by Sudha Murty
Sishir felt quite happy about the turn of events. Thirteen hours later, the plane reached London. Neha and Sishir met each other again at the baggage claim. Sishir’s bags had priority tags on them, so they arrived almost immediately, but he decided to wait with her. Unfortunately, Neha’s bags did not come and she looked worried. Sishir went to the airline counter and registered a complaint. He was asked to wait for another half hour. When Neha heard this, she said, ‘Thank you for your help, but I don’t want to hold you up.’
Sishir smiled and did not reply. Instead, he asked her, ‘Is this your first trip to London?’
‘Yes, in fact, it was my first plane ride.’
‘How do you spend your vacations? Where do you go?’
‘I go wherever my parents are. Both of them are in transferable jobs. They try to stay near Chitradurga—sometimes they are successful and sometimes they aren’t. Depending on the circumstances, I make a trip to visit them. Otherwise, I stay alone in Chitradurga.’
‘Isn’t it difficult to stay in a small village by yourself? It’s different from staying alone in a big city like Bangalore.’
Sishir had the independence to live alone but it was the first time that he comprehended that he liked staying with his parents. He might not always like their advice or suggestions but he knew that they loved him unconditionally and he loved the attention he got from them too.
Neha interrupted his thoughts saying, ‘Sishir, it is not difficult. I have extended family there and my dad has also built a house. It may be small but it’s our home. I like living there. I enjoy the company of my relatives and I participate in festivals with them.’
‘What are you going to do in Oxford?’
‘I’m pursuing my studies in sociology and human behaviour. I have received a fellowship for two years.’
‘Are you going to continue to play chess?’
‘Of course! It’s my hobby.’
‘Do you have any friends or relatives in the UK?’
‘No. Almost all my contacts are in Chitradurga and I have a few cousins in Bangalore.’
‘You must be away from your family for the first time for this long.’
‘Yes.’
Sishir felt sorry for Neha—a girl who had never gone out of her country was going to stay on her own in a place like England without any relatives and with limited income. He suddenly remembered his mother. She had told him, ‘Sishir, when I came to Bangalore, I cried for months. My Kannada and background were so different from the norm in Bangalore. It was as good as going to a foreign land. Many times, I wanted to go back home but I realized that your dad had a better future in Bangalore. So I started making new friends, learning their habits and the culture. But my heart lies in the village. For me, home will always be Aladahalli.’
Sishir thought, ‘Neha must be feeling the same way Amma did all those years ago.’
He said, ‘I’m going to be in John Radcliffe Hospital near Oxford. Please let me know whenever you need any help.’
Neha’s bags finally arrived. As they walked out of the airport, Sishir asked, ‘How are you going to Oxford?’
‘The college website said that I should get down at Heathrow Airport, take the tube into town and then a bus to Oxford. I’ll follow their instructions.’
‘Why do you want to do that? I’m taking a taxi. I’ll give you a ride.’
‘No, I don’t think so. I have troubled you enough. I can manage on my own.’
Sishir was a little annoyed and said firmly, ‘Neha, try to understand. This is a new country. It is not even remotely like going to Delhi. I’m an Indian student like you who’s going to stay here for four years. There’s grace in accepting favours sometimes. Let me help you.’
Neha was silent for a minute and then said, ‘Okay.’
They went out of Heathrow Airport and got into a taxi. Sishir knew the ins and outs of London.
As the taxi got going, Sishir noticed that Neha was looking on either side of the road, like a child looking at a beautiful toy for the first time. Her face was usually calm but he could see that she was excited now. He liked seeing her enjoy London. When her destination arrived, Neha got down with her bags and said, ‘Thank you for the ride. I’ll go to my room now.’
Sishir laughed. ‘Do you have the keys?’
‘Oh, I’m sure there’s a chowkidar who will show me the room and give me the keys.’
Sishir was amused. ‘This isn’t India, Neha. There’s a different system here. You need a special kind of key to get into your apartment.’
