I muster a little nod and head to the nurse’s lounge to get my stuff. It’s then I realize I don’t have a car. Instead of bothering Claire, I order an Uber and rush downstairs. Once I’m in the car, I send her a text, knowing she’s going to kill me. That’s the least of my worries right now.
I almost tell the driver to keep driving when we pull up to my apartment and Shaw’s Jaguar is parked in his usual spot. But instead, I brace myself to see him.
My traitorous heart starts to beat faster, knowing he’s so close. Even devastated, I long to feel his arms around me, soothing me, and saying everything is going to be all right. There’s a reason he’s always been the one I run to when something bad happens at work. He knows exactly how to handle my fragile emotional state.
I walk in and am immediately assaulted with the smell of him everywhere. The spicy scent of his cologne and clean fresh fragrance of his soap fill the air. I inhale deep, a small bit of relaxation calming me.
“Thank God you’re okay.” His voice is rough and ragged as he turns from the front window.
I swallow a gasp as I take in his appearance. His hair is practically standing straight from running his hands through it, his usually bright and gorgeous hazel eyes are dull, framed by black circles, and his neatly trimmed beard is overgrown.
Even so, he’s still the most gorgeous man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
He doesn’t wait for me to respond, stalking to me and lifting me in his arms, enveloping me in his warmth. The familiarity sends a spark through me, and on impulse, I drop my bag and wrap my arms around him.
A loud sob escapes from deep in my chest, and I fight the avalanche of emotions about to explode. The next few seconds flash by in a blur, and I find myself on his lap on the sofa. My braid is now gone as he massages my scalp and threads his fingers through my hair, soothing me as only he knows how.
Part of me knows I need to move away, force myself out of the comfort of his arms, and ask him to leave.
Pathetically, I can’t.
“I’m not leaving. If you’re thinking of asking me to, I can’t.” He reads my mind.
“I want to so badly, but I can’t seem to make myself ask.”
“Then don’t, because I’d have to say no. And I never want to say no to you.”
“Oh, Shaw.” My breath hitches and I work hard to calm down.
My heart races so fast that I’m certain he can feel it against his own chest.
“I’m sorry doesn’t scratch the surface of how I feel right now. But it’s the only thing that comes to mind. I never meant for this to happen. I’d do anything in this world to change that night, the bad decision, and the ending result.”
“How did this happen, Shaw?” I free my arms and lift away, bracing on his chest. He doesn’t let me go far. Our faces are inches apart as his eyes lock with mine, and I see the pain and turmoil staring back.
“Sex. I had sex with her. It was a meaningless, unfulfilling, eventless fuck. I was so drunk, I don’t even remember.”
“And you didn’t wear protection?”
“Of course I did. That I am one-hundred percent sure of. Apparently it didn’t work.”
“When?” The word squeaks out. “When did you sleep with her?”
More pain flashes across his face, and he drops his eyes, breaking our stare. “Three weeks before we got together. It was the night of your blind date. The three of us made a night of it, going out to make sure you were safe. When you left and we knew you were home, I got shit-faced. Sasha was a convenience, always was.”
His eyes pop open as what he said dawns on me. “Always was? What does that mean?”
“Shit.”
This time, I use all my strength to break apart, moving away from him and curling in a ball in the corner of the sofa. He reaches for me, but I shake my head. “Tell me everything. Don’t leave anything out. If you ever loved me, give me this. Don’t soften the blow.”
He throws his head back and starts talking. Each word is like a stab to my heart. I listen intently, fading back to the fourteen year old who was ridiculed in school because Sasha Crane declared a war on me. Cancer or not, she was a ruthless, heartless bitch.
From his story, it seems she hasn’t changed. Now, we can add manipulative to the list of all her glowing traits.
When he’s done, I notice he’s winded, his chest heaving with beads of sweat rolling down his temple. The nurse in me gets concerned about his blood pressure as his face turns an unnatural shade of red.
I leap up and run to the kitchen, racing back with a bottle of water and shoving it into his shaking palms.
“Take slow sips and try to breathe deep.” I wipe the sweat off his face with my shirt.
“I’m okay.” He struggles to say. “It actually feels good to get it off my chest. My plan was to tell you on Friday night when everyone left. It was eating me up inside, and you deserved to know what was going on. I kept telling myself I was protecting you.”
His arms circle around my waist, his face resting against my stomach.
“Bizzy, I had no idea of your history. Mathis brought it up before we left for Tampa, the day he figured out my feelings for you had grown. He warned me, and I was disgusted. It was over though; I never planned to see her again. You have to believe me; she was faceless to me. She still is.”
My hands rest on his head, my fingers threading though his silky hair. He hugs me tighter to him.
“Shaw, it all makes sense—the sex, the timeline, the pregnancy. But I saw something on your face the other night, and it wasn’t just the way you locked eyes with Mathis. It was more. When you looked at me, it was a confirmation of sorts. That’s how I knew. But what makes you so sure this is your baby?”
