by Alexa Davis
“I know it might not be something that you’re comfortable with, but you need to find a way to make it work.” She hopped down off her stool and followed me into the kitchen. “When I first learned about my original role would involve nudity, I spent the majority of a week naked in front of a mirror. I used that time to get used to my body and to also work out how to position it right. I knew how to do it in clothes, so I just had to relearn for that scene.
“Now look at me. I’m in three commercials, last month I was in an off-Broadway production, and next week, I have another walk on role in that CIA TV series. All of that came from that one role. It catapulted me.”
I didn’t like to comment that it hadn’t catapulted her the whole way because that would have been a shitty thing to do, so I just nodded silently instead. I didn’t think I would ever be able to get used to the idea, however hard I tried. I just wasn’t the girl who found it easy to get naked in any situation. Never mind under studio lights with hundreds of crew members watching me, cameras pointing at me, and the knowledge that it would be for public consumption.
“I strongly suggest that you get in front of that mirror now,” Denise continued, seemingly oblivious to the inner turmoil cascading through my brain. “Or you’re going to have to find another way to pay the rent.” Her face twisted into a smirk which suggested that a joke was about to fly out of her mouth. “Either that or you’ll have to start selling your body on a street corner…at least that way only one person will have to see you naked.”
With that horrifying thought, she turned on her heels and stalked into her bedroom, leaving me even more confused than before. Maybe I could get used to my naked body, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, I thought. The movie was a period piece about a lady in the war falling for an enemy soldier. The nude scene was supposed to be very tasteful, but the thought of standing there with all eyes upon me filled me with dread.
I tugged my cell phone out of my pocket and typed out a message to the director.
‘I’m really sorry. I don’t think I can…’
But then I considered my inability to pay rent if I didn’t take on this job. I would have to find something really fast to make this month if I turned it down which was going to be really challenging. Maybe I just needed to suck it up and make myself do it.
I hit delete, then retyped:
‘Thank you for the opportunity. I would love to…’
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hit send. Instantly, despite my desperation to get back home only moments before, I knew that I needed to escape again. I needed a long walk, space and time to think, and a cup of coffee from Lorenzo’s. There was something about the java that came from that place that was like liquid gold. I needed it to help me make my decision because when I finally did make a choice, I wanted it to be the right one. After all, it was going to affect me a lot.
***
With a steaming cup between my fingers I took a much slower walk back to the apartment. I didn’t really want to get back home until I knew what I wanted to do for sure. It was hard to think with Denise pressuring me, even if she didn’t really mean to. I knew that she only wanted the best for me, and I appreciated her friendship, but on this point I didn’t think we would ever see eye to eye. Denise was happy to go with the flow and did not mind doing what needed to be done to make a success of herself, whereas I was much more content to stick to my morals.
Not that my morals were getting me anywhere.
As I passed a beautiful young woman playing her clarinet on the street corner, I wanted nothing more than to chuck some change into her instrument case. From one struggling artist to another, we needed to support one another, but I couldn’t. I had scrabbled around in the bottom of my bag to pay for this damn coffee. I could barely afford anything else.
I’d finally eaten through all my savings, leaving me at a desperate and hopeless place. I didn’t think this time would come so soon – I was supposed to be in a much better place. I had all these plans, but somehow they fell apart somewhere along the line.
My eyes were drawn, as if a magnet was pulling them, to a red dress hanging in the window of Barneys. It was long, it cinched in at the hips, and it had the perfect cut for someone with breasts on the slightly smaller side. I didn’t even need to try it on to know that it would look good on me, I could just tell. It was the sort of garment that in a naïve way I thought acting would help me to buy.
No such luck.
No, I could barely afford anything from market stalls, never mind something like this. With a deep sigh, I forced my pining body to move away and continued on my journey back home. I wanted to be able to do the nude scene, just because the rest of the movie was beautiful and would make my life easier by paying my rent, but I just knew that I couldn’t.
I was going to have to find some other way to make myself some money. If only there was another job somewhere out there in the world, for me to showcase my acting abilities. I needed some magic job to drop out of the sky that would let me act, allowing me to become someone else, while also keeping my morals.
Sadly, I was never going to get that lucky. I never had, and I never will.
‘To Ian,’ I typed out with regret on my cell phone screen. ‘Thank you for the opportunity, but I am afraid I will not be able to take on the role. Yours sincerely, Lindsey.’
I shoved my phone away, knowing I wouldn’t get an answer. It would get me shit from Denise, who was bound to be pissed off, but somehow I would make it work. I had to. I didn’t have any choice in the matter. It wasn’t exactly like I had anywhere else in the world to go.
Chapter Three
Adam
Tuesday
What the hell did I say that for? What on earth was I thinking? Why didn’t I just keep my stupid mouth shut?
I paced up and down my home wondering what I was thinking when I said that stupid thing to my family. Sure, I was angry, admittedly I didn’t want Brandon to get another one over on me again, stupidly I hated being made to look foolish – but that didn’t excuse my behavior. I was an idiot, I burst out a lie in the heat of the moment, and now I needed to deal with it in whatever way I could.
