by Sinden West
When Liam rings the doorbell, my Mom is the first one there. She has her own bourbon lazily in hand and clearly she’s had half a bottle. She ushers him in. I can see that she’s got that conniving and flirtatious air about her as she eyes him up and down as I resist the urge to vomit. When she catches a glimpse of me, she scowls. I’m her competition and she knows it. I force a smile on my face and greet my boyfriend. He’s dressed nicely, but not too nice. He could still be taken for a stoner.
“Hey, beautiful,” he says to me quietly as his lips brush my cheek. He smells great and I really want to drag him up to my bedroom as I close my eyes and inhale his scent. But I’m interrupted by Stefan.
“Michaela, may I have a word.” Stefan turns and heads toward his office, and I follow behind like an obedient dog after sending an apologetic look at Liam.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him,” my mother says, there’s a seductive glint in her normally dead eyes. Liam shows no expression, he merely starts examining the paintings on the walls.
Stefan closes the door. His hands start to fumble with his belt buckle and horror overcomes me. He’s not going to make me do this now? Not with Liam here.
“Knees, now.” I consider, pleading, begging, but I learned a long time ago that will do no good. I drop to my knees, obedient and enslaved, and do what I’m good at. His grip on my hair is iron tight, this way he controls the speed. All the while he’s calling me the familiar names. It sickens me to think that Liam could walk in at any moment and witness this, witness the real me. He would never want me if he knew. I swallow Stefan’s revolting cum and he finally releases his grip.
“Have a good time, sweetheart.”
I’ve been dismissed. I duck into the bathroom and brush my teeth until I spit blood. Then a smile is plastered across my face and I go to greet my wonderful boyfriend. He looks grateful to escape my mother’s clutches. I don’t even acknowledge her on the way out.
He won’t me tell where we’re going because it’s a surprise. But before we get there, he pulls his car into a secluded lookout at the lake.
“This is dodgy,” I observe, smiling. He reaches over to the back seat and grabs a package. My present is wrapped in pale pink paper with an ornate bow secured around it.
“Happy Birthday, beautiful.” He kisses me on the mouth, and I kiss him back. I can’t ever get enough of him, but I really want to open my present so I pull away and start to remove the paper.
A copy of The Little Prince in the original French is in my hands. I touch the cover, not even bothering to hide my wide smile.
“I figure you’ve read it enough times in English now to know what it says. And I assume you took your other copy back to the library long ago, otherwise you’re going to have massive fines.”
“I love it.” I open it and inside the cover in Liam’s beautiful script reads:
To Michaela,
You’re my rose
Love, Liam
I launch myself at him, throwing my arms around him and smothering him with kisses.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” Tears prick at my eyes as I hold him tight.
“You don’t think it’s cheesy?”
“No.” I can barely speak because I’m so choked up, and when he sees this, his eyes widen in alarm.
“Hey, no crying on your birthday.” He kisses my hands and rests them back on my book before turning the key. “It’s time for your surprise.”
I guess it’s a party as soon as we turn into Mag’s driveway. But I’m still delighted when everyone jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”
The night is a bit of a blur but it’s great. The only downer is when I find Liam speaking to Ilsa Maxwell. Ilsa is a genius. She and Liam have a rivalry going on when it comes to grades. They’re talking about the summer internship they’ve both applied for. It’s with an American law firm’s London office and since it’s international law that they’re both interested in, both Ilsa and Liam have applied. Thousands apply each year and there are only two spots so the chances of him getting it are slim. But still, the thought of being parted from him makes me feel sick.
I press into his side and his arm comes around me, holding me tight and securely. The sick feeling has died down now that I’m with him and I manage to force a smile at Ilsa. She gives me one back but it’s not genuine. I know that inside that brilliant brain she’s trying to figure out why someone as smart as Liam would want me for a girlfriend. Ilsa is serious but she’s still attractive, or at least she would be if she wore make up and had a better hair style. I suppose Liam will end up marrying someone like her, his equal in brains and drive. But for now he’s mine and I take some comfort in that.
