by Alexa Davis
“Yeah, I don’t know what happened. One minute, we were just talking and it was all normal, and the next…”
Ah God, the memory of her lips was too much. She was a better kisser than I even pictured she would be. In all of my increasing fantasies of her, she felt good to kiss, but the reality was even more intense. She was all soft and needy, passionate and sweet, like a wet dream and a romantic fantasy all at once.
“How drunk were you?” Holden raked his hands through his hair. “You might be able to get through it.”
“No, you don’t understand. This wasn’t a drunken thing. It happened this morning. I just kissed her.”
Holden could almost see all the things that I wasn’t saying. The cogs in his brain were ticking, and he could see that this meant something. There had been women since Michelle, flings and liaisons, I’d done some kissing, but none of it was like this. And it wasn’t just because Olivia was the nanny. It was because I liked her a lot.
“This is just… an itch that wants to be scratched.” Holden did what he could to devalue it. “She’s just someone that you have the hots for, that’s all. But if Justine likes her, then you’re stuck, aren’t you? You can’t go around kissing Olivia because it’ll only get complicated. And I mean, way complicated. It’ll be hard.”
I knew that he was right; kissing Olivia would be challenging for all of us. I needed to get away from that thought and never do anything like it ever again. Olivia was the nanny and definitely out of bounds.
“Yeah, so I should just tell her that we can’t ever kiss again… that’ll be a fun conversation.”
“Hmm, yeah. Or it might be easier to just not say anything at all.” I gave Holden a look. Was he serious? “I know it sounds a bit dickish, but if you don’t want to talk about it, then chances are she doesn’t either. What’s the point of making you both uncomfortable by talking just to end things? Pretend it never happened!”
Urgh, it sounded like he was being childish, but at the same time, the words coming out of Holden’s mouth made sense. If Olivia and I just ignored it, maybe it would go away and we could act as normal. Yes, there was a spark between us, I was certain that we both felt that, but we didn’t need to do anything about it.
“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I murmured. “Anyway, I need to just forget about that now. I’m here to work.”
“Yeah.” Holden patted me on the back. “That’s probably for the best, buddy. Work needs you, right now.”
“And I need work,” I murmured back, barely paying attention. “Anything to focus on. Now, tell me about what’s been going on. How did the investment meetings you had last week go?”
“Oh right, yeah, great.” Holden snapped back into work mode, which I needed him to do.
I tried to throw myself into the latest update that Holden gave me, but my mind kept darting off in different directions. Olivia kept creeping into my thoughts even if I didn’t want her that. She looked bewildered by the kiss, but not in a way that suggested she didn’t enjoy it. I got the feeling that the emotions had been flooding her for a long time too and it all just exploded in one random moment. If we could just move past it and promise ourselves that it wouldn’t happen again, then it would be fine. There wasn’t anything to worry about. We could just go about our business as professional as we did before. She would be the nanny and I would be her boss. Simple. As easy as breathing. Honestly.
I flung my head forward into my hands and sighed loudly. Work was going to drag on if I couldn’t shake off Olivia. I needed to get rid of her somehow. Maybe the thing I really needed to do was flirt with someone else. I didn’t ever go out looking for sex but tonight I might have to change that. I needed a palate cleanser. Someone to drive into to get rid of thoughts of the nanny. That shouldn’t be too hard…
***
I left the office earlier than I would have done normally because I just couldn’t focus. Holden understood, or at least he didn’t give me shit about barely being there. He gave me one teasing comment as I walked out the door, but that was it. He could see that Olivia had gotten under my skin and he felt bad for me.
I got into the car and drove almost aimlessly away from the office. I was barely even thinking, just moving on autopilot, but somehow, I managed to end up outside of a building that I knew well. Justine’s school. The kids were all playing in the playground, laughing and screaming like they were having the most fun in the world. I pulled up the car and watched the kids playing, my heart aching for my daughter. Justine wasn’t like that; she hadn’t ever really been like that. I suppose because her mother died at such a young age, she hadn’t ever learned the best way to socialize. I couldn’t see her running about freely. Knowing Justine, she was probably in some dark and shady corner somewhere sulking. Just because things had been a little bit better between us recently, it didn’t mean that she was cured. She always had that really sad look behind her eyes that broke me.
