by Exley Avis
I mouthed the word bastard at Aiden as we piled into his Range Rover and he grinned at me before driving us out to the East End.
If we’d thought the City was cold, the abandoned factory site was something else. The temperature dropped by a good ten degrees and the raw wind seemed shot through with razor blades. With our collars turned up, we huddled down into our coats and walked the perimeter, trying to get a sense of the area and how it might be at risk of contamination.
In spite of her extra layers, Allie looked frozen and tried very hard to hide it. I couldn’t bear to see her shivering and wished I could put my arms around her, or pull her inside my coat to get her out of the biting wind. From there my imagination made the short leap to heating up every beautiful inch of her with kisses as she lay naked on my bed, making her as hot for me as I was burning for her.
When it came to raising my temperature, Allie Lawless was off the scale. Offering her my scarf seemed a very poor substitute.
“Here, take this,” I said, unwinding it from around my neck and holding it out to her.
“I can’t. You’ll freeze.”
“Please.”
She ducked away but I persisted and she eventually let me wrap the chunky scarf twice around her. I pulled it up high to cover her dainty diamond earrings and snuggled it in tightly under her chin to block the gaps in her coat.
Made brave by all the talk of Claridges, I let my fingers graze the soft skin behind her ears, all the while wishing I could bury my face against her neck and kiss her. No other woman could have skin that smooth, and that touchable, or a body curved to fit mine so exactly. The thought of it had driven me insane for six months.
When Allie didn’t back off, my thumb traced the line of her cheekbone, wiping away a stray tear where the wind had made her eyes water. If I’d have bent my head slightly, I’d have been within an inch of kissing her, and had Aiden not been standing a few feet away, I might have risked it.
Allie read my mind however and the look in her beautiful, green eyes begged me not to. I pulled away and swallowed down the regret at a missed opportunity.
“Thank you,” she breathed, although I wasn’t sure whether she was grateful for my scarf or my restraint.
Aiden walked back towards us across the frozen ground, shaking his head. “We need a proper underground survey,” he said. “It’s impossible to guess what’s going on twenty feet down.”
But before he could say any more his phone went off, his ring tone playing Erika Fenn’s latest hit song. Allie laughed.
“I love Erika Fenn,” she said to me when Aiden stepped away to take the call, raising her voice above the wind. “Aiden had her playing in the car the whole way out here.”
“He’s mad on her,” I confirmed. “Never plays anything else. And last time she was on tour, he followed her round America for three months.”
Allie laughed again at a grown man being so smitten. “She’s very talented though. Not to mention incredibly beautiful. I don’t blame him.”
“But unattainable,” I pointed out. “I prefer my women a little closer to home.”
If that wasn’t a hint, I don’t know what was, but sadly Aiden came back over to us and stopped the conversation dead.
“There’s a problem on the new apartment block in Rochester. They need me out in Kent right now.” He turned to Allie, his face one big apology, but I got the impression that Kent wasn’t quite as urgent as he was making out. “Sorry, Allie. Would you mind if Radford saw you back into town?”
“Not at all.” Her hesitation was only slight but I caught it. “I’ll tell the legal team to hold off until the surveyors have been in. Call me when you’re ready.”
“I will, as long as you promise to let Radford buy you a coffee on the way back. You’re chilled to the bone.”
With a final wicked glance in my direction that said, you owe me, Aiden strode off toward his car leaving Allie and I stranded in the middle of freezing wasteland.
“We’d better get walking,” I suggested. “Or they’ll be sending out the Arctic Rescue Squad.”
“I didn’t know there was such a thing.”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure there is. But I’m not hanging around here to find out.”
Allie giggled at her own gullibility and we set off in search of civilisation and coffee, walking at a brisk pace to warm us up after standing around for so long. I thought I’d feel awkward being alone with her again after so long, but it instantly felt easy and familiar and I relaxed.
“Aiden’s driven off with my leather boots,” Allie laughed, pointing down at her Wellingtons. “Not quite the thing for the office.”
“I’ll pick them up if you like,” I said. I was glad of the excuse to see her again. “I’m having drinks with him tomorrow.”
“Thanks. They’re my favourite pair.” She pushed her hands down deep into her pockets and hunched her shoulders against the wind. “I like Aiden very much,” she said, “He’s funny. And incredibly charming.”
“And very successful with women,” I finished for her.
“I’m not surprised. He’s very handsome. Pity he’s a client or I’d be tempted.”
I glanced sideways at her, trying to work out if she were serious but she snuggled down deeper into my scarf and gave nothing away. I suffered a pang of jealousy that a piece of my clothing was allowed closer to her than I was.
“How long have you known him?” she asked.
“Since the very early days. When we were both at the bottom of the career ladder and long before he floated his company on the Stock Exchange. He’s a great client.”
“More than that though, surely.”
“Aiden’s a very good friend too.” I laughed to myself. “Despite his obsession with Erika Fenn.”
Allie laughed loudly, every shred of tension dissolving from her body until her whole being sparkled and her eyes came alive. The urge to pull her into my arms and kiss that smile off her face had never been stronger but I didn’t dare push my luck.
