by Alexa Davis
“I never thought I’d see the day where Terrance admitted that he had some work to do.” Braxton laughed and clapped me on the back. “Times really are changing.”
When Emily returned with our drinks, I looked down on the dance floor or Lights Out, feeling nothing for anyone. It wasn’t as busy as it was on weekend nights, but there were still party animals there having a good time. I didn’t care that there were some real beauties down there – that didn’t matter. I couldn’t even see them...the only person I could think about was the one woman who wasn’t here.
Still, I could see her tomorrow. I could make this right. It would be okay, wouldn’t it?
It had to be.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Morgan
Thursday
I stood anxiously outside the hospital, knowing that today was the day. I couldn’t put it off any longer. It didn’t matter what was going on in my personal life, I simply had to tell work that I was having a baby. Not only was it my duty, but I had to ensure that my maternity leave was intact. Whatever happened next, I needed that time to get used to being a mother.
“Are you okay?” Nickie burst through the front door and gave me a curious look as I stared like a mad person. “You ready to come in? I’ve made you a coffee.”
“Oh yeah, thanks.” I had to keep my head screwed on if I was going to get through this day without making any stupid errors. Mistakes could be fatal in my line of business. Maybe it would be better for me to get this stupid meeting over and done with sooner rather than later. “Come on, let’s go in.”
As we walked into the break room, I was relieved to see that no one else was there. “So, I still haven’t seen Terrance,” I admitted sadly. “I guess he decided against the whole being a parent thing.” I tried to sound casual and uncaring about this, but the way it was eating me up inside shone through regardless.
“Oh God.” She clutched at her chest sadly. “I’m sorry, Morgan, I don’t know what to say to that. I really didn’t think this was going to play out this way. Even when he came in here, I assumed that eventually he’d see sense. Maybe there’s still time.”
“I’m not holding out any hope.”
“Maybe...” She pursed her lips, her face reddening as a thought raced through her mind. I leaned in curiously, trying to work out what it was in her brain. “Maybe this isn’t the right time for you to have a baby, if you know what I mean.”
“What are you suggesting?” My hands fluttered back down to my stomach, horror nailing into my heart. “That I get rid of my baby?”
“I don’t mean it in any kind of horrible way, I just think that... Maybe this isn’t the right time, seriously. You have your job, no...no man, no real money. It’ll be harder for you to find someone as a single mother...”
“But not impossible,” I snapped back angrily. “And, I hardly think that I’m going to be interested in finding a man with a newborn baby in my arms. Plus, plenty of people have careers and little money and still manage it. I will be fine. I would much rather raise my child alone than that.”
“I’m really sorry,” Nickie insisted sadly. “I don’t mean to be a dick or sound like your mother, I just want you to know that you have options. I won’t judge you, whatever you decide. I just... I want to be here for you.”
I took her hands in mine and gave her a careful smile. “I’m sorry for snapping. I guess I’m just scared about all those things you said, but I’m trying not to think too much about it. I don’t want to panic about having no money, or worrying about how I’ll continue on with work, I just want to finally get excited. Terrance isn’t around, that much is obvious; so now it’s time for me to look forward to my baby.”
Nickie’s hand automatically reached down to my stomach, too, her hand softly brushing against my skin. “I know it is,” she replied quietly. “I’m sorry if I offended you. I keep forgetting that there’s a real child underneath all of this. I get so wrapped up in the issues surrounding this pregnancy, it’s hard to remember that there’s beauty at the end of it.”
“I know, me, too. But there is, and soon it’ll all be okay.”
As I spoke those words, I really tried to believe them. I was certain that everything would be alright, that I’d eventually sort it all out, but the fear would just not shut up however much I begged it to.
***
I shifted in my seat, the terror now much more obvious. I could barely remain still for long enough for the HR woman to join me, no matter anything else.
“So, I understand this is a workplace issue?”
God, why couldn’t I have gotten Rae? She was so much easier to talk to than Dani, whose stark appearance matched her personality. She took everything just that little bit too seriously. “Erm, well not exactly. I... I’m...having a baby.”
“Oh.” Her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn’t comment further. “Okay, so we will need to organize your maternity leave. When is your due date?” I counted back on my fingers, trying to come up with a rough estimate. “Have you not been to see a doctor yet? Have you had an ultrasound? The due date should be written in your notes...”
“Actually, I haven’t seen anyone yet, but I will. Erm, I’m due in May sometime, but as soon as I have an exact date I’ll let you know.” I just wanted to get out of the room. I could almost feel the walls closing in on me. “Now, is there anything else you need?”
“Just doctor confirmation, then we can start arranging cover and maternity pay.”
“Right, thank you.”
I stood up, scraping my chair as I went, and I took my jelly legs outside. Once I got into the hallway, I practically collapsed and rested my head against the wall. Maybe that didn’t go as badly as it could’ve done, but I still felt like it had stripped me bar and, left me raw. In just a few short words, I had laid myself bare on the mahogany desk belonging to human resources, and now I felt exhausted because of it.
