by Alexa Davis
Stop it, I scolded myself. Just stop it already. Think of something else, anything else…
But my brain wasn’t fully mine, I didn’t have total control over it, and it kept darting in directions I wasn’t too sure about. More of Olivia’s body came into my mind. I imagined myself tasting her, her sucking me, me being inside of her and riding her hard and fast. I couldn’t seem to stop the pictures; they were on a roll, flickering through my mind and driving me wild. This time my heart thunder for a whole different reason.
Oh great! I glanced down at my cock which had, of course, sprung to attention. What a cliché.
There was no way that I would become the guy that everyone bitched about, the pathetic weakling who couldn’t resist screwing his kid’s nanny. Those people always ended up with problematic children, and I already had enough issues in that department, thank you very much. No, I needed to forget her.
“Oh, Mark.” I could almost hear the words falling delicately from her lips. “I want you so badly.”
“Urgh, no,” I groaned aloud as I thought about that happening. I was becoming everything that I didn’t want to be. It had to be the sickness; this wasn’t me at all. I just needed to focus on getting myself better. Simple.
This was obviously going to happen, I heard a voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like my wife’s. Or maybe my mother’s; I wasn’t totally sure. Of course, you were going to fall for her. She gets under your skin.
All of a sudden, my eyes popped wide open. There was more to this than I first realized. This wasn’t just a sexual fantasy. I didn’t just like Olivia: I had feelings for her. It was crazy, I barely knew her, but then I knew the last time I fell in love right away as well. With Michelle, I knew in seconds. I didn’t even need to think about it. And we disagreed with one another a lot in the beginning as well. It was actually quite similar.
Shit. I shook my head and rubbed the water over my face. Shit, shit, shit.
Now I was facing a situation where I would potentially have to fire Olivia. I couldn’t actually like her. Maybe I needed to do something to distract myself from this mess. I just had too much time on my hands, that was all.
I hopped out of the shower, and I grabbed my cell phone. I dialed Holden’s number and waited impatiently for him to answer. The only thing that I could ever get really absorbed in was my work.
“Oh, Mark, I’m surprised to hear from you!” Holden did sound stunned. “How are you doing?”
“Hmm, much better,” I lied. “Not good enough to go to any meetings today but can you email me some stuff to do? I want to keep in the loop and working makes me feel better.”
“I think it might be best for you to relax, don’t you? When I saw you, you looked bad. Like you had a real fever, or something. I know that you have a tendency to push yourself and I don’t want to encourage that.”
I rolled my eyes and snorted. “Holden, just send me some stuff. Basic stuff. It doesn’t need to be shit that you’re too worried about. Even just some emails to read that I don’t need to do anything about.”
Holden seemed to sense the urgency in my voice because finally, he threw me a bone. “Okay, sure.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief. “Great. Send me whatever. I’ll be sitting by my laptop, okay?”
“Yeah, but make sure you don’t push it, okay? I don’t want you to make yourself feel worse. We need you back here in the office, you crazy bastard. Everyone misses you already.”
“Oh no, I won’t.” Nothing could make me feel worse, and I needed to get back as well. I missed the steady way that the office made me feel. Home was sending me crazy. “I’ll be good. Scout’s honor.”
“Scout’s honor?” Holden laughed, filled with mirth. “Since when were you a Scout?”
“Okay, whatever, I wasn’t.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “But send me some work already.”
“Alright, alright, you crazy workaholic. I’ll see what I can find for you. There must be something.”
As I hung up the phone, I felt relieved; it was awesome to have something else to worry about. All this stuff with Olivia was driving me insane. I just needed something more important, something that wasn’t her. It had to be her fault anyway; she was parading around in her new tight fitting clothing, it was bound to create some… stirrings.
Even if, deep down, I knew that was bullshit, I decided to go with that theory anyway. It was easier to blame Olivia than to consider that I might actually have a thing for this woman. Even if I did, it couldn’t ever lead anywhere. I couldn’t exactly hook up with Olivia, could I? She was here all the time, under my employ; having sex with her would probably feel very good for a moment but would end up feeling terrible when everything got ridiculously complicated. Justine would never forgive me if I screwed this up. I had to behave for her.
I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my body before staggering back into the bedroom. I still felt like shit, there wasn’t any denying that, but I would be at Justine’s therapy session tonight whether or not it killed me. I wanted to know what was going on with my daughter and how she really felt, but I also wanted to prove Olivia wrong as well. I needed her to see that I wasn’t the neglectful asshole that she assumed me to be.
I paced the room for only a couple of seconds before collapsing onto the bed as the weariness claimed me all over again. It wasn’t going to be easy, today would probably floor me, but I was determined.
I’ll show you, I sneered inside my brain as I glanced towards the door. You’ll soon see. I can be a good father; I can listen and talk, and… I don’t know, do whatever Justine needs me to do. You’ll soon be swallowing your words, Olivi:, just you wait and see.
But soon, since I had no control over my brain at all, the filthy images of Olivia stirred up inside my brain again. I flopped back onto the sheets, lightly stroking my rock-hard cock. It was the hardest thing in the world to not cave to the lustful desire racing through my body, but I would not touch myself over her, I couldn’t. My body was screaming out for me to give in and to just rub already, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t become him.