This is why I have to keep away from Olivia, I reminded myself. To help her spread her wings.
There was some girl now, I overheard her telling Olivia that she felt like she had a friend, but I wanted to be there for my daughter in case that all fell apart. Only, I wasn’t the person that she wanted to talk to. She needed Olivia to discuss these things with and I couldn’t be the one to ruin that for her. If she had someone that she felt comfortable enough to talk to then I couldn’t be the one to wreck things. I had to take a step back, control myself. I could do that, couldn’t I? I wasn’t a freaking animal… even if kissing her felt that way.
My God, that kiss. That fucking kiss. Why couldn’t it have been terrible so I didn’t yearn for her now? Why didn’t the chemistry fizzle out to nothing so I wouldn’t have to worry? It was going to be so hard to ignore it. The uncomfortable atmosphere around me and Olivia would only get worse. I needed to stop fantasizing about her; that was half the problem. It made it seem like not too big an overstep of the boundary. If I could just stop thinking about her in any kind of sexual way then we wouldn’t have anything to worry about.
I sighed and put the car into gear again, driving until I reached another familiar location. An old man bar that was always awesome for a quiet drink alone. I wasn’t ready to go back yet; I couldn’t face Olivia. Maybe I wouldn’t even see her today. I’d get back too late when she was already asleep to make it easier. That might have been the coward’s way out, but right now I wanted to be the freaking coward. I parked my car and went inside, rolling my shoulders forwards and hanging my head low. I didn’t want to make eye contact with anyone. I just wanted to sink back a beer while I tried to work out my next move.
“Larger, please,” I said to the bar maid in a glum tone of voice. “Whatever you have on tap.”
“Sure, handsome.” I only dragged my eyes up and stared at her as she practically purred at me. “I’m Rose.”
“Yeah, Mark.” Was this really happening? Was she flirting with me? I couldn’t believe it; things never usually happened that quickly. I always had to put in some work. Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling me that I needed to move on. And not just from Olivia, but properly from Michelle as well. I hadn’t bothered to try, but now it was probably time. The fact that my heart had opened a little to Olivia was a sign.
“So, Mark.” Rose leaned forward. Her tongue ran along her mouth, wetting it in a way that was very appealing to me. Rose was a raven-haired beauty with a nice round set of tits that would have me happy and satisfied for a very long time. Or at least until I got over Olivia. “What brings you here?”
“Urgh, you do not want to know.” Her breasts were almost in my face. I felt a stirring in my pants… it wasn’t quite as intense as when I was thinking about Olivia, but I didn’t want to focus on that part.
“You tell me whatever you want to.” Her voice was so quiet that she was nearly whispering. I could feel her breath tickling me all over. “And if you want some more privacy, we have a great back room.”
I leaned back, looking at her c
uriously. I wasn’t too sure about that, I didn’t know if I would take her up on that offer, but it was nice to have the chance there. It proved that I still had it. I could go in the back and screw Rose if I wanted to, or I could stay here and talk to her for a while, slowly building up feelings as I did. We could laugh, share jokes, slowly get to know one another and eventually go on a date. Natural progression.
She isn’t Olivia, my brain unhelpfully told me as if I needed to know that. She’ll never be Olivia.
But I ignored it. I didn’t want to hear it. Of course, she wasn’t Olivia, but that was what I needed. I couldn’t go anywhere near the nanny ever again. She was completely out of bounds. No, Rose was a far better option. She was here and available, linked to no one…
Chapter Sixteen
Olivia
Friday
Just act normally, I warned myself with my eyes fixed low. Don’t even acknowledge him at all.
