by Alexa Davis
“That’s right, Lindsey, you don’t know. You don’t know anything, so don’t presume that you don’t have a right to talk about it.”
“Okay, fine. This is getting us nowhere, maybe we need to take a step back.”
“A giant step back.” He leaned across me and opened the door for me before indicating that I needed to get out. “So far that we will never see each other again.”
I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and talk things through, I wanted to find a way to make this right, but I could see that wouldn’t work. I unclipped my seat belt and slid out of the car. I bobbed my head down, trying to say something just to ensure that this wasn’t the be all and end all of all of it, but it was too late. Adam put his foot down and the gas and he burned off without a second glance backwards.
I watched him for a while. I stood on the sidewalk just watching, waiting for him to come back, but he wasn’t. He was long gone. I brushed my face, noticing a couple of tears there, and with a sense of crushing dissatisfaction I turned on my heels and I made my way up the stairs back home.
He’s gone, I told myself sadly. He really is gone. He might not come back. This might actually be the end.
I wasn’t ready for it to be the end, nowhere near, but it seemed I didn’t have any choice in the matter. I overstepped the mark, I pushed him too far, and now he was gone. It didn’t matter that I felt like I was definitely in the right, the damage was long done.
“Hey!” Denise called out as she sensed me coming inside. “You’re back early, is everything okay?”
With that, I burst into hysterical tears. I sobbed and fell into a pathetic heap on the floor. I couldn’t say anything, there weren’t any words to explain how devastated I was.
“Oh my goodness.” She grabbed me and she wrapped me into a hug. “What happened? Did someone die?”
“I…no…” I breathed in deeply, trying to calm myself down. “No death.”
“Okay. Come and sit on the couch with me, tell me what’s going on.”
She tucked her hands under my armpits and she lifted me upright. I let her carry me because I was a pathetic heap. My face was hot, my stomach sick, my head ached and throbbed. This was awful.
“Okay, come on, Lindsey, what’s happened? Did something happen with Adam last night? It seemed like everything was really good.”
That made me weep harder. New Year’s Eve had been such a lovely night, absolutely filled with promise and love. I almost actually blurted out the L word, that was how comfortable I felt. I held onto the notion that me and Adam were about to go the long haul, but now… Now there was nothing. We were done.
“Yeah, it was good. It was really good.” I just about calmed myself down enough to speak. “And then today, we went to his family home for dinner with his parents and brother.”
“Uh oh.” Denise pulled back to look at me. “The family. That spells trouble, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, it always does,” I replied sadly. “But this was the worst. This time as Brandon bit at Adam’s heels, Adam really flipped out. He went absolutely wild. I’ve never heard such horrible things. He said if Brandon died, he wouldn’t even go to his funeral.”
“Woah, that’s heavy.” Denise knew just as well as I did that was a sensitive subject for me. “Then what? How did you get involved?”
“I didn’t.” I shook my head rapidly. “I didn’t say anything. His mom and dad told them both to stop it but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t think it was my place to.”
“No…family arguments are a touchy subject. That’s something I’ve learned the hard way in the past. Just keep out.” Her phone bleeped with a message, but Denise ignored it to focus on me. “So, how did you end up arguing? I presume that’s what happened here?”
“Because,” I sighed loudly. “Because in the car afterwards, I told him he should make up with Brandon.”
“After he spoke to him like that?” Denise sounded horrified, as if I’d done something wrong. I gave her a glare, but she shrugged in a blasé manner. “What? I don’t think I’d want to make up with someone, brother or not, if he’d treated me like that.” I continued to stare at her as if she’d grown an extra head. “Max filled me in a bit last night. He told me about how it’s been, and I have to say I’m on Adam’s side.”
“What?” I screeched. “You were the one who told me to keep away from Adam, now you’re defending him.”
“Yeah, well that’s because of how the pair of you met. I thought it was weird that it started with the exchange of money. After last night, I saw the way he treated you and the way he looked at you. I also heard from Max what he’s been saying about you. I just think you shouldn’t throw that away because of a family argument that isn’t anything to do with you.”
