But wair is she now?
Wairever she is they cant hert her.
They cant hert you when your ded.
Feb 20
My parents got a noat from the scool teling them that I had been sent for cownsoling. Its a legel rekwiremant. My muther was mad and sed it was becuz I hung out with peepul like Seese. My father was mad to, but he seemed more mad at the scool. Caleb duznt nead cownsoling, he told my muther. He neads sum dissiplan.
And to me he sed Youv got to shayp up or ship owt. Stop whinning abowt things and bukle down.
He lykes to say things lyke that. Their sort of his rules for lyfe. He also says theirs no probblem so dificult you cant solv it.
I got annother mesaje from patrot0000. He thinks its time we met, onley not in scool. I wish I culd ask my father how to solv that probblem. Hed probaly tell me to keep my noas to the gryndstoan. I dont know how that wuld help.
I dont no how to get help.
Feb 23
Evry day patrot0000 keaps wanting to meat in perrson. I wish I culd ask Miz Littel what to due, but shed just maik a noat and tell me to consentrait on angar mannajemant. I wish there was sumboddy in the scool that you culd just go and ask a quesstion and not have them get xsited and put it on your rekord.
Evrywair I go in scool now I think thairs sumboddy looking at me. Waching my evry moove. But I never katch them at it. I got to wach owt.
Feb 25
Miz Littel asked me who my frends were. I told her I didnt have enny. I wuld hav told her abowt Sees but he livs in a trayler park. She wuld think I was dum.
Miz Littel says I shuld work on soshul skils and try to start conversashuns. I sed I didnt no what to talk abowt and she sayd find sumthink of mutyuel intrest. I asked lyke what. She sed find sumthing yer both intersted in. I dont no how to do that withowt talking to peepol, and nobuddy wants to talk to me. I thot of teling Miz Littel abowt the red-heded girl and Dona, but shed probly have me comited.
Tonite I emailed patrot0000 and sed Id meat him at the semmatary on Saterday. Maby hell help me develup my soshul skils.
Feb 28
I road my byke to the semmatary and met patrot0000. I was surprysed to find owt who he realy was in real lyfe. He new that I rite down my thots, and maid me prommise not to put his reel name in my book. Its for sekyuritty, he sed.
He cald me Cale at first untill I told him I was realy Caleb. I onley told that to wun other person, who wuld be my frend xcept he livs in a trayler park.
Me and Patrot tallked abowt the kids at scool that we hayted. He hayts a lot of peepol, evan tho I thot he was poppuler. At furst I thot he was makking funn of me, but he realy duz hayte them. Espeshly the kids who are blak.
So he sed to me, Are we goeing to due sumthing abowt this or just let are scool be run by nigers. I didnt think of that befor. I shuld hav told that to Miz Littel. Ha ha
Patrot had brot a 22 rifel along and showd me how to shoot it. I never shott wun before. It was sort of funn, espeshly when he put old botels on top of toomstoans and we wuld shoot at them and brake them. I pretennded they were Dona and Markus. And then the librain to, wen I thot abowt it.
But wen Patrot started to shoot at the angle, I stoped him. I told him about Gram and that it was her mother who was burried under the angle. It felt gud to be abel to tel sumwon. He didnt laff eether. So I told him abowt the Crapers and how wun of them made Sally Dennis preggnat.
Patrot sed, Do you no who the Crapers reely are? They chanjed theyr name becaz it meens shiter. I sed No I didnt no. He sed they chanjed it to Craft, and the gurl in our clas who is Sharon Craft is reely a Craper. I didnt beleeve it at furst, but he swor it was trew.
Patrot sed I kneaded mor practis with shooting, so we sed wed meat agin. He warnd me not to act lyk I new him at scool, becaz we want to keap our plan a sekrit. I asked him what the plan was and he sed hed let me no when it was tyme.
Mar 2
Its good to no I have a frend, even tho I cant sit at the tabel with him and his other frends. He sed nun of them are as loial as I am. I tryed not to look at him to mutch. Becaz of sekyuritty. I wanted to tell Seese about my new frend, but Patrot sed no. I culdnt be frends with both of them. Seese hasnt been so frendly anyway sinse the bizines with Dona. Ennyway, Patrot is much cooler.
