I’ll tell you a secret, Jackalope

by Matthew Vandrew

  “Shut up!” Jenny yelled at top of her lungs. It made the Roger-jackalope flinch and squeak but also effectively silenced the two.

  “This,” Jenny pointed at the frightened jackalope huddled in the corner, “this used to be my friend. Actually, he was a human being just a minute ago. Why does he have antlers?”

  “We just told you this is something new and unheard of,” D answered patiently.

  “What the hell is going on?” Jenny demanded. “Will, you never told me Roger… Will? Will?”

  The director just stared, ghostly white, eyes bulging and unable to say or do anything.

  “I take it you didn’t know either,” Jenny understood. “Now, we have to do something. I can deal with dead talking birds but no way can I handle with a giant mythical creature which used to be the museum curator and my friend. Should we call Greenpeace or something?”

  “Nobody’s going to call anyone,” said a new voice and between them and the jackalope a man appeared.

  Cindy grabbed D’s hand and cried, rather enthusiastically: “A ghost!”

  Strangely enough, she was right. The man was slightly transparent, clad in a long robe, midnight-blue with yellow stars. He looked like a magician, only his hat looked suspiciously like a sombrero.

  He turned to the jackalope and said soothingly: “It’s OK, Roger. I’ll take care of this. Just change back into your human form.”

  “Bring me Solo,” the raven added its own instruction and Will decided it’s too much and passed out.

  *

  Obviously, human brain can take only a limited amount of madness and when it becomes too much, it shuts itself down to prevent further damage, Will thought while regaining consciousness. Of course, when it restarts we have the same situation that reads Too Much Madness in capital letters. Hopefully, at least one thing driving me crazy would have disappeared by the time I open my eyes.

  He opened his eyes and found out everything was still there – the obnoxious heiress, the two nerds, Jenny, the ghost, the raven which now was sitting on the magician’s shoulder – and Roger, back to his human form but with his clothes torn, visibly exhausted and not looking him in the eye.

  “Will? Are you OK?” Jenny asked.

  “No,” he said truthfully. “I find my long lost lover hidden in the bathroom, suddenly changing into a mythical creature and now there is a ghost in charge here. I’m not staying here. Tell the Millstone family I’m out of here and they can go fuck themselves. Ending up locked up on a psych ward is not what I have signed up for.”

  “We can’t leave,” Cindy announced.

  “Watch me.”

  “No, we really can’t,” Jenny admitted. “The ghost is somehow blocking the door.”

  Will groaned. “What does he want?”

  “Hard to say. He wanted us to wait until you wake up.”

  Will sat up and felt a wave of nausea washing over him. He closed his eyes for a moment and it helped his head to stop spinning.

  “You feeling well, son?” the ghost asked.

  Will didn’t even care to answer. He finally looked directly at Roger and firmly inquired: “Roger, what is this all about?”

  “Let me explain,” the ghost offered.

  “Shut up! I’m asking Roger to explain… everything.”

  Roger chuckled hysterically. “What’s here to explain? I’m a monster and this is a ghost.”

  “I really think I should explain,” the ghost was adamant. “It’s too painful for poor Roger.”

  “And who are you?” S jumped in.

  The ghost sighed. “You better sit down, this will take a while.”

  “No way I’m going to sit on the men’s toilet floor,” Cindy shuddered.

  “Kneel down,” S advised.

  “You’re used to that,” D snorted.

  “Gentlemen, please,” the ghost raised his hand. “Now, where do I begin? My name is Jonathan Moore and I’m… or, I used to be an archaeologist with a quite large personal collection of artifacts. Unfortunately, there were some pieces among them which were not… let’s say, too legal for me to own.”

  “You mean you’ve been stealing from archaeological sites,” Jenny understood.

  Jonathan hung his head. “Not really stealing… Just keeping some artifacts I shouldn’t have. Nothing valuable, I swear. There was hardly any money in that. Unfortunately, there was also a pestle.”

  “A what?” Cindy whispered.