Especially because I knew what was to become. Gossip, rumors, whispers. HR had to legally keep the information to themselves, but these things always had a way of trickling through the crowds.
Right, I thought, determination flooding through my brain. Get this day done, then everything will be alright.
I forced my feet forwards and my mind to circle back around to what I had to do today. Now that I had that horrendous weight lifted off my shoulders, I could get back into work mode. I needed to. I wasn’t on leave quite yet.
“How did that go?” Nickie whispered, catching up with me.
“Not as bad as I’d expected.” I shrugged and continued walking, trying to shake it off. “So, what do we have to do today?”
***
The day was a tough one, my weary body barely wanted to comply, but I just about managed to get through it. I did bloodwork, which meant I could spend most of my day off my aching feet, but the mental weariness was the hardest thing of all. Everything tired me out, and there was no escaping that.
As I grabbed my jacket from my locker, I’d never been so relieved in my life to be able to put the day behind me. I couldn’t wait to lock myself inside, to hide away from the world, and to just rest.
“Did you want to go out to eat?” Nickie asked, wrapping her arm around me. “I know you’re tired, I can see it in your eyes, but it saves cooking.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right; that sounds nice.” I smiled as I spoke, but the joy didn’t quite reach my eyes. “Thanks, Nickie, you’ve been a great help.”
“Well, actually, I need some help from you, too,” she admitted coyly. “I have a date this weekend, and I need your advice.”
“You do?” I practically shrieked gleefully. “You kept this one quiet.”
“Yeah, well, it hardly seems like an issue compared to what you’re going through, but I assume you could use the distraction, too.”
My heart fluttered happily in my chest as we made our way out of the hospital. It would be good to think about something else for a change, and I felt certain that as soon as I
finally got Nickie speaking about her date, I’d never hear the end of it. Absorbing myself in the life of someone else was exactly what I needed after that day.
“Oh my God.” Nickie’s hushed tone dragged my attention towards her eye line. “I can’t believe it. Terrance is here – just when you thought you would never hear from him again.”
At first I melted, wonderful images filled my mind, a great future that could maybe happen, before I quickly steeled myself. I needed to shut the gooiness out and build my walls back up again because there was a chance of him shutting me down forever more.
“Yeah well, it might be a case of too little too late,” I replied a little too snarkily. “I don’t even know if I want to speak to him now.” I was lying through my teeth of course, but Nickie didn’t need to know that.
“You better, though; you don’t know what’s going on here. This could be good news, after all. Maybe you should just give him a minute.” She tenderly touched my arm and smiled at me. “I’ll meet you in the diner, okay?”
My heart squeezed tightly in my chest as I made the dreaded steps towards him. I had to keep my eyes fixed on my feet just to ensure that they were still moving. My terrified breaths flitted in and out of my mouth, a sharpness hitting the back of my throat every time I did.
“Morgan, do you mind if I talk to you?” Terrance’s voice was uneasy as he stuffed his hands into his pockets looking like a scolded school child. That could only be bad news, otherwise he’d look happier, wouldn’t he?
“Yes, okay.” As I looked up and my eyes finally hit him, I could see a rough edge to him. He either looked hungover or very stressed and tired out. I couldn’t decide which one I wanted it to be. “What’s going on?”
“I, erm... I think we need to talk about our situation.” Situation, perfect – just the way every woman wanted their pregnancy described. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea to do it here, do you? I think what we need to do is maybe have dinner tomorrow night?”
I wanted to ask if dinner was essential for the charade, but I didn’t bother. In the end, I simply nodded to agree with him. We needed to come to some sort of agreement on this, and privacy and polite conversation was the best way to do that. “Okay sure, do you want to come to my place or should I come to yours?”
“Yes, come to me, please. Whenever you finish work.” His eyes weren’t fully focused on me, which I could only assume was a bad thing. If he wasn’t looking at me, he didn’t want me to see what was in his gaze.
“Right, well, I’ll be over at about eight p.m. then. That should give me enough time to...to get home.” And get ready, and prepare myself for the scariest meal of my life.
I didn’t want to hear any more, the tears were pricking at my eyes and I really didn’t need Terrance to know how hurt I was, so I spun on my heels and stalked away before he could leave me. I couldn’t watch him get into that car and drive off, leaving me even more alone and confused. The only thing I truly needed to walk away with was some form of dignity.
Just think about Nickie, talk to her about her date, I insisted to my brain, trying to switch all the negativity off. Don’t worry about Terrance, that’s a problem that can be dealt with tomorrow. I shook my head, trying to forget about it all. No need to worry at all.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Terrance
Friday
“I, erm... I think we need to talk about our situation.”
Urgh, it still made me cringe to recall the way I discussed my unborn baby with Morgan yesterday. I could see how much it hurt her, just from the way her eyes wetted by my words, but it was too late. I’d already said it. I just hadn’t wanted to be too open about our baby in case her work colleagues didn’t know.
Hopefully, I would be pave over the cracks of the pain I’d inadvertently caused.
