by Alexa Davis
“Hmmm.” I couldn’t be bothered to answer that – my own Friday hadn’t been the greatest.
“Although, one interesting thing did happen.” She sat forward in her seat and stared intently at me. “Terrance came to see me.” My eyes snapped up in interest. “Well, actually he came to see you.” I sat up straighter, wondering why he hadn’t come here afterwards. “He wanted to speak to you about the baby, but... Well, I told him not to bother until he knew exactly what he wanted. He looked stressed and worried, like he had no idea what was going on inside his own brain.”
I nodded slowly, hating this, but also glad. I didn’t want to speak to Terrance while his head was all over the place – we’d only end up fighting about it. This was something he needed to adjust to, and although I felt resentment about it, I understood. It had taken me a while to come to terms with it, too.
“Right, thank you.”
“Also, Braxton has a follow up appointment today, so I guess if you want some more insight into how Terrance is truly feeling, then you have a chance there.”
I nodded rapidly, seeing this as the only way. Terrance barely knew Nickie; he’d had minimal conversations with her while he was waiting in the hospital by Braxton’s side. If I really wanted to know where his head was, I would have to ask his friend. After all, I couldn’t ask him.
“Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll do.” I picked myself up and raced towards the bathroom, almost forgetting that my friend was there. “Oh and thanks, Nickie!” I called out behind me. “I really appreciate it.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” I heard as I flicked the shower on, a burst of positivity finally there inside of me. “I mean, I can just wait in the car if you’d like.”
“Oh yeah, sure, thank you.” I needed all the support that I could get right now, and I was lucky to have such a good friend. “I won’t be long.”
***
I hated lurking in the waiting room like a creeper, but I wasn’t sure how long Braxton was going to be in his appointment, and the more time that passed, the less convinced I was that I’d be able to make this appear like a chance encounter.
I wanted to find out what Terrance was thinking. I didn’t want to make things worse by letting him know that I’d become something of a stalker.
“Hey there, Morgan, you okay?” Rae, the ditzy girl from HR walked past me, barely brushing her arm across my back. I gave her a smile, but I couldn’t force any words past my lips for fear of bursting out the truth. Sooner or later, I’d have to have that chat with human resources, but not right now.
I almost missed the moment Braxton walked past me. In fact, if he hadn’t seen me, then maybe this whole trip would’ve been a waste.
“Oh hi, Braxton,” I grinned at him, my face heating up as I already felt like I’d been caught out. “How are you doing?”
“Good.” He nodded happily. “It seems I’m healing well, and I can reduce the meds soon, so that’s good.”
“Oh, wonderful.” We stared awkwardly at one another for a few moments, before I felt compelled to continue. There was no point in beating around the bush. “So, I suppose you know by now that I told Terrance about...” I pointed to my stomach, not wanting to verbalize that aloud right now. “And, that he didn’t take it well.”
“Yeah, I saw him.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “And, I know he’s freaked out at the moment, but I can assure you that he’ll come around. He’s a good guy, he just needs time. I know he’s not been the best, but he will be. Trust me.”
“Right.” I nodded, wishing that I could trust his words. I knew that he meant them, I just wasn’t sure if he could see his friend as objectively as I hoped. “Well, I hope you’re right. And, I hope you get better soon.”
As Braxton left me, I felt none the wiser. Maybe this hadn’t been the best plan, after all. I felt as confused and messed up as before. I was just lucky to have Nickie outside waiting for me to give me that support. Without her, I would probably fall apart.
I walked almost aimlessly back towards the car, my head way up in the clouds. I had no idea if anyone was even talking to me, I couldn’t pay attention to anything. I was just walking...
“Are you alright?” Nickie stood, pressed up against the car, waiting anxiously for me. “You look very pale. Do you feel sick?”
“No I... I just feel weird. Braxton said... Well, he just said to wait. I know that he’s right, it makes a lot of sense, but I’m impatient. And scared.” I got into the car and turned to look at my friend who’d done the same as me.
“I just want to know either way. Right now, I’m in limbo. I have no idea whether I’ll be doing this alone or not, and that’s terrifying. Even if I learn that Terrance wants nothing to do with me and our child, at least I can plan accordingly, you know?”
“Let me take you out to lunch,” she replied spontaneously. “Let’s go and take your mind off of this. Do something nice for you, you deserve it.”
“Thank you.” I appreciated the sentiment, but I wasn’t sure I could ever forget. This was going to haunt my mind until I got my answer. As I stared out the window, I could think of nothing else, and I didn’t think a simple lunch would change that. Still, I appreciated the effort, and I felt grateful to my friend.
***
I twisted my body around in my bed to grab my phone, just to see a name plastered across the screen to fill my heart with dread. I groaned loudly, feeling sick, but I hit the answer button anyway because again it had been too long. I could only avoid her for a certain period before she began to worry.
“Hi, Mom,” I answered sleepily, rubbing my eyes hard. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” Her tight tone made me regret hitting that answer button. I should’ve known this would happen. “You’re the one who hasn’t spoken to me for ages again. Do you think I don’t worry? Does it not bother you that I might be scared?”