  “A piece of stone used to crush grains,” the ghost explained patiently. “I found it in a deserted town site, half buried in the backyard of a house. It was fairly new, not even five hundred years old. It looked like a stone ball. Nothing exceptional. You could find hundreds of them in deserted villages of indigenous Australians. Yet, this one was cursed. When I took it, I started to change.”

  “Turning into a jackalope?” D raised his eyebrow.

  “No. Into a bunyip,” Jonathan said sadly.

  “What’s the difference? This Roger guy has turned into a bunny, too,” Cindy frowned.

  “A bunyip is something else… Another mythical creature but this one is Australian,” S rushed to help.

  “Thank you, young man. Now, where was I? Oh, I know. Bunyip. So, it didn’t take me too long to figure out what the culprit was. So I took it back where I found it. No luck. Not only I still kept turning into a monster, the pestle itself just kept coming back. Every time I would put it back to the site, I would still find it back on the shelf it used to sit at my house. I contacted an indigenous shaman for help but he just looked at me as if I was crazy and didn’t even talk to me.”

  Jonathan shrugged. “So I was a were-bunyip and stayed that way for the rest of my life. I made a will where I left my whole collection to this museum. Unfortunately, I died too soon and didn’t have time to leave a message for whoever will be there to not touch the goddamn pestle. I died unexpectedly from aneurysm – at a costume party.” Jonathan sadly pointed at his outfit and the two nerds had to put much effort to keep them from laughing.

  “And then – this young fellow came around. Roger was hired by the museum to catalogue my possessions. Of course, he came across the pestle and – well, you’ve seen it. So I promised myself to stay here and watch over him – and any other innocent victim of that damned thing.”

  “That’s sad,” Jenny said quietly. “I’m sorry, Roger. I didn’t know…”

  “That was the trip I didn’t come back from, remember?” Roger interrupted her, looking directly at Will. “When I started to change at every possible occasion, I just… I just couldn’t come back.”

  Will shook his head, still too overwhelmed to react.

  “So why are you turning into jackalope and not a bunyip?” S asked.

  “I was born in the U.S. The pestle probably turns you into any mythical creature.”

  “Whoa, man, you’re lucky it didn’t turn you into Sasquatch,” D said.

  “You would be Yeti, then,” S poked him.

  “Shut up.”

  The ghost took a step closer to them. “Oh, well. I’m glad you spoke up, gentlemen. The reason why I’m keeping you here is – you.”

  S and D huddled together rather nervously. “W-what?” one of them yelped.

  “The rest of this group is unaware of it but these two are freelance reporters for Paranormal Weekly. They want to post a nice big story about this.”

  Jenny frowned. “No way, guys.”

  “Uhhh… maybe we won’t,” D tried to negotiate.

  “There’s only one way to be sure,” the ghost said darkly.

  “I’m not killing them,” Jenny shook her head.

  Jonathan looked shocked. “I wasn’t implying anything like that. They found a secret so now all of you will tell your own secret. That way you all will have leverage to the rest of this group and everybody will be quiet.”

  “No fucking way I’m going to tell my personal stuff to these people,” Jenny shuddered. “Or do you think I would admit I hired Will just because I
know he’s a softie and won’t kill Cindy on the first day of shooting?”

  Jenny’s lips stayed in the shape of a perfect O. “Fuck,” she yelled. “How did you do it?”

  Jonathan just smirked.

  “So, now I’m going to admit I knew Roger is the curator here? Shit, stop it already!” she screamed at Jonathan.

  “Well, thank you very much,” Will said acidly.

  She turned to him. “I’m sorry, darling. I knew if I told you in advance, you would back out. I didn’t really hope in some reconciliation of you two. I just wanted for you to get some closure or something. And I wanted to know what the hell happened to Roger,” she confessed and closed her eyes. “There, I’m done. Let someone else tell their secrets.”

  “I don’t have secrets,” Cindy pouted. “Well, if you don’t count the fact it was my idea to put that porn video online and make money from it. Whoa! It works!” she clapped her hands. “I just said it and I didn’t want to!”

