by Alexa Davis
Sure, it was the best sex that I’d ever had in my life, my body had been exposed to sensations that it didn’t even know existed, but that wasn’t an excuse to have sex with my boss. God, it was like a Jerry Springer story. Just because his hands felt amazing over my body and his lips were incredible… oh shit, this was ridiculous. I found my hand fanning myself as the heat crept through my body.
I had acted like a naïve small-town girl, and I wasn’t sure that I could stay here now. When I first made the threat that I was going to leave, it was because I felt angry, but maybe it was the best thing for me. I mean, how could we work together now? He would probably fire me anyway, which wouldn’t look good.
I grabbed my laptop and took it into my bedroom with my brain spinning. The best thing for me to do was find somewhere else to work before it got too terrible here. If I looked for a job while employed, that would work out better than waiting until I was fired. Just because Mark and I slept together, it didn’t mean I wanted to give up New York. I wasn’t ready to get back home. Sure, it would be strange to be here working in another house, but I had to look out for number one. I had to ensure that I didn’t lose it all because he didn’t care.
While I waited for my laptop to load, I tossed some of my things into a bag. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I did. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t believe that it had come to this. Not just for Mark and me, we had made our own beds, but Justine was the one who would suffer. I made ways with her, and now that was all about to crumble and fall apart. She was a blameless victim in all of this. At least she would still have Susan, I supposed. Her therapist was as good a constant as any, especially as she was really good with her.
Once my laptop loaded, I glanced through the job listings, focusing only on the ones with single moms. I had tried working with a father and I had seriously fucked up, so I didn’t want to put myself in a position to do that again. Working with women would suit me better, and maybe that would lead to an actual friend. I could dream…
“Hello?” I groaned loudly as I heard Rosa’s voice echoing through the apartment. “You there?”
I wiped the tears away from my eyes and tried to keep the emotion from my voice. “Yeah, I’m here.” I clicked ‘send’ on the final application and I pushed my laptop shut quietly. I forgot the housekeeper was coming today, which put a bit of a kicker into my plan to sneak off unnoticed, but perhaps that was for the best. It would be much more of an adult way to deal with it if I told Mark that I wanted to go anyway. Sneaking off, not saying goodbye to Justine, that wasn’t right. Plus, it would be better to wait to see if I got any response first. If no one wanted me to work for them, then this all fell apart anyway… maybe I could even get a referral.
Yeah, from the man who treated me like I was a piece of meat: that would go down well!
***
“Thank you,” Justine said while smiling sweetly at me. “That snack was lovely. I’m off to do homework.”
I got choked up as I watched her walk off. Actually, saying goodbye wasn’t going to be easy. I thought it might be better, and I suppose it would be for Justine, but for me it was making me sink into a pit of sadness.
I wished that I could stay to see how things worked out for her, but that wasn’t possible now. I’d had people responding to me, others wanted me to work for them, and while I hadn’t yet decided who I was going to choose, my foot was out the door. I was on my way to starting my next phase of being in New York.
At that moment, the elevator doors pinged open, making me jump. I wasn’t expecting anyone home just yet, and certainly not the person looking back at me, his eyes boring into my soul, terrifying me.
“Mark,” I whispered, my whole body going into shock. “What are you doing home now?” I needed more time; I wanted to plan what I needed to say before I told him that I was going. This wasn’t fair; again, he was making things happen on his timeline. Damn it; I needed to take control. “It doesn’t matter; I need to talk to you.”
“Yes.” He nodded slowly, folding his arms across his chest, looking professional and also maybe a little defensive. “I think we do need to talk. Will you meet me in the study?”
I nodded. “Sure. I will. I’ll just go and check on Justine first, then I’ll meet you.”
He went off to his office, leaving me in the living room bewildered. That was weird; I thought he would be a little less… keen to talk. It seemed like he had something to say to me as well, and that scared me. I suppose it didn’t matter since I was going to leave anyway, but I still didn’t like it.
I felt like I was floating on air as I walked towards Justine’s bedroom; my brain was off on another planet, just like it had been all damn day long. I peered in, checked that Justine was in the middle of her work, which she was quite happily doing, then I turned and I slowly made my way towards the office. It was almost as if I was headed towards doom, like I would be thrown overboard, made to walk the plank. This wasn’t the strong and confident manner that I wanted to go into this meeting with. It wasn’t just me that had done wrong! Yes, I had slept with my boss, but he screwed his employee. Both of us were on very shaky ground.
Because of that, I didn’t bother to knock on the door. I walked inside and jutted my chin out. Even if I didn’t feel confident, I wanted to portray that I was so he couldn’t walk all over me.
“Hello.” He gave me a genuine smile, and almost right away I was shocked to see him out of his suit already. Before recently, he never changed into his casual clothes as far as I knew. Maybe at bedtime but that was about it. “Please, take a seat.” I didn’t; I waited where I was and stared at him. “Okay.” He sighed. “Well, I guess I want to start by saying that I’m very sorry. What I said to you this morning was really out of order.”
“Oh.” Admittedly, that threw me. “I see.”
“Please take a seat. What I have to say to you isn’t easy.”
