by Alexa Davis
Well, at least I had a family.
“Should we get going?” Lindsey asked me gently when it seemed that I’d finally calmed down enough to see sense. “We don’t want to be too late, do we?”
I nodded, wishing I could just drag her up to bed and we could spend the day there. For me that would be a much better version of Christmas. The idea was so tempting it was hard to resist. But I couldn’t. I had to do what I needed to do.
“Yeah, come on then, let’s go.”
I dragged my feet walking towards the front door, but it was pointless. I couldn’t put off the inevitable forever. I was going to have to just face this.
***
My nerves didn’t go anywhere the entire car ride over. I tried to outwardly appear calm because I didn’t want to freak Lindsey out. She was acting cool, too, but inside, she was probably more terrified than me. We both had our masks on and neither one of us wanted it to slip.
“Here we are,” I gushed as I pulled the care to a halt. “I suppose we better get this over with.”
Lindsey grabbed my hand and stared into my eyes for a moment giving me an intense look. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t really need to. I could see that she was going to be there for me no matter what. I just hoped that my family didn’t test her patience to the limit. I didn’t want them to push her away just when things were looking so good.
After we got out the car, I took Lindsey’s hand in mine as if she was my real girlfriend, much more ease than I felt on the first night we were together at that God awful dinner. I allowed that to fill me with a bit more confidence.
The door swung open the second I’d stopped knocking, and Mom revealed herself on the other side as if she’d been waiting there for us. She extended her arms and instantly went for Lindsey to pull her in for a hug first. Maybe I should’ve been a bit offended by that, but I was just so glad that they got along.
“Oh thank goodness you’re here.” It seemed that Mom assumed we might not turn up. She knew me better than I first thought. “Come inside, come and grab yourselves a drink. I have some mulled wine.”
Lindsey stepped through the door as Mom pulled me in for a hug. As I looked over her shoulder my heart sunk as I spotted Brandon and Helen already here. And by the looks of it, my darling brother was already making a beeline for Lindsey.
I had to pull apart from Mom so I could save her.
“You’re here,” he started, acting as if he was surprised. I narrowed my eyes angrily. I hated the assumption that I couldn’t keep Lindsey. The only reason she would’ve run already would have been because of his behavior. “Good to see you again. I hope today is a more dignified event.”
I breathed deeply to remain calm. I didn’t want to act out already, not when Lindsey had warned me that my behavior was key to the day being a good one. My fists pumped together. I didn’t like it much, but I just about managed to keep it inside.
“Shall we go into the living room to exchange gifts?” Brandon continued. He sounded disappointed that I hadn’t reacted angrily. “Helen’s really keen to start opening presents.”
I bit down on my bottom lip so I didn’t make a nasty comment and nodded. We moved into the living room where some lovely wrapped parcels waited under the tree. I already knew that the items in my bag weren’t as well wrapped, which would just be something for these people to criticize me about. Anywhere outside of this house, I was a strong and confident person, but inside these walls with these people, I fell apart.
“I have some gifts in here,” I mumbled while pulling them out. I figured we might as well get mine done first because they would probably be the worst.
“Actually, I have some, too.” I turned in surprise to see Lindsey pulling some smaller items out of her own bag. This was the last thing I expected, I didn’t even really want to bring her here. She certainly didn’t need to purchase some gifts, as well. I gave her a wide eyed shocked look, but she gave me a serene smile back. “It’s not much, but I hope it’s okay.”
Dad, Brandon, and Helen all looked at Lindsey like she was a crazy person, but thankfully, Mom jumped in and saved the day by easing the tension quickly. “Oh that’s lovely, Lindsey. I have something for you, too, under the tree.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
As we took our seats around the tree and people started shredding the wrapping off their presents, I couldn’t help but notice that people were barely acknowledging my presents, they were all too intrigued by what Lindsey had purchased them. She’d done better than me. I knew these people well, I’d known them my whole life, but somehow Lindsey had picked out better gifts than me. She got Helen a small, designer wallet, Brandon received a monogrammed handkerchief, Dad got a swish business card holder, and Mom got a set of luxury bath salts that she went crazy for.