  “Why would you need money?” S didn’t understand. “You’re obscenely rich without having to do anything.”

  “And that’s the point!” she exclaimed. “You know, I turned out stupid, lazy and useless. Just because I had heaps of money and I didn’t have to do anything. So I decided to actually make some money. And it worked. I’m in all newspapers and now people actually pay me to attend their parties! Isn’t it exciting? I can make my own money!”

  “Everybody gets excited about something,” D said tolerantly. “I and my brother have to be juggling one too many jobs at a time to pay bills. Not too exciting, if you ask me.”

  “But having sex together is exciting,” S nodded and D gasped for air.

  “Shut up!” he howled.

  S gulped. “I’m sorry… I really didn’t want to say that! I mean… It happened only once, long ago and we were drunk!”

  Cindy whistled. “Geez, guys, you know it’s incest.”

  “Are you familiar with the word ’incest’? Isn’t it too complicated?” D snapped.

  “Of course I know the word. I have an older brother,” Cindy answered calmly. Nobody dared to question how she meant it.

  “Please,” Jenny interjected. “They’re not really brothers.”

  “How can you tell?”

  Everybody including the raven rolled their eyes. “Maybe because S is blonde and blue-eyed and D is Chinese?” Jenny offered.

  Cindy let out one single “Oh.”

  D sighed. “It’s true. We’re not real brothers. It’s just our little fantasy. It’s safe because…” D’s voice trembled. “I love him more than anyone else and if people think we’re brothers… well, maybe just step-brothers, they wouldn’t think we’re gay. I wouldn’t think I’m gay.”

  S looked like he was about to cry. “You’ve been thinking about it a lot, haven’t you?”

  “All the time since we… you know. I think… I think now I can admit to the world and to myself that I am gay. I’ve been just too afraid I would lose you.”

  “Oh, God,” S moaned. “I’ve been thinking about the same! Losing you would be the worst thing that could ever happen. The last two years have been the most beautiful in my life. I don’t care if you’re the only man I ever touched… I ever loved. So I’m gay, big deal. I don’t care. As long as I have you.”

  They held their hands, too emotional to say anything else.

  Will looked at the others. “Now it’s my turn, isn’t it?”

  “No,” Roger said. “Don’t say anything.”

  “That’s not fair!” Cindy protested. “We all spilled our beans.”

  “I wasn’t fair to him,” Roger pointed out. “He got his share of unfairness.”

  Jonathan shook his head.

  “Oh, OK then,” Will said suddenly. “Fair’s fair. You want to know my secret? Here it is: I never stopped loving you. When you left I tried to hate you. I really did. Didn’t work. I still love you, Roger.”

  Nobody dared to break the silence until Jonathan cleared his throat. “Well… I guess, that’s it, then. We all know our secrets now and nobody will say anything to anyone else. You can go now,” he added and disappeared so quickly that the raven fell down when the shoulder it was perching on suddenly ceased to exist.

  “Bring me Solo,” the raven croaked although it was obvious there was something completely else on its mind.

  “We need to talk,” S said to his not-really-brother. D just nodded and they left the bathroom with Cindy and Jenny in tow, leaving Will and Roger on their own.

  Will couldn’t decide if the silence between them really was uncomfortable. Roger stood up from the toilet seat and said faintly: “I need to change. I have some spare clothes in my office. Just in case,” he added with very unhappy grin.

  He was weak and Will couldn’t think of anything else just to accompany him to the office, not really supporting him but staying close, his hand on Roger’s arm. Roger didn’t object or comment.

  They found themselves in the office. Roger opened the cupboard and Will was left staying in front of the desk. The door kept him from seeing Roger changing and somehow it hurt him. There were times he had been seeing him naked for days in a row.

  “You should have told me,” Will said.

  “I know.” Roger finished but didn’t move. “Now I know. But back then… I was frightened. All of a sudden I became a monster. Changing every now and then. It took some time to learn how to control it… And still, when I’m upset, scared, threatened… It just happens.”

