by Alexa Davis
At first, I was so touched by the fact that she wanted to stay sitting with me, even if it was probably more for the television screen than me, that I didn’t notice how she had asked Olivia for permission to do something. That wasn’t like her at all. The Justine that I knew behaved in whatever way she pleased.
“Sure, it is, sweetheart,” Olivia replied happily. “I’ll get it on a tray for you.”
I stared at Justine, trying to see past the parts of her that looked painfully like her mother, and I tried to actually see her. It was hard in my fuzzy state; I barely knew what was going on, but I could see emotion. Her expression was as stoic as ever; unless she was angry, Justine didn’t show much, but dancing behind her eyes was something else. It wasn’t all as straightforward as it seemed. I parted my lips, wanting to question her about her feelings, but as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I clamped my lips shut. What was the point in trying?
“You shouldn’t have to ask that,” I muttered, more to myself than anyone else. “It’s your house.”
“Hmm?” It seemed that Justine wasn’t really listening to me anyway, which was probably just as well. Much as it would be satisfying to share my bitterness with someone else, it wouldn’t exactly help things.
Olivia eventually came from the kitchen with some soup for Justine. My daughter sucked her soup back as if it was the tastiest thing in the world, encouraging me to do the same. I was pissed off, but not enough to turn down food that someone else had cooked for me. It was good, not that I’d admit it aloud.
Damn you, Olivia, I thought crossly. Why do you have to be so… so…?
I wasn’t sure what the word was. I could almost feel it on the tip of my tongue, but it wasn’t quite there. Funny how I never had any issues expressing myself when it came to my mom. I would give her hell over the slightest little thing, especially when it came to Justine. I guess I just didn’t understand her and she didn’t me, and neither of us were willing to try and get past that. It was just a shame that she ended up dying disappointed in me. I wished that I could have changed that. I wasn’t sure how, but if I’d known it was coming, I could have done something. Maybe even just had a proper conversation with her. Something to make sure that when she was gone, I wasn’t left feeling like complete and utter shit about myself.
“Right,” I murmured glumly while pushing myself into a standing position. “I’m going back to bed. I’m tired now, and the TV is doing my head in.”
Neither Olivia or Justine said anything; they simply let me go. Olivia stood up to stop me from falling as I staggered back to the bedroom, but not once did she tell me to stay. It wasn’t until I got into the room and I collapsed onto the bed that I realized what a foolish mistake I’d made. She wasn’t saying anything to me, and it wasn’t exactly bonding time, but Justine had been sitting next to me on the couch. That was progress.
You idiot, I scolded myself while I turned to stare up at the ceiling. What a moron.
I didn’t think that it would be like this; I wasn’t expecting the nanny to have such an effect on our lives. It was quite disconcerting to be honest, I didn’t know what to do about it. She made me uneasy and stripped some of the control away from me in my own home. If Justine didn’t seem to like her so much then she would be fired right away. Back on a plane to whatever small town she came from. Somewhere that was nothing like New York City. It was just a shame that she was doing such a good job with everyone but me.
She isn’t here to work with me, I reminded myself as I tried to make it a little bit better. Aside from this, our paths don’t need to cross. I’ll barely see her; I won’t even need to think of her.
But weirdly, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get her out of my mind now. She was stuck there with super glue, affecting my every thought and leaving me confused and a little helpless. Why had she crawled under my skin? As my eyes flickered closed, I hoped that it was just a temporary thing. Maybe she would vanish with this flu and all of this would be forgotten. When normal service resumed, I hoped that she would return to being the babysitter, nothing more. Not the annoying fly buzzing around my head.
Chapter Twelve
Olivia
Tuesday
“Morning, Olivia,” Justine said shyly as she came into the kitchen. There was a sweet, happy tone to her voice, which made my chest swell. I much preferred that to the snappy tone that I got not so long ago. “How are you?”
