The Incredibly Irritating Irishman: Book Three of the Conn-Mann Chronicles

by Rie Sheridan Rose

  The rest of the walk was spent in a lively discussion of what would be necessary for such an invention. It was extremely invigorating.

  After the bath was drawn—and Fred ensconced within it, having gotten lucky on a tossed coin—I realized there was another tub available at Aunt Emily’s house, and I needed to talk to Leonora anyway. I didn’t bother to take another change of clothing. Lavinia’s wardrobe still held plenty to choose from.

  I decided to go around back so I dirtied up as little of the house as possible with the stench of Five Points. Vanessa was in the kitchen rolling biscuits when I opened the kitchen door.

  “Good Lord! What is that smell?” she cried, turning to me. “Where have you been, Miss Josephine?”

  “I’ve been back to Five Points.”

  “Why on earth would you go back to that terrible place?”

  “I needed to make sure Seamus O’Leary hadn’t returned to bother Martha. I wanted to see that she was alright. Is Mrs. Conn still here?”

  “She’s packing in her chambers. But you can’t go in to her like that!”

  “I was hoping to utilize your tub first...”

  Vanessa sighed. “I’ll put on the kettles. You go on to the bath and get out of those clothes.”

  I did so, stopping by Lavinia’s bedchamber first to choose clean things. When I opened the bath chamber door, I found Leonora bustling about inside.

  “Ah, there you are. Vanessa said you had something to discuss with me?”

  “Yes. Would you consider a recommendation for your new staff?”

  “You want me to convince Martha Douglas to be my housekeeper,” she said, folding the thick towels.

  “How—?” I turned to her in astonishment. She really was psychic!

  Leonora laughed. “Child, it was inevitable you would ask again. You’re always trying to fix everything for everyone.”

  I saw Vanessa had brought the first kettles, and I poured them into the tub. The water rang on the copper. I tipped in a bit of rose water, and it began to counter-balance the stench—at least a little.

  I began to strip out of the sullied clothing. “She does have a lot of experience in running a household of her own,” I said with a shrug. “And she must get out of that dreadful place, Leonora. Her children are going to catch the spirit of the slum if they don’t leave it soon. Sarah is only six, but Ray—at nine—already fancies himself a scrapper. Caleb’s of an age that the gangs will be calling at his door before much longer.”

  Leonora tsked. “That does sound terrible. There’s plenty of room at the new house, that’s true. I intended to hire a girl closer to Vanessa’s age and train her up, but perhaps a matriarch is indeed what I need.”

  “Martha’s younger than Roderick, I believe. She must’ve been a mere girl when Caleb was born—and Gertie scarce a year later.”

  Vanessa brought in more water, dumping it into the tub.

  When she left the room, I finished undressing and stepped into the tub. I had become so used to considering Leonora my surrogate mother, I didn’t even think about it. When I realized what I had just done, I ducked my head under the water in mortification.

  “Come up before you drown, child,” she said with a laugh. “I wasn’t looking.”

  I did as she ordered, my skin flushed both with the heat of the water and the embarrassment of the situation. I began to scrub at my skin with a sponge and cake of soap, trying to remove the stench.

  “Caleb is large and strong for his age, Leonora. He could be a groom, or a footman, maybe?”

  “How many servants do you think I need, Josephine?”

  “He wants to help support his family. If you cannot employ him, he’ll be searching elsewhere for pay.”

  “I suppose that’s true. Oh, all right, dear. I’ll find something for him to do—I do still need a driver, and I’m sure Roderick would be pleased to teach him a trick or two. You plan to ask Bridget to take the younger children into the school?”

  “As day-schoolers. I promised I would make sure they’re home of an evening for Martha. I’m sure Bridget will listen.”

  “You’re filling her school for her as well as my staff, I see.” Leonora chuckled fondly. “I’ll leave you to your washing, dear. I’ve a great deal of packing to do. It’s amazing how many possessions I’ve managed to accumulate since my arrival. The draymen will be along in the morning to collect my things.”