Sishir got down, talked to the apartment office and got the keys; Neha followed him quietly. Finally, he dropped her to her room. As they were saying goodbye, Neha felt alone; Sishir could see it in her moist eyes.
A week passed by and Neha sent Sishir an email giving the details of her apartment and her phone number. She said that she had started her classes. Though she was intelligent, she found it a little difficult to follow the British accent. Adjustment for Sishir was much easier. He had two seniors working in the same hospital but their shift timings were different. Apart from that, in one year, his seniors had also found girlfriends for themselves.
Sishir called Neha that evening and politely asked if they could meet on Saturday. He wanted her to have someone to talk to. Within a month, Neha had become a fish in water. She had adjusted well and made new friends. But she always felt the most comfortable with Sishir and liked meeting him. Sishir felt the same way. He had grown up an only child and had never had anybody to share with, to fight and reconcile with, to help hide his secrets, or compete with. Though he was friendly with both boys and girls, he preferred to keep to himself. For the first time, he felt a strong connection to someone whom he really respected.
26
Learning to Survive
A team of teachers came from Mridula’s school to visit her. She had never taken such a long vacation and now, she had applied for medical leave. When they came to see her, everybody gave her different advice. Some said, ‘Madam, since you are unwell, you should go to a hill station and rest. The change might be good for you.’ Others said, ‘You should go on a world tour since you don’t have to worry about money.’ But Leela said, ‘I attended a swamiji’s discourse in Jayanagar. He teaches relaxation techniques and I found it useful. Maybe you can try it.’
‘Do you think my mind will be at rest after that?’
‘I think so. I’ll give you his address if you want.’
Mridula decided to enrol for the course and went there the next day. There were people from different age groups and everyone had a problem. Finally, the swamiji entered. He was young, lean and clean-shaven. He had a calm face and was wearing a white robe. He said, ‘The main reason for unhappiness is disappointment. Disappointment disappears with detachment. Detachment comes through knowledge and knowledge is gained by dhyana. So you should learn the technique of dhyana.’
Mridula did not understand a word. She just wanted to be happy again. A devotee asked, ‘Swamiji, I get upset quickly. How do I control my temper?’
‘With your mind. I can’t tell you a specific method because every individual is different and you have to find out what works best for you.’
Mridula thought, ‘If I knew how to control my mind, then I wouldn’t be here. I want to be the way I was and enjoy life and its beauty. But now, I dread the thought of living another day.’
Disappointed, Mridula came back home. The next morning at 10 a.m., the doorbell rang. She heard the sound but continued sitting on the sofa. The cook, Sakamma, opened the door. It was Vani, a former student of Mridula’s. She was looking happy and holding a bunch of wedding cards in her hand. When she saw Mridula though, she stopped smiling. She knew that something was wrong. She said, ‘Madam, what is it? What’s the matter?’
Shocked, she sat down right next to Mridula.
Vani had been a student in Mridula’s school. Her family was not well off: her father was a rickshaw driver and she did not have a mother. Sh
e was brillant in studies and always got good marks when she was younger. When she became Mridula’s student, Mridula had called her father and told him, ‘Don’t stop her education. She has a bright future. She can become a doctor.’
‘That may be true but I can’t afford it.’
Mridula had thought about it for a day. Then she had called Vani’s father and said, ‘I’ll sponsor your daughter till MBBS, only if you give me the assurance that you won’t marry her off before she completes her degree.’
Vani’s father had agreed happily.
Now, Vani had become a doctor and considered Mridula a mother figure and a mentor. Still, Mridula was unable to tell Vani anything. How could she tell her that the most famous and respected surgeon in Bangalore was cheating her?
Vani asked again, ‘Madam, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Your eyes tell me that you’re upset and sad.’
‘It’s nothing, Vani.’