  “Threatened? You see me as a threat?”

  Roger closed the door and turned around to face him.

  “Seeing you here, now… It was a threat to my sanity. I have never stopped loving you, either, Will.”

  “But you didn’t trust me enough to come home when it happened. Did you think I would run away?”

  “I didn’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking at all! I was… frightened, ashamed, confused, everything! And I didn’t want to bring that damned thing anywhere near to you, either.”

  Will gulped. “Is it following you?”

  Roger nodded. “Yeah. It keeps appearing in the vault of this museum, where I originally put it. Much like it kept coming back to Jonathan’s collection. I was lucky there was an open position here and I could get a job in the museum. I had to watch over the damned thing.”

  “You mean it’s… here?”

  “Don’t worry. It’s mine. It’s not affecting anyone else.”

  “I’m not afraid,” Will took a step closer to him. “And although I’m still pissed off, now at least I can understand you. Too bad it took you three years.”

  “I’m sorry, Will,” Roger said.

  Will plucked up the courage and asked: “I don’t want you to be sorry. Maybe now, when you know the pestle is only yours, maybe you can tell me what is going on. Maybe you could ask for my understanding, ask me to be on your side and help you.”

  Roger stared at him. “Will… I…”

  And then, as if he was shaking himself out of a dream, he shook his head. “No, babe. No matter how much I love you. I’m a monster and I have no right to make your life even messier than I have already done.”

  Will gritted his teeth. “Maybe you could at least ask because I’m pretty sure I don’t mind. If the jackalope is a part of you, well, then I have to learn what to feed it. You said you can control it, more or less, didn’t you?”

  “It doesn’t make me any less monstrous,” Roger mumbled.

  “And who cares?” Will yelled. “I got used to your stripy toe socks! This would be a piece of piss!”

  “Forget it. I’m not drawing you into this madness. I love you too much,” Roger finished the debate although Will was far from being over with it.

  There was a knock on the door and Jenny peeked inside. “Sorry, guys. I know you have much talking to do but there is a shooting and we need both of you there.”

  “We’re coming,” Roger said and they both followed Jenny. This time, none of the
m tried to hide under the bison or in the bathroom.

  *

  The shooting turned out to be a bit lifeless and not only because Jonathan appeared suddenly in the middle of one shot. He apologized and disappeared only to come back two seconds later, looking for the raven.

  “He’s actually not with me,” Jonathan explained while the rest of the crew which hadn’t encountered him until then kept trembling. “He’s the museum’s ghost but I kind of grew on him.”

  “You’re trying to steal the show,” Cindy accused him. She was the only one completely unaffected by the bizarre events in the bathroom.

  “I’m not showing on the film,” Jonathan snapped. “Besides, the crowbar could steal the show from you. Your acting skills are limited to home videos. You’re acting like Hunter Van Pelt!”

  “Who?” Cindy demanded but Jonathan vanished without warning.

  Will didn’t have the energy to give her directions; he just kept her repeating the shot hoping after the umpteenth take she would eventually get tired and stop overacting.

  Cindy didn’t get tired but bored and finally her “Knowledge is the real treasure” was good enough to keep. Jenny happily announced the end and Roger disappeared almost as efficiently as Jonathan.

  Will looked around and his eyes met S’s and D’s stare. They both slowly nodded, D sneaked closer and surreptitiously handed something to Will. The director thanked them wordlessly and headed further into the museum.

  *

  Roger was sitting in his office alone, his head in his hands. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Seeing Will didn’t help him at all and hearing he still loved him somehow made it even worse. And Will’s more than generous offer to… what – stand by him? Help him? As a real partner and lover would do?

  Saying “no” to that had been insane. Saying “no” to that had been the right thing. Saying “no” to that had been the final proof Roger didn’t deserve Will’s love.

  It was too confusing.

  Roger almost didn’t hear the soft knock on the door but Will didn’t wait for his invitation to come in. He just walked in and stopped before Roger’s desk, slowly putting something on it.

  “Your keys,” he said.