  She swept out of the room, leaving me alone to consider what I must do next. I laid my head back against the rim of the tub and thought. I couldn’t trust Seamus would stay gone. Just because he had slunk back into the shadows of Five Points didn’t mean he would remain there.

  What would be his next move? Would he try to kidnap me again? I couldn’t see what good that would do him. I would only get away again as soon as possible.

  There had to be a way to find him. Perhaps Kevin Reilly would be able to suggest a course of action. After all, he’d promised to send inquiries to the authorities in Ireland to see if there was any truth to Seamus’s claims. Besides, Fred would enjoy another visit with the Inspector, unless I missed my guess.

  This was all so complicated! I had other things I would much rather be doing. Like convincing Alistair to let me test the flying apparatus. Or trying to invent a water heater.

  ~*~

  When I was feeling human again, I went in search of Leonora. I realized I had never actually seen her rooms at the house. She was always downstairs when I arrived. I peeked into several bedrooms before I found her standing in the midst of chaos. There was clothing strewn everywhere—and all the drawers and wardrobes were wide open.

  “Come and have tea with me at Ma’s, Leonora. You can come back to this, but it looks like a break would do you good.”

  “I just had a break, dear,” she replied with a laugh. “But...I believe I’ll let you persuade me. I’m out of trunks and boxes anyway. I hope Alistair might have something I can borrow?”

  “There were a great many boxes in the storeroom last time I looked. I’m fairly sure they aren’t all full.”

  She picked her way out of the confusion. “Tea will be lovely.”

  I was rather surprised to find Alistair and Herbert at the tea table when we arrived. It was rare they were home before darkness forced them away from their endeavors. Now that they had put in overhead electrical lighting at the warehouse, it was rare any of us were home before dinner.

  I felt a little guilty. Had our absence caused them to lose work for the day?

  “Josephine, what have you done to Phaeton? He smells to high heaven. It’ll take me a week at least to get him cleaned up. I never knew metal could hold a scent.”

  I bit my lip. “Sorry about that, Alistair. I’ll figure out something to do about that tomorrow.”

  “Well, we couldn’t get any more done today anyway. Mother,” he said, rising to his feet and stepping toward her to kiss her cheek, “fancy meeting you here.”

  “Good to see you too, darling. I’ve come to ask for your help.”

  “My help?” He returned to his seat and picked up his cup.

  “Yes, dear. Josephine tells me you might have some boxes I could use for my packing.”

  “So you really are going?”

  “Don’t sound so pleased, Alistair. I’m not moving to Connecticut. I’ll still be close at hand, just not in your back pocket. Pour me some tea, would you?”

  “Wake up! Wake up!” Opal pounded on the bedroom doors, coughing at the smoke filling the hallways. “The house is on fire!”

  Caroline stumbled out of her room, belting her robe.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Help me! Wake the others, Caroline! The house is on fire. I must get to Mrs. O’Malley and Mrs. Carrouthers.”

  She spun on her heel and raced to warn the older women. How had this happened? Would everyone get out in time?

  — Garrett Goldthwaite

  Old-Fashioned Opal and the House of Ill-Repute

  Chapter 20
r />   The next morning, I went to see Bridget first thing. I felt a little guilty about asking her to take in so many new students, but—on the other hand, I knew she was very passionate about all children getting a decent education, so I should be able to persuade her to take in Sarah and Ray as well. Maybe even Caleb...twelve wasn’t too old to be in school.

  “Back again, I see?” Bridget said, eyes twinkling when I knocked on her door.

  “Yes...I need another favor.”

  “Of course, you do. It’s amazing how much I’m seeing of you now that I’m in a position to grant you favors.”

  My heart sank. Was that really what I was doing? Using my friendship with Bridget merely to get what I needed?

  She burst into laughter. “Jo, dear, I’m happy to help you in any way I can whenever I can. After what you did for me and mine? Dear, ask away.”

  “I’ve come to ask you to take on a couple more day students, if you have room.”

  “I’m sure we can squeeze them in. What’s their story?”

