The Varlet and the Voyeur

by L.H. Cosway

  “Rocky misses his mama!” she greeted as my dog gave the camera a big, slobbery lick.

  “Hi Rocky, I miss you so much,” I called out, and waved. “Mam, could you wipe the camera? Rocky’s licked it and now you’ve gone all blurry. You also need to angle it down a little, so I can see more than half your faces.”

  Dad gave a big belly laugh as Mam apologized. “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t realize.” She wiped the camera with her sleeve, then angled it better so I could see them. It was late at night for them and I was suddenly terribly homesick. It struck me how far away I was, and my worries returned with renewed force, my belly ached with loneliness.

  “So, how has everything been going?” Dad asked. “Have you seen a kangaroo yet? I hope you haven’t been suffering from any crapulence.”

  I chuckled at him adding a Forgotten Old Word of the Day into his greeting. “Crapulence, eh? I hope not. It doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

  “Oh, it definitely isn’t,” Dad enthused. “It’s an eighteenth century word for a hangover, or more precisely, intestinal and cranial distress arising from intemperance and general debauchery.”

  “Give it over, Phil,” Mam tutted. “I don’t want to hear about crapulence right now. I want to hear how Josey’s been doing on her trip.”

  “It’s been going well,” I replied. “But I’ve been in the city so there aren’t any kangaroos, unfortunately. I am going to see the Botanical Gardens today and then we’re taking a ferry ride and having a picnic.”

  “That sounds lovely,” Mam exclaimed. “I bet the weather’s wonderful. How is Will?”

  “He’s good. He has a lot of training and work stuff, but he’s got the afternoon off today, which will be nice. I’ve been studying a lot, but I’ve also been—uh—a little lonely.”

  They both wore identical frowns. “Oh no! I hope it’s not too bad,” Mam said sympathetically.

  I waved away her concern. “I’ll survive, though I am looking forward to cuddling Rocky when I get back, and maybe we could all go see a movie together,” I said, hoping plans with my parents might erase some of the sadness last night’s conversation brought on.

  “That sounds great,” Dad replied. “I’ve been dying to see the new Tom Hanks film. It’s been getting rave reviews.”

  I rolled my eyes. Dad had a bit of a man crush on Tom Hanks. I swear he’s seen all of his movies at least twice.

  “It’s a date then,” I declared.

  Mam leaned closer to the screen, like she was trying to inspect me for any lingering problems I wasn’t telling them about. “You look tired. Doesn’t she look tired?” she said, the frown line between her eyebrows deepening.

  “It’s just the jet lag,” I said.

  “No, it’s not that. You seem forlorn, and you’re not your chatty self.” She paused to look at Dad. “There’s something she’s not telling us, Phil.”

  My dad leaned forward, too, his bushy mustache filling the screen. Now I regretted not calling them on audio only.

  “What are you keeping from us, Josey?” Dad questioned, putting on his stern father voice.

  “I’m not keeping anything from you. You’re both going senile.”

  “I went senile years ago,” Dad joked. “Come on now, out with it.”

  I let out a long sigh. I could never keep anything hidden from them for very long. I glanced over my shoulder, making sure I was completely alone. Will’s room was at least fifty feet from where I sat and his door was closed, so he must be asleep. Still, I made sure to lower my voice as I brought my eyes back to my laptop.

  “I think I’m starting to like Will,” I confessed.

  “I knew it!” Mam responded, a bit too loudly I might add.

  “Can you keep it down? He’s only in the next room.”

  “Sorry, sorry, I got a little carried away. But that’s great, Josey. He’s a nice man.”

  “You didn’t think that when you first met him.”

  “Yes, but we didn’t know him then,” she said this like it explained everything.

  “Mam, you don’t know him now.”

  “A mother knows. And he’s been nothing but kind and respectful toward you, and all the stories in the news seem to be dying down.”

  “Well”—I glanced at my keyboard—“the trouble is he doesn’t like me the way I like him.”

