Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  I know that I’m pulling the ugliest of faces as I cry and try to speak and try to make sense of what he’s telling me. “No, Sean, no, I didn’t, I wouldn’t do that, I wanted to see you, I wanted you to come back to me, so badly, I almost died, my heart hurts so much, the pain, the pain, it’s killing me, it’s fucking killing me Sean.”

  I’m shaking my head and gulping in air and my legs won’t hold me up any more. Lennon appears at the end of the hallway behind Sean. “Fuck… Jimmie!” I hear him call.

  “I don’t understand then G, who, who would do that to us? Jimmie and Lennon knew how hard I tried, they knew how hard I tried to see ya, they knew about the phone calls and all the stuff I sent ya. Where did it go? How did you not know about it, surely not your Mum and Dad?” I can’t comprehend this, I just can’t get my head around it, all this time, all this pain and he wanted me back.

  Jimmies suddenly at my side, I’m on my knees in her hallway, Sean is sitting cross legged facing me, with his head is in his hands. “Babe, what’s going on? Sean?”

  She looks from one to the other of us. Sean looks up, he looks at me, and I think I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I’m gulping in air and making sounds that I’ve never heard a human make. “Gia” Is all that Sean says as he pulls me into his lap and holds me so tight it should crush me, instead I start to breathe slower. Air starts to reach my lungs, as I look up at him.

  “Who would want to hurt us like that, who?”

  Jimmies right down on the floor with us now, Lens pacing the floor behind Sean, then Marley appears. “What the fuck George, what’s wrong?” He moves toward us.

  “Will somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

  Jimmie is crying too and she doesn’t even know what’s wrong. “The letters Jim, all the letters, you told me that she got them?” Jimmie looks confused and frowns. “She did, you did, your Mum said that they upset you so much that we weren’t to talk about them.”

  No, no, this can’t be right, my Mum’s one of my best friends, she wouldn’t do that; she knew how much I was hurting. “No, no Jim, I never knew, I never saw a single letter.”

  “What?”

  “She told me that Sean phoned for a couple of weeks and that my Dad had threatened him and he had stopped calling and that was it.”

  “Georgia, I swear to God, I called your house four or five times a day, I begged them to let me talk to you, I wrote letter, after letter, I begged you to see me.” The hallway falls silent apart from the sound of breathing and sniffing. Sean continuously strokes at my back and my hair with the tips of my fingers and soothes me, calms me. I suddenly feel so tired, like I haven’t slept in four years and now finally, I can.

  Sean kisses the top of my head. “G, I love you babe but your arse is fuckin’ bony and mine is going numb.”

  I look up at him and giggle. “You love me?”

  “Of course I love you, how many times do you need telling, I meant it then and I mean it now, there’s only you G, there will only ever be you.”

  He stands still holding onto me and carries me into Jimmie and Len’s lounge; he sits down on the sofa with me still in his lap and says in my ear. “I have been without you for four fuckin’ years. I’ll never be without you again; I might just carry you around like this forever.”

  I smile and inside I feel like I did when I first wake up from one of my dreams about him, completely content, cocooned in his arms and his scent but then just like with my dreams, reality comes crashing in, my Mum, my beautiful Mum betrayed me.

  Len passes me a glass of wine and what looks like whiskey to Sean. I take a long sip of my drink. “I need to speak to my Mum, I can’t believe she’d do this to me, she knew the mess I was in. We’ve talked so many times and I’ve told her that I still love you, that I will always love you, I just don’t understand.”

  I look across at Marley sitting in the armchair. “You okay big brother Marley?”

  “Gotta say little sister Georgia that I’m with you, Mum just wouldn’t do that, surely Mum wouldn’t do that?” He shakes his head, and then carries on, as if he’s talking to himself. “I don’t know if I’m just over thinking things, but now I am thinking about it, she has gone out of her way over the years to stop you two from having any kind of contact. I just thought it was to protect you George and then after that Sunday the other month.”