“Exactly as you described. With her parting words on Friday, it was the way Sasha looked at me. She’s still a haughty, selfish, arrogant, conceited bitch. There’s no denying it, but in that small millisecond, something changed. It was like she was pleading with me to believe her.
“I’ve been praying nonstop for so many things since this all started, but most recently, I’ve concentrated on two things. One is you don’t leave me. The other is that I am wrong, and the baby isn’t mine.”
My knees go weak with the raw need in his tone. I sink back into his lap, tugging his hair until he’s looking at me.
“I’m not mad at you for having a life before me. I’m not stupid. A man like you has needs, and even though I hated thinking about it, I’ve always known you had a sex life. Never did I think you’d be with Sasha Crane, but I can see it. You’re both beautiful people with successful law careers. You two make more sense than us.”
He goes stiff, his nostrils flaring, and I find myself being crushed against him.
“Don’t you ever say that again. Nothing about me makes sense anymore without you. It took me too long to realize that. You are the beautiful one in this situation. Everything about you is so pure, so genuine, so blinding. It’s hard to breathe sometimes when I think about a future without you.”
“Sasha’s not going to give up, Shaw. If she wants you, she’s going to take measures to be in your life.”
“I can’t stand her, Bizzy. I may not know exactly what happened all those years ago between you and her, but I swear, if I’d had a clue, I never would have given her the time of day. Shit, I would have made her life miserable for saying one crass word to you. You have to believe me. Only one other time in my life have I felt this helpless, and that’s when Nick was diagnosed.”
Silence hangs in the air, and I know he’s telling me the truth.
“I believe you. Still, I’m going to need some time to think.”
“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow. Today, I need to sleep.”
He doesn’t let me go, even as I wiggle to free myself from his hold. His chest vibrates as he starts laughing.
“You must not have heard me. I�
�m not going anywhere, meaning not leaving, not letting you out of my sight.”
“You’re leaving so I can sleep, cry, scream, and try to wrap my head around the fact that my boyfriend is having a baby with my high school nemesis, who incidentally found a way to continue her adolescent torture and bullying throughout my college years. A campus of twenty-five thousand and I still had to endure the wrath of Sasha Crane.”
“That’s exactly why I’m staying. Sleep, cry, scream, anything you want, but you’ll do it with me.”
The weight of the last few days and now the last few minutes comes crashing down, and I stop struggling. Then I think about a future with Sasha Crane in my life, sharing a child with Shaw.
This is really going to piss her off.
“She’s not going to deal with us very well.”
“No, she’s not.”
“Let’s hope she’s let go of some of her aggressive tendencies. Maybe she’s matured?”
“Don’t count on it. She’s a spoiled bitch used to getting what she wants. This time, though, she’s not going to touch you.”
“Everything is going to change.”
He slides us down until I’m on my back and he’s hovering above me, one hand moving to caress my cheek. His eyes shine with so much love and torture at the same time, I feel my own start to pool with tears.
“Everything may change. This isn’t going to be easy, by any means. I’m a selfish bastard to ask you to stay, but I can’t live without you. The only way I can get though this is to have you by my side. So stick with me, Lizbeth, and trust me to protect you. I’ve said it already, but losing you isn’t an option.”
“I still need time, Shaw.”
“You can have your time with me glued to your side.”
I can’t stop the giggle that escapes, which turns into a full scale laughing fit. He cracks a small smile, but it looks pained, as if he’s waiting for me to turn hysterical. Instead, I twist into him, and remember why I’m in love with his possessive, protective, and bossy ass.
Even with my heart shattered and my future in absolute shambles, I let him hold me.
“Are you really okay?” Nicky takes my hand and leads me to the elevator, waving to the kids still screaming his name until the doors close us in.
“Stop asking me that.”
“I’ll stop asking when I’m convinced, which is not now. You still look a little pale to me.”
“Jeez, thanks. Way to boost my already fragile self-esteem.” I pinch the only centimeter of skin I can on his bulging bicep.
“OW!” he yelps. “That hurt!”
“Big baby. Didn’t you get plowed down by someone in Sunday’s game? Surely that man had more impact than my tiny, little pinch.” I joke with him, knowing he’s sensitive about being sacked.
“Not cool, Biz.”
“Serves you right for saying I look like shit.”
“That’s not what I said. I said you were pale, but truthfully, you can pull off the whole pale look, especially with unicorns jumping around on your scrubs.”
“Shut up.” I unlatch our joined hands and start slapping at him playfully. He overpowers me easily, pinning my arms behind my back, and tickles me until I beg for mercy.
That’s how we are when the doors open, and the people waiting for the elevator are faced with me squirming like a fish.
I straighten quickly, trying to regain my composure. But no one pays any attention to me when they recognize Nicky. He gets a few pats on the back and praises of ‘good game’ as he hurries past, leading me toward the cafeteria.
“I’m sure word already got out that you are here. The kids’ parents were as excited as the children themselves.”
“Yes, but I want a few minutes alone with you, not signing autographs or discussing game strategy.”
We file in line, and he hangs over my shoulder, watching me make my salad. I almost throw a tomato in his face until I remember it’ll bring attention to us and he’s trying to lay low.