Mar 3
Its easyer to go to scool now that I no that Patrot neads me for a sekret plan. Miz Littel sed my angar manajemant is immpruving.
Mar 7
I culd hardly wate for Saterday. I was thair erly. I wishd I had my own rifel so I culd praktis aloan. Wen I told Patrot that he sed hed help me get wun, but it wuld cost $200. I didnt no wair I culd get that. My parrents wuldnt give it to me, thats for shur.
Patrot sed you got to be wiling to dair big. I didnt no xaktly what that ment. He sed it ment that if my parents have sumthing I culd sell I shuld take it. I sed they had a car, but he sed it shuld be sumthing they wuldnt notis if it was gone. I wasnt too sure I culd do that, but he sed you got to dair big.
We praktissed shooting sum more. Im geting beter at it. Patrot sais we wil be a lot closer to the targetts when we cary owt the plan.
Mar 10
My father has a drawr wair he keeps old coyns. I emailed Patrot and asked if he thot we culd sell those and he sed to look for the gold wuns.
He hardly ever looks in that drawr enyway. I dont even think hed no if wun or to of the coyns was gone. So I tuk to of them.
Mar 12
I wayted a few days to see if my father mised the coyns but nuthing hapened. I dont think he will at leest not untill the plan is carryed owt.
Mar 14
Today I brot the coyns to give to Patrot. He sayd he culd eazly get $200 for them, maybee mor so we had enuf left over for other suplys like amunishun. He sed next weak Id have my own rifel. I got xcited to think abowt that.
Patrot decyded to reveel the plan to me as a rewarrd for turning over the coyns. He sayd I shuldnt rite it down becaws of sekuritty. But wen I herd it I got skared. I was woried I culdnt cary owt the plan. Patrot sayd it was to layt to bak down becaws I had comitted miself. Enny way it was part of dairing big. I shuld consentrayt on that to gain curaje.
Mar 17
I road owt to the semmatary by miself today after scool. Not to meat Patrot but becaz it mayd me hapy to be thair. I met an old minnister thair. I was afrayd he was spying and wuld reveel the plan. But wen I started talking to him he didnt have a clew. I asked him if he new Sally Dennis, and he sed she was befoar his time. I told him she was my Grams mother. I dont no if he beleeved me. He asked me abowt Gram and I sed she had dyed. I told him she was the only person who thot I was enny good. That seemed to wayk him up. He told me that there are manny peepol who luv us. We dont no the nayms of all of them. I started to arrgu with him, but decided I didnt want to mayk him suspishus. He mite see us on Satterday sumtym.
When I went home I thot abowt what the minnister sed. I tryd to think of peepol who mite luv me. Not my parrents, thats for sur. They want me to be sumthing else insted of who I am. Sumbuddy they can be prowd of. Im not good enuf for them. I nevar will be.
I thot Patrot mite luv me. Xcept hes a guy and guys arnt suposed to luv eech other. But if I culd Id luv him.
We wuldnt have sexx or ennything lyke that.
Mar 21
Patrot brot me my own rifel today. Its a Brouning BLR. He sed it was lite enuf to cary and trak a target. Wen I told him about meating the minnister, he sed wed better muve to a more sekyur place to praktis from now on. We road ar bykes out to a forrest wair he sed peepol onley went to hunt.
He showd me al abowt the rifel, to lode it and aym it. I lerned how to cok it. I had to due it fast, Patrot told me. Becaz I wuld have a lot of targets to tayk down and sum of them mite be runing away.
I was reely xcited becaz I kept thinking of what Dona wuld think wen she saw me with the rifel. I b
et shed drop her pantees for me then.
Thinking abowt that now givs me a hardone. I think Im goyng to giv in to my impulses.
I better not rite enny mor.
Mar 23
The bich liebrain sent a noat to the cownslor abowt my overdew libray book. Miz Littel asked me why I didnt retern it. I told her I had prommised my Gram Id reed it and it was long. Miz Littel sed she was sure my Gram wuldnt want me to keep it overdew. I sayd a prommise was a prommise and since Gram was ded I culdnt take bak the prommise. Miz Littel made a noat.
