Hate Sex: A Novella

by Sinden West

  “What are you getting at?”

  “Just, don’t get your hopes up, or your expectations. Liam always looks out for himself first.”

  I take a deep breath. “Has he talked to you about me?”

  She shakes her head and takes a drink from her bottle. “I don’t talk to the guys about girls they’re screwing. They may be my friends, but I hate how they treat girls.” Then she looks me straight in the eye. “Liam is no different. You should look out for yourself.” I don’t know what to think or say, but then some of her friends come over and I escape.

  My head is thumping and I need to find somewhere quiet to think. I head upstairs to where I know a bathroom is and open the door without knocking. Kate is there, she’s looking at herself in the mirror and turns around when she sees my reflection. I know that she feels plain in contrast to me, her hair and eyes are a plain brown, freckles traverse her nose, and her clothes are simple. As if she can tell what I’m thinking, she gives me a cold glare. I’m too drunk for it to faze me though. I move past her and check my eyeliner hasn’t smudged.

  It takes me by surprise when she speaks. “You know, you’re pretty.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her but stay silent as I prepare myself for whatever she’s got coming. “But there’s nothing underneath, not really. You’re just a fake shell, and when your beauty’s gone, what will you be left with?”

  I keep watching her in the mirror, silent and wary as she continues.

  “Did you think someone like Liam would really be into you? He’s smart, brilliant even. He’s way too good for you.” She laughs then, and I know that she’s about to put the icing on the cake. “They’re all laughing at you, Liam and his friends. There was some kind of bet. They’re laughing behind your back about how he got the prissy, stuck up Michaela Matthews to be his whore, to suck his dick. Apparently, you’re really good at that,” she says spitefully as I feel my whole body go numb. “So, now you know. All you are to Liam is somewhere to put his dick.”

  “His cum slut.” I whisper.

  “What?” She frowns. “Anyway, now you know. You should thank me. I’ve stopped you looking like a fool.” She sweeps out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. My hands are gripping the vanity and my knuckles have gone white. I let go and sink to the floor, welcoming the cold tile beneath my hands just so I can feel something other than this thing raging inside of me.

  When I can finally move, I set about searching for something to drink. I steal one of Jeremiah’s beers, a second and third follow. He’s enjoying the view of my body in this dress which gives me leeway to raid his precious alcohol supply. I don’t dance any more. I’m not in the mood for that. Instead I find a chair to rest in and watch the antics around me as I set about getting drunker and drunker so that I won’t have to think anymore. Paranoia has set in a little as well, and I wonder if people are laughing at me like Kate said.

  When Mags stumbles over to me and tells me she’s heading upstairs with some guy, I grab her arm before she can go.

  “Are people talking about me behind my back and laughing at me?” I ask desperately.

  “No.” She frowns. “I haven’t heard anything. Why?”

  “Just something someone said,” I mutter.

  She looks at me with concern in her eyes. “Do you want me to stay with you? I can ditch this guy if you want?

  “No, go. Go have fun.”

  “Are you sure? You seem upset.”

  I shake my head. “I’m just drunk. Go on, it’ll be fine.”

  The guy comes along at that moment and wraps an arm around her waist and he bends down to whisper in her ear. Her eyes light up but she’s still concerned about me.

  “Go!” I tell them, plastering a smile on my face to convince her. The guy takes the initiative and starts leading her away. My smile drops the instant they disappear from view.

  “That bitch always gets the best looking ones,” Nat says wistfully as she plops down into the chair beside me. “Hey, I’ve wanted to say sorry for what I said at school. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak.”

  I look at her expectantly.

  “You know, I said that Liam was only using you for sex, remember?” she explains.

  “It’s okay. But why did you say that? Has someone said something?” I drink my beer as I await her response, I feel like I might need it.

  She looks uncomfortable and lifts a shoulder. “People have said a few things, but I know they’re really just jealous, that’s why. All I meant was that because you’re not going out obviously, you just hook up. You deserve better.”