That barely made any difference to the storm brewing inside. I couldn’t control my emotions at all. Knowing that Mark was standing across from me in the kitchen sipping coffee almost killed me. Since he made a point of not coming back until very late last night and the entire place stank of booze when he came in (I knew because I crept out of my room when I heard him stagger through at God knows what time, and that hurt), he clearly didn’t want to talk about it. And I had to assume that this pointed radio silence was going to be the way that we dealt with it. We were never going to discuss the kiss; it was as if it had never happened…
I wasn’t sure that I could do that; the kiss was something else. It blew my mind, and I had a funny feeling from his star struck expression that he felt the same way afterwards. Fair enough: we couldn’t ever do that again, there was no way we could start some form of relationship, but not talking about it wasn’t going to work either.
“Do you want something to eat?” I asked. I wanted to sound normal but there was a real tremor in my voice.
“Oh, erm, yes please. Thank you.” I wasn’t sure if the croakiness was because of the late night or me.
What if he went out last night? I asked myself. Like out, out. To a bar… with women, where he met someone?
I didn’t want my brain to immediately leap to that conclusion, but it went there regardless. I pictured him hanging out with sexy blondes and brunettes dripping from his arm, giggling at his jokes, blowing kisses at him, running their hands down his body… then I thought about him at home with one of those women, fucking me out of his brain. A nasty snake of bitter jealousy coiled right through my body.
“Right, I’ll make some pancakes then.” I didn’t feel like he deserved my omelet. “Is that okay with you?”
“Sure, sure…” He glanced idly towards Justine’s room. “Shall I get Justine out of bed?”
“You could.” It would be so much better with her here dispelling the atmosphere. “But she doesn’t have anywhere to be today. It’s a teacher training day at her school so she can lie in if she wants.”
I chewed down on my bottom lip, wondering if he knew this already. I never told him specifically, but it was on the schedule and since he had a much better relationship with Justine, she might have told him.
“Oh, I see.” Nope, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “So, do you have any plans for the day?”
“Yeah, we’re going to the Natural History Museum. Justine told me she wants to go.”
He nodded slowly, taking this in. For a horrible moment, I wondered if he was going to offer to take the day off work to spend it with us. I could not have this hanging over my head all day long. I was jittery as hell anyway. I couldn’t have these buzzing nerves coursing through my veins all day long. It’d utterly destroy me.
“Oh, right, well that sounds nice.” I breathed out a sigh of relief. “I’m sure she’ll love that.”
He moved over to the sink to clean out his mug, passing me along the way. He didn’t even get close enough to brush past me, but I could feel him all over me. Butterfliers flapped so violently all over my body it was as if he’d grabbed me tight and held me to him. I could almost feel the warmth of him everywhere.
“Morning!” Luckily, at that moment, Justine burst in. “Hello, Dad.”
Mark turned on his stool to look right at her. I tried to focus on the cooking rather than them, but my eyes kept darting towards them both anyway. “Morning, sweetheart. I hear you have a day off school today.”
“I do, but I have some homework that I might need some help with. Math.” She screwed up her nose.
“Oh, I’m great with numbers. I can help you with that. But if you’re going out today, it might be better to wait. We can always do it tonight, can’t we? And we have the whole weekend if we miss out on the chance.”
Justine nodded and smiled. There was still a little awkwardness between them, but their relationship had grown by leaps and bounds. I was proud of him for that. I hoped that some of my words had gotten through to him and that his changes would be permanent. Surely, he could see how happy his daughter was.
I made them both their omelets and I placed their plates down in front of them. I wanted to avoid sitting with them because I felt even weirder than I did usually, but Justine couldn’t sense that.
“Why aren’t you sitting down?” she asked with a little chuckle. “Come on, eat with us for a change.”
