by Alexa Davis
“I suppose I better go then.” She stared down at me hard. “Just think about your relationships, Adam. You don’t want to end up a very lonely man, do you? I know that you don’t.”
I didn’t answer her, but I didn’t have to. She knew that I didn’t want to end up by myself as well as I did. But what was I supposed to do next? How could I get out of this mess with my sanity intact?
Chapter Thirty-Four
Lindsey
(One week later)
Friday
Still nothing. How can there still be nothing?
I felt like I’d spent the last week staring at my phone more often than ever before. I was so desperate for Adam to respond to one of my messages or calls that it was killing me. Every apology, every explanation, every single word had gone ignored. It was driving me crazy. It seemed that he really did want me out of his life, after all.
“Everything alright?” Denise asked me cautiously. “You look a little down.”
“Just…” I held up my cell phone to show her. “Still nothing. It’s killer.”
I wanted to ask her if Max had said anything to her, but since she hadn’t mentioned him in a week, I wasn’t sure what was happening. Maybe she was keeping quiet so as not to hurt my feelings, or maybe things had fizzled out again. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know.
“So what are you going to do? I suppose there isn’t much you can do if he isn’t speaking to you.” Denise gave me an intensely sympathetic look. “I know it’s hard, but maybe you should think about moving on. Find someone new to focus your attention on.”
In a way she was right, but I wasn’t about to move on romantically. Not when my fragile heart still loved the man who definitely didn’t love me back. There was no way I could even consider another man, it made me shrivel inside to even think of. But, I did want to focus my attentions elsewhere. I needed something to distract me from my silent phone.
“I want to get back to work,” I told her quietly. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I can’t rest on my laurels for too long. I know I have the nest egg to settle back on, but I really want to get back to it.”
“Oh well, that’s good.” Her face broke into a smile as she stepped away from me. “I think that’ll be really good for you. At least that way, you can go into it now with options. You don’t have to take any job that doesn’t feel right to you.”
I nodded in agreement. I didn’t want to focus on the money side of acting anyway, I just needed someone else’s skin to step into for a while. “Yeah, I think I’ll go and see Vivian today. See what she can find for me. I think I need to make things up a bit with her, anyway. I don’t want to be fallen out with my agent.”
“Yeah. That sounds like something positive you can do. I think you should.”
I moved into my bedroom to get dressed and as I did I put in a call to Vivian’s office to prepare her for my arrival this time. I couldn’t go in all guns blazing again. It didn’t exactly work out for me last time, I ended up getting told I was overweight, so I needed to begin this meeting on a much better footing.
Once I felt comfortable in the skinny jeans and tee shirt I was wearing, I grabbed my keys and left the apartment. On the walk to the subway station, I tried to find my inner fire or maybe just some positivity, but it wasn’t there. I’d been like an empty husk for a week, and that sensation just wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe Denise was right, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten involved in family drama – it didn’t work out. I wasn’t sure how I would have felt had my family been alive and Adam done that to me, but I guessed that was just one of those things I wouldn’t ever find out.
Maybe this was all just supposed to be a learning curve, maybe Adam wasn’t ever the one – he was just someone for me to learn from. It was just a shame that everything with him felt like it was all I’d ever needed.
I need to forget about Adam, I told myself crossly. He’s gone now, and he’s made it very clear that he’s never coming back. This is what I need to do. I have to concentrate on something else.
I stared out the window into the blackness of the subway tunnel, trying to think of anything but Adam, but there was only him…
Is it always going to be this way? Will I ever recover from this?
***
“So, you came back then,” Vivian asked with a smirk. “A part of me thought that you wouldn’t. Seems you’re made of tougher stuff than I thought.”
I bit the inside of my mouth to stop myself from arguing. Vivian wanted a reaction from me, and I wasn’t going to give it to her. It was time to take some of my own advice and to be the bigger person. I just had to breathe calmly to sort myself out.
“I just want to start working, Vivian. I don’t want to be out of the game for too long.”
“Hmm. Well, it has been a long time.” She tapped her chin in mock thought. “But I suppose I might have something for you. It might not comply with all your rules, though.”
My heart sunk, but I tried my hardest not to let my discomfort show on my face. I wrapped my fingers tightly around the bottom of the chair so I could squeeze out some of my frustrations while I kept the bright, fake smile on my face. “Please, tell me more.”
“It’s a period piece. A small budget movie about a young girl trying to defy her father’s wishes for her to marry a Duke who’s known for being a cruel beast. I think there’s a rumor that he killed his first wife, but he’s very rich so her father doesn’t care.
“Okay…that doesn’t sound too bad.” I could already feel it, even before it came. There had to be something about this job that I wasn’t going to like. My back straightened as my spine stiffened, but still I kept the smile there as much as I could manage.
“There’s some partial nudity in it, though. Nothing like the other audition I sent you to, but it’s there. Do you want to see a script?”