  “What have people been saying?” I tighten my grip on my bottle in anticipation.

  She looks away. “That him and that group he hangs with are laughing about how he gets to screw you whenever he wants. How he’s got you wrapped around his finger, or cock, in this case.” She looks at me and notices the tears in my eyes. “Oh don’t cry. I didn’t want to upset you. They’re only rumors, and anyway someone like you should be with the more preppy guys, not those druggie losers.”

  I chug back the rest of my beer and then stand up. “I need to use the bathroom.”

  “I’ll come with you,” Nat says, preparing to stand. But I shake my head at her.

  “I want to be by myself.”

  “Oh,” she looks at me sadly. “I should never have said anything, I’m sorry.”

  “I’m glad you did, really. Thank you. I’ll be back soon.” I head for the upstairs bathroom but before I mount the stairs I catch a glimpse of Liam surrounded by his friends. I turn my head automatically to obscure him from view as I continue on. I run into Lucas coming out of the bathroom.

  “Hi,” I say breathlessly, as an idea forms in my mind.

  “Hey.” He grins down at me. “Having a good night?”

  “It’s better now.” I’m smiling like an idiot. I boldly grab his hand and pull him with me as I open the door to a bedroom. It’s empty and he follows me in. I let go of his hand and turn to face him. The look on his face is a mixture of apprehension and longing all rolled into one. I take a step closer to him and rest a hand on his waist before I slowly reach up to kiss him softly. He kisses me back while placing his hands on my back and pulling me closer.

  He breaks our kiss off first, removing his hands and taking a step back. I’m frowning at him. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. “What’s wrong?”

  He clears his throat. “Michaela, you’re a real pretty girl and all but…”

  “What? I thought you liked me,” I say softly, not able to disguise my hurt.

  “I do, I do! It’s just I’m with Sarah now.”

  “Oh.” How had I missed that? “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

  “It’s cool, it’s fine. I should never have kissed you back though.”

  “Can we please just forget this ever happened? I’m so embarrassed.”

  He smiles at me. “That’d be for the best. I really am sorry though. Hey, do you mind if we leave separately, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.” And with that he opens the door and slips out. I sit down on the bed with my head in my hands, my face still flushing in embarrassment. I realize that I’m scarily close to crying and try to blink rapidly to cease the tears. I need to get out of here.

  I stand up and straighten my skirt and quickly check my appearance in the mirror. I don’t look too bad for a sad drunk. My phone and bag are in Mags’ car so I make my way outside, purposely avoiding all eye contact so I won’t have to talk to anyone. Luckily she hasn’t locked the car so I get my stuff easily.

  There is only one text message on my phone and it’s from Liam.

  ‘Are you at Sarah’s? I’m horny.’ I delete it without replying. I flick a quick text to Mags’ telling her I’m going to my house instead, and then I call a cab. I start to walk down Sarah’s long driveway to wait for it as voices carry from behind me.

  “Nah, Ryan. Even the fat girl didn’t want you.”

  “Only because s
he heard me call her a heifer. Otherwise I would’ve had her down on her knees so fast.”

  It’s Liam and his friends. I don’t want to see them so I quickly duck into the growth of trees and bushes which line the driveway before they come into view.

  “Liam’s still the undisputed king of pussy, Ryan. You gotta long way to go,” says Robbie.

  “Yeah, he managed to get that prissy bitch to drop her panties for him. Maybe you could get her to have an orgy with us?” This is said by Nick. His words sting. I always thought he liked me.

  They all laugh at Nick’s comment. I wait in the darkness of the trees, barely daring to breathe, until they’ve passed by and I hear the roar of an engine. Only then do I dare leave, hugging myself as I walk out to the road. The cab comes a few minutes later and I direct him to my house.

  The caterers are still cleaning up. I walk straight past them and head up the stairs.

