Fall Apart

by SE Culpepper

When he got to the part about the climb, he told them everything, sparing not a word in his defense. He told it as though it was a witness’ testimony. His throat threatened to close as he spoke of the fall in hideous detail, but he forged through it, lifting his good arm to show the scars from his shoulder to the back of his hand. Luke was wiping his tears from his face and Franco was biting on his lip to hold back his emotion.

  Damon told them how he didn’t remember anything but quick flashes of activity—maybe something from the medevac—until he woke for good at the hospital. The rest they knew from their own memories. He didn’t want to share about his time in Todd’s room. That was a sacred place in his soul. It was Todd’s grave marker.

  “I let him down that day, guys,” he breathed in pain. “I could’ve done so many things differently, but I didn’t. He’s gone now, and that’s on me.”

  When he looked up, Franco and Luke were gazing at him, expressions awash in their reaction to his words. “I’m not convinced,” Franco whispered. “I’ll never be.”

  “Why don’t you guys hate me? Todd’s gone and I—”

  “Stop it,” Luke said sternly. “Don’t ever say it again. It’s not your fault.”

  Franco came at him first, then Luke, and their arms surrounded him. Their words unlocked something in Damon that he was scared to set free. Franco pulled away first, swiping a hand over his face, then stared directly into his eyes.

  “If Todd were here, he’d tell you the same thing.”

  All Damon knew was that he wasn’t strong enough to deal anymore. He didn’t have the energy to fight them.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  It was two weeks until Christmas and only one before Alarik was supposed to show up on Zane’s doorstep for the trip to Tahoe. He really wanted to be excited about it, but honestly, he didn’t want to go. There wasn’t word from Damon yet. Each day it was getting easier to agree with Max, but Alarik wasn’t ready to admit it was over. When he woke up, his first thoughts were all about Damon. He was restless to see him and be there for him. Living this way was taking its toll.

  After everyone returned to set from the short Thanksgiving break, the air between Alarik and Max had been a little chilly. Over time, it would warm; they were simply trying to navigate friendship gracefully. Max was mature and a professional boss; it just so happened that he also had bruised feelings under that distant mien.

  Alarik was home, editing photos he’d taken earlier in the week, when his email chirped and his phone gave a simultaneous buzz. With his attention focused on the photo on one screen, it took him several seconds to make sense of what he was seeing on the other where his email account was open. It was a message from Damon.

  The instant what he was seeing made sense, Alarik scrambled to the other side of his desk, nearly spilling tea all over his workspace, and banging his knee on a table leg. His hand shook as he clicked to open the message with the subject line: Re: You there? His eyes widened as he began to read.

  Alarik,

  I know you may not believe me, but this is the first time I’ve opened my email since everything happened. I didn’t think I’d see anything from you—I don’t deserve to.

  I read every single word you sent. I couldn’t believe you wrote to me at all after what I said and did to you. I’ve been spending a lot of time apologizing lately and you deserve one most of all. Even the thought of how I spoke to you and the way I hurt you makes me sick. It took me this long to accept that other people were experiencing their own grief at the same time I was because mine overwhelmed me. I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said it doesn’t continue to overwhelm me from time to time, but I’m doing my best to work through this. I hurt you and I’m sorry.

  I’m not trying to be noble. I’m trying to be honest. You are a better man than I deserve, Alarik. You’ve proven that with each word that you wrote since I forced you away, and before that in how you treated me. I’m not sure what you saw in me; your open honesty still amazes me. I don’t feel right asking you back, so I’m not going to do that. There’s still a lot of work I have to do to be closer to the guy you say you love.

  It seems like I’m asking you to wait for me, but that’s not fair and I wouldn’t do that to you. Maybe when things are a little more stable, I’ll be able to find you again and you’ll give me another chance. No matter what, though, you deserve better than I can offer you now.

  Love,

  Damon

  Alarik rolled away from the desk and hid his face in his hands. That’s it? That’s all I get?