  I feel Sean hold his breath and squeeze me just a little bit tighter. “After the way you reacted that Sunday, I thought she’d done the right thing but there have been a few times when she’s sort of been a bit irrational about things, the way she told me not to give you our address and she was really pissed off when you found it out that if she had her own agenda? What if there was more to it than just protecting you? Perhaps it was about hiding what she had done, I don’t know, I’m just surmising.”

  I’m totally confused and have no idea what he’s talking about.

  “I don’t understand Marls, what dya mean, giving me our address, I don’t understand?”

  “Ours, mine and Sean’s, she told me not to give you our address because she was worried that you would just turn up unannounced. She said you’d been trying to find out where we lived so that you could stalk Sean.” I’m floored and now, I’m also starting to get more than just a little pissed off.

  “Marley, I have no fuckin’ idea where your place is and I had absolutely no idea that you and Sean lived together.”

  Everyone seems to stop what they’re doing, even breathing.

  “George, did you never go to the boys place and try and get past the reception area, did you not go there and scream abuse at the security guard and try and kick the doors in?”

  I look around the room at everyone; I look up at Sean, who looks at me horrified. “I didn’t know about this babe, you came to our apartment?” What on earth is going on here?

  “Are you all deaf, or just fuckin mad? I have no idea where Marley lives and I had no idea that Sean lived with him, no fuckin’ idea. Where is this coming from, who told all of you that I had been there causing trouble?”

  There’s silence for a long moment as my brothers and Jimmie all look at each other, Jimmie shrugs her shoulders. “Your Mum, George, your Mum told us.”

  My bottom jaw quivers as I try to hold onto the hurt and betrayal that I am feeling inside, this is at least equal or maybe even worse than how I’ve felt about Sean’s apparent misdemeanours for the past four years. I burrow into him and look up into his face. He looks pained and kisses my temple, very softly whispering, “Oh babe.”

  “Why Sean?” I look around the room at all of them, pleadingly. “Why would she do that to me? Why would she do that to us?” I can’t control the sobs as I speak and once again, Sean pulls me into him and soothes and calms me down.

  Eventually I resign myself to what needs to be done, I stand up and miss the closeness of being next to Sean instantly. “I need to call her; I need to talk to her.”

  I look at Len and Jimmie. “Can I ask her to come here?”

  They look at each other. “It’s ten o’clock George, dya think she’ll come out at this time?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I won’t give her any choice.”

  I have this little ball of anger burning in my belly now; if my Mum did this, if my Mum could have prevented the pain and heartache I’ve gone through for the last four years by even a fraction and didn’t, even worse, if she has in fact been behind keeping us apart all this time, then I think my relationship with her is over, without hesitation, I will walk away from her and the business if I find out that she did this, this hurtful, spiteful thing.

  I go out to the kitchen, take the phone off its base and with a shaky hand; I dial my parents’ number. My Dad answers. Did he have a part to play in this I wonder as I speak? “Alright Dad, sorry for calling so late, is Mum there?”

  “Hello, treacle, how you doin’? Yeah, she’s right here babe, love ya.”

  “Love you too Daddy.”

  I hea
r him tell her it’s me, I swallow and lick my lips but I don’t seem to have any moisture in my mouth. “Evening Georgia, what’s wrong?”

  What’s wrong, what’s fucking wrong, where would she like me to start? I want to scream, I want to drag her down the phone line. I decide instead, to get straight to it. “Mum, I need you to come to Jimmie and Lens and I need you to come now, it’s urgent.”

  “Georgia! Whatever’s wrong, is someone hurt?” Is someone hurt, is someone fucking hurt? Hurt like you have no idea mother! My finger nails are digging into the palm of my hand so much it’s painful.

  “Yes Mum, someone is hurt. I don’t want you to panic but I need you to get here as quick as you can.”