  “Michaela,” Stefan calls, but I ignore him and keep going until I reach my bedroom. I drop my bag and jacket on the floor and sit on my bed with my head hanging down despondently. Stefan gives a light knock on the door before opening it.

  “What’s wrong? I thought you were staying at your friend’s house.”

  I shrug, not saying anything.

  He sits beside me. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

  “I just had a bad night,” I manage to force out, but then the tears start to fall freely and instantly, he’s wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to him. I hate that I’m crying here, held in his arms but I just can’t stop the tears.

  He strokes my hair. “Sshh, it’s okay. You’re home now,” he comforts. When the tears finally cease, I pull away and wipe my eyes.

  “What happened?”

  “Just boys being horrible,” I say.

  He gives me a small smile. “Don’t get caught up over boys, you’re too young for that.” He brushes my hair away from my face. “Did a boy not want you?”

  I nod.

  “Oh, Michaela. You should know by now that I’m the only one who loves you.” He catches my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Deep down, those other people, they know what you are. They know that you’re a slutty little whore. They’ll only ever want you for one thing. Now, tell me who loves you?”

  “You do.”

  “Who else?”

  “No one,” I choke out.

  Chapter Thirteen

  It takes me a long time to fall asleep. When I do wake up in the morning, I feel like crap from the alcohol but I manage to shower before throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt. In the mirror, I see dark circles under bloodshot eyes. I forego make-up for once. Stefan is going to hate that. He’s also going to hate that I pull my hair back into a simply ponytail; he likes my hair to be loose down my back. I look like shit.

  The house is quiet and I grab an apple from the kitchen before heading out the door. I have my sneakers on so I walk to the park instead of driving. I sit beneath a tree, hugging my knees to my chest and watching the families and people playing sport around me. My phone sounds periodically with texts letting me know the gossip from last night. Eventually, one comes through from Liam.

  ‘I’ve finished your assignment. Can you come over?’

  I stare at the words long and hard, deciding what to do. Finally I type a message to him.

  ‘I’m at the park. I don’t have my car. Can you come here?’

  A few seconds later my phone beeps. He’s on his way.

  A group of older guys tossing around the football kick it in my direction and it narrowly misses my head. One of the guys jogs away from the group to retrieve his ball. He gives me a blinding grin.

  “Sorry about that. We didn’t get you, did we?”

  “No, but good try.” He grabs the ball from beside me and throws it back to his friends.

  “I’m Daniel.” He holds out his hand for me and I have no choice but to shake it.

  “Michaela.”

  “Nice to meet you, Michaela. What are you doing here sitting alone?”

  “I just want to be myself.” He seems to take this as an invitation to sit down beside me. He’s a good looking guy and if Mags was here she would be flirting her ass off. But I’m not Mags.

  “Well, that’s doesn’t sound like much fun. Why don’t you come play with us?”

  I give a self-conscious smile. “I’m terrible at that, no coordination.”

  He grins at me. “I could teach you a few things.” I’m about to shake my head and decline his offer when a shadow comes over us. Liam is standing there.

  “I can teach her everything she needs to know.” He says this casually, but I can tell he’s pissed. His hands are in fists at his side. Daniel looks up at him and gets to his feet. The two survey each other like they’re sizing each other up. Liam’s eyes are hard and Daniel seems to flinch slightly under his gaze. Daniel put his hands up.

  “Just offering, no harm done.” Then he flicks his eyes to me. “It was nice to meet you, Michaela. I hope I see you again sometime.” Then he turns and saunters back to his friends. Liam watches him go, before sitting beside me.

  “Who’s that dick?”

  “I just met him. Did you bring my assignment?”

  He reaches into his bag and pulls it out. “As promised. This’ll be an A grade, no sweat.”

  “Will it?” I can’t help the tone in my voice and he frowns at me.

  “I already said I was sorry about that. I won’t do it again,” he clips out, pissed.

  I go to get to my feet, clutching the assignment in my hand. “Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one that decided to fuck with my life.” He puts a hand on my arm, stopping me.