  “Damon…you fool. I want you now; I don’t bloody want anyone else. Don’t you get that? Weren’t my words clear?” He went back and read the email three more times from start to finish, searching for any hidden meanings or messages written between the lines, like, I really mean that you should come to me immediately.

  Frustration boiled within him—the words didn’t change. There was no hidden request. Damon was ending what they had.

  In truth, Alarik was afraid to go against what Damon wrote and simply drive to Ventura so they could talk face-to-face. He was afraid to see what was in the other man’s eyes, afraid to see the hardened, hurting man that he loved. There wasn’t a way around the fact that this email was goodbye.

  I’m in love with a man who won’t let me love him, he thought. Realizing Max felt the same way about him made Alarik choke.

  “This is so fucked up,” he said.

  ***

  The high school parking lot was empty when Damon pulled in and parked Todd’s—actually his—car in the same space he used to park when he was a student. Things looked almost exactly the same, except the landscaping was updated and better maintained. Damon looked to the right and found the tree Todd used to park under, resting his chin in his hand as he remembered.

  He was finally putting the idea he’d had at the store into practice. Talking to other people about everything he was feeling wasn’t easy for him. He’d broken down with Luke and Franco, and finally, he sat with his parents to tell them everything. Talking about it the first time was hardest. The guilt and shame were almost impossible to leave behind. It would take a lot of conversations, a lot of purposeful attention to the most vulnerable parts of his being, to feel free of these crippling emotions. He was counting on his family and friends to help him—though at the same time, he struggled bringing so much pain to them.

  Maybe the world’s leading psychologists would say he was doing the wrong thing, but he figured that if Todd was the one guy he wanted to talk to most of all, then he’d talk to him. Even if whatever spiritual realm Todd was in made Damon impossible to hear. Or, if the afterlife was all horse shit. Here on Earth, there was still a lifetime of mindless crap he wanted to tell his friend and he hoped saying some of it aloud, like Todd was listening, would help.

  He was keeping their friendship alive in the only way he could.

  “Todd,” Damon said quietly and immediately rolled his eyes, feeling stupid. “This seems dumb. I know it, but since you’re not here to tell me that aloud, you’ll just have to accept that I already get it. I’m here because…” He paused and thought for a minute, wondering about the right way to say what was on his mind. “I’m talking to you because you died and left a giant fucking crater in my world and nothing else I’ve tried makes losing you less catastrophic.

  “I’m probably always going to think that I could have done something to save you. And there’ll always be this little whisper in my head that says this was all my fault. I know you’re not coming back, but I still look for you, buddy.”

  Damon glanced around the grounds of the high school again and concentrated on his breathing. “You used to park over there, driving that sweet car your dad bought you, which you pretended was just okay because you didn’t want to say anything good about your dad. You hated all lawyers on principle because of him and nearly disowned Luke when he became one.

  “Your dad was at the funeral with your mom, did you see them? Is that even how it works?
Maybe you just go to sleep and stay that way forever, not even aware anything happened, but something sort of tells me that you’re around somewhere.”

  He pictured Todd telling him that all these thoughts were the result of survivor’s guilt.

  “You’re probably right,” he answered aloud, “but if there’s such a thing as reincarnation, you probably want to keep that opinion on the down low. You’ll end up as a bull impregnating cows all day.”

  Todd would’ve said that wasn’t such a bad deal.

  Damon’s smile was sad, but he was smiling… “I miss you, Toddy, but I’m trying to live now, which is more than I can say for a few weeks ago. It’d be nice to feel like you’re still with me, so, if there’s someone you can pass that request along to so we can still hang out in my brain, that’d be great.”

  Damon started the car and couldn’t help the shiver at the sound of an engine so different than his old, rattling truck. Todd had bequeathed him an almost brand new Lexus GS Hybrid. His friend had owned it less than a year.

  “Christmas is in two weeks,” he announced to the air, remembering the holiday one year ago. “Everything’s different. Who’s going to ignore my sister under the mistletoe?”