  “Rubbish,” said Dad. “Who wouldn’t like you? You’re delightful.”

  I shook my head, unable to help my smile. “Not everyone thinks I’m as delightful as you do, Dad. Most people find me annoying.”

  “Most people are idiots,” Mam wagged her finger. “But why don’t you tell him and see what he says?”

  “It’s not as easy as all that.”

  “If he can’t see you’re a treasure, then he’s not invited to this summer’s Kavanagh Barbecue Bonanza,” Dad said, like it was a huge punishment. I doubted Will was excited to eat my dad’s overcooked burgers and burnt ribs.

  I ran my hand through my hair, trying to figure out a way to explain things to them without including all the details. “It’s not really about him not liking me back. I know he likes me. It’s just that he had a bad experience in his last relationship, so now he doesn’t date unless he’s guaranteed not to go through all that again, and I don’t blame him.”

  “He’s gun-shy. It’s understandable. We all get scared that we might be hurt again,” Mam replied, putting on what she imagined was a wise expression. Sometimes she fancied herself an amateur relationships expert, but she’d been with my dad since college. She had no clue about being single nowadays.

  “Yes, well, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do,” I said. “I need more time to think on it.”

  “Whatever you decide, know you can always talk it through with us first. We’re available for calls, day or night.”

  I nodded, and soon we said our goodbyes. I could tell they were concerned for me, but I didn’t know how to put their minds at ease because I still hadn’t figured out my next step. I closed my laptop just as I heard noise from Will’s bedroom. He was awake. I froze, fearing he’d heard my Skype call.

  His door opened and he walked out, looking sleepy.

  “Morning,” he said, giving me a smile before he went inside the bathroom.

  In all likelihood, he hadn’t heard since the bedrooms here were pretty soundproof. Still, a measure of uncertainty filled me, and I felt a little exposed.

  All day I was in a weird mood. I was much quieter than usual, and Will kept asking if I was okay. I assured him I was fine, but I had a feeling he didn’t believe me. We were visiting the Botanical Gardens, and I was annoyed because it was beautiful, but I couldn’t seem to enjoy myself.

  “Can we move on from this section? It’s making me feel insecure,” Will joked as we walked by a collection of giant cactuses.

  He surprised a chuckle out of me. “You have nothing to worry about in that department,” I said without thinking.

  Will elbowed me. “Flatterer. And it’s good to see you smile.”

  “I’m sorry, I’ve just been feeling a little homesick today.”

  His hand came to my lower back, its warmth soothing. “Don’t apologize. I can understand feeling that way. When I first moved to Ireland, I had a hard time.”

  I frowned, not liking to think of Will all alone in a strange country with no one for company. “Well that’s not exactly comparable. I’m going home in a few days. You moved halfway across the world.”

  “Still, you should’ve told me you were out of sorts.”

  “Why? There’s not much you can do.”

  “I can…” he trailed off, and then shook his head. “Never mind. Is it Rocky? Do you miss him?”

  I nodded. “Like crazy.”

  Will smiled. “Me, too. Little dude got to me.”

  A warm feeling spread through me. “Sometimes I think he might like you better than me now.”

  “Never. That dog’s crazy about you.”

  We stopped walking because th
ere were some people in front of us taking wedding photographs. The woman wore a long, flowing white gown and I felt a pang in my chest. I wondered if I’d ever get married, if I’d ever wear a dress like that.

  And where did that thought come from?

  Before now, before right this moment, I’d never given serious thought to getting married. I mean, it was always a thing, there, on the horizon, a maybe-eventually.

  And yet all of a sudden, here I was, mooning over a white dress.

  What is wrong with me?

  I blamed my weird mood on jet lag. Yeah. . .

  I glanced at Will and discovered he’d been watching me watching the bride.

  Giving him a small smile, I lifted my chin towards the wedding party. “She looks very pretty.”

  “It’s a nice spot for pictures,” Will agreed and continued to study me.

