’

  ‘Oh … I have an open ticket,’ I said.

  ‘Well you don’t want to be hanging about,’ said Fleur, and got out her iPhone. ‘I’ll look up the times for you. If you have long to wait, we could get a cup of tea or a glass of wine somewhere.’ How am I going to get out of this? I asked myself as she busied herself looking up timetables. All the other times, they’d taken off with not so much as a backward glance. Why oh why did they have to pick this evening to come over all caring sharing?

  ‘There’s a train in twenty minutes,’ said Fleur. ‘You should just make it.’

  ‘Right. OK. Thanks.’ I got in and Rose drove me to the station. As I sat in the back, I felt bad about lying to them. After seeing the old folk with dementia, it had hit home the fact that life could be so unpredictable and that family and friends were precious. Maybe it’s time to tell them about Daniel, I thought. Enough of the duplicity. It’s time to open up and let them in and trust they will go easy on me. But not yet. I’ll discuss it with Daniel tonight, then next time I’ll tell them. Next time.

  *

  ‘Are you out of your mind?’ said Daniel after I’d told him of my intention to let Rose and Fleur know about us. We were in a wine bar in the centre of town, where I’d gone to meet him after I’d hung around the station long enough to be sure my sisters would be well on the road back to London.

  ‘No, I’m not. I don’t like lying to them,’ I said.

  ‘We haven’t exactly been lying, just not telling the whole truth.’

  ‘What if they ever found out? Slowly, slowly, we’re beginning to bond again and, despite my earlier misgivings, I realize I’d like them back in my life. I don’t want to jeopardize that.’

  Daniel sighed. ‘I think you’d be making a big mistake.’

  ‘Why? Why should it be? We’ve only got two more weekends to go and then we will have completed Mum’s list. I think I owe it to them to tell them honestly what has been happening in my life.’

  ‘How are they going to react? It’s too late, Dee. When they realize that you’ve been lying for months, how’s that going to make you look? Or me?’

  I hadn’t considered that. ‘I hope that they’ll understand. I could explain that I felt vulnerable and also that you felt it best to keep it quiet so as not to interfere with Mum’s programme.’

  Daniel took a sharp intake of breath. ‘Leave me out of it.’

  ‘I can’t. How can I leave you out of it? You did say to keep it quiet, our secret; well, I’m not sure I want it to be our secret any more.’

  I remembered my paranoia yesterday about his connection with Fleur and Rose, the way Fleur had caught his eye, the way Rose had been sweet to him. I wondered whether to say anything.

  Daniel took a sip of red wine. ‘Look. Let’s change the subject for a moment. We’re both not thinking clearly. Tell me about your weekend. How did it go?’ He chuckled. ‘I did think of you having to sleep at the hostel. They notoriously have uncomfy beds.’

  I felt myself blush. ‘It was OK.’ Liar, said a voice in my head.

  ‘Did you get any sleep?’

  ‘I thought we weren’t supposed to discuss the programme.’ I sounded curter than I’d intended. I also thought, and now I’m lying to Daniel about where I spent the night. Too many secrets. How did this happen?

  Daniel looked surprised by my tone. ‘I’m not supposed to comment or advise, and we won’t talk about it at all, not if you don’t want to.’

  ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound sharp, just …’


  We sat in an awkward silence, sipping our wine, though it tasted sour to me. This is what happens when things aren’t out in the open, I thought, and a good relationship should be honest.

  ‘I really don’t see why we can’t tell Fleur and Rose about us,’ I said eventually. ‘Go public. It would make things a lot easier. I didn’t like lying earlier and sneaking around the train station. I think it’s always better in the end, to tell the truth.’ Hypocrite, I thought, as I remembered my lovely hotel bed last night.

  Daniel sighed. ‘Can we leave that for now? Sleep on it?’

  I didn’t feel happy about his reaction, crossed my arms and looked away.

  Daniel took my hand. ‘What’s got into you this evening? You’re not your usual self.’

  ‘Maybe this is my usual self. I value honesty. I always have, and yet now I’ve found myself in a position where I’m lying. And maybe I’ve been wondering about us and if there’s a reason you need to keep us a secret.’

  Daniel looked shocked at my outburst. ‘Now you’re getting paranoid. We agreed not to involve your sisters. We. Not just me.’

  ‘In the beginning we agreed. Things change. Relationships evolve.’

  I could see Daniel didn’t like being confronted, and I was feeling uncomfortable too. Shut up, I told myself. Sleep on it, as Daniel said. But he had clammed up and I couldn’t think of anything to say to break the atmosphere. I took a good long look at him. He was a very attractive man. Of course women would be interested in him. I wonder if he has other lovers besides me?

  ‘OK. Come on, out with it,’ said Daniel. ‘I can see something else is bothering you.’

  ‘OK. How do you feel about my sisters?’

  Daniel looked puzzled. ‘How do I feel about them? I don’t know them very well, but from what I do know, they’re very different women, interesting. Strong women.’

  ‘How interesting? I mean, do you fancy either of them?’

  Daniel let out a long sigh. ‘Ah, so that’s what’s been bugging you? Why didn’t you just come out and say it?’

  ‘It hadn’t occurred to me until this weekend. Well, do you?’