Vani placed her hand on Mridula’s lap and said gently, ‘Madam, my mother is long gone. I look at you as a mother. If you think of me as your daughter, then you must tell me the truth.’
On hearing such kind words, Mridula started weeping. Vani held Mridula’s hands and questioned her again: ‘Madam, why are you crying?’
‘I’m really tired.’
‘Okay, then think of me as a doctor and tell me everything.’
‘My palms sweat. And my fingers tremble. It happens often.’
‘What else?’
‘I feel like crying round the clock and don’t feel like doing anything.’
‘And?’
‘My heart beats very fast. I have no enthusiasm for anything. I get scared and can’t sleep at night.’
‘Is there anything else?’
‘I don’t feel like getting ready or meeting people. But I don’t want to be alone either. I get negative thoughts all the time.’
‘Madam, I’m not an expert. But I think you need to talk to a psychiatrist.’
Since last year, Vani had been working at a psychiatric hospital. Mridula was concerned, ‘Does that mean that something’s wrong with my brain?’
‘Oh, madam. If you meet a psychiatrist, it doesn’t mean that you are mad or something’s wrong with your brain. You are an educated lady. If you talk like that, what can we expect of others?’
Mridula did not answer.
‘It may be difficult for you to share your personal problems with me. So you should see a professional. You know that there is a relationship between the mind and the body. It’ll probably be a simple course of treatment.’
Mridula was worried. What if Sanjay and Sishir learnt about her psychiatric treatment? Vani read her mind. ‘Madam, you don’t have to tell anyone. Just go meet the doctor. You may need help immediately if you are in depression. I’m sure that you’ll be fine quite quickly.’
Mridula was quiet. Vani changed the subject. ‘Madam, my wedding date has been set. If you hadn’t helped me, I wouldn’t be here today.’ She had tears of gratitude in her eyes.
Mridula wiped her own tears and said, ‘That’s really good. What do you plan to do after you get married?’
‘I have to do my post-graduation. My professor has just retired and started a private practice. I’ll give you all his details later. He’s kind and experienced. You must meet him.’
‘What does your husband do?’
‘He was my senior in college and is now a doctor too. After a few years, we’ll start our own hospital. You must come for our marriage and bless us.’
‘I will.’
After Vani left, Mridula prayed for her. ‘Every girl dreams of a wonderful marriage but for most, that dream never becomes real. Life after marriage is a battle. Only a few are truly lucky. Please let Vani be happy.’
The next day, Mridula took an autorickshaw and went to Dr Rao’s clinic in Basavanagudi. She was glad that there were only a few people in the waiting room. Thankfully, nobody recognized her. After ten minutes, she was called inside the doctor’s office.
Dr Rao was a stocky sixty-year-old man with grey hair and calm eyes. He smiled at Mridula as if he had known her for ever. At first, she was uncomfortable but the doctor’s demeanour made her feel at home. Gently, he asked her name.
‘Doctor, my name is Mridula. But first, I have a request—please don’t tell anyone about my visits.’
‘Don’t worry. I won’t.’
‘Doctor, I’m suffering from depression. Will I be cured completely?’
‘How do you know that it is depression?’
‘Sorry, Doctor, I came up with it on my own. I searched the Internet for my symptoms.’
‘That’s okay. And yes, you’ll be cured.’
‘Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?’
‘Not at all. The more you talk, the better it is. It shows that you’re interested in getting better.’
‘Doctor, I’m tired of everything.’
‘Mridula, don’t hold yourself back. You can cry if you want. It’ll release the tension. Please know that you may need some time to come back to your normal self.’
‘How much time, Doctor?’
‘It depends. Depression is just the tip of the iceberg. On an average, it takes nine months to be cured. You must meet me every other day.’
‘Okay, that’s fine.’ Mridula was disappointed because she was hoping to get well in a week.
‘Is there a history of depression in your family?’
‘As far as I know, no. Is it hereditary?’