  “Do you ever see yourself getting married? I mean, I know you said you didn’t want to date anyone unless it would lead to that, but do you actually see it happening?” I asked, my attention returning to the couple.

  “I hope so.” His voice was quiet, thoughtful.

  Something about his answer took the wind out of me. I had a vision of him in a suit, standing at the altar. A bride came into view, her face obscured by a veil, her hair color suspiciously close to mine.

  AND ROCKY CAN BE THE RING BEARER!!!

  Gah!

  All my thoughts scrambled.

  “I could be your best man,” I blurted, needing to change the trajectory of my thoughts. Will and I were never going to get married. I was being crazy. All those very good reasons why it would never work were just as valid now as they had been back in Ireland. So I should just cut any fanciful ideas out right now. “Or well, your best woman.”

  Will’s brows slowly drew together as he shook his head. “I think Bryan has dibs on that.”

  I forced a smile. “Damn, pipped to the post again.”

  Will was not smiling. “What about you?”

  “Me?” I placed a hand to my chest. “You know, I haven’t given it serious thought. I guess . . . I don’t think so. Even if the right bloke came along who’d want to be shackled to all this”—I swept a hand down myself—“for life, I don’t know if marriage is for me.”

  Will’s face seemed to harden, but his voice was low and sincere. “Any man would be lucky to have you, Josey.”

  Just not you.

  I swallowed down my immense and unnecessary sense of disappointment as the couple and photographer finally moved on, admiring some tall red flowers as I asked Will another question.

  “Do you think you’ll stay in Ireland if you do ever settle down, or will you go back to Oklahoma?” Maybe I was a glutton for punishment, but my curiosity just wouldn’t allow me to drop the subject.

  “I haven’t thought about it.” Will leaned a hip against the stone wall that served as a barrier between the walkway and Sydney Harbor. “When I retire from the team, I might go back to the States. It depends on my situation at the time.”

  His answer was frustrating. I’d been hoping for something more definitive. I’d wanted to hear him say he couldn’t leave Ireland, that it was home to him now. Probably because in my head Will moving back to America was the equivalent of him leaving me behind. Abandoned. Forgotten about.

  I know, I was being ridiculous.

  “Do you think you’ll ever live anywhere else?” Will asked, turning my question back on me again.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged, moving closer to the red flowers, not wanting to be near him for some reason. “I think I’d miss my parents too much.”

  He didn’t say anything in response to that, and I didn’t feel much like talking. So we continued our walk through the pretty gardens, all the while my weird mood persisted. My mind was still elsewhere.

  I wished I’d never asked him about marriage, about the future. Even though we’d only known each other a short time, the knowledge that one day he might not be around was painful.

  I would just have to redouble my efforts to think of him like a girlfriend when I wasn’t—you know—using him for his penis.

  Sometimes ignorance really was bliss.

  “Yes!” I jumped from my seat, pumping my fist into the air in triumph as the team scored a try.

  I was in the gigantic Allianz Stadium to watch Will’s first test match. He wore a number 6 on the back of his jersey and I kept my eyes on him most of the time. There were only a few minutes left and Ireland was in the lead. My mind kept wandering from the game to memories of the other night, after I went down on Will.

  He flipped me over and took me from behind after he made me come with his mouth. And then later, how he carefully released my wrists from his belt, kissing and frowning at the red marks left over from the friction.

  A shiver ran through me just thinking about it.

  I was in a fancy box with a bunch of the players’ wives, girlfriends, and various family members. No one really talked to me, since I wasn’t part of the whole community, but I didn’t mind. Eilish always told me about the gossip that sometimes happened with this lot, and that really didn’t appeal to me.

  Don’t get me wrong, there were some nice people, but there were also some not so nice ones. I understood it to a certain extent, since sport was competitive by nature, and that extended to the social side of it, too. Everybody wanted to have a better-looking partner, or a more expensive car, or a fancier house.

  “You’re Josey, right?” came a sweet voice, and I turned to find an attractive brunette smiling down at me.

  “Yes, hi, that’s me.”