  “They’re the children of Roderick’s sister, Martha. Sarah is six, and Ray is nine. She’s shy as a rabbit, but he is starting to take on the attitude of Five Points—where they’ve been stuck living.”

  Bridget shuddered. “No child should have to live in that horrible place. What has put them there?”

  “The villainy of Martha’s second husband. He abandoned his family, and the slum was all they could afford. But they’ll be out of that hell hole soon. Leonora Conn has agreed to give Martha a position as her housekeeper, and the whole family will have room and board. So, I thought the children should have schooling. The eldest boy is twelve, but I don’t know if Caleb will be willing to be cooped up for classes. He fancies himself the breadwinner of the family. Leonora will give him a position as well if he wishes one.”

  “That might be best if he’s already considering himself that way. Tell you what, have Martha bring the children at her earliest convenience, and we’ll find them a place in the school.”

  “Thank you, Bridget. I knew I could count on you.”

  “Always, Jo.”

  I was feeling very good about the interview when I left. Everything was working out just as I planned.

  Perhaps that was the reason that the events which transpired immediately afterward occurred. I wasn’t paying enough attention to my surroundings.

  I had sent one of the orphan boys to find a cab for me, and it was waiting at the foot of the steps when I left the convent. Bridget stood at the top of the steps waving as I climbed into the cab standing at the curb.

  I sank back into the cushions with a sigh, eyes closed as I reviewed the entire conversation with Bridget. It wasn’t as comfortable as the carriage William had lent us, but it felt quite good to just relax after all the stress of the past few days.

  The horse started off down the street at a leisurely pace. His hooves on the cobblestones was very soothing...

  “Look at ya. Not a care in tha world. Little Miss Perfect.”

  My eyes flew open and I gasped, sitting bolt upright in the cab.

  Seamus O’Leary sat in the seat across from me, a smirk on his smarmy face. I knew I was inattentive lately, but this was ridiculous!

  I couldn’t help myself—I shrank back against the rear of the conveyance. “What are you doing in my cab?”

  “Ya stupid cat. Ya didn’t even look afore ya climbed aboard, did ya? So full o’ yerself. All you people are so bloody gullible.”

  “What on earth are you talking about?”

  “You and all yer toff friends. Lookin’ down on me—”

  “I don’t even know you, Seamus O’Leary. You showed up out of nowhere and told me I was destined to marry you. When I said no, you kidnapped me off the street. Which, I suppose, you’ve done again. It’ll do you no good, of course. I don’t want to marry you. I don’t love you.”

  He snorted with laughter. “Love? What does tha’ have t’ do wit’ marriage?”

  “It has everything to do with marriage. No one should enter into such a solemn contract without love. I don’t want to lose any chance I might have for happiness because of a ridiculous promise I had no say in.”

  Seamus leaned forward, eyes blazing. “Ya stupid liddle idiot. Ya still don’t get it, do ya?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He reached across the cab and grabbed my arm. “I don’t care if ya love me. Ye can despise me for all I care. Ya can even stay here in yer fancy house with yer fancy friends. We don’t have to live as man and wife—but ya will marry me.”

  “Why? Why’re you so determined to force me into something like this?”

  He pushed me back against the rear of the cab and fell back in his own seat. He sighed noisily. “Ya really haven’t an idea, do ya? ’Tis hard to be angry with someone so totally naive.”

  He was beginning to scare me. “Please, stop the cab. I can walk from here. I’d like to go home now.”

  “No, darlin’. I don’t have time for wooin’ and googly-eyes. I’m t’rough tryin’ ta convince ya nicely.”

  “Why must it be me? Won’t any red-headed Irishwoman do? It’s not as if anyone in Ireland has ever met me…”

  “It has t’ be you. There’ll be questions only yer mither’s descendant kin answer. And there is Colin t’ deal wit’.”

  “Colin?”

  “Filthy bounder…he’s a t’ird cousin who says he’s a better claim on Grandfadder’s estate than either of us. He’s tryin’ t’ steal it all! Not yer bloody inheritance. Not mine. Ours. It belongs t’ tha both o’ us—and if ya marry me, then he won’t be able t’ stand against us.