I was so impressed with what everyone else got from Lindsey that it took me a while to notice that she hadn’t gotten anything for me. Not that I minded, actually. She got the presents to impress everyone else. Her presence was enough for me. I just liked having her here with me. She made me smile.
My scarves for everyone now looked really unimaginative. I felt disappointed in myself for not even thinking what everyone would really like…but then again judging by the presents I’d received myself, no one had put much effort in for me either. They didn’t know me well enough to get me anything I liked.
Material things really didn’t matter to me, anyway. Watching Lindsey interact with my family in such an awesome way really did. She just had them warming to her, and I wondered if she knew how utterly irresistible she was. As I leaned back in my seat to watch her, I felt my heart falling. I knew that love was potentially on the cards for the first time in my whole damn life.
What the hell would Max think? I wondered with a small smile playing on my lips. He would absolutely destroy me for becoming everything I said that I wouldn’t.
“Right.” Finally once the chatter died down a little bit, Mom stood up from her seat with a smile on her face. “I’m going to set the table for Christmas dinner. Is that okay with everyone?”
A chorus of agreement rang out from all of us except Helen. Now that presents were done, she had her face glued to the screen of her cell phone again, texting God knows who. Her rude behavior was utterly ridiculous. If anyone else acted in such a way it would be a crime, but because she was Brandon’s wife my dad took it as okay.
“I’ll help you.” Lindsey surprised me again. When was I going to realize that she was just a really awesome person? “I can set up the table or dish up?”
At first I thought Mom might refuse because she’d never let any of us help before, but then I remembered that actually we’d just never offered. Guilt pressed down hard on my shoulders as that hit me. We always just let Mom do everything. That was to be expected of the others, but not me.
“That would be really lovely, thank you.”
“I’ll help, too.” The idea was appealing as it took me out the room of everyone I hated. A bit of help in the kitchen was much better than being stuck with them. At least that at I got to be with Mom and Lindsey. “Let’s do this.”
I could feel eyes prickling on the back of my neck as I moved, but I didn’t turn around. Let the bitching commence as soon as I left the room, it didn’t matter to me. They were just assholes who wouldn’t ever like me whatever I did. It was starting to hit me that I didn’t need their approval, which was a freeing, liberating feeling.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Lindsey
Friday
I felt really good as I walked into the kitchen with Adam and Debbie. They were my two favorite people in the house, and I much preferred being with them than the others. Adam’s father, brother, and Helen had been grateful enough for their presents, but I didn’t want any one on one time with them without a buffer of someone I liked.
“Thank you for my chocolates,” I said to Debbie once we were inside the kitchen. “That was really thoughtful of you. You didn’t h
ave to do that. It was nice enough of you to even invite me around for dinner. I certainly wasn’t expecting any more.”
“Well, you brought us gifts.” Debbie shrugged her shoulders as if it was nothing. It meant a lot to me, though. “That was really kind of you.”
I paused for a second, wondering if I should explain myself. It maybe was a little strange that I turned up with gifts and that I didn’t seem to have a family of my own. A thick ball of emotion lodged itself in my throat as I considered revealing all, but by now Adam had been in my life for long enough for me to let a little bit of my past pain go, and so had his mother.
Or at least it felt like they had.
“I don’t have my own family to take gifts to,” I told Debbie seriously. My eyes fell closed as I sucked in a couple of deep breaths. “My parents died when I was sixteen years old, and they were all I had. My grandparents were long gone because my mom and dad didn’t have me until they were older, I don’t know if they struggled or if I was an accident, I guess I never got the chance to ask, and I didn’t have any siblings. I never had any aunts or uncles, either, so it’s pretty much always just been me. At least for my adult life.”
“Oh wow,” Debbie breathed, her eyes filling with emotion. “I didn’t know that. Lindsey, that’s so awful.”
