THE ONE YOU CANNOT HAVE

by Preeti Shenoy

  This is what it said for my zodiac sign: You will realize early this fortnight that progress depends upon your willingness to work diligently and remain focused on details. It is definitely time to get down to business, to focus on work, and finish anything that has been left undone. You are laying a foundation for the future, proving to yourself and others that you are worthy of the responsibilities and challenges.The temptation to shirk will be strong, but do not give in. ‘Focus’ should be the mantra.

  And this is what it said for your zodiac sign:

  Your energy is strong and focused. You can concentrate even when work becomes routine and boring. You are in a crucial stage in your life, but you have got the energy and a take-no-prisoners attitude that will lead you to success. The best way to balance such determination is to get in touch with nature: take a walk in the woods; sit at the edge of the lake; feel the earth and her connection with it.

  Looks like Praneeta Menon can read my mind! I had half a mind to take sick leave (a massive hangover and inability to focus on work counts as an ailment, right?) but I am trying to do what she advises and I am trying to ‘Focus’.

  What about you? Is your day any better? Are you that focused?

  Luv

  Anjali

  I smile as I read her mail. Judging from her earlier mails, this is vintage Anjali. She just dashes off what’s on her mind in a mail without pausing to think. And she doesn’t mind if you do not reply. In the early days, I used to find it puzzling how someone could write so many mails. But I had soon got used to it. Anjali was born to write. Today I am happy about it.

  I see at least thirty ‘Urgent’ mails in my official inbox, all work-related and yet this one mail from Anjali in my personal one, I decide, needs to be replied to immediately.

  From: Aman Mathur

  To: Anjali Prabhu

  Re: Your forecast for this fortnight

  Hey hey!

  Praneeta Menon is right. I am focused. Slogging my butt off. The works (literally and metaphorically).

  And I so need that walk in the woods, the edge of the lake and I need to feel connected to the earth.

  Any options?

  Aman

  The rest of the day I have meetings and video conference calls and so I don’t get time to check mails.

  However, when I reach the guesthouse and retire to my room after a sumptuous meal which the staff has kept ready (they are so efficient and sweet and pamper the residents), the first thing I do is check my mail.

  Sure enough, there is not one but two mails from Anjali, one from Vikram and there is one from Mark. I want to savour Anjali’s mails, so like a child, who saves a chocolate for later, I read Vikram’s mail first. It is crisp, friendly and yet to the point, much like the man himself.

  Aman,

  Trust all fine with you.

  Good progress on the work front. Am travelling from tomorrow and if all goes well, we ought to acquire Core-Cubo ACS, which will be fantastic.

  About your acco, I think there are some fully furnished options. Dipika can help you look if you want. Both the girls say hi and want to know when you will join us for dinner next. Let me know.

  Vik

  I am surprised at how cleverly Dipika is playing her cards, even after what has happened between us, and even after I have clearly told her I can’t give her whatever it is that she wants from me. I wonder if Dipika planned it and told Vikram to mail me or whether it is his own idea. Whatever it is, I certainly do not want to go house-hunting with her. About Vikram’s dinner-invite, I can always make excuses and keep putting it off. I don’t want to have another ‘episode’ with Dipika. I am clear about that.

  Then I read Mark’s mail. Mark has gone ahead and booked his tickets to travel to India. He arrives in about a month and a half from now and he is taking a three-week break. He is travelling to Delhi first. He is then doing white water rafting at Rishikesh and after a week, he flies to Bangalore. He says that he wants me to help plan his itinerary and asks me to join him.

  Then I read the mails sent by Anjali. I read the one sent earlier first.

  From: Anjali Prabhu

  To: Aman Mathur

  Sub: Options

  1.Coorg (nice walks)

  2.Sakleshpur (coffee estates—you can substitute it for woods)

  3.Bandipur (wildlife, nature—connection with earth)

  All three can be reached from Bangalore, in three-four hours.

  But if you do not have time for any of them, my terrace is a great option. I have deck chairs and greenery all around, and it makes you feel like you are in the midst of woods.

  See—you ask for options and I give you so many!

  Got an article to write. Jeena on my ass to submit.

  Later!

  Anjali

  I smile reading her options and for a few seconds, I actually consider a quick holiday. A weekend getaway. Honestly, a break like that, would be a terrific idea. But there is such a lot of work, and also I have to find a home soon and shift out of the guesthouse. While the company guesthouse hospitality is welcoming and everything is taken care of, I will not be able to stay for more than three months as per company norms. I make a mental note to call up the company brokers and go house-hunting. I wonder if Anjali would like to accompany me. I find it boring to see homes on my own and it would indeed be nice if she does.

  The second mail from Anjali is an article she wrote. She says that she felt moved by what I shared with her, about my relationship with Shruti. She says that while she hasn’t been in such a situation herself, she has hand-held countless friends who have broken up. She wants me to read what she has written and give her a honest feedback as to how I find it, whether it is useful and whether she has covered all the points. She says she partly used what I shared with her too, and that is what gave her an impetus to write this piece. I find her request hugely flattering. I open the attachment and begin to read:

  How to Get Over the One You Cannot Have

  By Anjali Prabhu

  If you are in your mid-twenties or older, chances are you have definitely been in a relationship before. Perhaps two or three or may be even several. They have ended for whatever reasons, but sometimes, there is that one person, no matter how hard one tries, that one cannot get over.