“Oh, I’m good, thank you.” I gave her the brightest grin I could manage. I loved that we had something of a bond now and I wanted it to keep on growing. “You want some cereal before school?”
“Actually…” She slid onto a bar stool and bit down on her bottom lip. “Can I have an omelet?”
My heart nearly stopped dead as she said that. Now that really meant something! It might have been a tiny gesture, but to me, it felt huge. It felt like by accepting my breakfast, she was ready to take me on too.
“Of course, you can!” I pointed towards the fridge. “Do you want to pour some juice while I get it ready?”
She did as I asked without even a whimper of complaint. It seemed that a little bit of connection and some obvious boundaries had been really good for her. I took a second to wonder what her life was like before I got into the mix. Obviously, Mark wasn’t ever amazing, but there was her grandmother. I would have liked to meet her. I bet she would have given me a very honest insight into the family’s life.
“You, erm, remember that we have an appointment today?” I asked her cautiously. “With Susan?”
I didn’t know how this would make her react. The therapy was a touchy subject, and I could understand why. I lifted my shoulders, bunched them up around my ears, and stared at her awkwardly. Justine paused for a second with her back to me, but then the tension seemed to flow away from her body, and she nodded.
“Okay. Is that after school?” I made an agreeable noise. “Are you going to be there too?”
“I can be if you want me to be. You just let me know what you want. That’s my job after all.”
But it was more than just a job; my heart yearned to be there with her, helping her if she needed me to be.
“That would be great, thank you.” I slid the plate with the cooked omelet on it. “This looks lovely.”
I tried not to look at her too much as she ate the food, but my eyes kept drifting that way regardless. I couldn’t stop the small smile from spreading across my lips as I could see her really enjoying it. Thank God; if she hated it, I wasn’t sure what that would mean for me. She even let out a little moan of pleasure she liked it so much.
“Thank you for making this for me,” Justine blurted out, her cheeks reddening as she spoke. “It’s nice.”
She finished up quickly and raced to her room to get dressed. I knew that Rosa was coming to clean the place today, but I couldn’t stop myself from tidying around the kitchen and cleaning up the plates. The last time she was here, she informed me that Mark preferred to leave it for her, but that wasn’t me. It didn’t take long to clean up after us anyway, and it made Rosa’s job that much easier. Why not help her out a bit if I could?
“I’m ready!” Justine came out only moments later. “Will you walk me to the car?”
I looked up from the grocery list that I was currently in the middle of reading. “Hmm, of course.”
“How…” Justine glanced towards her father’s room. “How is Dad? Is he any better?”
“He’ll be fine.” I lifted up the paper. “I’m doing some shopping today so I’ll grab some more meds to help him out. But I’m sure he’ll be on the way to recovering. He can’t be sick for too much longer. I’m taking care of him, so you don’t need to worry.” She nodded slowly. “Don’t you worry, you just get to school, okay?”
On the outside, Justine looked like she had the toughest outer shell in the world, but underneath she was soft and squishy. She cared for her dad, even if she didn’t want to admit it. It was hardly surprising since she’d lost everyone else. He
was the only family that she had left. It was sweet; she was adorable in her own way.
“Come on, then.” I guided her towards the elevator. “Let us get going.”
On the way down, Justine actually told me something about school. It wasn’t much, just an anecdote about a book that they were reading in English class, but it made me feel good. The more that she opened up to me about anything, the more I got to know her. I was hungry for information; I would take anything from her.
By the time I waved her off, I felt good. I had this buzzing feeling in my chest that everything was going to go upwards as far as Justine was concerned. It was just a shame that she came with the black cloud that was Mark. To be honest, when he first left to go on his business trip, I was terrified. I thought that him going would be the scariest thing ever, but actually it was better with him gone. He didn’t say too much, but I could feel a negativity burning from him. I wanted him to like me, he was paying me, but I couldn’t seem to do it.