“It’s work...” I tried, but Mom jumped back in rapidly.
“I know it’s your job – it’s always your job. I just wonder if you ever have a life outside of it. I mean, you’ve been promising to come and see me for nearly a year now and you haven’t.”
I sighed as quietly as I could manage, hating every damn second of this conversation. “I know, Mom, and I will come and visit as soon as I get a chance...”
“Don’t you get time off? Vacations?” Everything I said only made her angrier.
Visiting you is not what I’d consider a vacation! “I will soon, I’m sure of it.”
“Okay, because I miss you. It’s lonely here.”
As I listened to her piling it on thick – I knew for certain that she had loads of friends and a very busy lifestyle – I thought about my next vacation. Maternity Leave it would be, and that was when it’d all become far too real.
I’d really have to get prepared, I’d have to start buying all the things that a baby needed. Sure I really didn’t want any money from Terrance, but maybe I’d have to ask for some even if he said no, just for the initial set up. I didn’t earn enough to buy a stroller and reams of clothing, diapers, and wipes, and...whatever else babies needed.
“Are you still there? You’re very quiet?” She tutted loudly, dragging me from my thoughts.
“Oh sorry, Mom, I’m just...”
“Tired, from work, I know.” She sighed loudly and angrily, her disappointment in me shining through. If only she knew how disappointed she really should be in me. “Right well I’ll let you get on with it. I’ll speak to you soon, okay?”
Mom, help me! I’m pregnant, and I don’t think the father wants to have any involvement in my life. But I’d never get the sympathy I truly wanted, so there wasn’t any point in saying any of that aloud.
“Bye, Mom, I’ll speak to you soon.”
Once she was gone, I flopped my head back onto my pillow and screamed loudly in frustration. All the horror that I felt inside burst free and for a split second I actually felt okay. But once the screaming was done, I felt like shit agai
n.
I felt okay when I rubbed my belly, when I caressed my baby bump, but that was the love speaking. Love would only get me so far – there was reality, too, and that was still very difficult.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Terrance
Wednesday
I stared down at the city beneath me, feeling small and insignificant in its masses. I used to look down and feel like a king, but now I felt separate, unwanted, and lost. It was as if the rest of the world was carrying on, leaving me behind with my thoughts. Only, I wasn’t sure what I thought or how I felt. I’d been numb for far too long.
I needed to move, to get myself out of this chair, out of the apartment, and on to something positive. I knew that, but still I couldn’t do it. I just kept thinking, remembering things from my past.
I recalled being seven years old and asking my dad why I didn’t have a mom like everyone else. His face closed over, his eyes narrowed, and I could see the hurt in his face. Still, I never learned who she was or where she was. He didn’t tell me anything. She could’ve been dead, she could’ve been alive, maybe she went crazy or just decided that I wasn’t enough to make her stay. Dad just sent me to my room, where I’d be left in a constant state of wonder, probably for the rest of my life.
I hated having this unsolved mystery hanging over my head, leaving me with absolutely no knowledge of where I came from. But what could I do about it? There was no one left to resolve it.
I had coped. I had one parent to take care of me and a brother who I loved fiercely. One who didn’t seem to know about mother, either. We never wanted for anything, we had enough love to keep us going, and we were okay. Maybe we both chose the life of partying after school rather than taking the rightful place by our dad’s side in the company, but that didn’t change how much I was loved. Even when the business was sold – a decision I could now see was probably to pay off the loan sharks a little bit – we had been a tight knit unit.
Still, not tight enough to let me in on the truth. With anything, really.
I didn’t even know that Dad was sick before the heart attack claimed him. If I had, then maybe I could’ve been by his side when it happened, helping him, maybe even saving him. Instead, he was by himself as he reached the end of his life. Afterwards, the doctors had told me and Mason that he’d been on medication for his heart.
Secrets. So many secrets. That seemed to be the foundation of our family.
Losing him murdered me inside. I felt lost and alone without him, like I was floating through life with no anchor. Mason and I had one another, and we tried to support each other through it, but it wasn’t quite the same. We tried to carry on, but it wasn’t easy. Nothing was as it was. We partied, we had our fun, but the knowledge that our parents were gone hanging between us like a canyon.
Then he was gone, too, killed by those horrible men. I didn’t think that was something that I could ever get over. Mom left or died, Dad died, too, and Mason was taken cruelly, unnecessarily. He could still be here now – his death didn’t ever need to happen. Even thinking about it all this time later, balling my fists up angrily by my side. Red hot anger flamed in my chest. But I simply remained in my chair, staring down at the city below.
The city that felt like my enemy.
It wasn’t fair. Mason should’ve still been alive. He might have been a playboy, but there was a lot of potential there deep down. It was wasted. He could’ve had a life, a wife, a family, a career...
All the things I could still have myself, if only I felt brave enough to reach out and grab it. Why was I so scared, when I was the lucky one? He was gone, I was still here, yet I spent a lot of my time as dead as he was. I went through the motions, I got through each day, but I never really invested in life.
Mason would be disappointed in me.
Knock, knock.