  She gestured to the seat next to mine. “Do you mind if I sit down?”

  I shook my head. “Not at all.”

  “I’m Melanie, Steve Harris’s wife,” she replied, introducing herself.

  “Oh, right. I met your husband the other night. He came for dinner with us. We drank margaritas.”

  She nodded. “Yes, I heard all about what you did for Will at the press conference. I couldn’t stop laughing when Steve told me. I was like, I have to meet this Josey person. She sounds like my kinda gal.”

  “I definitely have my moments,” I said, about to continue, but then I forced myself to stop. It was a new thing I was trying out. When my brain told me to say two things, I said one. When it told me to say four, I said two. That way, I figured I could cut down on my excessive rambling.

  “Seriously, Scrotum Awareness Day? I think that’s the best thing I’ve heard all year. Anyway, I just saw you sitting over here and I thought I’d introduce myself. I know it can be a little intimidating when you don’t know anyone.”

  Well, that was nice of her. I smiled. “Thank you. I’m not the best at social stuff.”

  “I know, right? Who knew small talk could be such a minefield? And if you put a single foot wrong, people talk about it for weeks. I actually had to take a break from going to team events because I’d get myself all worked up about dressing right and saying the right thing.”

  “I can understand that. Plus, I’m here with Will and I don’t want to do anything that might embarrass him.”

  “Oh, I’m pretty sure that man is immune to embarrassment after all he’s been through of late. I really feel for him. I can’t imagine how awful it must’ve been to have all that stuff come out.”

  “It’s been pretty rough. I mean, he doesn’t say it, but I can tell the lies affect him, especially since he’s so against anything that exploits women—” I stopped myself. One, because I was falling into the trap of saying five things when one would do, but also because I noticed another woman glancing over at Melanie. They exchanged a look, and suddenly it hit me. Melanie wasn’t over here trying to make friends. She was trying to get the inside scoop.

  Again, I had that feeling of wanting to protect Will, only now that we were having sex, it was so much stronger. I couldn’t deny it. Sleeping with him had changed things. I felt like defending him against anyone who wanted to gossip about him or spread mor
e rumors. I would go up against Melanie and all the other rugby wives looking for a bit of scandal to titillate them over their glasses of chardonnay.

  Out on the field, the game ended and there were noises of celebration from those in the box. I glanced out and smiled when I saw Will lift Bryan up by the waist and swing him around in victory. My heart swelled in happiness for them, but then my stomach twisted. This all-consuming feeling of care for Will wasn’t right. It was far too strong for friends with benefits.

  When Will was happy, I felt aglow.

  When he was sad, my gut twisted with a need to mend his wounds.

  Standing, I looked back to Melanie. “Please excuse me. I need to go use the bathroom.”

  “Of course,” she replied.

  I set my glass of half-finished Prosecco on a table and left the box. Sifting my phone from my bag, I sent Will a text.

  Josey: Congratulations! So delighted for you and the guys! Feeling a little tired so heading to the hotel for a nap. See you when you get back. x.

  It was true that I was tired, but I was also overwhelmed. I needed a couple of hours alone to think and get my head on straight. I needed to regroup and figure out how to proceed with this arrangement without anyone getting hurt.

  Unfortunately, a tear had already formed inside me. And where there was a tear, pain was inevitable.

  Eighteen

  @RonanFitz: I’m going to miss this place. Sydney is gorgeous!

  @SeanCassinova to @RonanFitz: You should move here.

  @THEBryanLeech to @SeanCassinova and @RonanFitz: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  @WillthebrickhouseMoore to @SeanCassinova and @RonanFitz: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  @FinleyIRE to @SeanCassinova and @RonanFitz: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  @RonanFitz to @THEBryanLeech, @WillthebrickhouseMoore, @FinleyIRE: *Sniff* Thanks guys.

  WILL

  Josey: Congratulations! So delighted for you and the guys! Feeling a little tired so heading to the hotel for a nap. See you when you get back. x.