The problem was after that moment, everything went from bad to worse. Brandon seemed to sense that I was lying, and he continued to make digs about it. I had to blow off questions about my mysterious girlfriend’s name, her age, her job, her looks, everything. He was searching for a way to humiliate me, and it took all that I had not to give it to him.
My father was just as bad. He was always looking for weakness within me, so he loved this. With his smirks and comments that it would be foolish not to bring her to the honorary dinner, I knew that I was stuck.
And then there was Mom.
I wanted to sigh loudly when I thought of Mom. She meant well, she always did, and of course I loved her, but she made it worse. Without meaning to, of course, she was the only one who didn’t know I was lying, but she made it worse of all. Since Helen was refusing to give Brandon any children for obvious reasons (mainly that she only wanted him for the money and the lifestyle, not because she actually gave a shit about him), Mom was always on at me for giving her grandchildren. She said it in a jokey, no pressure way, but I knew that it was her dream. Being a mother was everything to her, so losing me and Brandon to adulthood hit her hard. She wanted her second round.
Now, more than ever before, she presumed that she actually had a chance. She thought I was in a serious relationship which took her that one step closer. She persisted on asking me questions, and I hated shutting her down most of all.
I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and scrolled through the numbers in my contacts list. There had to be someone in there, someone that I knew well enough to make this work. It would have to be someone that I knew, that my family didn’t, someone that would be willing to go along with this crazy scheme at such short notice without thinking me too much of a freak. That wasn’t too much to ask, was it?
I had female numbers
in my phone, but each one I passed didn’t feel quite right. There was always a reason for me not to drag them into my bullshit. The thought of having anyone that I knew around my father made me feel sick. The way that he always put me down and humiliated me was bad enough without anyone seeing it.
This was driving me crazy.
Fuck it. With a bolt of determination, I stuffed my cell phone into my pocket and stalked towards the front door of my town house. I couldn’t find any answers to this by myself, stuck indoors. I needed to get some advice from the only other person in the world who really knew me and understood my situation well.
And luckily, his barber shop was not too far away.
I grabbed my keys and slammed the door behind me, inhaling the wonderfully busy, polluted scent of New York. Not many people liked city life, some people found it overbearing and far too busy, but I relished it. It was all that I’d ever known, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I spent a lot of my childhood on exotic holidays to wonderful locations, but that hadn’t done anything to change my mind.
The city was my life. I freaking loved it.
The steps towards Max’s shop did nothing to clear my mind. My head was still all over the place when I pushed the door open. This time the place wasn’t dead, but thankfully there was only one client in the chair and no line. That meant I could sit there, semi patiently, and wait for Max to be free.
“Okay, what is it?” he demanded as soon as he’d taken payment from another happy customer and we were finally alone. “You’re like a crazy rabid bear desperate to tear a chunk out of someone. What’s going on with you?”
I blew out a breath of air and dragged my fingers through my hair. “I did something stupid, Max, and I need to fix it.”
He placed his butt in one of the chairs and stared up at me with concern plastered across his face. “What did you do this time? Does it have anything to do with your family, by any chance?”
I let out a strangled sound that was supposed to be a laugh but it didn’t quite come out that way. “Am I that predictable?”
“Yes.” Max nodded fervently, confirming that I actually was easy to read. Maybe for him, but that was just because he knew me so well. “Now dish. What’s happened?”
“Erm, well, okay. Brandon was goading me…”
“Of course, he was. That’s what he does.” Max rolled his eyes. “What I will never understand is why you always react to it.”
Oh God, he was going to give me some shit when he found out how far I’d gone this time. “So erm, yeah. He was basically saying the usual bullshit about how I’m worthless and I haven’t achieved anything with my life. About how I can’t hold anything down, not even a relationship, which was extra hard this time because my dad has some dinner coming up honoring him for business, or something…”
“Urgh, of course. The business awards thingy. Of course, he’s being honored.”
“Anyway, I don’t know why, but as a heat of the moment thing I blurted out that I do have a serious girlfriend, so I can hold stuff together.”
Max knitted his eyebrows together and he stared at me in confusion. “Why the fuck did you say that? That’s not true, is it?”
I offered him a one-shouldered shrug. “I don’t know. I couldn’t lie about having a job or anything because that’s an easy lie to track. I just had a red mist of rage so I just said something… Only now Dad wants me to bring my mystery girlfriend to the dinner, which I can’t do because she doesn’t exist.” I stood up, then flopped down again helplessly. “I don’t know what the fuck to do.”
Max shook his head in disappointment. “I don’t know why you cave to it, man. It’s silly. Why the fuck do you even care what they think? Your mom is awesome, so why do you care what Brandon and Daddy think? Why don’t you just leave them to their own bullshit world and you carry on living your life?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed loudly, wishing it could be that simple. “I really don’t. I just hate being criticized all the time. I just said it for some peace. But now there isn’t any peace because I don’t know what I’m going to do.” My head fell into my hands. “Now I’m going to be even more of a laughing stock when it turns out that I’m a liar. Mom will be pissed, too.”