I sighed loudly, forced myself back into the elevator, and I made my way back up to the apartment. As far as I knew, Mark was still sleeping and I had no idea what mood he would wake up in. I hoped that an omelet would help him along the way. Like his daughter, the key to his heart was through his stomach.
“Good morning,” I whispered quietly as I pushed Mark’s bedroom door open, armed with a tray of food. “Are you awake?” He stirred and made a grumbling sound, but nothing to suggest that he was ready. “Oh, well, I’ve made you some food so I’ll put it on your bedside cabinet.” I awkwardly placed the try next to him, trying not to spill it. “There’s a cup of tea there too; I’m sure you’re very thirsty. And, erm, there’s sugar in it too.”
He shifted under the bed sheets, but he didn’t actually move, so I slid backward out of the room, breathing a sigh. I headed straight for the bathroom to grab him some aspirin, the one thing that I forgot. I shook the box, noticing that it was getting towards the empty side which meant I needed to get out sooner rather than later.
I wanted to get out anyway. The atmosphere of the apartment with him in it was almost stifling. I could hardly breathe under the weight of it all. I felt trapped and I needed to get some air into my lungs. Luckily, the city outside of this place was the best place on earth. I hadn’t gotten so used to New York that I didn’t love being there. It was my dream come true, and I wouldn’t let myself forget that for even a second.
“I have you some… oh, you’re awake!” I raised my tone as I saw Mark sipping the tea. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, I just wanted to make sure that you’re hydrated and everything.” I walked closer to him and handed him the pills. “Here you are, I’m sure you need some aspirin right about now.”
He threw the pills into his mouth and sucked them back with another sip of tea. It was almost as if the burning hot temperature of it didn’t bother him at all!
“Right.” I felt too awkward. I needed to get out of this room. “I’ll be about if you want me…”
“No,” he rasped in a gravelly tone of voice. “Stay, please. I would rather you stayed.”
Urgh, that made me want to scream with frustration. I didn’t want to remain in the worst place in the house! Why the hell would I want to do that? And why would he want me? We had nothing to talk about!
“Oh, I really should get on…” I pointed behind me, but Mark’s face looked crestfallen. “Unless… erm…”
What the hell was going on here? What did he want? A small bubble of rage burned in the pit of my stomach while I looked warily at him. How could this man be so blind to what was going on around him? I wanted to shake him and demand that he pull his head out of his ass… but he didn’t like me enough as it was.
“I want to talk to you about Justine.” Oh shit, I didn’t know how to answer that. “About what to do?”
“To do about what? About her?” I threw my hands into the air in frustration. “Why don’t you speak to her?”
To my surprise, Mark’s face fell hard. “I try,” he said quietly. “But we just don’t connect.”
I did feel a little bad for him; it seemed like he was really struggling with this, but then he had brought this on himself, hadn’t he? If he just tried a little bit, it would be okay. He was only at his home because he was sick, not because he cared. If he didn’t feel ill, who the hell knew where he would be?
My hands flung onto my hips, and I narrowed my eyes at him. I could almost feel myself channeling my mother, which wasn’t ideal, but I couldn’t see to stop it now. “Mark, just spend some time with her. That’s how you’ll start to connect with her. By avoiding her, you’re just creating more issues than is necessary.”
Mark flicks his eyes up to me, and his expression changed completely. Gone was the sadness and anger replaced it instead. “Oh, what do you know? You’ve only been here for a short while. How can you say anything?”
“And in that short while, look how much I’ve connected with her. Are you serious? Can’t you see it?”
“Pfft.” Mark shook his head in dismay at me. “If I wanted your opinion, I would ask for it.”
“You did ask me, remember?” Was he spinning that badly because of the flu? “But forget I spoke. Obviously, you don’t want to know about your daughter, after all. It’s too much hard work for you to bother.”