Her phone bleeped again, but still she ignored it.
“So, you think I’m in the wrong?”
“Yes, I do think you’re in the wrong,” she confirmed. “I know you did it with the best intentions, but I think you might have overstepped a boundary.”
Her phone went off once more.
“What do you think I should do?” I gave Denise a desperate look. “How can I make this right?”
“I don’t know, babe; you probably want to give him some time to cool off first. Then you need to call him and talk to him about it in a calm and considered way.” She held onto my shoulders and stared deeply into my eyes. “If you really want this to happen, then you need to find a way to make it work. You need to make him listen to you, however hard you try.”
I nodded slowly, drinking those words in. “I do,” I whispered. “I do want to make it work. I really do. I haven’t ever felt this way about anyone before.”
“Then, girl, you gotta go get him.”
I rubbed my eyes pitifully and tried to raise a smile on my face. It wasn’t easy when I felt so messy inside, but I knew that a little change of subject would be enough to drag me out of this pit just a little bit.
“Who keeps messaging you?” I nodded towards her phone. “Someone pretty persistent by the look of it.”
She grabbed onto her phone and smiled as she stared at the screen. A pinkness tinged to her cheeks which could only mean one thing. She liked whoever it was texting her. But as her eyes flicked up to me and the guilty expression crossed her eyes, I knew it wasn’t going to be someone I liked.
“Uh oh, who is it?” I asked cautiously. “Have you got a new boyfriend that I don’t know anything about?”
“It isn’t that serious…it’s more of a reconnection.” She bit down on her bottom lip but she couldn’t contain her smile. “It’s Max, actually. That’s who it is. I know that’s pretty weird, but spending time together kinda brought our feelings back out.”
“Sounds like you’re in trouble then!”
Oh God, what if they managed to make it work and me and Adam didn’t? What if I had to be distantly connected to him forever with the small possibility that he would be at the same events as me? I wasn’t sure I could hack that, especially not with how I was currently feeling.
“Yeah, maybe.” Denise shrugged. “We’ll see.”
“Right.” I stood up and brushed myself down needing a moment to myself. “I’m going to go and clean myself up, thanks for the talk. I will see you later on.”
I couldn’t look at her as I walked away, I felt too sad and ashamed of myself. I didn’t want her to see the sheer sadness in my gaze, and I also didn’t want to collapse into sobs again. It was bad enough that I fell apart so badly once over something that hadn’t been going on for so long, I couldn’t let it happen a second time.
I wandered into my room and collapsed onto my bed in a heap. It wasn’t until I was spread across the bed that I noticed I still had my cell phone in my hand. I knew Denise recommended that I leave Adam a while to give him some time to cool off, but I couldn’t resist. I had to at least try.
My fingers shook as I hit dial, and they didn’t stop shaking as the phone rang and rang, all the way to voice
mail. He wasn’t answering my call. Whether that was because he was still behind the wheel of his car or whether it was because he saw that it was me and he didn’t want to speak to me, I didn’t know. The not knowing was killer, but what could I do?
I just had no idea what the hell I was going to do next. Maybe there was nothing I could do.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Adam
Friday
“Hmph, you there?” I muttered while patting the bed next to me. “Lindsey?” In my mind, she’d just been kissing me all over, her lips driving me crazy, but the bed was so cold that none of it could’ve been the truth. “You there?”
I bolted upright in bed at the realization hit me that I was completely alone – and for good reason, too. I acted like a crazy douche bag yesterday and had lashed out at absolutely everyone. I shot down Brandon for being a massive dick, I ignored my mom and my dad, too, just at the moment that things were potentially about to get good, and I yelled and swore at Lindsey. There was no coming back from that.
Mind you, there was no coming back from what she said to me, either.