“Of course.” Max nodded knowingly. “She wants grandkids. Even if you’re a playboy who’s nowhere near ready to settle down, all hopes lie on you.”
I chose to ignore that last remark because I couldn’t be bothered to argue it out. “I know, so what do I do, Max? There isn’t anyone I can think of who would be willing to play along with this bullshit. I’ll have to hire an actress or something.”
I chuckled, trying to prove that it was all just a joke, but Max’s expression turned serious at my suggestion. I cocked my head to one side and examined him closely, trying to work out what the hell was going on in his head.
“Actually, I do have an actress friend. She might be willing to get involved with this. She’s good, too. She’s a great actress.”
“You actually went to see something that she was in?” I groaned. “Does that mean she’s a specific type of friend?”
Max shook his head and smiled at me. “You and your filthy mind. She’s just a friend…now, anyway.” I laughed along with him. Talk about me being a playboy. “I’ll go and give her a call now, see if she’s willing and able.”
“But not too willing and able,” I insisted. “I don’t want your sloppy seconds.” I stopped him just before he went into his office. “Oh, and tell her that I’ll pay good money. I know this job is a bit…unusual.”
“Will do.”
As Max disappeared, I shook my head at what had happened to me. Was I really about to hire someone to be my girlfriend just to shut my family up? It was crazy, I knew I was acting like a crazy person, but it was far too important that I stop being the failure. Of course it would make my father much prouder if I started working with him and Brandon, but that was never going to happen. That just wasn’t me. This was all I could do.
What the hell is going on in there? I asked myself, growing impatient as Max seemed to take forever. I hoped desperately that he hadn’t forgotten what he’d called this girl for and he was just arranging himself a hook up, instead. Should I poke my head around the corner just to remind him?
In the end I decided not to, but only because I didn’t want to overhear something that wasn’t for my ears. Max was really going to have to sell this, and to be honest, after everything that I’d heard said about me by my family, I didn’t want to hear things from Max. I was just going to have to wait.
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure how long Max took in the end, but it felt like forever. “All sorted.”
My heart stopped dead in my chest, I froze to the spot and shot him a confused look. “Sorted? What do you mean, sorted?”
“I mean it’s sorted.” He said that so matter of fact, it made me wonder why I couldn’t just accept that information and process it properly. Why did it feel like he was saying something unusual?
“So, your friend said yes? She’s coming to the dinner? Don’t I need to meet her first, to let her know more about the crazy situation? Aren’t there arrangements that need to be made?” There were so many questions spinning through my mind, I didn’t know which one was the biggest priority.
Max chuckled and patted me on the back. “Didn’t I just tell you? It’s all sorted. I’ve arranged a meeting and everything. Of course it’s going to cost you, but you already knew that.”
I nodded nervously, trying to pull myself together. At least I had someone now, this was better than trying to make it work with anyone that I knew. Now I just had to fill this poor actress in on why my family was crazy, try to learn more about her as she did me, and then try to convince my family that we were in a serious relationship.
Easy, right? Nothing to worry about here. I just needed to dial the panic down and everything would be fine.
Chapter Four
Lindsey
Tuesday
I was doing my best not to loose the positivity I’d started the day out with. Okay, so I had turned down the one role because of the whole nudity thing, but that didn’t have to be the end of my career. I could still find a way to make it work. I just needed to keep positive, motivated, and strong.
Stop stalling, I told myself crossly. Just take a break and get back to it. There has to be something for me.
I padded across to the kitchen, blinking my eyes rapidly trying to adjust to the light away from the computer screen. Keeping motivated was not as easy as it should have been. I wasn’t sure what it was, but nothing seemed right. Every audition I looked through just didn’t feel like it was the one for me. I couldn’t be fussy, but I couldn’t go for more roles that weren’t for me. I didn’t want to get blacklisted because I kept turning stuff down.
I flicked the kettle on and rested my back against the counter with my head tipped back and my eyes closed. With my scruffy hair pulled back into a bun, my face make up free, and sweat pants covering my body, I felt even less secure than usual, and that was probably affecting my decision making. Maybe I needed to make myself look good so I’d feel more capable of anything…
“Helloooo!” a sing-song voice called out through the apartment, dragging me out of my thoughts. “Honey, I’m home.”
“Hey, Denise,” I chuckled. “I’ve just switched the kettle on. Do you want a hot drink?”
“Yes, for sure.” Denise swarmed in the room and dropped a selection of shopping bags on the couch. I couldn’t stop the tight knot of jealousy from twisting around in my gut. I wanted shopping bags. I glanced down at my worn outfit, hating that it felt like I had nothing. “I’m pooped. I just got paid from that commercial, as you can tell… Do you want to see some of the stuff I bought?”
No, I thought desperately.
“Sure,” I said out loud with a bit of a fake smile on my face. I couldn’t let Denise know how upset I was, not when I’d let her down by turning down that role. “Let me see.”