I flickered my eyes shut, trying to shut out the images more, but they only came harder and faster over me. I saw her writhing and bucking, screaming and yelling, coming hard over me, and it became impossible. My hand took control for me, and I became everything that I hated. I was the man wanking over the nanny like a fucking sad case; it was pathetic. But it felt so fucking good. It sent my head spinning and my heart racing.
I am in trouble, I thought to myself knowingly. Serious trouble.
Chapter Fourteen
Olivia
Thursday
It had been weird; the last few days had been strange, to say the least. I didn’t know what to do about it. Ever since Mark and I had that argument, there had been a new atmosphere between us, in the whole apartment actually, and it didn’t show any sign of subsiding. I found it very stifling; I could hardly breathe.
I stirred under the sheets, feeling achy and restless after yet another night of hardly any sleep. The bed could hardly be blamed, it was so soft and comfortable, it was the situation. Weirdly, I was getting what I wanted. Mark had certainly been showing much more interest in his daughter than before, even coming to the therapy session with her, but I didn’t feel good about it. Even when they came back from Susan’s office actually talking to one another in something that almost resembled sentences, I didn’t feel good about it. It felt… off.
Maybe it was because it all happened too quickly; they went from not talking at all to having actual conversations, and it felt like there was a speed bump up and coming. Or perhaps it was because now I felt left out. When we ate together, I felt like a third wheel; when they talked and laughed it was like they were sharing a private joke and I wasn’t a part of it, and I guess childishly, I was feeling left out. Like I no longer matter. I couldn’t help feel that if Mark was going to continue working from home and things were progressing so well with Justine, that I wasn’t goin
g to be needed anymore. I had a horrible feeling that I would be fired.
I stared out my bedroom window at the glimpse of New York that I could see from where I was, yearning painfully. I didn’t want to give up this amazing city. I wasn’t ready to leave my dream home; I loved it here. I might be being paid well for this position, but I didn’t have enough cash to get my own place, and without another job, no one would rent to me. The house back at home hadn’t sold yet so if I lost this position, I would end up back there, frantically applying for other jobs. And who would want me once I’d been fired once? No one.
I groaned loudly and gripped my forehead, trying to ward off the ache that raced through my skull. I needed to get myself together, to keep being strong, to push on until I found out one way or another. There was no guarantee that I was going to be fired and I didn’t want to make that decision for Mark. If he was on the fence, then I didn’t want to push him over the edge. I had to keep being a good employee for as long as possible.
I huffed and pushed myself into a standing position, shaking off the restlessness as much as I could. It wasn’t in the job description, but I’d taken to making breakfast every morning and I didn’t want to break routine. I chucked an oversized tee shirt on over my body, covering myself up like I always preferred to before I took a shower, and I made my way into the kitchen. Now that I thought about it, my dress sense had changed since a bit since I left Virginia, but it was still a lot more modest than most people. I covered up as much as I could. I suppose I would always be that way. My version of sexy was nothing like other people’s. I was too conservative, I guess.
Not that I was trying to be sexy because that would just be weird. I was a nanny, not a model, or something else where I needed to look anything other than casual smart. Who would I even look good for?
I brought the stove to life and started to make pancakes for a nice change. The omelets always went down well, but I needed something sweet to tickle my taste buds. I needed something to perk me up and lighten my day.
“Ooh, something smells good.” My eyes snapped up as I heard Mark wandering into the kitchen with his sleepy daughter not too far behind him. “What are you making today? Because I am starving.”
I forced a smile on my face; I didn’t want him to sense that there was anything wrong at all. “Yeah, I’m making pancakes. I hope that’s okay with everyone? I’m sure there’s some syrup somewhere.” I pulled open the cupboards and dug through until I found some. “Oh, and I can make some bacon too, if you’d like?”
Both Justine and Mark made agreeable noises, so I got to it. I made my breakfast separately so I didn’t have to sit down with them while they ate. It was much easier for me to keep busy than to sit with them and watch them looking at me like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Not that they really did that, but my paranoia made me feel that way. It had me packing my bags already and heading towards the airport to fly home.
It showed how much I hadn’t settled in, the way that I couldn’t think of New York as home.
Once Justine and Mark had eaten and they both retreated to their bedrooms, I took a seat at the dining room table sad and alone, and I slowly chewed my food. I felt numb and empty as I tried to prepare myself for another day of tiptoeing around Mark. He seemed so much better now; why wasn’t he at the office? Work was what he loved more than anything else in the world; a few short days weren’t going to change that, so what had changed?
“I’m ready for school!” Justine called out to no one in particular. “I’m going now.”
She didn’t even ask me to take the elevator with her, she simply skipped off, which felt like a snub. Through the little bits and pieces that I got from her, things seemed to be much better in school these days. One of the girls who she used to have some trouble with had decided to be her friend, which sounded a little bit dodgy to me, but now she simply didn’t need me. I had to be on my way out; that was the only explanation.