After Liam drops me back home after the party, I find my mother passed out on the couch. She appears peaceful and serene as she lies nearly engulfed in the variety of decorative cushions. I pick up one that has fallen on the floor and go to place it back, but then I pause. It’s such a pretty cushion, the fabric is soft velvet and it’s embroidered with the Fleur de Lis in gold. I run my hand over it, feeling the weight and expense in the cloth. And for a moment, only a moment, I consider pressing it over her face until she can’t breathe anymore. I imagine her hands coming up toward me, clawing at me as she thrashes in pure terror. All this would be over. I would be free of the hold Stefan has over me. Escape would be mine.
I put the cushion back on the chair.
Upstairs, Stefan is waiting for me on my bed. He’s drunk, watching me with glazed eyes as I pause in the doorway momentarily. Then I continue on with my normal activities, removing my coat and earrings, brushing my hair and then into my bathroom to remove my make-up and brush my teeth. All the while, I sense his eyes boring into me as I move about.
“Take it off,” he finally says. I swallow but do what he says, that numb feeling has come over me which is good because it makes it easier to go through with everything. The dress drops to the ground, next is my bra and panties. Then I wait to see what follows. In my mind an eternity passes while I stand there naked before him.
“I love you.” His voice sound like it’s going to crack and for a moment I wonder if he will cry. That’s all he says as I stand there, nails pressing painfully into my palms. He’s staring at me and I want him to get this over with. But nothing happens. He gets up clumsily from the bed, brushes past me, and is out the door closing it quietly behind him.
I stand there, stunned, but he doesn’t come back. I grab a robe and cover myself. Then I free the diary from its hiding place and open it at the next blank page. As always, I write the date at the top and then I proceed to describe how Stefan forced me to fellate him while Liam was only a few feet down the hall. Without thinking, I start to describe Liam and my love for him. This is a definite deviation from the norm because this book is only for bad things. Liam isn’t bad, he’s perfect. I go to rip the page out but for some reason I stop and leave it, smoothing the wrinkles down. I hide the diary again and go to bed, taking my copy of Le Petit Prince with me. I run my fingers lovingly over the inscription and try not to read too much into the ‘Love’ part.
I look at that book each night afterward, always running by fingers over that inscription in a loving ritual that makes me feel safe and loved. Tonight, I haven’t got to that part yet when Stefan comes into my room. Mercifully he is quick and less brutal; it is possible for my mind to wander to happier things until he leaves. Then I pull out my diary and start to write. But when the door opens again I jump in fright and quickly shove it into the school bag sitting on my desk.
Stefan’s back. “Be home by nine tomorrow, I’m having some guests over.” I nod in reply, and then he’s gone again. I grab my precious Little Prince book and curl into bed and I try to stem the anxiety of what may happen tomorrow night. It takes me a long time to fall asleep.
Chapter Sixteen
The next day after school, Liam and I are on his bed. Our naked limbs are entwined and I can’t control my hands from running al
ong the muscle in his body, feeling every curve and rise under his skin just to convince myself that he is real.
“Come to the party tonight,” Liam asks, all the while caressing my thigh.
“I told you I can’t. Stefan wants me home by nine.”
“So, don’t you ever rebel?” I stop my touching.
“You don’t know what he’s like,” I mutter.
He frowns in annoyance. “What’s the worst he gonna to?” There’s an edge to his voice that I don’t like.
“Are you mad at me?” I’m sitting up now, holding the blanket to my body as some kind of defense.
He sighs and sits up as well. “It’s my senior year; I want to spend it with my girlfriend and my friends while I still can. I want to go to parties.”
“I’m not stopping you,” I protest. My heart’s beating hard in my chest in fear. I can’t lose him, I can’t.