Against my better judgment, I did exactly as he asked and I stared at him expectantly. Sure, I had a lot that I needed to say, but I did want to find out what he had to speak about as well. Curiosity got the better of me.
“It’s been a long time since I lost my wife.” My shoulders hunched up around my ears as he delved into what seemed to be a very private area of his life. This was far more serious than I first realized. “And I haven’t really found anyone that I’m really attracted to since that.” Did that mean me? Oh my God, was he attracted to me? I so desperately wanted him to be. “So, I am very much off my game.”
“Erm, right…” I wanted to be more coherent with my own feelings, but I could barely speak.
“Basically.” He folded his fingers around one another. “I really want you to stay.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head vigorously. “I’ve already made plans to go. This isn’t going to work.”
“Not even if I promise to keep away from you?” Was it just me or did he seem disappointed as he asked that? “I really think Justine needs you and I don’t want my actions to ruin that.”
That softened my crispy outer shell. I didn’t like the idea of leaving Justine, not when we were getting so far, which Mark knew. The thing was, we had a common goal: a girl who needed us both.
“So, you want me to stay, and we just forget this whole thing happened?” I stared intently at him as I watched his face change. “I want to check that we’re on the same page here.”
“Sure.” He nodded. “Yes, I agree, that’s a very good plan.”
“I will stay,” I told him, wondering if I was making a huge mistake. “For a trial, but only as the nanny.”
I stood up to go, my whole body churning as I tried to work out what had just happened between us both. This wasn’t how I intended this to go. But I suppose if I could find a way to make it work then this was the best place for me to be. I hoped.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Mark
Tuesday
I stared at my sleepy reflection in the mirror, wondering who the person was starin
g back at me. The features were the same, I could pick out parts of me that I recognized well, but I didn’t look like me anymore. Something had changed, and I didn’t know how to get me back. Maybe I didn’t even need myself back; I supposed if this situation had taught me anything it was that the person I was before Mom died wasn’t working out for me.
Anyway, I shook my head rapidly, needing to get my thoughts back on track. No time to go back to bed.
I hadn’t slept much anyway, and it was almost time for everyone else to get up so I wanted to do something nice for them. I wanted to make Justine and Olivia breakfast as a surprise. I always left it to Olivia, and now that things had shifted between us, I didn’t see why I couldn’t do some things for a change. Okay, so the meeting that we had yesterday didn’t quite go to plan, but Justine had to come first. If the only way that I could keep Olivia around was to promise to keep my hands to myself, I could do it.
We’ve slept together once, I reminded myself. We got this out of our system. It’s going to be fine.
I crept through the hallway and brought the oven to life, then I set about making an English-style fry up for everyone. As I cooked, I hummed to myself, probably too loudly because it wasn’t long before a sleepy Justine staggered out of her room, rubbing her eyes and looking at me like I had lost my mind.
“What are you doing, Dad?” she asked me with an expression so confused, I almost laughed.
“I’m cooking.” I handed her a spoon. “Do you want to help? The beans need stirring.”
Justine dragged a stool over to the oven and she got to work right away. I continued to hum my song and Justine joined in with me. It wasn’t even a tune really; we were making it up as we went along, but it was funny and made us both laugh. It felt like a real quality moment together, which was nice. I wanted more of these; I yearned for them more often. It wasn’t hard really; I could easily incorporate it into my life if I tried.
“Is there anything else that needs stirring?” Justine demanded. “I’m the best cook ever.”
I gave her a plate. “Why don’t we plate stuff up instead? We want it ready for Olivia when she…”
Justine did exactly as I asked without a second of complaint. This wasn’t the girl who argued everything. She was happy to assist me; she actually wanted to. I was blown away by how good she was being.
“Woah, what’s going on here?” Justine and I were so wrapped up in what we were doing that we didn’t even notice Olivia coming out of her bedroom. She looked all sleepy and disheveled, but utterly adorable as well; she looked fucking wonderful, actually. She almost hurt my heart. “Are you two… cooking? Really?”
“Oh, take a seat,” Justine replied with a grin. “I’ve pretty much got it all ready for you now.”
“Oh, you?” I teased and nudged her hip. Justine laughed loudly at my accusation. “You did it all on your own, huh? Well, that’s just lovely, that is! I suppose I just stood here and did nothing like a useless lump!”
“You said it,” Justine replied with a shrug. “Not me, but yeah, pretty much.”
While Olivia laughed that lilting sound, I felt a familiar jolt of lust race through me. It was hard not to feel that serious desire around Olivia, which was why I didn’t want to agree to keep away from her. I mean, was she trying to drive me insane by wearing that oversized shirt and giant socks? With her hair scraped back and her throat all completely exposed, it was damn near impossible to clamp my arms to my sides.
I gritted my teeth together and concentrated on the food. If I just didn’t look at her until this sensation had passed, then it would all be fine. It was seeing Olivia that made it a challenge. If I could keep my eyes off of her, then it would all be okay. I could look over her, through her, anywhere but at her. And if I could simply ignore this racing heart and intense butterflies, then that would be wonderful as well. Nothing useful could come from these crazy sensations, which was something that we’d already found out for ourselves.