Just being with her was enough for the moment and I shortened my stride, in no rush to get back.
“Look, there’s a café,” she said, pointing across the road at the worst kind of greasy spoon imaginable.
I couldn’t help turning my nose up at what looked like a breeding ground for every kind of food poisoning going. “It’s not exactly The Ritz.”
“So what?” She looped her arm through mine to drag me across the road. “Walk on the wild side with me. I could murder a cuppa and a bacon butty.”
How could I refuse? Although I wondered what later my colleagues would have said seeing me with a mug of builders’ tea and a doorstep bacon sandwich on a cracked plate.
Once we were in the warm, Allie hung her coat on the back of her chair and took off her heavy sweater before unbuttoning the cashmere cardigan she had on underneath. Her final layer was a skimpy black vest that clung tightly around her body, showed enough cleavage to be distracting and had my imagination running round in circles.
I expected her to unwind my scarf too but she simply loosened it, as if still staking her claim.
“I’m glad we have this time alone,” she said out of the blue when our tea and sandwiches arrived. “I’ve been looking for an excuse to call since I came back to London.”
“Oh?”
My heart jump-started and raced away from me but I said nothing. It was an old lawyer trick – opt for silence and let the witness do all the talking. Sooner or later they give themselves away – far quicker than asking too many questions.
“I regret not thanking you properly for my new job,” she went on, determined to say her piece even though she was clearly nervous. Her voice sounded stilted, as if she’d rehearsed the speech a hundred times in front of the mirror. “We didn’t have a real chance to say goodbye either.”
I couldn’t stop a cynical laugh escaping me. “We left a lot unsaid. Not just goodbye.”
My hostility made her flinch. “I know. And I’m sor
ry. I don’t blame you for being angry.”
“I’m not angry.”
“What are you then?”
“A lot of things.” I shrugged to show I hadn’t worked through exactly how I felt yet. It went a long way towards the truth.
Allie searched my face but I was the master of the blank expression. My living depended upon it, after all. And when I felt as uncertain as I did at that moment, it was my best defence, even though all I wanted to do was kiss her.
Unsettled, her tongue flicked nervously across her lips, stirring up a dozen hot memories and I gripped my chair to stop myself reaching for her.
“Thanks for persuading Stephen Mercer to take me on,” she went on, interpreting my uncertainty as coldness but continuing anyway. “I appreciate it more than I can ever say.”
“How could I stand back and do nothing when it was all my fault? If I hadn’t punched Daniel Greene, you wouldn’t have lost your job.”
“If you hadn’t punched Daniel Greene, I might have ended up another rape statistic.” She glared at me, her mouth taut and her eyes burning fiercely. If I still felt anger over that night, Allie’s feelings were obviously far more complicated. “Don’t ever apologise for what you did. You saved me.”
Her face gradually softened into an uncertain smile and, acting on impulse, I reached for her hand. Anticipating it, she pulled away, putting both hands under the table, out of reach.
Too fast, I warned myself again. Frighten her off and you’ll never get a second chance.
“I hear great things about you from Stephen,” I therefore said, returning the conversation to neutral, even though I only wanted to tell her how much I’d missed her. “Are you happy?”
“I am now I’m back in England.” She laughed softly and sipped her tea, playing for time. “I loved Rome but found it hard to adjust. London gets into your blood and it’s impossible to settle anywhere else. I missed the sights, the sounds, my friends.”
Me? I wanted to ask but didn’t dare.
“I spent the summer in LA and missed London too,” I agreed. “My younger sister’s a consulting historian for film and TV companies.” I rattled off a list of period dramas Eve had worked on, not bothering to disguise my pride. “She’s been begging me to go out there for ages. And with the collapse of the Zeus case, I thought, why not?”
At the mention of Zeus Developments, Allie shook her head wistfully and let out a huge sigh. “I still can’t believe what an impact that one evening had on so many lives,” she mused. “My job. Your reputation. Zeus losing the case. Now the failure of the company…”
“…our relationship,” I finished for her. The words exploded between us and Allie recoiled. “If you’re compiling a list of casualties, don’t forget to include our relationship on the list of exhibits.”
“There wasn’t one.” She stiffened. “One weekend doesn’t count as a relationship.”
“One amazing weekend,” I corrected her.
But Allie refused to let the memories resurface, the effort filling her eyes with tears and she blinked hard. “I don’t want to go back there, Radford. I’m looking for closure with you.”
“What if I want more?”
“You can’t have it. “
“Why not?”
“Because it’s taken me six months to put my life back together.” She took a deep breath. “When I got on that plane, I felt I’d lost everything. My home, my friends, my career.”
“Me?” This time I wasn’t afraid to prompt her.
Allie hunched her shoulders and folded in on herself, pulling the scarf up around her ears. If I hadn’t known better, I’d have thought she was trying to make herself disappear.
“How could I lose you when I didn’t really have you in the first place?” she asked, looking at me steadily. “We were the couple that never was.”
“Only because we didn’t give ourselves a chance.”
“Even if we had, it wouldn’t have gone anywhere.”
“How can you say that?”