I just hoap the bich liebrain is thair wen we cary owt the plan. But I cant rite abowt that.
Mar 28
Patrot sais the tyme is drawing neer. He explayned that we will cary owt the plan on a day when Mr. Barns sends all are enemys to the liebray at wunce. We will stor the ryfels in my locker the day befor. Then we can meat thair befor clas. Then we will go to the libray. Im not sposed to rite down what will happen next. But peepol will remmemmber.
When we praktised today, Patrot put up pitchers of sum of the peepol we will be tarrgiting. Shooting at them is good praktis for the reel thing. I was hapy when I shot at Donas pitchur. And Marcuses. Its geting xciting to think abowt the plan.
Mar 30
Miz Littel askd me if I returnd the libray book. I sed no. She told me I shuld tayk ressponsibilty for my aktchuns. I sed the only aktchun I was tayking was reeding the book and what was so bad abowt that? She made a noat and sed I had a probblim with athorrity figgyurs.
April 1
Today is April Fools Day. I wanted to go up to Dona and preten to shoot her and then yel April Fool. But I culdn’t becaz of sekuritty. She saw me looking at her tho and turnd up her noas lyke I smeld bad. Prety soon shell begg me to have sexx.
April 2
I walkd arownd the scool looking for the peepol who ar the tarrgits. I imajinned carying out the plan with eech of them to see if I culd do it. I nead to except my roll, Patrot says. I think I can. Its scary but you got to dair big.
April 4
We praktised with the pitchers agan today. Patrot culd see I was stil nervus, and he told me that superrier beings always destroy the inferrier wuns. It was a law of nachur, and that was just the way it waz. We wuld not get cawt as long as we kild enybuddy who saw us. We wuld dich the rifels and go owtsyd like we had nuthing to do with it.
What abowt the wuns who arnt are ennemys, I asked him. Maybe we shuld spair them.
He sed they were kolatterul dammaj. He told me how the kernel explayned it. When our armd forces went to Irak, they had to cleer a town called Falluja, wich was held by are ennemys. It was nesesary to kill evrybuddy who wuldnt leeve the town. Even the babys, becaz the ennemy sumtimes hid boms in thair dipers. It was the onley way to resku the town from the ennemy. So the inocent wuns who dyed were kolatterul dammaj. The soljers who tuk Falluja all got meddals so that showd it was alrite.
April 6
I felt prety good abowt the plan today. Now wen I look at the uther kids in scool I dont kare if they think Im dum. Becaz wen the plan is carryd own me and Patrot will be reveeled as superrier beings.
April 7
I finnished Look Hoamword Angell so I kept my prommise to Gram. At the end of the book the hero Gene gos off to Harverd, wair his father did not want him to go. So maybee the mesaj Gram wanted me to lern was that you shuld due wat you want, not wat yur parrents want. Its like what Patrot is allways saying, Dair big.
April 8
Miz Littel sayd she saw a chanj in my atitood. I was afrayd shed gess we have a plan. But no. She just sed I seamed to have my angar manajement under controll. I sed yes I elt much beter and she maid a noat. Gess I foold her. Anuther sine of being a superrier being.
April 11
Its all set now. Patrot nos what Mr Barns skedul is, and the day when all our enemys are in the liebray will be next Wensday. Today we praktised by shooting live things like burds and watevver animals were arownd. I was to xcited to hit enny, but Patrot sais when we ennter the liebray evvrywon will freez and we can pick them off wun by wun.
Patrot told me to cleer my mynd of everthing xcept my purrpos. Consentrayt on that. I was duing that at super when my mother asked me what I wuz thinking abowt. I laffed becauz shed be surprysed if she new. Then my father sed hes allways got his hed in the clowds. They culd be kolatterul dammaj sumday.
April 13
I think thairs a chance we wont surrvyv. Patrot just tels me we will becaz he thinks I wont have the gutts to dye. But I allreddy figgered that owt. It duznt mater if you live to be 100 or onley 15, as long as you do sumthing that peepol will remmemmber. In this town peepol will remmemmber me. As a superrier being.
And noboddy can hert you when your ded.
But I want to put this book in a sayf plase. I made brayl marks in my loker wair onley a blynd personn will fynd them and no wat they meen. Sumday a blynd personn will get my loker and figger them owt. Maybe a hunderd yeers from now.
