by Alexa Davis
“Oh, well, work has kept me busy.” I shrugged in a blasé manner, and I scanned my eyes over the food in the cupboard. “But I’ve been thinking about the cakes in here. They’re so good; you must have an amazing baker.”
“Just the cupcakes?” Benji asked while leaning forwards. My breath got stuck in my throat as I realized that he had stepped up the flirting game. I really wanted to flirt for the practice; it had been such a long time for me, but I couldn’t. Benji was far too lovely to be messed around by me. Maybe this would have to be my last visit here. Much as the cakes tasted awesome, there were plenty of other places to get food.
“Ooh yeah. It’s that cream frosting,” I chuckled. “It keeps me up at night.”
I pointed to one of the cakes and watched while Benji bagged it up. What I really wanted him to do was ask me to hang out with him as a friend. Maybe to go to a night out with him and his buddies so I could get to know some more people. But of course, that wasn’t going to happen. There was no way Benji would ask that. It would be weird; it just didn’t happen in real life. I guess it would have to be another day of loneliness…
Once I left the bakery, I walked back to the apartment slowly, encased in an intense sense of sadness. I couldn’t seem to shake the funk off however hard I tried. I kept trying to remind myself of all the good things about being here, and there were many, but the kiss had put things in perspective. That silly, spur of the moment thing with Mark had crushed me because it complicated things and it made me see that the only person who I had a real connection with was completely out of bounds. I needed to find someone else for a distraction.
To make things worse, it wasn’t even Lincoln at the welcome desk at the apartment building when I got inside. It seemed that we shared a day off, so I didn’t even have him to speak to. The other guy who covered his days off barely even looked up from his newspaper to acknowledge me. I felt incredibly invisible. Then, when I got inside the apartment, I found that even Rosa had left so I couldn’t even talk to her. I was very much alone.
I sighed loudly and padded into my bedroom to find something to activate my mind. I wanted a book or a magazine or something, but instead, I found my yoga mat. That had come in the stuff I got boxed up from my home and I hadn’t yet unpacked, which gave me an idea. Someone once suggested to me that I try yoga to deal with the stress of taking care of my sick parents and I found that it worked. It wasn’t something I’d done in a while, so I didn’t know how flexible I was these days, but if there was ever a time to try it out, that was now.
I chucked some baggier clothing on, grabbed the yoga mat and took it out into the living room where I could do a work out with some more space. Feeling good about myself for doing something positive, I laid the mat out and got into a pose. I couldn’t really remember the exact poses, my brain was rusty, but I had a good go…
“Hello!” Oh, crap! I stopped attempting yoga the moment that I heard Justine’s voice. I wasn’t alone anymore. I tried to straighten up, to look like I wasn’t doing anything, but I wasn’t sure I pulled it off. My panting and red face didn’t help. “Oh, Olivia, The Lion King was awesome. I’ll have to tell you all about it. Come to dinner with us.
“Oh, erm…” I glanced up at Mark who nodded easily as if he didn’t mind either way. To be honest, I couldn’t be alone any longer; even with the yoga, it was driving me insane. Even the thought of spending the night in the strangeness surrounding Mark and me didn’t put me off. “You know what? That sounds awesome. Thank you for inviting me. I’ll go and get dressed now.”
Chapter Nineteen
Mark
Sunday
Get out of bed, you coward, I told myself angrily. You’re going to have to face her sooner or later.
It was getting worse. Every single time I tried to move on from Olivia, something else happened to drag me right back in. I mean, the first thing was definitely the yoga outfit: that was too much. As Justine and I walked in from watching the show, I nearly came in my pants with shock. The clothing was baggy, not provocative at all, but it instantly made my mouth salivate desperately with need. As she stood in what I assume was some yoga position, I nearly tore those clothes off and took her right there and then.
If only Justine hadn’t been there… although it was good that she was. That was so much better.
Then we went out to dinner, to some pizza place nearby because Justine didn’t want to eat ‘rich people food.’ I couldn’t even work out where that comment came from, what it could possibly mean, and why she said it. What was wrong with having money? Why was that so problematic all of a sudden? I worked hard to get what we could afford, so why not spend it wisely? Was it something that Olivia commented upon? Did I have to worry about that now too? I didn’t want to be judged negatively because I didn’t think that I was a bad person at all.
In the pizza place, I couldn’t get away from Olivia, however hard I tried. The tables were tiny, the booth seats were crushed, my body spent most of the evening pressed up against hers. I was like a dirty old pervert getting sexual feelings for a woman a decade or so younger than me. The fucking nanny. It was such a messy situation.
I dreamed of Olivia all night long. She refused to leave my brain the entire time. Sometimes she was naked, riding me like there was no tomorrow, writhing and bouncing, satisfying me amazingly. The other times, she was just sitting there next to me, smiling and holding my hand, giggling at me as I said something very funny to her. I wasn’t sure what image I liked better; they were both amazing in their own ways.
I’m not supposed to be liking her at all! I turned onto my front and pressed my face into the pillow to let out a little scream. Professional, why can’t I just remain professional? What the hell is wrong with me?