“Experience and instinct.” Apparently I wasn’t the only one allowed a lawyer’s intuition. “Eventually we’d have gone the same way as every other relationship we’ve ever had. Neither of us has a great track record.”
My lover’s mouth geared up to deliver a stream of reasons why she was wrong but the professional side of my brain called a halt.
“I could do the lawyer thing here and play my cards close to my chest,” I began, “But instead I’ll tell you exactly why I think you’re wrong.”
“Why?”
“Because you and I were made for each other.”
It was Allie’s turn to laugh cynically. “Do you really believe in all that? Soul mates? Destined to be together?”
“Had you asked me a year ago, I’d have laughed in your face. But a lot’s happened since then.” I didn’t like to throw the past back at her but she left me with no choice. “Before you went to Italy, you said that, if you could put together a brief for the perfect man, it would end up on my desk. What’s changed?”
“I was upset. I wasn’t thinking straight. I probably said a lot of things I didn’t mean.”
“You meant it.” I wouldn’t let her alter her story now. “And no matter what you say, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I missed you, Allie. Missed you more than I thought possible. You’re beautiful. Intelligent. Funny. And the sex…” I let my voice trail away. I didn’t need to remind her how incredible that had been. “When I went to America I put half the world between us, hoping it would cure the dead ache inside me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never met anyone like you before. I never will again. I don’t want to let you go a second time.”
Allie hung her head, giving herself time to let the information sink in, analysing and evaluating. Her fingers trembled and I wanted so much to kiss the heartache away.
“You’re not the only one who did a lot of thinking,” she said eventually. “I cried myself to sleep for a month over you but then I spent the next five coming up with all the reasons we’d never have lasted. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what’s going on here.”
I came pretty close but I didn’t have a clue. “What?”
“Women don’t normally walk away from you. Your love life is a succession of one night stands. Meet them. Flirt a little. Fuck a lot.” She waited for me to argue but I couldn’t. “Then you put your clothes on the next morning and leave. That’s exactly how you like it. But me…” She narrowed her eyes and leaned forward across the table as if about to confide a huge secret. “…I’m the one that got away. If I hadn’t bruised your ego so much, you wouldn’t be sitting here now asking for a second chance.”
“Is that what you think this is? A sick desire for revenge?”
“Isn’t it?” Her expression dared me to disagree with her. “Be honest with yourself. Had I remained in London, we’d have bonked each other’s brains out for a month but you’d have got bored eventually and found someone else. When I finally worked that out, I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved with you again.”
“It wouldn’t be like that.”
“No. You’re right. It could be much worse.” Allie started counting off the ways on her fingers. “Aiden’s a huge client, bigger than Zeus ever were, and you’re one of his closest friends. If you and I got involved and broke up, the knock-on effects would be disastrous. My career doesn’t have nine lives. I’ve been handed a second chance and I don’t want to mess it up again.”
She tried to back away from me but I caught the ends of the scarf and pulled her closer again, my face only inches from hers. Had I leaned in, I could have kissed away the gloss of butter and tea on her lips but I wasn’t willing to play that dirty.
Yet.
“So far, your reasons for not getting involved, have been about me, other women, Aiden, your job, the firm. But what about you, Allie? What’s really stopping you?”
“Please, Aiden. Don’t push me. It’s too painful.”
/> Her wide eyes begged me to let the subject drop but I couldn’t.
“Then tell me how you really feel,” I said softly. “I don’t care what it is. I just need to hear the truth.”
Silent tears spilled over and down Allie’s cheeks when she looked back up at me. They ran down her face unchecked until they dripped down onto my scarf and I imagined her crying for me in Rome too. The thought split my heart in two.
“I can’t get involved with you again because I’m too terrified,” she whispered. “Scared I’ll get in over my head and you’ll break my heart.”
“I’m terrified too.”
“Then why risk it?”
“Because the thought of not being with you frightens me even more.”
Allie’s entire body seized and the blood drained from her face. I read the panic in her eyes. There she sat, desperate to trust me, willing me to tell her the truth, and yet hesitating at the huge leap of faith it would take to let down her defences.
I had one chance to convince her I meant every word and went for it.
“I’ve never been in love before, Allie. I don’t know if I’d even recognise it, or if I’m cut out for it, but it feels like I’m standing on the edge of falling in love with you.”
Hark at me, I thought. Pouring my heart out like a lovesick schoolboy on his first Valentine’s Day. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. If Allie wanted the definition of risk, she was about to see me break open up my chest and hand her my heart.
“Until the moment I met you, my entire life was about professional success,” I said. “Work hard. Play even harder. Running from one case to the next without time to look up in between. Falling into a different bed every night without wanting to stay in any of them.”
Allie held her breath.
“Then that Sunday morning, you lay naked in my arms, fast asleep, and I wanted the world to stop. Suddenly I didn’t need to keep running. No more chasing success. Because the missing part of me – that I’d been searching so hard for – was right there with her leg curled around me and her head on my shoulder.”
Allie’s tears came again, forming a glassy sheen on her eyelashes that hinted at a thousand more held back inside. I wanted so much to kiss them away. To lie her down and make her forget that there was anything else in the world but the two of us and the way I felt about her.