“I know, but I want you there with me.” He says this so tenderly that tears automatically form in my eyes. I pull him to me, resting my head on his shoulder so that he can’t see.
“I’ll come for a little while, it that okay?”
“I suppose.” He’s still not happy.
I drive us to the party, when I get there I realize that I’ve left my bag behind at Liam’s house. Oh well, it’s not like Stefan’s going to give me the opportunity to do homework tonight anyway. As soon as we get to the party, I’m pulled away by Lise who’s having a boyfriend crisis. Considering she’s only been with the guy for two weeks I’m not sure how it can be a crisis. I’m the supportive friend anyway while she cries in the bathroom. When she’s recovered enough, I go in search of Liam.
He’s got that Tamsin girl practically wrapped around him. She’s stroking his face and he seems to be eating up whatever she has to say. Something sparks inside me and fear and jealousy run through me. The depth of these feelings scare me. I march up to them in anger.
“I don’t know why you wanted me to come. Is this what you do when I’m not here?” I’m scared that I might cry so I turn around. Liam grabs my arm.
“You’re overreacting,” he says flatly.
“Really?” I spit out.
“Yeah, really. I’m sick of you being so insecure all the time. I should be able to talk to my female friends without you—”
“Shut up,” I say through clenched teeth. I wrench my arm away and start to move through the crowd, searching for the front door. I walk straight into a hard chest.
The boy standing in front of me looks familiar.
“Simon! When did you get back?” The guy that used to have the world’s biggest crush on me is staring at me with a look that could only be described as hostile.
“I got back yesterday.” His voice is tense, like he’s holding something back. “I’m only here for a week’s vacation before I go back to school.”
“Oh, well it’s good to see you.” I’m feeling uncomfortable with the way he’s looking at me. I need to leave now, so I start moving. “I’m just going to—”
But he interrupts.
“You know I spent a lot of time talking to my counselors about you.”
I stop and look at him, I feel naked beneath his scrutiny.
“They helped me figure out what kind of person you are.” A nerve in his neck twitches. My mouth goes dry.
“I finally figured out that you were just using me, the whole time. You just use people for what they can do for you. You’re cold, uncaring. You couldn’t love if you tried.”
People are staring now, but I find that my feet won’t move.
“Simon,” I begin, even though I’m not sure what to say.
“You must have been laughing behind my back the whole time,” He cuts in, his eyes boring holes in me.
I shake my head in denial. “I wasn’t Simon, I would never—”
“You and your bitches of friends must have laughed at how this poor pathetic sap would never get in your pants, even though you let everyone else in.”
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
Liam appears then, and I want to grab on to him for support but I can’t. He’s heard. His eyes glitter with anger. “Seriously dude, you need to back the fuck off right now.”
Simon gives a humorless laugh. “Has she sucked you in too? You know I used to talk about you in group therapy.” His eyes have switched back to me. “There was a guy there, his name was Ricky. His father’s a real asshole. Real abusive and all that shit. Actually, they don’t live that far from here. He used to tell me about the parties his Dad used to have, they’d invite women along and basically it was a free for all. Ricky wasn’t allowed to be there, of course, but he’d hide at the top of the stairs and watch anyway.” Simon pauses and licks his lips, a sadistic smile on his face. My heart is beating so wildly that I’m scared it might fail on me. I should run. I should go. But I can’t. Everyone is quiet and watching us.
“He’s said there was girl there. Real young, like our age. And she was a favorite because you could do whatever you wanted to her. She was real pretty, and this guy Ricky, had a bit of a crush on her, even though he’d never spoken to her. He even took a photo of her on his phone.” Simon gives a laugh and raises his voice. “Can you just imagine my surprise when that girl in the photo was none other than our Michaela. The girl who wouldn’t give it up to me, but takes it any which way she can from a group disgusting older men.” The look he gives me now is one of disdain; everyone’s looking at me with disdain. Just like I knew they would.