I thought of Holden in Australia, wishing that I was there with him. If I had an ocean between Olivia and me then I wouldn’t be able to think about Olivia at all. I’d be surrounded by hot Ozzie babes who were more than up for fun. That was where I should have been: focusing on business. Yes, Justine needed me, but not so much that I had to give up everything else. I always worked. She would understand if I had to go places.
But then again, The Lion King was fun; it was amazing to see Justine’s face as she watched it. If I hadn’t taken the time off, then I wouldn’t have ever experienced that. It would have been a huge loss.
I could hear Olivia in the kitchen now, banging about as she cooked breakfast as always, and a murmur of conversation every so often that suggested she wasn’t alone. Justine was out there; it should have been easy to get out there myself since I wouldn’t have to face her by myself, but still, something had me stalling.
I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and scrolled through my emails. I had some from Holden keeping me up to date on what he was doing while out in Australia, but I couldn’t force myself to reply because I was so annoyed at myself. People kept telling me that putting work first was a bad idea and that I’d end up regretting it, but I found myself feeling the other way. Staying here, near Olivia, that was what I felt regret for.
I couldn’t be in the same room as her without wanting to touch her. I loved the crazy fluttering that consumed me every time we brushed against one other; I enjoyed the way that my pulse rate sped up, and I felt a little light headed. It wasn’t right; there was something wrong with me. I honestly felt like I was a terrible person.
Maybe just one night would do the trick, the devil on my shoulder whispered cheekily into my ear. One night getting it all out of your system, then you could go back to normal, as if nothing ever happened…
“Nope,” I muttered to myself while pushing up into a sitting position. I couldn’t listen to that; my inner voice would only lead me into trouble where I really didn’t need it. “Stop being an idiot.”
With a tentative step, I finally made my way to the bedroom door, and I braved shoving it open. I held my breath as I peeked around the door, unsure of what I was about to face, but I didn’t get the immediate prickling se
nsation of eyes all over me. Justine and Olivia were so involved in their own conversation that I wasn’t noticed one bit. If it wasn’t for the smell of breakfast pancakes, which had seemingly overtaken the omelets, not that I minded, I might have retreated back to my room to hide away for a little while longer.
“Morning, Dad!” Justine called out happily as she finally heard me. “You okay?”
Olivia poured me a cup of coffee from the pot and she slid it across to me, knowing that I needed it before I could function properly. The little things that she noticed without me needing to tell her meant a lot.
“Hmm, yeah, I’m good,” I replied gravelly. “How are you feeling today?”
“I’m excited!” She bounced up and down in her chair. “Today is going to be amazing.”
“It is?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well that’s good news. Two awesome days in a row. What are your plans?” I wondered if this might be something I could get involved in… only for Justine, of course.
“We are going to have a tea party!” Hmm, that sounded like a much less appealing idea than Justine was selling it as, but I supposed for her I would join in… “With Mrs. Stedman, you know, from downstairs.”
A grimace spread across my face as if I’d lost all control of my features. That was an idea I didn’t want anything to do with. Before Olivia came along, I had a good thing going where I didn’t know any of my neighbors at all. I barely even recognized their faces, in true New York fashion. This wasn’t small town America; this was a big, dangerous city where it didn’t do anyone any favors to get to know anyone. We all pointedly ignored one another, and that was how it was. A silent understanding between everyone who grew up in the city.
Now, Olivia kept inviting people up to my apartment and looking at me like I was the bad guy because I didn’t know them. I had zero interest in getting to know the cranky older woman and I couldn’t see that changing.
“Oh, well, you three have fun.” I rolled my eyes at Justine. “I have work to do, unfortunately.”
Justine pouted out her bottom lip, but only for a second. Then she rapidly turned her head away from me and continued to talk to Olivia. “Do we need anything for the tea party? Shall we go and get some cupcakes?”
Olivia’s cheeks definitely reddened when she heard the word ‘cupcakes,’ and hat intrigued me. I noticed a wrapping bag from the bakery down the street yesterday, which I ignored at the time, but now I couldn’t help wondering what it meant. Was there someone at the cupcake shop? Someone she was attracted to? Maybe she even had a date! I hadn’t seen her socializing with anyone, but this was the age of Internet dating. No one even needed to leave their home to find the love of their life. Was that what had happened here?
A tight sickly knot of jealousy coiled up in my stomach at the idea of that. It was a pointless emotion; Olivia was free to do whatever she wanted, and it was me who initialized the kiss after all. Yes, she responded, but maybe that was a shock thing. And we’d both avoided one another since that moment making it perfectly clear that it wasn’t ever going to happen again, so why shouldn’t she go on some date? Just because I had hopeless feelings for her, it didn’t mean she had to feel the same way. In fact, it was much better that she didn’t.
“We should make some cakes,” I heard Olivia say, but her words did nothing to dull the intense burning within me. It raged like a wildfire, out of control. “That’ll be nice. I’m sure Mrs. Stedman would refer homemade.”
Maybe that should’ve made me feel better, but it didn’t. Now all I could see was Olivia being charmed by some idiot who didn’t deserve her, some young man who would only break her heart. I squeezed my fists by my side trying to remind myself that it wasn’t any of my business; it wasn’t like she had a spot reserved in my bed, but it couldn’t be helped. I didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t want Olivia to belong to anyone else.