My blood ran cold when I remembered her icy words. She actually thought that Brandon was okay by talking to me that way. The fact that my entire family had always treated Brandon like the golden boy affected me deeply. More than I ever could imagine. Of course, that was much more my father than my mother, but the damage was real.
It made my veins bubble and boil at the thought of Lindsey feeling the same way. The thought that she might prefer Brandon to me was killer. Or even if she thought that he was right even once. How could she think that she knew more than me? I’d been living it forever.
No, I shook my head angrily. No way. I couldn’t take it. I wouldn’t. I was better off without her. If she couldn’t see things from my point of view then I just didn’t need her.
I pushed myself off the bed and headed into the shower. I grabbed my cell phone to take with me, but as soon as I saw the number of missed called from Lindsey I dropped it like a hot potato. I didn’t want to even think about her trying to contact me. I didn’t want to speak with her ever again. As soon as I plucked up the courage, I would delete and block her number, hopefully to never speak with her again.
Once in the bathroom I flicked the water on and I slumped onto the toilet to throw my head into my hands. I’d felt pretty shitty in my life, I’d done many things I felt bad about this, but none of them as bad as this. I knew that Lindsey was a great girl in many ways; she was pretty, she was fun to be around, she was awesome, she got on with my family, and she made the kids at the orphanage happy, too. It was just a shame that she would never be the one for me. Not now.
I stepped under the steaming jets of water and tried to unwind. I needed the heat to loosen up my muscles, but it didn’t do a damn thing. I was as tense and stressed as ever. Spiteful thoughts swirled around and around in my mind until I couldn’t think anymore.
Fucking Brandon, what a horrible jerk… Screw him…screw all of them… Lindsey, too. How dare she say that Brandon had something else to be sad about?
I mean, what could he possibly have to cause him pain? What could possibly bother him? He had it all… my father’s love, the job he loved, his wife. Just because I hated her, didn’t mean he did. He had everything. There was no reason in hell to assume that he had anything wrong. He was just an asshole, the sooner Lindsey came to realize that, the better.
Not that she’d come to realize anything. She was gone now. Not coming back.
Knock, knock… Knock, knock… Knock, knock…
Oh my God, I couldn’t catch a break. With sheer rage bursting through me I jumped out of the shower and raced to the front door with Lindsey’s face in my head. I had a feeling she’d be dumb enough to come to the house to try and sort things out. I did not want to see her, and I’d soon let her know…
“Oh. Mom, it’s you.” My rage trailed off as soon as I realized this wasn’t the person I needed to feel angry at. This was Mom, someone who always tried to stick up for me even if she did so quietly. I couldn’t be mad at her no matter what. “Come inside.”
As she entered into my house, she stumbled a little, which left my grabbing out to catch her. She wasn’t usually one to stumble. I’d never noticed her struggling before, but there was something about the trip then that grabbed my attention and dragged it away from all the petty bullshit in my life. I narrowed my eyes at her and tried to work out what was going on.
“Mom, are you okay? What’s going on?”
“Oh sure, I’m fine.” She rubbed her forehead, looking flustered. “I think with all the stress last night I didn’t sleep much, so I’m tired. How are you doing?”
Guilt flooded me. I hated how much all of this affected her. I knew it wasn’t fair but what could I do? I tried being the bigger person. I didn’t react over Christmas, I behaved myself and it still made no difference. I hoped Mom understood that it wasn’t me.
“Pissed off about it all, but it’s just standard, isn’t it? Same old, same old, nothing is going to change. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, and I’m sure it’ll continue on.”
Mom took a seat in my dining room, collapsing into the seat as if she was weary. I remained where I was for a moment just watching her. Had she always looked so weak? Did I spend so much time focused on the fight with my family that I forgot to pay attention to Mom?
“I wish something would change,” she said sadly. “I hate it being so fraught all the time. I thought that Lindsey coming into the picture would change things…”
I huffed loudly and took a seat by her. My eyes fell closed as I had to confess the damn truth. “Well, I don’t think you need to worry about that anymore. Lindsey is gone.”