  The bittersweet pain fisted in his stomach. God, would it be this bad forever? Almost okay one minute, and the next, knocked flat by an old memory?

  “Everyone talks about time healing shit like this, but I don’t know, man…”

  Several minutes passed and Damon heard his phone buzzing on the passenger seat. That would be his mom telling him he was late for dinner. She didn’t trust him to eat on his own nowadays.

  Damon began to back out of the parking space when another thought occurred to him and he stomped the brakes so hard the car jerked and tightened the seatbelt over his chest.

  “Yo! Todd,” he hissed over the ache in his ribs. “It’d also be great if you could help me with Alarik. I really fucked that up, so any wisdom from on high that you can send my way… Or, should I forget about it after letting him go?”

  This time, it was almost as if he could hear Todd’s response coming from right beside him. I’m supposed to be RESTING in PEACE, dude. Instead, I’m running your errands to the Almighty. Go out and DO something.

  ***

  Reid and Mark’s parents rolled into L.A. from Bakersfield the day before everyone was leaving for Tahoe together. Brad and Patty Newland were waving from the car and honking the horn in short bursts to show their excitement, but compared to the way Reid was acting in the back seat, his parents were sedate. The back window was down and all Zane could hear was Reid.

  “Child locks, dad! You’ve gotta undo the child locks before I piss my pants back here,” he yelled. “I’m going to have to climb through the window.”

  “What child locks?” Brad was yelling back. “I hit the button!”

  “Reid, no one told you to drink such an enormous soda,” Patty threw in her two cents, still smiling and waving at Zane.

  “Dad, park the car.”

  Zane looked down at Mark who was smiling back apologetically. “The sounds of Christmas. Gird your loins.”

  Zane grinned as Mark’s dad hit the brakes and Reid burst from the back seat like a firework. Reid blew kisses at his brother and Zane as he sprinted past and even where they were standing on the front porch, they could hear the bathroom door slam and the relieved groan that followed.

  Patty danced to their side, an evergreen sweater and red bauble earrings announcing her Christmas spirit. “My boys,” she laughed, crushing them in sugar-cookie perfumed hugs. “Ignore Reid. He drank an entire Big Gulp when we left Bakersfield.”

  Mark’s dad came around the car with less fanfare, but every few steps he stopped to look at the back tires. “Merry Christmas, kids,” he said, hugging them distractedly. “I think your mother’s car needs an alignment. It steers like I’m driving from the back seat.”

  Patty rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath, “All the way here I’m listening to this.” Mark was about to step in and referee when his mom noticed Zane’s ball cap. “Oh no—your head. Mark warned me. It’ll still be shaved during award season—and you with two nominations already!”

  Zane grabbed her in a tight hug, distracting her. She blushed and took off the hat. “See? It’s not so bad,” he said.

  A half-squelched wail left her mouth as she touched his bald head, content to do so while being held in his arms. “Your beautiful hair! Oh, Zane. What will your mom say?”

  “She gets here in two hours; we’ll ask her then.”

  Patty turned back to her husband, looking forlorn, and they began the extended conversation of how best to unload the car. They did this on purpose, Mark told Zane, so that while they discussed, the boys actually did all the work.

  Zane had a heavy suitcase in each hand and Mark was reaching for a box filled with wrapped presents when Reid returned for his encore. “Careful with my box, Mark. I wrapped all those gifts with these two fucking hands.”

  “Reid Newland! Language!”

  Mark agreed with Patty. “Every time you use the f-word at Christmas, an angel loses its wings.”

  “Guess we must’ve lost a lot of angels the Christmas dad had to put together those new bikes.”

  Brad snorted at one of his worst parental memories. “A shitload.”

  Patty gasped at her husband and Mark winced. “Can we at least get inside the house where there’s a tree and decorations, and the booze, before this discussion continues?”

  “I want booze,” Mark’s dad answered, and then grumbled behind his hand, “I need booze after driving that car.”