I wanted to say more, I wanted to tell them everything, but I couldn’t find the words to do so. The ball had grown so thick that I could barely get any air into my lungs. I certainly didn’t stand any chance of getting any more words out. The full story would have to come another day when it wasn’t Christmas and I couldn’t feel myself falling apart at the seams.
As Debbie pulled me in for a hug, I fell against her and tried to calm myself down. “Thank you, Debbie. It’s okay, I am used to it now…sort of.”
“Oh, I’m sure losing your family isn’t the sort of thing that you ever get used to,” she replied kindly. “Just know that you always have a family here. We might be challenging, but I’ll always be here for you.”
Those words touched me. She was right about the family being a mess; I wasn’t sure how Adam had managed to survive it as well as he had. But still her words were incredibly sweet. So was the knowledge that she always wanted to be there for me, that she fully accepted me as Adam’s girlfriend. I still wasn’t sure if I was that, since we started this as something completely different it was hard to tell, but that was so sweet of her.
“Right.” I pulled back and brushed a stray tear off my cheek. “Let’s go and set this table up, we don’t want the dinner to get cold.”
As I walked past Adam with a tray in my hands I could see him giving me a consoling look. I didn’t cave to that, even though it threatened to tear me apart, I just carried on moving with my head held high. I’d survived this long by myself, I’d coped this much as an orphan, another day would be just fine.
He came in behind me, and looped his arms around my waist. I paused, despite the fact that stopping allowed the emotion to crash over me again, and I leaned back against him as a couple of stray tears slid down my cheeks. Every damn day I missed my parents. Sure they were a little older, and that showed in the way that they raised me, but I loved them wholeheartedly. Losing them had killed me. I felt terrible every single day.
“I hope you’re okay,” he whispered into my hair against my neck. “Just know that I’m here for you.”
Eventually, I pulled away from him to continue setting up the table. Once the most incredible spread of dinner that I’d ever seen in my life sat on the table, everyone took their seats. Richard at the head of the table with Debbie near to him, me and Adam next to one another, with Helen and Brandon across from us. Unfortunately, I was seated opposite Brandon, so I would have to put up with his intense stares the entire time. Adam got lucky, since Helen hadn’t once lifted her eyes from her cell phone. How that didn’t drive everyone crazy, I wasn’t sure.
“Thank you for you help, Lindsey,” Richard shocked me by saying. “That was very kind of you. I’m sure Debbie is very grateful.”
“Oh, I am,” she piped in. “That was lovely of you. It was nice to get to know you a bit better, too. I feel like we haven’t been able to yet.”
She shot a warning look at her family, reminding them all to be on their best behavior. I smiled to myself for a second at this look until I realized that it reminded me of my own mother. Whenever I did something she wasn’t totally keen about, she got a look on her face just like that. The reminder made the smile fall off my lips. I wished that she were here desperately.
Is it ever going to get easier? I asked myself sadly. Will it ever stop killing me that they’re gone?
“So, Lindsey, we would like to know more about you, too.” I narrowed my eyes as Brandon shoved a forkful of food into his mouth. “We didn’t get to talk much.”
I knew that I was supposed to be on my best behavior, but I just couldn’t stand it. “Well, the last time I saw you, I told you about my career, and you made a mockery of me.”
An awkward hush fell over the room. I felt terrible for creating that on Christmas day, but I couldn’t let Brandon get away with how he treated me before.
“Yeah,” Richard joined in as he gave me a wink. “That wasn’t cool, Brandon.”
Okay so he was acting like he didn’t look down on me, as well, which we all knew he did, but it was funny all the same. To see Brandon open and close his mouth a few times like a fish made me want to chuckle loudly. He hadn’t ever come across as the sort of person who got speechless before and it pleased me far too much that I’d caused it. Maybe it wasn’t the best Christmas spirit ever, but he deserved some of his own medicine.
“So, Lindsey, tell us about your acting work, how is it going?”