“What do you mean, gone?” Mom looked horrified and I could hardly blame her. It wasn’t exactly a secret that she loved Lindsey, she wouldn’t be impressed about what had happened.
“We’re done, Mom.” I ripped the band aid off rapidly, trying to ease the pain. “It’s over.”
“Over?” She gasped as if she was actually physically hurt. “Why?”
I hung my head low, hating the sensation that I was a crushing disappointment yet again. Just for once I would like to be the person who made my family proud, but that ship had long sailed. Any other family would be proud of someone who spent their time giving something back, like I did to the orphanage, but I didn’t have a normal family.
“We just are, Mom. It’s done and that’s the end of it.” She gave me a look, forcing me to continue. “She just said a load of bullshit last night about what I said to Brandon…”
“Yeah, I can’t imagine that went down well since she doesn’t have her family anymore.”
I did not need that reminder. “I know, Mom. Obviously, I wasn’t thinking when I said that, but she still didn’t need to stick up for Brandon, did she? She didn’t need to say that I was the one in the wrong when he started. He always starts it, you know that better than anyone.”
“Yeah, I’ll give you that,” she agreed quietly. “I know he always starts it, but that’s because he’s jealous of you.” I rolled my eyes. I knew that much. “And now he’s even more jealous of you. You’ve got someone in your life that you love and that loves you back.”
“He’s married, Mom. Don’t forget that.”
“Yeah, he is married. Married to that woman.” She shook her head rapidly. “He isn’t happy with her, is he? Any idiot can see that. He got married to her because she’s beautiful and your father liked her. He thought she’d be a good shot, I guess in his short sighted way he thought it’d be okay. Little did he know that she’d be turn out to be…well, exactly how she is.”
“Yeah…maybe.” I could understand that. Helen was an awful person, truly terrible. One of the worst people that I’d ever met. I suppose Brandon had to see it really, even if he didn’t want to. “But what has that got to do with me? Precisely nothing.”
“Oh, sweetie, can’t you just go an
d make it right?”
Of course that was why she was here. She wanted everything to be okay again to make her life easier. Just because of the sorry look she was giving me and the way she didn’t look great, I almost agreed to do it, but I couldn’t. There was no way. Brandon and I had been through too much. I’d tried and failed. I always kept my problems to myself, I didn’t make them his. There wasn’t any reason for him to make his problems mine.
“Mom, there isn’t going to be any come back from this, what’s done is done. I would love to do it for you but I can’t. I can’t keep dealing with his shit, it’s killing me. I can’t keep worrying about what shitty thing he’s going to say next. I just don’t want to know him anymore. He’s toxic, and I need him out of my life.”
Mom sighed loudly and that guilt was back, but I couldn’t keep living for other people. It wasn’t right. If there was one thing I’d learned in all of this mess, it was that I needed to live for me. “I understand. I mean, it’s a massive shame to see my boys fighting. I would much rather everyone be friends, but it isn’t going to happen that way.” She paused for a moment before she took my hand. “But what about Lindsey? You can’t lose her over this.”
I snatched my hand away and huffed. I couldn’t deal with this any longer, I’d done nothing but think about it. My brain had gone round and round in circles, thinking about this from every angle and the answer was still the same.
“Mom, I just told you that I need to get rid of everything toxic. That includes Lindsey.”
“Oh, Adam. Don’t be silly!” she started speaking to me like I was a child. “Lindsey isn’t toxic; she was just trying to make you see things from another point of view.”
“I don’t need to see this from anyone else’s point of view. I need to see it from my own. I can’t keep doing any of this for everyone else. I’m sick of making everyone happy. I’m sorry, I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but that’s how it is.”
Mom sighed and pushed her chair backwards, getting ready to leave. As she did, I could see the sheer agony on her face. I wasn’t sure if that was to do with me or something to do with her current condition, but I didn’t feel brave enough to ask. I already felt bad enough about myself, I didn’t need her words making me feel worse.