‘To some extent. Apart from that, external factors greatly influence it. Sometimes, medicines are needed and sometimes they aren’t. You don’t need them.’
Mridula started seeing Dr Rao thrice a week.
Sanjay went about his business and did not realize that Mridula was seeing a doctor on a regular basis. His routine remained the same and he did not make any effort to talk to her.
During one of their meetings, Dr Rao wanted Mridula to talk about her childhood and family. She said, ‘Doctor, I’m the patient. Why do you need details about my family?’
‘Mridula, I want to find the root cause of your depression. Then the treatment will be easier and quicker. Tell me, how do you feel when you see homeless people on the streets?’
‘I feel that everyone is content except me.’
‘And whom do you pity?’
‘Beggars. They don’t have anything.’ Mridula started crying.
‘Mridula, can you bring your husband with you next time?’
Mridula did not say anything. She had not told Dr Rao who her husband was.
Dr Rao insisted. ‘Mridula, I want to talk to your husband. He plays an important role in your life. He needn’t come every time but I want at least three or four sessions with him.’
Mridula agreed to talk to Sanjay. When she came home, Sanjay was watching CNBC news.
Mridula said, ‘I am unwell.’
Without even lowering the volume of the TV, Sanjay replied, ‘Well, what is it?’
‘I have depression.’ There was a pause. Mridula continued, ‘I’m seeing Dr Rao on a regular basis.’
‘Since when?’
‘For three weeks now. He wants to meet you.’
Sanjay knew Dr Rao. He thought, ‘What a disgrace! Despite all that I’ve given her, she has become a mental patient. Is she making me responsible for her problems? Well, she’s wrong. What have I done to her? I just gave my sister money without asking her. If she’s become a mental patient because of that, then that just shows how weak she is. I’m not going to Dr Rao. People will recognize me in the waiting room and then the news will spread. What will my patients think? What will happen to the nursing home and my reputation?’
Mridula repeated, ‘Dr Rao wants to meet you.’
Sanjay did not respond.
Mridula knew that he did not want to go. But she said, ‘I’ll wait for you there at 4 p.m. tomorrow.’
The next day, Sanjay did not show up for t
he doctor’s appointment. Mridula felt embarrassed. However, she told Dr Rao, ‘Sanjay must have had an emergency.’
Dr Rao smiled and said, ‘That’s okay. Tell him to come for our next appointment.’
When Mridula got home, she saw Sanjay having dinner. She asked him, ‘Why didn’t you come to the doctor’s office? I had to tell him that you had an emergency.’
Sanjay took his cue from Mridula and said, ‘Yes, I did.’
‘Then come next time.’
‘Okay.’
But Sanjay never went for any of the sessions and gave Mridula a different excuse each time. In the end, Dr Rao said, ‘Mridula, your husband doesn’t have to come for our sessions. We’ll work without him.’
As time passed, Mridula started feeling better. Dr Rao was no longer just a doctor to her. He had become a good friend. He did not give her any injections or pills. One day, she told him, ‘Doctor, my husband wasn’t like this when we got married. I was the decision-maker then. He never cared about finances or money.’
‘The situation was different then. He was concentrating on studying and working hard. His motive wasn’t making money and your decisions were important. He may have gone through difficult situations where he was humiliated because he wasn’t powerful. Maybe that’s why he believes that power is money.’
‘Doctor, does a man not need gratitude and love?’
‘Of course. But in highly competitive fields like politics and business, these are considered weak and unwanted emotions. There is only one place at the top and you have to climb over others to reach it.’
‘But won’t that affect one’s family life?’
‘Yes, it will and it does. But the rules for family are different from the rules for business. One shouldn’t measure these two with the same yardstick. Softness is essential for a happy family. But a competitive attitude destroys a family. Statistics show that men are successful in business in the long term only if they have their family’s support.’
Mridula said, ‘Yes, I have always tried to support him. My husband never understands what I want—but he knows exactly what his sister wants.’