Does that mean Im a bad person?
But didnt God make me? Isnt that what they say? Then why doesnt he want to speek to me? You know what I think? I dont think he speeks to ennybody. I just think peepol who claim he does are pretennding. Because if God speeks to them, that makes them sumhow beter than the rest of us. I think if peepol were onnest theyd admit it. He doesnt speek to enybody.
But maybe its just me he isnt speeking to.
Why not?
Jan 18
Before Gram dyed, I was reeding her a book called Look Hoamword Angell. She sayd it was her favorrit book. I think she new she wuldnt live to here me finnish it, becaz its long. So she made me prommise to finnish it on my own. I didnt mind reeding it alowd to her, becaz I didnt have to undersstand what I was reeding. But when I reed it to miself, I get all confuzed.
But I prommised her.
Jan 20
My parrents, espeshly my muther, want me to be poppuler. What a joak, rite? Letts face it. Peepol avoyd me lyke I had a disseaze. A disseaze you culd katch. I no what that disseaze is. Ive allways had it.
Thers only won kid at scool who I can say is my frend. I brot him home one time and insted of beeing glad, my muther told me she diddnt want me to asosiate with peepol lyke him. Just becaz his fammily livs in a traylor. Shes a snobb.
Dum too, becaz she told me I culd mayk frends if I had a parrty. What a joak. Id be siting ther with all this cayk and ise creem and noboddy to shair it with. She sayd shed invit my frends as a surprys. Shed be the won who was surpryssed.
Jan 21
My parrents wuldnt try to berry Gram in the cript, wair she wanted to be. They put her in the new semmetary, just a ordinery grayv like enybody else. Not evan a toomstoan, just a mettal playt on the grownd with her name and the yeers.
I told them Gram sed she had a rite to be berryd in the cript, wair the rest of the Crapers were. But they told me noboddy ever beleeved that story. They sed Gram had maid it up becaz she grue up in an orfenaje.
That’s a lye. I no it.
Jan 24
I road my byke to the old semmetary today. I looked at the angell over Sally Dennis grayv. It had a byutifull face. Gram sed the angell was payd for by the guy who maid her preggnat. That was Gram’s father. My grate-granfather. I went over to the cript wair his boddy is. I trased his name on the stone with my fingerrs. It was cold, and I shivvered.
I wanted to brake open the stone cofin and drag his boddy out. But its probly nuthing but boans now. And I culdnt hert him. Hes ded.
Noboddy can hert you when your ded.
Jan 26
Im stil tryng to reed the book I prommised Gram Id reed. The bich librain wants it back becaz its overdew. I told her I was stil reeding it, but she didnt cair. She cairs mor abowt the books than abowt the stoodents.
It’s a hard book. I think there must be some mesaje in it that Gram wanted me to lern. So I have to be kairful not to miss it. I reed it for almost an our evvery nite.
This girl at scool was reeding the same book I am. Shes reel prety even thou she hasnt got much up frunt. I wish I had the nerv to talk to her. We could disscus the buk.
I bet she wuldnt do it. Shes realy smart and probly nos Im dum. She wuldnt want to talk abowt a book with me.
Jan 27
I was thinking abowt sexx. Maybee becuz I had bin luking at that girl at scool. I liked her hare. It was red. She probly has red hair down on her pusy to. Thinking abowt that gave me a hardone. I got to be kairfull not to get wun in scool. Theyd mayk funn of me.
Evrybody thinks abowt sexx, dont they? Your not suposed to tho. Even my parrents probly think abowt it. Buit they wouldn’t dreme of telling me what kind of sexx they think about.
Why not? I gess your not supozed to think of your parrents havving sexx. I just tryed to, and its trew. I didn’t lyke to think abowt it. It didnt even give me a hardone.
Its not lyke they are duing enything rong. It’s alrite to have sexx, as long as your marryed. Before then, its a sin, a teribble thing. Why is it bad wun day and good the next?
In Sunday scool, the teecher warns us about giving in to our immpulses. He meens sexx. Why duzent he say so?
Jan 28
If you listen to peepol at school, at leest haf of them, the boys enyway, claym theyv allready had sexx. Maybee sum have. Maybee their lyeing. How wuld I no? I think enybody who has the chants to have sexx probaly duz it.