  Zane took that as his cue to usher Brad and Patty inside and turned to check on Mark from the porch. He watched as Reid took the box of gifts from Mark, set them on the ground, and pulled him into a hug. “Thanks for going along with this trip for me, little brother. You didn’t have to.”

  Surprised, Mark patted him on the back. “Hey, it’s no problem. Merry Christmas, Reid.”

  “Merry Christmas. Maybe later, to make it up to you, we can go toilet paper Brad Pershall’s house, pee on his front porch, key his cars, rescue his pets from captivity…”

  Reid’s voice faded as Zane headed inside. Chuckling to himself, he thought of how he needed to pin down Sophia Kirkland on her invitation to join them this week. Reid should have another shot with her, and honestly, Zane thought she needed another shot with his brother-in-law. Any guy willing to toilet paper a bastard’s house for Zane’s sake, well…that gave him a warm fuzzy.

  Plus, the group would be minus one guy because Alarik was going to back out. Zane could see the signs all week any time he brought up the trip. The lost, angry, lovesick look Alarik had been wearing since Damon emailed was all Zane needed to see.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  That’s two missed calls from Max now, Alarik thought, glancing at his phone nestled between a half-full cup of coffee and the remains of a protein bar in his cup holders. The phone was still glowing with its disapproving display of “Hayama Makoto – two missed calls.”

  Alarik told Zane first thing that morning that he couldn’t make the trip to Tahoe and his friend hadn’t been surprised. He supposed the show he’d put on, acting like all was gumdrops and chocolate, hadn’t worked. Damon’s email was resting over his mind like a radioactive cloud and he knew if he didn’t do something, he’d go mad. Collateral damage with Max would have to wait until later because all Alarik could think of was Damon. Seeing him. Yelling at him. Pummeling him. Snogging…

  He was once again on the road to Ventura, wondering what to say and if he’d be welcomed. This time, however, he wasn’t just nervous, he was upset. He was tired of the endless worrying without resolution. His heart was hanging out in the breeze and he couldn’t move on with his world like this.

  With six days left until Christmas, Alarik was traveling to Ventura with the token excuse of celebrating the holiday with Mandy and Luke. Everyone knew what the visit was really abo
ut: He was going to haunt Damon like the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future until their relationship was truly settled, one way or another. He’d become his own worst nightmare—he was the clingy ex who couldn’t let go. The painful truth had to be hammered into his skull.

  Mandy met him at the door and even with a heavy heart, it was impossible not to notice the amount of work she’d put into decorating. There were thousands of lights twinkling at him from the eves of the house and the trees in the yard, and an elaborate wreath hung on the door. The rooms smelled of cinnamon, evergreen, and miraculous cookies.

  “Hello, love. You’ve been baking,” he murmured, nuzzling at her ear until she giggled. “You smell like vanilla.

  “Christmas isn’t Christmas without cookies. I wanted to give you a traditional welcome.” Mandy pulled back far enough that she could get a good look at his face and her smile slowly became a frown. “You’re a mess, aren’t you?”

  His bravado faltered for a beat before he squared his shoulders. “Nonsense. Tired from work, is all.”

  Mandy looked like she wanted to dig deeper, so Alarik asked about Luke.

  “Oh, he’s wrapping up a real estate contract issue that one of the companies he represents wants taken care of before New Year’s. He’ll be home a bit late. But I,” she stopped to open her arms wide and spin next to her Christmas tree, “have already had two days off to do whatever I want! I’ve been baking, shopping, getting your room ready and—” Mandy skipped away again, her energy shooting outward like she was a small sun, and grabbed something he couldn’t identify from her dining table. “—I’ve also been taking pregnancy tests!”

  Then, three matching sticks with tiny digital printouts that said, “Pregnant” in bold letters, were shoved beneath his nose.

  Alarik froze for several seconds. He looked from the sticks to Mandy’s beaming face and back to the sticks. “Pregnant?!”