This was my last chance with Vivian, I could just sense it. The problem with agents was also that being blacklisted from one meant being blacklisted from them all. I wasn’t sure that I had the talent to keep on going on without her. Plus, maybe a little but of nudity wouldn’t be too bad. I certainly had to give it a try.
“Sure, yes please. I’d like to see the script.”
“Read it quick, though,” she insisted. “I need to know by the end of the day if you want to do it. This is the sort of thing that people will move very fast on.”
I took the papers from her and scanned my eyes rapidly over the pages. At a first glance it appeared to be a very well written script. I’d seen plenty of sloppily designed speech before but this looked amazing. “Okay, great. I’ll take it home and have a look over it. Then I’ll call you later on and give you my answer.”
Vivian leaned back in her seat and she gave me a curious look. “There’s something different about you today, Lindsey. You aren’t the nervous butterfly that I’m used to, or the crazy bull in a china shop. You look like maybe you’ve grown up a bit.” She snapped her fingers loudly. “Oh my God, I’ve figured it out. You’re in love.”
Nope, I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t sit here and have this conversation. I needed to hastily make my exit. I scraped my chair back and pushed myself into a standing position all while keeping my embarrassed eyes very firmly fixed on the floor.
“I don’t know what you mean. I think it’s the first one. I’ve just grown up a bit. I think I better get going now. Thank you, Vivian. Goodbye.”
Her cackle followed me all the way down the hallway as I stomped out of her office. I didn’t want her to be able to see right through me, but it seemed that she could. She knew that I was in love…not that it had gotten me very far. The way I felt at the moment it would be the first and only time, as well. I didn’t ever want to feel this sheer agony again, it was horrible.
Don’t think about Adam… I thought with each and every step. Think about being… I glanced at the script. Lucy Roberts instead. Forget about Lindsey, just be her.
As I walked back to the subway stati
on I couldn’t help but think that a little bit of nudity would have saved me from all this mess. If I’d just done the part in the first place, I never would have met Adam, then I wouldn’t be in this tangled mess right now. I’d probably be on my way to some sort of fame and fortune right now…an idea that was much more appealing.
***
My eyes scanned over the page again and again. I read the scene with the nudity in until my eyes felt like they might bleed. I couldn’t decide whether or not it was something I wanted to do and it was killing me. My nipple would be on screen – for only a moment, but that was enough. That pushed everything that I’d set up for myself away, but maybe that was what I needed. Maybe I needed to forget about my rules just for now. I also couldn’t forget that this would be my last chance.
“You’re frowning at that piece of paper really hard,” Denise teased as she lifted her eyes out of her cell phone. “What is it? The answer to life?”
“I wish,” I chuckled. “It’s just another audition.” I pressed my palm up against my forehead in distress. “I think this might be my last chance with Vivian, as well, which means if I don’t go for it, I might have to consider another career entirely.”
“Oh God, that sounds serious. So what is it?”
“A regency romance part. A good one really, but there is a bit of nudity.”
“Ooh…” Denise steeled herself. I could sense that I was in for a bit of a lecture. “Is sticking to your morals more important than acting? I’m not judging, just asking. I think that’s what you need to work out. If you don’t want to pursue it, then maybe you do need to look at another career options. Is there anything else you want to do?”
I shrugged half heartedly. I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else in the world, and I didn’t think that I had the talent for it, either. Acting was all I knew, it was all I’d ever done. I just couldn’t see any other path for me. It was worth a whole lot to me, but was it worth this?
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s best for me anymore. I think I might just be a little bit of a mess.”
Tears welled behind my eyes and before I could stop it one splashed down my cheek. All the overwhelming emotions that I’d pushed down while I dealt with all of this came flooding to the surface and flew out of me.
“Oh, Lindsey, don’t be sad.” She slung one arm over my shoulder. “It isn’t that bad, there’s always a way out. Why don’t you just go to this audition then you can see a bit better. That’ll give you a better indication if this is something you want to do or not.”
I couldn’t help but nod, that actually sounded like a smart idea. I would call Vivian, tell her I was going to give it a go, then either got for it or rule it out there and then. I couldn’t make an informed decision until I at least tried.
“When did you get so wise, Denise?” I teased. “Thank you. That’s what I’ll do.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Adam
Saturday
“Your hair needs cutting far too often,” Max teased playfully. “I’m sure you must be my best customer, and you don’t even pay me most of the time.”
“I’ll pay you today,” I insisted. “And, I always give you cash when I remember.”
“I know, I know.” He pulled back to take a look at what he’d done to me. “I’m just winding you up. There I think that looks okay, what do you think?”
I twisted my head from side to side. “Sure looks good. Thanks, buddy.” I turned the chair around to look at him. “Now you need to tell me what’s going on with you. You’ve had that funny look on your face all morning. It’s driving me crazy trying to figure out what it means.”
Instantly, Max rearranged his face, but I wasn’t about to be fooled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t had a funny look at all. I’ve just been focused on cutting your hair.” But his eyes were everywhere – he had a secret and I was going to find out what it was.
“Something is going on with you. Please, for the love of God put me out of my misery, take me away from my problems, and tell me what it is.”