That woldnt aply to girls. They can be choosey, becaz enny boy wuld have sexx if you let him. So that gives girls a big addvantaje. They can have sexx enytime they want.
But onley sum of them due. Why? Becuz they get preggnat? They dont have to. They just have to mayk sure the boy uses a condum.
Probly they dont lyke it as much as boys. So you have to perswayd them. Bring them stuf lyk candy. Tayk them to the movvies or bye them diner. Its kind of lyke a brybe wen you think abowt it.
Jan 30
I thot abowt what I rote last time and relized that thair are sum girls who never have sexx. Uggly girls. Nobuddy wants to have sexx with them.
Dona Hendriks was wun I was sure about. Ever since we were in grayd scool, evrybody knew that Dona was the pig of the class. There are more girls in the high scool, but Dona is still the class scagg. But you know what they say. They all look alyke in the dark. I figgered that having sexx with her wouldnt feel enny diferent than with eny other girl. If I clozed my eis, I culd immajin she was enybody. Even the red-hared girl.
So I kind of wayted untill I culd get her alone. I maid a plan. She was the last one at her tabel to finnish luntch, and I just kind of cashuly went over and sat down. You no, it was obvyus why shes so fat. She had actualy scrounjed the leftovvers from the treys of the other girls at the tabel and was finnishing them off. When I sat down, she kind of drew her trey a littel closer, like she was woried I was going to take sum of the food.
I just kind of smyled, to reashur her. Food wasnt what I was affter. I saw her relaxx, but she still looked at me funny. She was wonderring if it wasnt food, what was I thair for?
Even though I had rehersed what I was goyng to say, I felt nervus. Isnt that dum? Why should enybody feel nervus arownd a girl like Dona? So enyway, I finally just caym owt and sed it. Wuld you lyk to have sexx?
She didnt get it at first. She just gave me a funy look. I could see she thot this was lyk a hipothettical question. As if I was talking about sexx in genral, was it a good idea and that stuf.
She ate sum mor. A half an aple ternover. Then she sed What do you cair? Lyke her fielings were hert.
I tried to make it a litel kleerer. I mean, without actuly drawing a pitcher of the two of us having sexx. I meen sexx with me, I told her. You wanna have sexx? With me?
She blinked, and then she kept blinking, like sumthing had goten into her ayes. But I culd tel she was working hersellf up to say sumthing. It wasnt going to be a yes, I culd tel. Her fayce started to get red and the blinking kept going on and on.
You? she finely sed. I can heer the way she sed it, rite now. It mayks me sik to my stummak. I got the iddea that she didnt think my chances of having sexx were eny better than hers. See what I meen? Girls realy do have it beter.
Sex with you? she sed, a litel lowder this time. I luked arownd to see if ennybody culd heer.
I tryed to explayn, wich was a big mistayk. I shuld just have goten up and left her with the treys of food, which she wuld imeediyately have dug into. It’s yuseles to explayn ennything to sumboddy whos just dumm.
It wuld be a way for you to fynd owt what its lyke, I sed. Now to me, that’s just reesonnable. I mean, I figgered *I* wuld have a good time, having sexx, but I was trying to mayk the poynt that it wasnt going to be all wun syded.
She didnt see it that way. You’re just a wurm, you now that? she sed. A retarrdid wurm. She tuck a deep breth and sed I bet your dik luks like a wurm. I bet its just l
yke a tyny littel wigly pink worm.
She went on like that so I got up and left her allown with the treys. She doesnt no what my dik looks like, and nevver will. Ive been in a boys loker room and seen other diks, and mine may not be the worlds bigest, but so what? It’s not the smalest, eether. Donas probaly nevver seen an aktuel dik in her life, xcept if she found wun on the Interrnet. But not in reel lyfe.
And she nevver will.
Jan 31
Talking with Dona made me pisst off for the hole day. Even tho I didnt kair what she sayd. I didnt hear ennything that the teecher sed in eny of my affternoon clases, not that it matered. Wurld hisstory, probaly all lyes. Math, who neads it if you have a calcyullator? American littercher, blah blah blah. I kept thinking about tieing Donna face down, striped nayked, and what Id do to her fat ass. I started to get a hardone in Mr. Greggoryos math class, probably the only time in hisstory that ever hapened to enybody.