I turned on my heels, ready to storm away from him. I couldn’t argue with my boss, that wouldn’t end well for me, and I also couldn’t keep talking to him while he was so out of it. This was utterly pointless. I could only give him advice if he wanted to hear it and right now he didn’t seem to want to face anything. It was annoying, but what could I do about it? If he cared about Justine, he would at least try. He wouldn’t do nothing.
“You know…” I couldn’t seem to stop myself from spinning back at the very last second. “Justine has her therapy appointment with Susan today. If you want to learn how to connect with her, then you should come.”
But as I slammed the door behind myself, I already knew that he wouldn’t. He didn’t care enough. His work would always come first. I wasn’t sure if this was his personality or a byproduct of his grief, but it wasn’t helping anyone. If something didn’t change soon then this family would implode and unfortunately, it seemed that I would be the one left to pick up the pieces.
Damn it; this is too hard!
Chapter Thirteen
Mark
My insides burned and sizzled as I watched Olivia leave. What the hell was with her? Why did she rub me in the wrong way? My heart thumped, my lungs felt raspy and raw: I wasn’t sure what to do about it. There was a part of me that wanted to chase after her, to keep screaming at her, but another bit of me was glad that I couldn’t. I didn’t have the inner strength to get up. I couldn’t see the row getting us anywhere; it would just be more yelling. I hadn’t been in a circle of pointless yelling for a very long time. Over five years…
I chewed the omelet, hating how nice it tasted. It was made by her, and right now she was the enemy. My eyes burned holes in the door as nasty thoughts darted behind my brain. I decided to fire her, even if it would be a nuisance to me, but I decided against that the moment I thought about Justine’s face. She might have been a crazy bitch with me, but my daughter liked her. And if I wanted to be truly honest with myself, she had helped. The whole therapist mess wouldn’t have been sorted at all if it was left up to me. I might have even insisted that she continued going to my guy just to make life easier.
Fucking hell, I thought angrily to myself with rage burning all over. What a fucking nightmare.
I was basically being held hostage in my own home. By the illness, which meant I couldn’t get to work, and by her as well. She had me fixed here because everyone else liked her but me. Maybe I should have considered myself as the problem, but it wasn’t me. I definitely thought it was her. With her annoying wavy hair and her bright smiles that grated on me, and the way that she laughed… ugh, it was her. Even her name was annoying. I should never have hired h
er; I should’ve sensed that she would be a problem.
I needed to get up. I couldn’t keep remaining in this prison where Olivia had me locked away. My legs didn’t want to hold much weight; I kept falling to the ground, but I needed to try. Maybe a shower would help out. The hot, steaming water running over my head and clearing my mind. I needed that. Immediately I stood up and wobbled, but with a quick grab onto the bedside table I managed to remain standing. Just.
I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision, and I sucked in a few breaths to keep me up. Then, with a decisive nod, I staggered slowly into my bathroom. As I went, I felt a small sense of victory. This was something that I’d done all on my own without any help from anyone. Haha, fuck you, Olivia! I have strength.
Of course, I almost fell to the floor with exhaustion when I flicked the shower on, but I chose to ignore that and only focus on the good parts of this morning… not that there were many. I waited for a couple of moments for the water to heat up to my preferred temperature and I got my breath back at the same time.
Just as I suspected, with the burning jets bouncing off of my muscles, I started to relax a bit. My mind began to clear. I could think now, but the irritation remained. I couldn’t stop thinking about Olivia and how much she irritated me. The image of her sweet infuriating face wound me up. I just wanted to… to grab her… to shake her… to make her see my point of view… to kiss her…
No, I don’t mean kiss her. I shook my head rapidly. I definitely don’t mean kiss her. What the hell?
I wasn’t sure where that thought came from but I didn’t want to think of it again. The last thing I needed in my mind was an image of Olivia’s soft, plump lips pressing up against mine… and then her clothes shedding and her gorgeous naked body revealing to me. Her pale, slick skin, her round, plump breasts, that sexy little waist of hers… oh fuck, this was nuts. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about Olivia in that way?