“Okay.” He held up his hands in a defeated gesture. “I’ll tell you, I will. But first you need to tell me about all of your problems. I want to hear it, get it out of the way, then you can look forward to my sordid secret to help you get over it.”
“Ooh, it’s sordid?” I wiggled my eyebrows. “Well then, I’ll have to tell you.”
Unfortunately, that meant I was going to have to actually tell him all the things that I really didn’t want to discuss. I wasn’t in the mood at all, but I also knew that sharing it would help me to recover just a little bit. I just needed a moment to steel myself first.
“Well, just like all the problems in my life, it started with an argument with Brandon.”
Max rolled his eyes. “Of course, it did. The bane of your life.”
“Exactly. He was being a dick, saying all the stuff he usually says about me doing nothing with my life, nothing will ever change, all of that…”
“Sticking his nose in where it wasn’t wanted, typical Brandon.”
At least Max understood, he was always on my side. Knowing that I always had him to defend me made me feel a little less alone in the world.
“Right, I know. So I tried not to react, but he was getting worse and worse and then I just exploded.” I shook my head, now feeling just that little bit regretful about the memory. I didn’t much like to think about it now, but that wasn’t because I felt like I was wrong. “I mean, yeah I definitely said some really shitty things to him, but it had been a long time coming.”
“What did you say?” Max looked wary as he asked me this.
“I said that I wouldn’t go to his funeral if he died. Erm, probably that he was dead to me, all kinds of stuff. But it doesn’t matter because I just won’t ever talk to him again.”
“Okay…” Max trailed off and he gave me an expectant look. “I’m assuming that there’s more to the story since you’ve got that look in your eye. You wouldn’t ever look that hurt about Brandon, I know you don’t care that much about him.”
I sighed loudly and hung my head low. “No, this is also about Lindsey because she was there when it happened.” Max pursed his lips as if he didn’t want to know what happened next. I didn’t really want to tell him, but I’d started now so I needed to continue. “She kinda stuck up for Brandon, saying that I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that, and that he was probably hurting about something else which was why he lashed out at me.”
“Do you think he was?” he asked curiously. “Hurting, I mean?”
“I dunno, who cares?” Max couldn’t do this to me as well, I’d go fucking insane. “Mom did suggest that he might be having some trouble with Helen, but that’s not my problem, who gives a shit?”
“I only ask because Lindsey might be right about that point. Maybe he’s bringing you down because misery loves company.”
“I don’t know.” I threw my hands up in the air in a defeated gesture. “And, I don’t care. I just want him out of my life for good.”
Max paused for a moment before he asked me the next question. I could almost see the cogs in his brain ticking as he tried to plan out how to word it. “And, what about Lindsey? What happened there? Do you never intend to see her again either?”
I squeezed my eyes shut for a second while I tried to rid my brain of her face. I just didn’t want to think about her, I wanted to pretend that she didn’t even exist because then I could eventually get my life back on the track it was before she turned up.
“I don’t think I will see her again, Max. I can’t trust her after she took Brandon’s side.”
“That’s a real shame; you looked so happy at New Year’s. I’ve never seen you like that.”
Fuck, this was hard. Harder than I’d anticipated. I needed to change the subject and fast. “Tell me your gossip now. I’m sick of talking about my life.” But just as Max parted his lips to finally reveal all, my ce
ll phone blasted out its annoying ring tone. “Oh, hold on.” I didn’t even look at the name on the screen, I just hit answer. “Hello?”
“Adam, it’s me.”
“Dad?” He was worried. I could hear it pouring out of his mouth. “What’s going on? Has something happened?” A million and one scenarios flooded my mind, none of them good. There had to be some reason that my father would randomly call me, especially sounding like the world had come to an end.
“It’s your mother.”
As soon as he said those words the world fell out from underneath my feet. I felt myself stagger and almost fall to the ground. Mom, my wonderful mother, the only person in my family who truly gave anything of a shit about me. Something had happened to her and I didn’t know what. The image of her at my home only a short time ago not quite looking herself made me feel sick to my stomach. She was ill – this was really bad.
“Son, I think you need to get yourself to the hospital, right away.”
My cell phone fell to the ground with a clatter and my legs jellified. I was so dizzy that I couldn’t see anything – all I could hear was my thumping heart pumping ice cold blood around my body. Somewhere in the distance, I wasn’t quite sure where, I could hear Max’s voice, but I couldn’t pick out the words.
Oh God, Mom. What have we done to you? I thought desperately to myself. I didn’t mean for things to get so bad, I will even make up with Brandon for you…anything…
“Adam?” As Max touched me I leapt about ten feet in the air. I stared at his face but I could barely recognise him. He looked like a stranger to me. “We really do need to get to the hospital now. Your mother has the MRSA virus and…it’s bad.” His words were to shock me, to get me moving, but they felt distant and disconnected from me. I could barely feel them at all. “We need to go now, okay? So I’m going to call us a cab and get over there.”