But after the last clas I went to my loker, and I saw Dona again. She was talking to sum other girls and they were looking at me. Laffing. And I new what shed dun. Shed told them that I was sutch a dork, so dessprate for sexx that I had to ask the bigest scagg in the scool for it. For pitty sexx.
I wanted to kill her. I dont no why I didnt.
Xcept I wuld have had to strangel her and shes to fatt.
Feb 1
I thot about killing Dona so mutch that I couldnt sleap last night. But realy, thinking about it today, I wunder if I realy wuld kill her. If I had the chance.
Is is hard to kill sumboddy? I dont no ennyboddy who actuly did it. And its not lyke sexx, becaz peepol dont evven claym they did it. Peepol kill byrds, dears, rakoons, annimals like that. But killing a person wuld be harder.
Why is that, realy? First of all, you wuld get punnished if you were caut. Thats the bigest thing. Isnt it? Realy? Thats why they have to have laws, so peepol dont go arownd killing enybody they dont like.
But if you hayted sumboddy bad enuf, you mite not kair about geting punnished. Do I hayt Dona that much?
It mite be harrder than you think. It looks eazy on tv and the movvies wair they blo up peepol or have these imense guns that just blo evvrybody away. I dont have enny boms or guns.
I culd get sum. A gun, ennyway. Thair are plennty of playces wair you culd get a gun. But you need muny, and you have to be ayteen. Probaly you wouldnt actualy have to be ayteen. The guy in the store out on the hiway has a bilboard out in front where he posts mesajes that he rites. He hates laws aginst guns, you can tell that from his messajes. He hates liberls a lott to.
Feb 3
I was reeding sum of that buk at lunch. Almost evrybuddy else had gon owtsyd. Then I noatised that the red-heded girl was stil thair to. I maid myself get up and go over. But I just stud thair until she notised me. She kind of had to say sumthing. I showd her I had the saym buk. We talked abowt it and I told her abowt Gram. But she didnt understand, not reely. I asked her if we culd disscus the buk, but that was stoopid. Stoopid. Stoopid. Stoopid. Of coarse she wuldnt discus a buk with sumbudy like me. I gess she thinks it wuld be lyk talking to a dog.
Feb 5
I was siting in the luntchroom by myself again (surpries). Dona was by herself to. Her bak was turned. I pretended to aym a gun at her and shoot it. Using my finger, like sum dumm kid. Bang bang. It wasnt reel. I wunder what it wuld feel lyke if it was reel.
Sumbuddy must hav seen me ayming my finger at Dona. They put a noat inside my desk in math class.
It sed YOU SHOULD USE A REAL GUN.
I looked arownd to see who was waching me. But nobuddy was.
Feb 6
Its kind of creapy to think that sumboddy is waching me. I asked Seese if it was him who put the noat in my desk, but he sed no. I made him sware it wasnt. So I got to be kairful what Im doing now. Peepol spie on you all the time. Even wen your on the commputer. They say sumboddy can steel your identitty if your not kairful. Thats kind of a laff tho. Who wuld want my identitty?
When Im not writting these thots, I put the thum dryve in a sayf playce. Insyde wun of my old sneekers. It smels, so my mother wuld nevver tuch it.
When Im at scool, I put it in my pants poket.
Feb 7
Sumboddy sent me a nuther note. It was tayped to my loker door.
It sed EMAIL ME AT [email protected]
I put it in my poket rite away so nobuddy wuld see.
I went home and thot a long time. I wished Gram was stil alyve so I culd ask her what to do. I new if I told my parrents, theyd just call the pollise. I didnt need the pollise.
Feb 9
I red sum more of the angell book last nite. That put me to sleap. When I woke up, I sent a email to patrot0000.
I sed dont mayk funn of me.
Feb 10
This morning I had a mesage on my email.
I culd see that it was from PATROT0000. I was afrayd to open it, becaz I thot they were mayking funn of me.
But nothing hapened at scool, so when I got home I opened it. It sed
I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU. WE COULD BE FRIENDS.
I no their mayking funn of me.
I didnt rite back.