Unless you’re going to make her yours, then it doesn’t exactly matter who she belongs to, does it?
“I’m erm… I’m going to my office to work.” I pointed behind me, planning my escape route. “You can always come and get me if you need me, but since it sounds like you have a fun day ahead of you, I’m sure you won’t.”
“Erm, sure…” Justine and Olivia gave me matching odd looks. “See you later on.”
I closed my eyes as I walked into my home study without even bothering to get changed, cursing myself for being such an idiot. I wasn’t exactly being discrete about my feelings for Olivia, was I? Getting a temper because it was clear that she had feelings for someone else. At this rate, I would find myself sued for sexual harassment. Well, I would unless I just went for it, as the devil kept reminding me. I kept thinking about what it would be like if I just grabbed her around the waist and I took things much further than a kiss this time. Unless I slowly stripped her down and I sent her body to heaven and back…
I slumped into my desk chair and let my head fall into my hands. I was trapped in here all day long now, avoiding Olivia and Justine like the plague, but I couldn’t imagine me getting any real work done, not with my mind spinning like crazy. Holden’s advice kept worming its way through my thoughts, and I knew that I should listen to him, but knowing that and acting on it were two very different things. I kept trying to do what he’d told me, but since we lived under the same roof, it was damn near impossible to follow through.
I glanced to the side, seeing a picture of Michelle out the corner of my eye. I wondered what she’d think of me if she could see me right now. Would she be calling me a foolish older man with a crush on a younger, unattainable woman, or would she scream at me to get off my ass and just go for it? I wasn’t sure, and as my head and heart battled it out, I didn’t have a clue which side of me would end up winning.
Chapter Twenty
Olivia
“Thank you so much for coming, Mrs. Stedman,” I said with a large smile as I walked her towards the elevator. “Honestly, having you here is so great for Justine; she adores you so much.”
We really did have fun. I thought it would be awkward with Mark in the other room trying to work; I felt certain that our laughter and loud chatter would eventually get on his nerves and he’d come to yell at us, but during the hours that we had Mrs. Stedman around, we had only seen him the one time as he headed to the bathroom. Even then, he didn’t acknowledge us for longer than a one-handed wave; he seemed to be fine.
“Oh, pish,” Mrs. Stedman replied. “She’s a great kid, I like spending time with her. She makes me laugh.”
“Well, you’ve sent her to sleep, which I’m really grateful for.” I glanced at Justine’s sleeping body on the couch. “Now I just need to carry her to bed rather than argue with her that it’s time to go.”
Mrs. Stedman yawned at the sight of Justine. “She’s made me tired as well! Tonight will be a good sleep.”
Eventually, I hugged her goodbye and I sent her on her way. Once Mrs. Stedman was gone, I scooped Justine up carefully in my arms and I walked her to her bed. She stirred a little, especially when I crashed her down on her sheets because by that point she had become a little heavy for me, but she didn’t wake up.
It has to be the sugarless cupcakes, I thought to myself. That’s why she isn’t up still
They didn’t taste any different either, not really, which was a good thing. Any excuse not to head back to the bakery was good enough for me. Benji was lovely, but the more time I spent around Mark, the more I realized that I needed that spark. Now that I’d felt it, I had to have it. It was addictive, intoxicating, utterly all consuming.
I made sure that Justine was fully settled before I headed into the kitchen to clean up after us. As I washed the plates and straightened everything up, it hit me that Mark hadn’t eaten anything. Feeling guilty because that was probably my fault, I whipped him up a cold-cut sandwich to make sure that he had at least some sustenance. It wasn’t amazing, but it would surely be better than nothing. He could also eat it as he worked.
With the plate
balanced in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other, I made my way towards Mark’s office. I felt a little jittery as I went, my nerves coiled through me, almost getting the better of me, but I kept on going. It seemed that without even talking about it, Mark and I had come to some agreement where we would just act like nothing happened. Just because this was the first time we would be really alone without any threat of being disturbed, it didn’t change things. I could keep on being as professional as I needed to be…
“Hello?” I said quietly as I knocked on his closed office door. “Mark?”
I heard something, it sounded a little bit like a grunt from the other side so I took that as an answer and I pushed it open. Mark had his head resting on his desk, almost like he was sleeping, but his eyes peered up at me.
“I brought you something to eat,” I said with a hopeful smile. “I thought that you might be hungry…”
My words trailed off as I saw a look in Mark’s eye. He appeared hungry, but not for what I had in my hand. His eyes raked up and down my body, I could almost see him salivating as he did, which stripped the breath away from me, never mind the words. Our eyes were locked upon one another; we were stuck in a bubble where nothing else mattered. He wasn’t my boss and I wasn’t his employee anymore. We were just two people in deep lust.
The last time he gave me a look like this, it led to us kissing. If I allowed it to continue, I didn’t know where it would lead. As Mark took one step towards me, I screamed at myself to back off, but that didn’t quite happen.
“What… what are you doing?” I stammered, the words shaking as they fell out of my mouth.