I tied my tie up tighter around my neck, wondering why there was such a pool of dissatisfaction sitting in my stomach. I looked okay. I had my nicest outfit on...although maybe that was it. Maybe I looked a bit too formal. I quickly tugged the tie off and removed my shirt, before grabbing an old faded tee shirt from my drawer and threw it on myself. That felt a little bit better.
I made my way into the kitchen to stir the boiling pot on the stove. I had really put a lot of effort into this meal. I’d followed the recipe exactly and I picked an easy one so I couldn’t mess it up...hopefully. I hoped all of that was noticed and Morgan would understand how truly sorry I was.
The fear was still there in the pit of my stomach, I was still incredibly unsure about the whole parenting thing, but I was prepared to try. I didn’t want to turn my back on Morgan and our child just because I was scared – that wasn’t the right thing to do at all.
Knock, knock.
I glanced at the clock, noticing that Morgan was almost fifteen minutes early. She was probably keen because she wanted to get this over and done with, I had no doubt she thought I wanted out because of the crappy way I handled things yesterday. At least she was still here, there was a much too large chance that she wouldn’t show at all!
I tugged the door open and tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it was obvious from Morgan’s body language that she was closed off. Her hands were wrapped tightly around her chest and her eyes could barely stand to meet mine. I hated that I’d caused that, it made me feel terrible. I couldn’t help but imagine her lying awake all night long, stressing about how I was going to tell her to leave me alone forever.
“Hey, Morgan, thank you for coming.” I took her coat from her and indicated for her to go inside. “I’m sorry I was so weird yesterday. I just think that this is a conversation needed to be had in private, you know?”
She was barely paying any attention to me, flickering her eyes over the apartment. I wondered if she was remembering the last time she was here, when she told me the news and I said absolutely nothing of any use. I simply lay there until she left.
Urgh, what an idiot.
“Do you remember the night we first met?” Oh... maybe not, maybe her mind was somewhere else entirely. “When I nursed you back to health?”
“I do.” I couldn’t prevent the secret smile from spreading across my mouth at the memory. “I thought you were an angel.” The way her sweet face shone through the pain would stick with me forever. That night Morgan made me feel safe when I’d been through one of the most dangerous experiences of my life. If she hadn’t been around to stop those men, maybe I would’ve been the one who wasn’t around to tell the tale...
“What are you cooking?” Her voice burst through my nostalgia, bringing me right back in to the present moment. “It looks like it might be burning.”
“Oh fuck, it was all going so well!” I darted into the kitchen and fiddled with the pans. “Well, it might be a bit black, but it’s done.” I tried to keep my tone calm, but I was freaking out inside. This was my one chance to make things right and I was making an utter mess of it.
Thankfully, and actually rather unexpectedly, Morgan burst into laughter with that statement. “That’s absolutely fine,” she chuckled. “I don’t mind at all.”
Relief flooded through me as I realized that all hope wasn’t lost after all. She was here, she was laughing...that had to mean something, right? I seriously hoped so. As I glanced at her, I noticed her clutching onto her stomach lovingly, almost automatically as if she didn’t quite realize what she was doing, and that small action made my heart go out to her more than anything else ever could.
I’d had my head up in the clouds, and all the while Morgan was looking after my baby, loving him or her with everything she had. Even if she was scared, she was doing the right thing.
“Here we are, it’s done.” We both sat at the table and started to chew. Despite the slightly blackened taste to the food, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I was actually a little proud of myself. “Is it okay?”
“It’s not as bad as it looks.” Morgan laughed, and again I found myself hit with a wave of how lucky I was. Not only
was this woman beautiful, she had a wonderful personality, as well. If this situation was going to happen with anyone, I just felt glad that it was her. “Thank you for making it.”
My heart hurt as it pounded hard against my rib cage, threatening to escape if I didn’t start this conversation soon. I wasn’t sure why my spine felt cold, this was good news I’d be sharing – it was just scary to fully acknowledge that my life would never be the same again. As soon as I said the next sentence, I was diving headfirst into the sort of responsibility I never thought my life would have.
Still, it needed to happen sooner or later, so what was the point in holding back anymore?
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a douche bag,” I stared slowly and carefully. “I know I’ve acted far less than gentlemanly, and I want to apologize for that. It wasn’t right.”
“Well, it must have been a shock...” Morgan started, but I wasn’t about to let her make excuses for me, even if they were the truth.
“No, I never should have freaked out. I should’ve been a man about it. It just... It felt like a lot, you know what with my own family situation being messy, to put it politely. I got all up in my head about it, and I started to panic. Plus, I had all the garbage with the loan shark in the back of my mind. I know it’s over now, and I don’t have anything to worry about, but it rattled me.”
“I understand.” Morgan touched my hand across the table and gave me a caring look. “You haven’t had it easy, especially not recently. I should have told you at a better time. I piled it on when you already had a lot going on in your life.”
God, I was lucky! What sort of woman did it make Morgan that she was actually being kind to me right now? The best kind, that was for sure.
“Well, all of that is behind me now. I’m ready to move on. And what I really want is to be a good dad to my child.”
“You do?” she gasped, sliding back in her chair in shock. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to, that’s not why I told you. I just thought that you deserved to know.”