Feb 11
Im verry nervus at scool now. I keap turrning arown to see if enyboddy is waching me. Sum black kid named Markus saw me duing that and sed What are you looking for retarrd? I got mad and told him not to cal me a retarrd. He sed I was a retarrd and hed call me wun enytime he wanted. I called him a niger then. So he puntched me and even tho hes big I puntched him back. Al of a suden peepol sircled arown to wach us fite. I wuld probaly goten killd xcept the footbal coch broak it up. Then Markus told him Id called him a niger, and the coch sent me to Miz Brenans ofise.
Miz Brenan balled me out and gave me a lekchur on hate speach. I told her that Markus had caled me a retarrd, but she sed that was not as bad as caling him a niger. I dont no why not. I think thats hate speach to.
Miz Brenan sent me to the libary to rite a paje teling why hate speach was wrong. While I was thair, the bich librain came over and told me I had to retern that book. She asked me if I had it in my loker. It reely was, but I told her it was at hoam. Then she asked me if I lost it. I shold of told her yes, but I sed I prommised my Gram that I wuld finnish it. She sed Gram shuld bye me a book of my own. I told her Gram was dead and then I starrted yeling at her, so she sent me back to Miz Brenans offis.
Feb 12
Miz Brenan sayd I had to go to the cownseler. Her name is Miz Littel. She pretens to be nyce to me, but all the time shes riting down noats. I bet if I saw the noats Id see that she thot I was crazy and retarrded. She told me I had to work on my angar mannajemant. I told her Markus called me a retarrd and she sed names canot hurt me. I sayd so why was it bad to call Markus a niger. She sed becaz of slayvery and sensitivvity. I sed I never called Markus a slayv. She told me to work on it and come see her agin nex weak.
I was reeding sum more of that Angell book and I noatised that the awthor uses the word niger. How come nobody akyuzed him of hate speach?
Feb 14
I got an email from patrot0000. It sed
I HEAR YOU CALLED MARCUS A NIGER. YOU GOT BALLS.
I rote back
I’m not sposed to do it again. Miz Brenan sed I could be susspendid.
And he rote back
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF MARCUS.
I rote back
What other ways?
He rote back
KILL THE BASTARD.
I didnt want ennyboddy to see that, so I errased it and loged of.
But I thot abowt it.
Feb 15
Markus is in my soshul studdies clas. Hes not mutch smarter than I am, reely. But the teecher lykes him and nevver trys to make him look stuppid. I sat rite behind him and looked at the back of his hed. I thout abowt what it wuld be lyke
to put a bulet in it. But I didnt actuly due it. Maybe thats angar mannajemant.
Or maybee it was just becaz I didnt have a gun.
I got anuther mesaje from patrot0000. I didnt want to open it, but I culdnt help mysellf. It sed I SAW YOU LOOKING AT MARCUS. YOU WANTED TO KILL HIM, DIDN’T YOU?
I erased it rite away and didnt replie.
When I got home, thair was annother mesaje. It sed
YOU’VE GOT TO TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO DO IT
I sent back
Are you makking funn of me
He sed
NO I’M JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WITH THE BALLS TO DO IT
I didnt replie, but I kept thinking abowt it a lott.
Feb 16
I had to meet with the cownsoler Miz Littel today. It was nuthink speshul, but it got me owt of math clas. She askd me how my angar mannajemant was goyng. I sed fine and I hadnt called ennyboddy a niger again. She was hapy and made a noat. I wunder what she wuld think if I told her abowt the emails Ive bin geting. But I was to smart to tel her abowt thoas. Id be susspendid for sure. Maybe expeled.
At luntch, I got annother email
DID YOU TELL MS LITTLE ABOUT EMAILING ME? YOU BETER NOT
I sent back
I didnt tell her ennything abowt your emails
But I new he was still waching me. He must be in my math clas.
Feb 18
Last nite I got to the part of Look Hoamword Angell that Gram probaly wanted me to reed. Im goyng to copy it owt here so I dont forgett it.
It was rite after the heros brother Ben dies.
It sayd
We can believe in the nothingness of life, we can believe in the nothingness of death and of life after death, but who can believe in the nothingness of Ben?
I red that over lots of times now and I think I get it. If peepol rememmber you, you dont reely die. So as long as I rememmber Gram shell be allive. Shell be reel.
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