  The harder one tries to get over that person, the deeper they seem to fall for them. Loving somebody who does not reciprocate your feelings or who cannot be in a relationship with you, can be one of the most painful experiences of life. It can be heartbreaking and can completely shatter one. More so, if you encounter that person every single day at the work-place or at college.

  How does one get over that one person, who will never be yours (for whatever reasons), and then move on?

  Here is a five step plan which if followed is very likely to help.

  1. Acceptance

  The first would be to ask oneself if one really wants to move on. Have you accepted that this person and you are never going to have a relationship and you cannot even be friends? Have you decided that you truly want to get over them and move on with your life?

  2. Axe the sentimentalism

  If so, then one has to be ruthless, hard-hearted and determined. Remember, you are trying to reclaim your life. You do not want to keep checking out their photos on social networking sites. So block that person and delete all the old mails, chats, texts and any reminders of the past. The more you hold on to them, the harder it will be to get over the person.

  3. Distract yourself

  The moment you find your mind wandering to their thoughts and what they used to say, do, look and sound like, distract yourself quickly. Show a red light to your mind and ask it to STOP. Hit the gym, go for a walk, do something, but don’t think about that pe
rson.

  4. Remind yourself that you are loved

  Just because that person does not love you, it does not mean you are worthless and your life is going nowhere. Remind yourself of the people who love you—your best friends, your family. Spend more time with them and surround yourself with them. If you have had relationships before, then think of how you overcame them. If you did it once, you can surely do it again. Also remember that there are new people waiting to enter your life. Just like we need to get rid of clutter to make space for something on a shelf, so too we need to clean up our mental space.

  5. Drown yourself in a hobby or a passion

  One is spoilt for choices when it comes to recreation these days. Take up your once forgotten hobby. Join a dance class. Go para-sailing if that is what makes you happy. Do not wallow trying to figure out why that person does not want you. Remind yourself that you are truly worth more than clinging to somebody who does not care in the same manner you do.

  It may be hard to follow the above initially. But steel yourself and do not waver. Before you know it, you would have reclaimed your life.

  I read the piece once and I read it again. This seems to have been written exactly with me in mind. It seems to be speaking to me. I feel as though Anjali is begging me, pleading with me to move on and let the past lie. Of course, that is what I intend to do. What she has written is excellent. I feel an overpowering urge to speak to her right then and so I dial her number. I am disappointed when she doesn’t answer the phone.

  I get busy typing out a reply to Mark, telling him that by the time he arrives, I would probably be in my own house, and hence he could stay with me. I tell him that I will plan out an itinerary for him soon.

  Just as I am concluding the mail, Anjali returns my call.

  ‘Hey, sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower,’ she says.

  ‘Shower at this time in the night?’ I smile.

  ‘Yeah, at this time and I am wearing a bathrobe and speaking to you,’ she says and giggles.

  I smile at how candid and unself-conscious she is.

  ‘Your piece, it is brilliant. It is so well-written, I had to call you and tell you,’ I say.

  ‘Yay!’ she says. ‘I am so glad you like it. You know, I wrote that with you in mind.’

  ‘I know. That’s why I called. You seem to know me so well, Anjali.’

  She is quiet for a while. I wonder if the connection in the phone line dropped.

  ‘Hello, are you there?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah, very much. You know what, Aman, I feel the same way too. I feel I have known you forever. All my life,’ she says.

  We talk for a long time after that. I tell her about Mark and his visit to India. She says she has never interacted with people from a different country and she finds it fascinating that I have English friends. I tell her they aren’t that different, and that no matter what the colour of your skin, human emotions are the same everywhere. Then I tell her about how I have to find a fully-furnished home soon. She offers to go with me and I gladly accept.

  I realise that I am slowly but surely getting emotionally entangled with Anjali even though I have no intention to move her to the ‘relationship zone’ from ‘the good friend’ zone. My logical mind tells me to stay away from relationships and to focus on my career instead. It reminds me of what a wonderful thing I had with Shruti and how it all ended, and how two years later it still hurts, although I have learnt to cope with it better. The logical part of me remembers the pain and hurt and disappointments that relationships come with. How even the best ones die out and all that remains is the embers that still burn.

  And yet, despite all of that, Anjali seems to be a balm to my wounds, and despite not wanting to get involved with her, I am unable to stop myself.

  Chapter 17

  Shruti

  My illness turns out to be nothing at all. Just a day of rest and I feel fine. I was probably right—it must have been indigestion. I am glad that I didn’t go rushing to the doctor who would have in all likeliness ordered a battery of tests. Even though I am very tempted by Asha’s suggestion—to contact Aman once more, and try and meet him, if only to get some sort of a closure—I don’t do anything about it.