My eyes spun around frantically, my heart hammering in my chest as fear claimed my spine. This could be Morgan. Just because I hadn’t yet gone to her didn’t mean she wouldn’t come to me, demanding answers. That scared the shit out of me, to be forced into a chat I wasn’t yet ready for. I’d understand, but I still would make a mess of things and would end up hurting us both.
“Who’s there?” I called out cautiously, wondering what I’d say if Morgan replied. Would I let her in or send her away, cowardice getting the better of me?
“It’s Braxton, can I come in?”
Oh, thank God! Relief flooded me – I wasn’t about to be confronted after all. “Come in, you have a key,” I yelled in response. I could hear Braxton creeping in, but my eyes were back facing forwards. “You don’t have to knock, you know? That’s why I gave you a key.”
“It feels rude to come in without being invited. I don’t know what you’re doing.” I could feel his eyes prickling on my skin from where he sat beside me. “I didn’t realize that you were going to be sitting out here in the same clothing you’ve been wearing for the last few days.” He didn’t need to tell me that he was worried about me – that much was obvious.
“I know, I just... I can’t be bothered to get dressed. It feels pointless.” I shrugged, trying to act blasé, but I didn’t manage to pull it off at all. “I guess it’s just hard to think about anything else at the moment, I have this massive weight on my shoulders, a thick cloud hanging over my head.”
“Okay, well, at least I know where you are with the baby now. No better off.”
“You know what, it isn’t even that. Not really. It’s more that I’m scared of making all the same mistakes of my family. I’m scared of somehow leaving a child with no parents. I didn’t lose my dad until I was an adult, but it still hurt.”
Braxton turned in his chair to face me dead on, and I did the same. We were staring at one another, both sitting at opposite ends of the spectrum, neither of us fully accepting the other one’s opinion.
“Just remember how bad it feels not knowing your mother, at all,” he said. “I know that gets to you, even if you don’t want to admit it. Even more so now that you don’t have anyone else. Won’t it be worse for your child if you don’t even try?”
“Yes,” I whispered in reply. “Yes, I know you’re right.”
“Morgan knows you’re a good guy; you understand that, don’t you? She doesn’t blame you for this – she understands that it’s just a freak out.”
“So you don’t think that she’s going to hate me forever?” That was a worry of mine, too. The longer I left it, the more I stewed and the worse I knew it was becoming. With every passing second, it was getting harder and harder to speak to Morgan about this.
“Well, maybe not forever,” he teased. “No, she’s a great girl. I think that you’ll do well with her.”
We sat in a comfortable silence for a moment, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I felt a warmth trickling through, me and my shoulders felt a little lighter. It only took a bit of truth from my best friend to have me recognizing the truth. This was much more about my past than it was about my present.
“Do you really think I can do it?” I asked my friend carefully. “Be a dad, I mean. I don’t have any experience or knowledge. I just can’t see it, I’ve spent too much of my life messing around.”
“Yeah, you’ve had your fun, which maybe means that it’s time to settle down. You like Morgan, don’t you? You want more from your life than just this? I know this is a shock, but it’s happened now. It’s time to make the best of it.”
I nodded slowly, drinking all of this in. Now that the shock had mostly vanished, it was easier for the good stuff to creep in and see the positive side of this. As scary as it was, I could do it...probably.
“So, if Morgan lets me, then it looks like I’m going to be a father.” I smiled at my friend, trying to push all more fears to one side just for the moment. “That sounds like news we should celebrate, doesn’t it?”
“Oh yeah.” Braxton’s expression was one of slight confusion at the change of heart. What he didn’t seem to realize was that it had been a lon
g time coming, creeping up on me slowly. “And, what did you have in mind for that?”
“Drinks.” I stood up and grinned, wanting to get dressed for the first time in days. I needed to get out of there four walls before I fully caved to insanity.
“Lights Out?”
“Oh God no, anywhere but. Just a bar somewhere. It’ll be fun, come on.”
Luckily, Braxton was so happy to see me up and about that he would’ve gone anywhere with me. I would make sure we both had an awesome night because of that.
***
“This was a great idea!” Braxton yelled above the noise of the one club I promised myself I wouldn’t go into. “And, thank you for inviting Emily. She really appreciates it.”
I glanced over to where my friend’s girlfriend sat at the bar, waving at us both and giggling as the alcohol got the better of her.
“It’s okay, she’s a great girl. As I said before, I’m glad you have her.”
Although I wasn’t totally convinced that inviting her was my best plan because although they didn’t intend it, but I was something of a third wheel. It didn’t matter how little they tried to touch one another, how small the kisses they shared, my heart ached for a woman of my own. Not just any woman. Morgan.
“Are you feeling a bit better about everything now?” We’d had enough drinks for me to feel better about anything, but that wasn’t what he meant. “I mean, those guys are all dead, your dad’s fortune is protected, you have a lovely woman who wants to be with you, and who’s also carrying your child... There are worse problems you could have.”
“There are. I’ve never ignored that. I guess it’s just harder for me than most to open up than most. But I’m going to work on that. I’m going to make myself better.”