Im goyng owt now to put the book in a playse that nobuddy wil think of luking unles they reed the brayl marks. In Sallys angells arms. It wil be sayf thair. For as long as the angell is thair. If ennybuddy finds it, they have fownd my sole in it.
This is the end of Caleb’s book, in wich he tryd to mayk sens of his life. And deth.
III
Paul’s Book
chapter eighteen
IT WAS ALMOST TWO in the morning when I finished reading Caleb’s book. I turned out the light and got into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about what I had read.
Even though Caleb couldn’t spell worth shit, he did what my dad says all fiction writers try to do. He came alive on the page. Even though he’s dead. I could feel him in the room with me. His soul was in the USB drive, like he said. I was afraid if I turned on the light, I’d see him.
He was crazy, sure. But he had some reasons.
And he had somebody who led him along.
I was sure I knew who that somebody was.
Unless there were two people in this town who called their father “Colonel.” Or as Caleb spelled it, the kernel.
It had to be North. He did what his father said should have been done to Caleb. Told him how to behave. What to think. What to do. Turned him into a killer.
But what was I going to do about it?
At school on Monday, I tried to avoid everybody. Terry waved at me when I came into Ms. Hayward’s classroom, but I didn’t go over and sit next to her. I just sat in the back and hoped Ms. Hayward wouldn’t call on me. She didn’t.
I wasn’t in any of North’s classes until third period, math with Mr. Gregorio. North always had a bunch of jocks and pretty girls sitting around him, so I didn’t need to make any special effort to keep away from him.
But at lunch, there was no way. Sitting at the jock table as always, North caught my eye as I came off the line with my tray. He waved me over and if I had tried to ignore him, he would have known something was wrong.
The news at the table was good, and he wanted to share it: somebody had found a new place to park on Friday nights. It was Ames, an old discount store that had closed. They had a parking lot that was usually too lit up for the purposes that North and his friends wanted. But either somebody had shot out the lights, or the company that owned the property had stopped paying the electric bill. Either way, it was dark and had plenty of room for cars.
North started to rag me. “Now, you’re only allowed to park there if you promise not to do anything stupid. No climbing the light poles and fixing the lights.”
Big laugh from around the table.
“And no complaining to the cops if your girl don’t give you what you want.”
Screams of laughter and various suggestions as to what I could want.
I just looked at North. Normally, I would try to join in the laughter to show what a good guy I was, but I ha
d just read how North took a not-too-bright kid and turned him into a killer.
What I wanted to know was: how did it work out so that Caleb was the only killer, and North got away? What really happened the day it all came down?
There was only one person who could tell me that.
And if I asked him, he would know I had found Caleb’s book.
I made an excuse for not working in the newspaper office after school, but then it turned out I had to wait for Susan, who was helping Ms. Clement reshelve books in the library. Ms. Clement was cheery and sexy as usual. I wondered how old she was. She might have just graduated from college last year. She might have skipped a grade. Maybe she was only three years older than me.
But then I reminded myself there was still Colleen. And her boobs, which were, frankly, better than Ms. Clement’s.
“How are you doing with Look Homeward, Angel, Paul?”
Ms. Clement had a nice voice. I could fall in love with that alone.
“Pretty good,” I said. “You were right. It is long.”
“We have some new titles for young readers that have just come in,” she said. “You might like some of those.” I knew what she was thinking. It was a pretty big stretch to go straight from Dr. Seuss to Thomas Wolfe.
The books she showed me were nearly all written for girls. They either had vampires, or werewolves, or zombies, or a combination of all three. Girls were the main characters and they had tame boyfriends who weren’t anything like boys I had known. Sort of like neutered dogs. Good for petting, but not much else. No wonder the girls liked vampires better.
But I checked one of the books out to make Ms. Clement feel like she had made a contribution to reading.
On the way home, Susan said to me, “I didn’t know you liked tween chick lit.”
“The book?” I said. “I just took it because she offered it to me. If you want to read it, you can.”
“I stopped reading that author in seventh grade,” she said.
I went back to Thomas Wolfe that night. Got through eleven pages. Tween chick lit was looking better with every page.
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