  Asha, of course, confronts me the next day in the bus on the way to work.

  ‘So, are you okay now?’ she asks as she sits down beside me.

  When I reply that I am indeed okay, she straightaway asks me, ‘Did you write to him? Find out how he is? Where he is?’

  ‘No Asha, I didn’t.’

  ‘But why? You want to know, na,’ she persists.

  ‘I do, but what good will it do me? I am married now. It’s been almost two years.’

  ‘Come on. Just because you are married, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to know!’

  ‘It isn’t about rights, Asha, it is about duties and responsibilities.’

  ‘Stop talking like a sixty-year-old! What duties and responsibilities? Has Rishabh even spoken to you for the last one month? Is he even bothered about what you might be feeling?’

  ‘He is hurt, Asha. He feels he has been wronged. I guess he will come around, eventually.’

  ‘Haan, so let him. There is nothing wrong in contacting Aman. I am telling this to you, as a friend. You know, I had this relationship with a senior from my college. But we broke up, much like you and your Aman. I wondered how he was and what he is doing. I contacted him after about six years. He too is married like me and he has a daughter. He has settled down in New Zealand and is happy. We still keep in touch through mails and phone-calls. We’re good friends now and we are happy with our respective families. Had I not made that effort in contacting him, I would have probably always wondered and maybe even felt guilty. But now I gained a good friend and so did he. That is why I am urging you to contact him. You have nothing to lose.’

  I think about what Asha has just said. Perhaps she has a point there. But we don’t get a chance to speak further as another colleague joins us and this is something which is just between Asha and me. So we change the topic and talk about inane stuff.

  Once we reach office, we get busy in our work, but we catch up again during lunch hour, at the cafeteria. We always have lunch together and today we take a table which can seat just two people. Asha senses I want to talk. We continue exactly where we left off. I am very curious now about this double-life that Asha seems to be leading. Okay—not exactly a double life but a secret that she has so carefully tucked away.

  ‘But what about your spouses? Do they know you are both still in touch? Do they know about your relationship and are they okay with that?’ I ask.

  ‘He hasn’t told his wife. But I have told Gaurav and have kept him in the picture. I downplayed the relationship part of course. I told him it was just a crush, which it probably was. All these college romances are just that. They don’t last,’ says Asha as she twirls her fork around the noodles that she is having.

  How do I make Asha understand that it was never that casual between Aman and me? We were serious about each other. I don’t think Asha will get the intensity and depth of what I shared with Aman. Aman and I were meant to be together. Forever. Or so we had thought. Neither he nor I, ever had envisaged a life without the other. It was simply unthinkable in both our books.

  ‘I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem right, being in touch with your ex without your spouse knowing,’ I say.

  ‘Arey! I am telling you Gaurav knows. It is just that he doesn’t know how close a friend he is. About his wife, I can’t do anything but I can understand where he is coming from. Come on, Shruti. You have been married what— nearly two years? I have been married eleven. And trust me, it is hard to stay “confined” to only your spouse. Marriages are strange things. They are all shiny and glossy when they start out, but become jaded with time. I know how it is. Maybe it’s just early days for you and
that’s why you talk about “right” and “wrong” in marriage. There aren’t any absolute rights or wrongs,’ says Asha.

  I know there is some truth in what Asha has just said. I have been married nearly two years and I have already begun to feel stifled. The newness of the relationship has indeed worn out. I cannot imagine how Rishabh and I will be in eleven years’ time. I can’t even think of the next five years to be honest. I know I cannot put off having a child forever. But will I ever feel ready? Right now, I certainly don’t and talking to Asha who is in a particularly pontificating mood today, is making me consider my options.

  ‘I guess so,’ I say lamely to her little speech, not knowing what to add.

  ‘Yeah, babe. Being married—it’s a bitch. At least we can make it comfortable by having good friends who are supportive and, as far as I am concerned, I am glad I have Navin. That is his name by the way,’ she says. And when she says it, her eyes light up. She looks happy. Light. Different. As though she has no more worries in the world.

  It takes me a moment to figure out that she is talking about the guy she broke up with, but who is a ‘good friend’ now. It is amazing how she transforms before my very eyes, when she mentions his name.

  ‘So Navin is the one you cannot have, eh?’ I tease her.

  ‘No, I already have him. Only his wife doesn’t know,’ she says and smiles.

  I do not know what to say to her ‘relationship’ with Navin. But I am nobody to pass judgement on the way she has chosen to lead her life.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that, Shruti, it is okay. After all, I do everything for my husband as well as my son. I also look after his mother, to boot. I deserve some happiness, something exclusively for myself. Navin and I are very discreet about it. We will never have a physical relationship. But emotionally we feel the connect with each other. In fact, I often tell him that he is the glue in my marriage. But for him, my marriage would have fallen apart long back. He gives me a man’s perspective and because of Navin, I am able to understand Gaurav better. I wouldn’t have normally shared all this, but I do feel kind of bad to see you stuck in a rut like this and so I told you my views,’ she says.