I tentatively crashed my butt down on the chair opposite Mark. Every so often as we chewed, our eyes would automatically meet one another’s. It jolted shock through me every time, and I dragged my gaze away. This wasn’t going to be easy; there was something different between us now that hadn’t been there before. It used to be strange, there was always something buzzing under the surface, but now we knew. There was intense chemistry there that shook us both to the core. That kiss was unforgettable. His eyes sent desire racing through me.
“Right,” Mark finally said in a gravelly voice. “I better get to the office. Work awaits.”
I could barely look at him as he grabbed his briefcase and he headed towards the elevator. I knew exactly where he was anyway; my body was acutely aware of everything that he did. I didn’t need to see him.
“Bye, Dad!” Justine called out, blissfully unaware. “I’ll get you a gift from the museum shop.”
Once he was finally gone, I let out a breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. I felt everything inside of me sag with relief. Thank God, I knew that he said he would be back early to help Justine with her homework, but maybe I wouldn’t have much to see him. I could just hide away in my room for it all. I was going to have to do a lot more of that if I wanted to survive this. Hiding away, keeping away from Mark.
“Right.” I brought the biggest smile that I could onto my face. “Shall we go?”
Justine shook her head, but then she ran into her bedroom to get ready. I whistled happily to myself as I cleaned up the dishes. Now that Mark was gone, I was looking forward to today. I hadn’t ever been to the Natural History Museum before, and it was exciting. Anything to see more of New York was fine by me. And I also had a surprise for Justine that I couldn’t wait to show her. I hoped that she was quick because I didn’t want to be late.
“Are you ready, sweetheart?” I called out to Justine. “We better get going in a second.”
At that moment, she flew out of her room in a sparkly dress with a handbag to match. She had better style than me! Nicer clothes as well, but that was what it was. I would have to do with my leggings and oversized tee. It was still an improvement from the way I used to dress back at home. I didn’t ever look quite so… sheeny there. New York agreed with me; my dream coming true looked good on me. I wasn’t ever going to be one of those incredibly beautiful women that grabbed attention on the street, but I looked good enough. I was happy.
“Oh wow, Justine, you look lovely!” She spun around quickly. “Wow, you’re a great dresser.”
I took her hand, and we walked over to the elevator. I was more used to it now, but every now and again
the strangeness of the situation would hit me. I mean, what sort of person had an elevator in their home?
“What do you think we’re going to see today?” Justine asked me curiously. “Will there be animal bones?”
“Erm, probably.” I wasn’t sure myself, but it seemed like a reasonable assumption. “We’ll soon see.”
Excitement built in my chest as the elevator descended downwards. I couldn’t wait for Justine to see what I had planned for her, and as the doors flung open, she nearly squealed with a happy shock. Her hands clapped to her mouth, and she bounced up and down like a crazy person, which made me so, so happy.
“Mrs. Stedman!” Their friendship was so adorable; I loved it. It was unlikely, the slightly cranky older woman and the troubled young girl shouldn’t be friends, but there was something between them that just clicked. I couldn’t explain it, but I didn’t want to. It worked, and that was all that mattered. “Are you coming with us?”
Mrs. Stedman ruffled her hair. “Yes, I sure am. I haven’t ever been before so it should be fun.”
“I haven’t either! It should be really good.”
As Justine slipped her hand into Mrs. Stedman’s, I had a feeling that I wouldn’t get much of a look in, but I didn’t mind that. As long as we all had a good day, that was all that mattered to me.
***
“She’s a lovely girl, isn’t she?” Mrs. Stedman commented as we sat down to lunch. “Very friendly. I never thought it before. I used to see her around the building and think that she was frowny.”
We looked over to where Justine was currently getting herself a little glass of orange juice and smiled. She had shiny eyes; the day had been wonderful for her, and it made me want to do more things like this for her.
“I don’t know about that.” I offered a one-shouldered shrug. “She wasn’t angry for long with me.”
“No, you’ve changed her.” Mrs. Stedman cocked her head and looked at me curiously. “Your presence has been very good for her. You’re a wonderful influence in her life. She’s lucky to have you.”