“Erm, it’s okay,” I admitted to Richard, no longer caring how I looked in front of them. I was proud of how far I’d come in life by myself. Who cared what anyone else thought of me. “It’s hard to work out what jobs are right for me and what ones will compromise my morals.”
Helen snorted, but I took my own advice and ignored it. There was a chance that she wasn’t even laughing at me. Her face was still in her phone. Funny how she was all attentive when the gifts were making the rounds!
“Well, it’s good to hear that you’re sticking to what you think is best for you.” I couldn’t believe it – it seemed that Richard was coming around to me. “That’s very important. It’s good that you’re following your dreams, even if it’s hard. Are you making enough to pay the bills?”
I couldn’t meet Adam’s eyes as I answered this – it was just too amusing for words. I nodded slowly and acted like I was contemplating the question rather than struggling to keep my laughs inside. “Yeah, most of the time. I haven’t ended up homeless yet, anyway, so I’ll take that as a win.”
When laughter tinkled around the table, I felt the last of the tension float away. I breathed out a sigh of relief and finally braved a glance at Adam. He looked incredibly happy to be here, which had to be a win considering how much he was dreading this day earlier on. The fact that it had turned out surprisingly okay was a pleasant shock to both of us.
***
As I slid in the car next to Adam, ready to leave his parents’ home I was over the moon that we hadn’t been forced out in a hurry again. Thankfully, the whole day had been nice and we were able to leave at the end of the day like a normal couple.
“That was nice, wasn’t it?” I asked Adam as he joined me inside the car. “Not as painful as you thought it was going to be.”
“No. That’s true.” He nodded slowly. “I think that’s the best time I’ve ever had with them, so that’s something. And since it was all down to you, I think you should be proud of yourself.”
My cheeks tinged pink, I felt embarrassed under his scrutinizing gaze. “No it wasn’t just me. It was you, as well, you managed to hold your tongue and ignore them so they didn’t have anything to say to you.”
“That’s true. I am proud of myself about that. I wasn’
t sure I could do it, but somehow I did.”
I reached into my bag and grabbed out the final item in there, the one I was saving to last. “I didn’t want to give you this in front of everyone, but I got it to thank you for everything.” I shrugged, trying to act blasé but it wasn’t that at all. “The money, the bracelet, all of it.”
I gave him the parcel with my heart thumping in my chest. All of a sudden I felt anxious that it wasn’t right. I was so proud of my choice when I first picked it up, but now as I gave it to Adam, I wasn’t so sure. Just because I had a bit of money now, didn’t mean I had as much as him. He could’ve probably afforded so much better.
“I didn’t get you anything,” he gasped as he took the box from me. “I didn’t think.”
“No, no, I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted to get you something nice.”
I genuinely meant that. He’d already given me so much. I didn’t want anything else from him. I just hoped that he liked what I had for him. I clasped my hands together tightly as he unwrapped it slowly. I could barely contain myself, the nerves were too much…
“Oh my God, a watch?” Adam appeared really pleased as he saw it. “You got me a watch? And a nice one, too.”
As he tugged it around his wrist I couldn’t stop myself from grinning like a lunatic. “I couldn’t help noticing that you didn’t have one and since you have a lot of things… Well, I just wanted to get you something that you might like.”
The watch looked good on his wrist, and I loved that he would think of me every time he wore it. That happiness only swelled and grew when he pulled me in for a deep and passionate kiss. That was the moment I truly felt like I’d hit the jackpot.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Adam
Saturday
“Wake up,” I whispered into Lindsey’s ear, making her stir slightly in my bed. “Lindsey, I need you to wake up now.”
I could barely sit still, I felt like an excitable bunny about to explode from happiness. After the incredible gift she’d given me, which touched me because it was so thoughtful not because it had cost her a lot of money, a plan had been forming in her mind. Sure, I hadn’t gotten her a Christmas present yesterday, but that wasn’t on purpose. I just hadn’t thought because of all the stress with my family, but now I could make up for it.