  I end the call before she can say any more and put the phone back on its base and stand and stare at it; Sean’s arms wrap around me and he kisses me in that perfect spot right below my ear, my head swims and I can’t help but give a little sigh and lean back into him. “We have so much to talk about, so much we need to sort out but I swear to God Georgia, I promise you here and now, I will spend the rest of my life making up these last four years to you, regardless what’s happened since. It all started with me, me and my own stupidity, I will never put you through anything like that again, I want you back G, I want you with me, and I want it how it should have been all these years, Sean and Georgia.”

  I turn around and look at him, He looks down at my hand, it’s at my throat, and he reaches out and moves my hand out of the way and brushes his fingers over my G. “You still wear it?”

  He brushes his knuckles, gently over my cheek and smirks. “Are you blushing Georgia Rae?” He licks his index finger and runs it over my face, making a sizzling noise, like my face is frying him.

  “Yes, I still wear it; it was the only piece of you I’ve allowed into my life these past four years. I wanted you near, I wanted to feel you but I didn’t want to look at you and be reminded of what I had lost.” He closes his eyes as if what I am saying is painful, he nods his head slightly.

  “This is so fucked up G, you won’t believe this.” He pulls his t-shirt over his head, he’s so much bigger than I remember him but he was only just eighteen then, he’s a grown man of twenty-two now and ripped and toned to fuck; he lifts my chin with his finger. “Eyes up here G, this is what I wanted to show ya, not my abs, although I’m happy to show them later too.”

  He winks at me as he speaks. “But look, look at this.” He points to the tattoo on his chest; it’s the exact replica of my necklace, the letter G, being held up by angel’s wings. “I wanted a piece of you, a piece of you to always be with me but I couldn’t have it where I could see it all the time, it hurt, every time I looked at it, every time I caught a glimpse it served as a reminder of how badly I’d fucked up and how much I had lost.”

  I cover my mouth with my hand while trying to hold in a sob, it’s pointless, I’ve held them in for far too long, four years in fact, he pulls me into his arms. “Hey, hey hey, it’s okay, we’re here G, we found our way back to each other, we’re meant to be G. They won’t break us, not now. I’m never losing you again.”

  I kiss his bare chest and lick my tears off of him, he looks down at me. “This one’s for you too.” He tilts his head so that I can see the tattoo he has around his neck, it curls from his throat, around the top of his shoulder.

  I read it out loud. “There’s no one else. There never was. It’s still only ever you.” I touch it ever so gently with the fingers of my right hand and look up at him.

  “It’s from ‘With Me’.” I draw my eyebrows in together.

  “What’s that?” He frowns at me and smiles, and then shakes his head.

  “Our biggest seller, the one that went platinum.” I swallow hard and look down at the floor.

  “I don’t know any of your songs Sean, I couldn’t listen, I couldn’t listen to any music until a couple of months ago, but I’ve never been able to listen to yours. I couldn’t bear to hear your thoughts or your feelings, I stopped reading magazines, I stopped listening to the radio, I used to hide in the toilet if your songs came on in the pub.” I feel like such an idiot now, admitting to all of this. “It just hurt too much to hear or see anything related to you.” I swipe at my running nose.

  He grabs at me and pulls me in so tight to him. “Fuck baby girl, fuck, I’m so sorry.”

  I stand and let him hold me, my head spinning with everything that has happened so far tonight. I have no idea what to think right now, is that it? Without a word, without any kind of discussion, am I just going back to him? Am I just going to allow him back into my life? Before I get any further with that thought, the front doorbell rings.

  He looks down at me. “Sean and Georgia, they’ll never break us again.” He kisses me on the mouth and then pulls his t-shirt back over his head, takes my hand and leads me to sit back down on the sofa.

  CHAPTER 17

  We all look at each other as Len goes to answer the door. I’m squeezed in to Sean’s side as tight as possible, he has one arm along the back of the sofa behind my head, the other is stretched across his lap and his hand is holding mine, we both have sweaty palms.

  I hear them talking in the hallway and I hear my Dad asking what’s going on and if everyone is okay, then I hear Baileys voice as he walks in the room first, he frowns and looks around the room at everyone and then swings his eyes back to rest on my hand in Sean’s. He tilts his head slightly toward me. “You okay,” he asks quietly. I nod. “Maca,” he says quietly to Sean and sits down next to me.