“Thank you,” she said softly as I handed her the plate, and of course, my eyes instantly snapped to hers. The magnet between us dragged my gaze in, and my entire body flip-flopped. “That’s nice of you.”
Urgh, this wasn’t going to be easy. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I couldn’t go about ignoring her the whole time; I needed to see her because she was the nanny… unless I was away, of course. Maybe what I needed to do was get myself assigned to another work trip. Traveling wasn’t my favorite thing in the world, but if it put an ocean between Olivia and me, it was a great way for me to keep my hands to myself. I couldn’t touch her if I was in another country. That was exactly what I should have done last time. I was in a mess for a reason.
As we ate, I stewed over that plan, figuring it was the safest way. I would speak to Holden about it and sort it out. Not a long trip, I wanted to be back for Justine soon, but just enough for me to straighten my thoughts out. This was for her as well… mostly for her, just to ensure that Olivia stuck around to help us both.
“I’ll take that.” I slid Justine’s plate away from her. “I’ll get cleaned up while you two get dressed. I made all the mess, after all… unless, you still want to take the credit, Justine?”
“Oh no.” She licked her lips and jumped up. “You were a great help, Dad, honestly.”
For a moment, Olivia and I forgot all about our weird tension, and we laughed together at Justine’s joke, but then it rapidly became clear that we were very much alone, and the atmosphere came flooding back. It felt thick and heady; it almost filled my lungs thickly and made it very challenging for me to breathe.
“So, I think I better go.” Olivia practically ran away. “I, erm, yeah, I guess I’ll see you later on.”
I watched her go, my heart sinking in my chest. I guess I wished that she would jump on me and just freaking kiss me already, but this was for the best. We had to keep our distance. Which was why I needed to get away. I felt more determined than ever to go on a trip somewhere now. I would get over Olivia; it would be easy.
***
“Okay, so now you want to go on a trip?” Holden shook his head and chuckled. “I mean, obviously, I’m very glad that you do because the Japanese have some further stuff to discuss with us, but I’m shocked.”
“Yeah, well…” I shrugged, trying my hardest to play it off. “I need a change of scenery.”
“Things didn’t work out with the nanny, huh?” Of course, he could see right into the heart of the problem. “Well, that’s a real shame. I was rooting for you crazy kids and your inappropriate romance.” Holden cocked his head curiously at me. “How bad is it? Do you need to go right away or have you got until the end of the week…?”
Too much could happen in a week; I’d already shown myself that anything could happen in a freaking day. I could not stick around and wait. Not without going nuts. “No, I need to go today. As soon as possible.”
He sucked in a breath. “Ooh, that bad? Is she gone forever?” I shook my head. “Urgh, even worse. Okay well, I’ll get your flights all sorted, and you can get going. I’m coming too, but not today, I have things to do…”
“No, that’s fine. Yep, sort me out, thank you. And I’ll go and get myself packed. I’m looking forward to this.”
I left the office quickly and drove back home. All the way there, I tried to plan what I was going to say. Surely, I would see Olivia; she was there so much, and there was a chance that she would demand some answers. Maybe she’d pretend that it made no difference, but if she wanted to know, then I needed an answer. What would I say if she asked me and threatened to leave all over again? She would get another job easily.
It’s a last-minute thing… it needs to happen… it… oh, bullshit, she would see right through that. Maybe it was better for me to be at least a little bit honest. I could explain that we needed some space…
I got myself really worked up; I felt all dizzy and confused as I got the elevator up to the apartment. The stress balled up so much in my back that I was stiff and tense
. But then I quickly saw that Olivia wasn’t alone. She was helping Rosa clean the place up. In a way, that was good. Being alone got us into trouble, but it also meant that I couldn’t explain myself at all. I half wanted to let her know why I had to go so she didn’t hate me.
“Erm…” I started as soon as she looked at me. “I have a… a change of schedule. Yeah, I’ve got to… erm, there’s a business trip that’s just come up today, and I need to get going right now. Today, unfortunately.”
“Oh, right, is it on the calendar…” Olivia grabbed her cell phone to look at it. “I can’t see it anywhere.”
“No, it’s a real last moment thing. It just came up. I’m really sorry about it.” I couldn’t look her in the eye, not if I didn’t want to kiss her goodbye. “It’s Tokyo again, things weren’t fully completed last time and since I didn’t go to Australia…” I was giving too many details. I needed to stop; the words were flying out of my mouth too quickly. “Anyway, will you tell Justine that I can video call her when I get there to explain everything? I know she’ll be shocked, but I will contact her as soon as I can.” Well, maybe she wouldn’t be shocked by now…
“Sure, sure.” Olivia looked blown away, and I felt terrible. I darted my eyes towards Rosa, trying to indicate that I wasn’t explaining myself for a reason. “Is there anything else I need to know while you’re gone?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t think so. Thank you though. I will… erm, I’ll stay in touch to let you know.”
“Yeah.” She sounded strained and stressed. This wasn’t what I wanted at all. Urgh, I wished I could drag her into the bedroom to explain and… maybe something else. Not that I was thinking about that. “Sure.”