  “You’re right. Don’t go.” I relax and sit back down as he continues. “I’m sorry I missed you last night. I only went to that party because you said you were going.”

  “I felt sick so I went home.” He reaches for my hand, running his thumb over my skin in a soothing motion. I hate that I like his touch so much. I hate that he has power over me.

  “Want to come back to my place? I’ve got my car.” This is the moment that I’ve been waiting or, or more likely dreading. I’ve been running over it in my mind. At the end of the day, I still need his help to get a good grade in French but at least now I know where I stand with him. I’ll push my feelings down deep and deal with the humiliation.

  “Sure,” I tell him flatly.

  When we pull into his driveway he curses. His brother and a few other guys are sitting on the porch openly smoking joints and drinking beer. We get out of the car. I can feel the tension in him as his hand brushes mine as he walks by my side.

  “Hey, little brother. Michaela, you’re looking lovely today.” Alex manages to makes this sound so dirty that his friends collapse in laughter.”

  “Leave her alone,” Liam orders.

  “I ain’t doing nothing. Why don’t you guys join us? Have a couple of beers.” Alex’s eyes are scanning my body.

  Liam’s shaking his head, and this is when I decide to speak.

  “Sure,” I say brightly, and sit down on one of the porch steps.

  “What are you doing?” Liam asks, not looking happy.

  “I want a beer.” Liam stares as me for a second, before reluctantly sitting beside me. A couple of beers are passed to us. The cold bottle feels nice and settling against all the turmoil inside me.

  “Cheers!” I say, and Alex and his friend clink their bottles with mine.

  “Cheers!” they chorus. Liam just looks at me sideways, still tense. The joint is offered to me but I refuse. Alex’s friends are called Johno and Mike. The way they look at me makes my skin crawl, but that’s a feeling that I’m used to so it’s not a big deal. At least they’re open about their intentions, unlike Stefan and his friends. They talk about local underground fights that sound vicious and violent. Liam joins in only when they direct a question to him, but his hostility is evident.

  His beer is long gone before mine, and when
I finally drink the last drop Alex is instantly offering another. Liam cuts in before I can say anything.

  “We got stuff to do. C’mon, Michaela.” He gets to his feet and looks expectantly at me as he holds out a hand. I take it slowly and let him pull me up. I flash a bright smile at Alex and his friends.

  “Thanks for the beer.”

  “Anytime, sweetheart.” Alex gives me a grin and I can tell that his hand is itching to grab my ass as I walk past him up the steps.

  “Nice meeting you, Michaela,” Johno says, a slimy smile on his face.

  “You too.” My smile and voice are friendly, Liam jerks my arm.

  “C’mon,” he mutters. He leads me down the hall and into his room. As soon as the door is shut he drops my hand.

  “What the fuck were you doing?” he demands.

  “What are you talking about?” I say absentmindedly as I walk over to the book and start looking at the titles. He has a lot of law books because that’s what he wants to study in college.

  “Encouraging Alex and his friends like that. You’re so naïve.” I allow a small, humorless smile at the bookshelf, which he can’t see of course.

  “I’m not naïve.” My voice is flat and emotionless.

  “Really? Because those guys would have you drunk and naked before you knew it if I wasn’t there, and you were sitting there acting like their best friend.” I hear him take a deep breath. “Look, these aren’t the kind of guys that you’re used to—”

  “You don’t know anything about me.” I turn to face him.

  “Yeah I do. I know that you don’t hang out with people like us.”

  “Am I too,” I search for the word I heard one of them say last night, “prissy. Am I too much of a prissy bitch to hang out with your friends?” I can’t keep the bitterness out of my voice as I watch him.

  That emotionless wall comes over his features. “I’ve never called you that.”

  “It’s what you think, isn’t it?”

  He sighs and sits down on the bed, hanging his head down and running his hand through his hair.

  “I didn’t bring you here to fight with you,” he mutters.