  “So, yer goin’ to marry me whether ya want to or not, and we’re goin’ back to Ireland where things’re civilized. Not like this bloody country with its noise an’ crowds.”

  “You just said that I could stay here whether I married you or not.”

  “Ya’ve lost tha chance t’ remain here after. Ya would at least have t’ come back t’ County Cork t’ certify tha marriage anyway.”

  “I will never marry you!”

  “I don’t care if I have t’ bind and gag ya, ye will marry me. Trust me on that.”

  I didn’t care if the cab was moving or not. Carefully, I edged toward the door, fully prepared to jump from the vehicle.

  Seamus was looking out the window on his side of the cab. He seemed totally enraptured by whatever lay outside.

  Now was my chance. I twisted the handle and dove out the door.

  I was caught by my hair and dragged back inside. That would teach me to wear it down. Tears flooded my eyes, and I wasn’t sure if they were pain or anger.

  “Ya sit right there, me girl. Ya won’t get away so eaisy this time.”

  “Why must you marry me? As I say, I’m sure there are plenty of young women in Ireland who would be happy enough to have your hand. What makes it so important you marry someone you’ve never met?”

  “I just tol’ ya, ya stupid git. Grandfadder left tha bloody fortune to both of us, or neither. I won’t get a penny wit’out ya.”

  “Grandfather who?”

  “Grandfather O’Leary, o’ course!”

  “But he disowned my mother. Why would he leave me anything?”

  “Because she were his only child, and, in tha end, that was all that mattered to him.”

  “If she was an only child, how could he be your grandfather?”

  “That ain’t tha important part.”

  “It is to me.”

  He sighed in exasperation. “Me fadder was his younger brodder. By rights, I should inherit it all—but fadder weren’t any better liked than yer ma. So, he weren’t technically my grandfadder, but that’s what me da tol’ me t’ call him. I suppose he were tryin’ t’ worm his way back inta tha family. If tha two o’ us are married, they’ll have t’ give me my share o’ it all.”

  “I don’t even know what ‘all’ is! I don’t want to go to Ireland, so can’t I just...sign it over to you, or s
omething?”

  “It ain’t that easy. Ya kin’t possibly be as daft as ya pretend to be.”

  I wanted to throttle him. “I’m not daft at all. I’m considered quite intelligent, for your information.”

  Seamus rolled his eyes.

  “Where are you taking me this time?”

  “Certainly not back t’ yer friends in Five Points. Mebbe this time I’ll take ya t’ my friends on Mulberry Street. They won’t feed ya dinner.”

  The words sent ice through my blood. Mulberry Street was one of the worst streets in the worst part of the slum. It was home to the Mulberry Boys, or so they said. The gangs ruled the district, and terrified any decent people still left in the area, like Martha and her children. She had every reason to hate the idea Caleb and Ray might be pulled into that life. I hoped I was getting them out in time.

  Now, what was I going to do about getting myself out of trouble this time?

  Opal stumbled out of the burning house, staggering under the not inconsiderable weight of a nearly unconscious Mrs. O’Malley. She lowered the housekeeper to the grass and started back into the building.

  “Opal!” A voice rang across the lawn.

  “Victor, Mrs. Carrouthers is still in the house! I have to get to her.” She doubled over in a coughing fit.

  “Stay here, I’ll get her.” He sprinted toward the burning structure.

  Opal burst into tears. Everything was going up in smoke.

  “Why, look at you,” drawled a voice. “One would think you actually gave a damn.”

  She looked up, and gasped.

  Thomas stood over Mrs. O’Malley’s recumbent form, a gun in one hand, and a burning torch in the other.

  — Garrett Goldthwaite

  Old-Fashioned Opal and the House of Ill-Repute

  Chapter 21

  The streets became worse as we drove along. The tenements here were even more decrepit than the ones surrounding Martha’s soon-to-be-old home. Some were brick and averaged four and five stories in an attempt to crowd as many people as possible into the tiny lots beneath them.