  My heart stops, then leaps up to my throat, down to my stomach, then back up to my chest as my parent walk into the room, there is absolute silence. My parents look around at all of us, checking us all over for any sign of injury, my Dad narrows his eyes at me and Sean and tilts his chin up slightly and asks, “What’s going on Princess? What’s happened? You’ve scared your mother half to death.”

  “Can I get either of you a drink?” Len asks.

  I can’t take my eyes from my Mum, I knew, the instant she looked at me and Sean holding hands that she had an idea of what this was all about and my heart froze, the wall hasn’t gone back up. It hasn’t gone back into hiding from any feelings or emotions, this is something entirely different. I have an anger burning hot in my belly now, what was a little glow earlier, is now a raging bon fire and I’m struggling to contain it, I really want to lash out at someone and I can feel my breathing become erratic.

  “Hey,” I hear Sean say next me, I look up at him. “Calm, the fuck, down. We’ve got this okay, we’re Sean and Georgia, remember, they won’t break us again,” he nods as he speaks to me.

  My eyes wander back to my parents; they sit on the two seater as Len passes them both what looks like whiskey. I can’t wait any longer. I have to speak before I explode.

  “Did you do it?” I ask my Mum. I don’t shout, I keep my voice at a reasonable level and I think I sound pretty calm, my Dad looks at my Mum and then at me, my Mum stares into her lap.

  “What’s going on George?” He looks back at my Mum. “Bern?”

  “Did. You. Do. It?” I ask louder this time and emphasise every word. My Dad is still looking at my Mum.

  “Bern, what the fuck is goin’ on?”

  “Shall I tell him?” I ask, finally her eyes swing up to mine.

  She knocks back all of her drink and takes a deep breath. “I did what I thought was right.” I fly out of my seat but Sean and Bailey pull me back. “How could you, how fuckin’ could you?” I scream at her.

  “That’s enough Georgia, will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here?” my Dad roars.

  I bring my gaze to meet his. “Did you know were you a part of it?’

  “No,” my Mum shouts.

  “Part of what George? I ain’t got a Scooby what you’re on about love.”

  “Did you keep Sean’s calls and letters hidden from me? Did you pack them all in a box and send them back to him with a note, supposedly from me, saying do not contact
me again? Did you tell everyone that I had been to Marley’s and tried to smash my way in? Did you, or was it just your lying, deceitful, spiteful wife?”

  My Dad didn’t know he has no idea what I’m talking about; he looks to my Mum. “Bern?”

  My Mum holds her head in her hand and shakes it; she looks up at me and Sean. “It wasn’t like that, at first I wanted you to get back with him, I wanted you back together but you were so broken George, you needed time, I couldn’t let you talk to him, you wasn’t strong enough and you refused in the beginning anyway.”

  Lennon goes into the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon and tops up everyone’s glasses, Bailey has his hand on my knee, Sean has a hold of my hand, and we’re all on the edge of our seats. I take Sean’s glass from him and take a swig of his drink. Len sits back down and my Mum continued.

  “I’m your Mum George, my job is to keep you safe” she looks at me wide eyed, and then turns to Sean.“You’d only sent a few letters at that stage.” She swallows hard and closes her eyes for a long moment. “After a few days, I was going to let him talk to you, I thought once the band were back on tour and you could only talk on the phone, that it would be safe, the distance would keep you safe”

  She gestures to Sean as she speaks. “Then one day when George was at school, doing one of her last exams, this girl knocks on the door; I had no idea who she was… Anyway, she wants to talk to you George, she said that she needed you to know that Sean had been two timing you with her for years, that he’d only stayed with you because he was scared of being kicked out of the band and that as soon as they made the big time, he was going to break up with you and start a new life with her.”

  She swallows and licks her lips, I can see in my peripheral vision that Sean is shaking his head next to me.

  “Na, na, na, what girl, who was she?”