Simon finalizes everything with his next words.
“You’re a whore, Michaela. Nothing but a fucking whore.”
And with those words, I find that I can move. I spin around and push through the crowd, heading for outside. I make it through the doors and take a deep breath of the air as I find I can finally breathe again.
“Michaela, wait!” Liam yells after me. He jogs to catch up. We’re far enough from other people now that no one can hear us. I stop and wait for him.
“That’s bullshit, right?” His eyes search me, looking for the truth, looking for denial. But I know that he sees the truth in my eyes.
My silence alarms him.
“What? Is that true? What he said?”
“It wasn’t like that—” I begin desperately.
Shock registers in his eyes. “But it is true though?” He looks away, runs his hand through his hair and then flicks his gaze back to me.
“God, that explains a lot. Why you’re so good in bed when I’ve never seen you with another guy. I mean, I really expected you to be a virgin.” It’s like he’s talking more to himself than to me. “I mean that fact that you said yes at all to my creepy proposal should have told me that. A normal girl never would have done that.” And I see it in his eyes too now.
The disdain.
The disgust.
He’s turned against me. My heart breaks and I feel like I can physically feel the pain.
“Stay the fuck away from me,” I say in a harsh voice. “He was right. I was just using you, you fucking loser.” I turn away and head to my car. He doesn’t come after me.
I turn off my phone in the car. It’s going nuts with calls and texts from my friends, or should I say former friends now.
My mother is standing outside the house, looking absolutely perfect on the outside as usual. She’s putting her matching cases in her car. Another weekend away at the spa, or resort, or whatever she really does.
She gives me a quick look as I pull my car in beside hers. Her sunglasses hide her reaction. I get out of the car and run to her before she can get into hers.
“Don’t go,” I beg. She stops, her hand on the car door, and swivels her head to look at me. “Please don’t go, stay home with me.
“You’re being ridiculous.” She opens the car door.
“No I’m not, please Mom. Stay, just stay. Please.” My words run together and I’m breathless.
“My life can’t revolve around you. I’m allowed to have fun too,
you know. Do you know how hard it is raising a daughter like you? You stress me out.” She gets in her seat, keys ready, but before she can pull the door shut I speak.
“Do you know what he does to me? You do, I know you do. Please Mom, let’s leave, let’s just go—” But I’m interrupted as she slams her door shut with force and her engine roars to life. She reverses out like her life depends on it. I’m left standing there, staring at the spot she had been standing in as if her ghost were still there. Designer car, designer clothes, hands dripping with diamonds, hair expertly styled…
I’ve been so fucking stupid.
She would never leave him. He’s her ticket to the life she loves. She sold me to him…
I sit down on the steps for a long while, hugging my knees to my chest. It starts to get cold so I move inside. I head to my room to grab my diary, but it’s not there. It’s sitting in the bag that I left at Liam’s house.
“Shit,” I say to the empty room. I need to write it down in the diary so that I can deal with it. Otherwise, everything spins around in my head. I grab a piece of loose paper and start to write. But it doesn’t work. All the memories spin around in my head like a whirlpool and my crying starts and doesn’t stop. I’m still crying when I hear the footsteps outside my room. Stefan swings the door open.
“What the hell’s wrong with you? You look like shit. Fix yourself up. I’ve got some friends who want to meet you. They’re waiting downstairs.” I know he’s on something. I can see it in his eyes.
I shake my head. “No.”
His eyes bulge in his head. “What the fuck did you say to me? I should put you and your junkie mother out on the street. I’ve done everything for you.”
“No,” I repeat. “I’m not doing that anymore.” He moves across in one swift motion and back hands me across the face. I was expecting it though, so I kind of rolled with it. However, I’m not expecting the second or the third. I’m not expecting him to grab me by the back of the head and smash my face into the doorframe. Then again and again. Everything goes black for a minute, but I wake up on the floor and he’s still there.