“Will you stop looming and go get us a water?” I semi-growl under my breath.
“You don’t want a Coke?”
“Shit no, just a water.”
He dips down to look at my face and makes a production of feeling my forehead and checking my cheeks. I jab him in the ribs, giving him a dirty look, until he goes to the drink cooler and meets me back in line. As always, he insists on paying then drags me to a booth in a corner.
“What the hell was that? You didn’t want a Coke?”
“Thank your fucking brother for that. He’s filled my fridge and my pantry with at least six cases of Coke. Every time we start talking about the situation, he hands me a cold one, thinking it will miraculously change things. Never thought I’d say this, but I’m not sure even the powers of Coke can make this better.”
“So talk to me, and don’t give me this ‘I’m fine’ bullshit. I know you, Bizzy. Nothing about this situation is fine.”
“What do you want me to say? I’m processing.”
“How exactly are you processing?”
“Well, for one, I’m prepared for the test to come back positive. Shaw’s done denying it. He’s ready to move forward.”
“This isn’t about Shaw. I don’t give a flying fuck right now about how my stupid ass brother is. This is about you.”
This is why Nick Bennett has been my rock for so long. His concern for me knows no bounds. Blood may be thicker than water, but to him, I am blood.
I push the salad around the plate, my appetite disappearing.
“I’m hurt and so, so scared,” I finally admit out loud.
“Hurt I can understand, but why are you scared? We’re not kids anymore, and Sasha Crane can’t do anything else to you.”
I give a sarcastic laugh. “If only you knew.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Time to spill, Bizzy. I’m serious here. Tell me what’s going through your head.”
I drop my fork and abandon eating, looking up into his concerned eyes.
“Don’t you think this is too weird? Like the universe has it out for me? I’ve always tried to see the bright side of things, but I can’t turn this around. I hated getting cancer. I was scared out of my mind, but it brought me you. It was tough getting into the Nursing Program, but it gave me the incentive to work and push harder. There, I met Claire. Every time I lose a patient, it affects me all the way to my bones, but I remember their sweet faces and try to make my next patient smile through the pain.
“This is too much. I can’t see the bright side. The chances of Shaw getting another woman pregnant were slim. But the chance it is Sasha Crane? That’s too eerie. And now I have to live with the fact she can give him what I may not be able to. A baby.”
Before I can say any more, Nicky is around the table and sliding in the booth next to me. His arms wrap around my shoulders, and I concentrate hard not to cry.
“Tell me more,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head.
“The chemo, the radiation, all of the drugs. There’s a chance it affected my ability to reproduce. That’s the reason I was in the doctor’s office last Friday. I went to talk about my options. Shaw wants kids. I wanted to give them to him. But now, even if it is possible, he’ll always have a child with another woman.” Air rushes out of my lungs at the confession.
“Son of a fucking bitch. Goddamnit, Bizzy, why didn’t you come talk to me? You’ve been dealing with this alone?”
“In case you forgot, since I got home two days ago, Shaw has been everywhere. He’s bossy and demanding and forcing me to talk to him. This is the one piece of me I’ve been internalizing. And besides, there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“But I get it. I’m the only fucking person that does. I know your fears. I have them, too.”
“You do?” I tilt my face to his.
“Yes, I was checked last year. It was a routine check-up, and when my doctor mentioned we could check my sperm, I went for
it.”
“And?”
“Motility, mobility, and all that shit look good. Only time will tell, but he was encouraging.”
“That’s good.”
“The point is, you’re not alone. Especially now.”
I nod and lay my head back on his shoulder. “Thank you for telling me. It gives me hope.”
“Anytime, never thought you’d be interested in my sperm or I’d have mentioned it sooner.” His voice is laced with humor.
I pretend to gag and make a retching sound. “Now you’ve made it gross.”
He laughs, his chest shaking against my cheek.
“You know I love you, right?”
“I love you, too.”
“Well, good, because you ever hold something this big inside again, I’ll beat your ass.”
It’s my turn to giggle at another of our inside jokes. “Bring it on, ball boy… bring it on.”
We laugh together, and some of my tension eases. For the first time in almost a week, my heart is lighter.
Chapter 17
Shaw
“Your brother’s on his way,” Gail buzzes in.
“Which one?”
“The famous one.”
“Out of curiosity, if Mathis is the smart one, and Nick’s the famous one… which am I?”
“You’re the hotshot.”
“Figures,” I grumble, shaking my head.
Nick comes around the corner and lifts Gail out of her chair in a bear hug. She’s so tiny in his arms, and I laugh watching her smacking him away. He puts her down and says a few words, making her blush.
Then he turns to face me, and all laughter stops.
His eyes land on mine with a narrow gaze, and his face transforms into a look only described as furious rage. Gone is the playful persona he gave Gail.
I know this look. This is personal. This is an anger that is hostile to the point of craze. It clicks.
This is about Bizzy.
I get up to meet him, ready for anything as he stalks into my office, barreling toward me. I barely register his fist before it connects with my jaw, and I’m slammed into the wall.
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