As I watched her walk away, I was saddened. I wondered if she would even miss me if I left. Would she even notice me gone or would she simply get on with her life? Maybe to her, I would just be another woman who came and left, but to me, I would never forget this family. And not just because they were my first job.
“Right…” All of a sudden, Mark burst out of his room dressed in a suit. “I’m off too.”
“Oh.” I rose up, my eyes almost bugging out of my head. He was going to work! I couldn’t believe it. All of the fears and worries that things had taken a dramatic downturn now didn’t seem to mean anything. “I see.”
“I don’t know what time I’ll be back.” Mark had a genuinely happy look on his face which was strange. He looked kind of handsome actually. “The whole place is sure to have fallen apart without me. But I’ll try and let you know.” He stared at his cell phone screen as if it was absolutely fascinating. “I’ll message you.”
“Through the calendar?” I’d almost forgotten about the schedule. Justine’s was ingrained in my memory now, so I barely looked at it, but if Mark was going to be out of the apartment all the time, I would have to familiarize myself with it all over again. I could barely even recall where I had it stored on my phone.
“No, not through the calendar. It’s easier for me to just text you, isn’t it?”
Those words stunned me into silence, that was Mark offering to make my life easier for me. If I followed the schedule, then he didn’t have to put any effort in, but if he actually had to take the time out to text me, then he was thinking of me. I didn’t know how to process him thinking about me; it was strange.
“Oh right, sure,” I replied numbly. “That sounds great, thank you.”
Mark smiled and grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl. As he took a big bite out of it, I realized that his appetite was sure as hell back. Thank God, since I couldn’t have him around for much longer. If he stayed home for another day, I had no idea what was going to happen. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be good. His teeth dazzled me, and I got that weird feeling in my chest again. It had to be because I’d only seen him slobbing around recently in his sweatpants, looking close to death, so this reminder that he was good-looking stunned me.
Mark moved closer to me with his eyes fixed on mine. I felt locked in by the magnetic pull between us; I couldn’t drag my gaze off his however much I wanted to. My heart hammered in my chest, I sucked in and held a panicked breath, everything around us slowed down into a weird slow-mo. mode. I couldn’t cope.
“What are you…?” I asked quietly as he got close enough to touch me.
“Just… grabbing my lunch.” He leaned across from me and grabbed the brown paper bag.
I nodded gratefully, glad that this was something normal happening rather than something I needed to freak out about, but somehow the realization didn’t change the atmosphere. It felt thick and heady around me, my brain was swimming with lust, a burning hot desire trickled rapidly through my veins. I gulped the golf ball of emotion down and looked up at him through my eyelashes. The look he gave me back was intense; it sent me wild. I could feel it burning through me, staring into my core, electricity fizzing all over me.
Then, I wasn’t sure what happened; it seemed to come from nowhere. His lips had crashed into mine and all of a sudden, we were kissing. Real kissing, like there was no tomorrow. I could have reacted, there was something in the rational side of my brain telling me to scream and run away, but the sensations inside my body dulled those thoughts completely. They were there, I was aware of them, but they didn’t affect me one bit.
As we kissed, it felt like my whole body had been lit on fire. I’d been switched off for far too long, and Mark’s lips had brought the dragon of desire back to life inside of me. It felt utterly incredible. It was such a phenomenal feeling that I didn’t even care about how dumb this was.
At least not until we fell apart and my boiling hot body became encased in a freezing cold bubble of shame.
“I’m sorry,” Mark mumbled with flaming cheeks. He could
n’t even look me in the eye as he fell towards the elevator, moving faster than I’d ever seen him go before. “I have to go. I have to get to work.”
“Oh, right.” I touched my buzzing lips. “Sure, yeah, you go…”
As he left, I fell back against the wall in shock. What a stupid way for me to lose my job; the kissing him was even worse than the argument we had. He might have instigated it, but it would be me who ended up losing everything. I stared hopelessly at where he had just gone, hating myself just that little bit more.
What do I do now? I asked myself desperately. How the fuck am I going to fix this?
Chapter Fifteen
Mark
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I kept my head bowed low as I stalked through the office, but it still felt like all eyes were upon me. I could feel prickles racing over my neck like I was a fucking animal on display in the zoo. Of course, if I could think rationally at all, I would know that any eyes staring at me were only there because I had been away for a while and they wanted to know how I was… but I couldn’t think rationally. I had the knowledge that I had just acted like a crazy person swirling through my brain. I had taken my fantasies one step too far.
“Ah, Mark!” Holden called out the moment that he saw me. “You’re back! I didn’t know you were coming…”
I slammed into his office and closed the door rapidly behind me. This was the sort of dumb shit that I should have definitely kept to myself, but it was rolling on the edge of my tongue, desperate to come out. It was bubbling; I couldn’t keep it in even if I wanted to. If I was in a police investigation room, I’d give up the goods in an instant.
“I kissed the nanny,” I exploded, like a bullet flying past my lips. “I… I… yeah.”
“Holy shit.” Holden’s face turned a funny shade of white. “You did what? Kissed the nanny? Seriously!”
Okay, I felt bad before, but now with that look on Holden’s face, I felt even worse. He was silently judging me, looking at me like I had lost my freaking mind, which made me want to vomit like crazy.