Antagonize Me

by T. L Smith

  “CJ, you have visitors,” Tanner calls while softly knocking on the bathroom door. I look in the mirror and hate my appearance. It’s that of a broken girl. I look away and decide that it’s not my concern at the moment. My only concern is getting through this week, however hard that may be.

  I walk back into my bedroom and see Tanner sitting on my bed, dressed and looking at his hands.

  “Why did you come?” I ask while looking at him. No emotion is showing on his face.

  “You needed me and I needed to be here with you. We’re friends, CJ. Time doesn’t change that.” He stands and walks to me then wraps me in his arms and although I lean in, I don’t cuddle him back. His arms feel nice, comforting even.

  “I can tell them to go if you’d like,” he whispers into my hair. I nod my head. He releases me and I move back to the bed. He closes the door with a click on his way out. I hear muffled voices and I know it’s Hillary, she sounds angry because she’s being told to leave. I don’t like her being upset, but right now I don’t care. She needs to realize that I need space and time. Time to heal myself and time to get my head around everything that has happened.

  “Don’t go in there. Just leave her be,” Tanner’s voice booms through the walls. I hear my bedroom door open, but I don’t look up to see who it is. My eyes are glued to the window, watching as the rain assaults it. My bed squeaks as someone sits down next to me, their hand starts rubbing my back. Then there’s that voice.

  “Christina.” I shudder. I know that voice because that voice haunts me. I don’t turn as he stands up from the bed, blocking my view by standing directly in front of me. I look up at him and want to cringe. He’s even better looking than the last time I saw him. Time only does him well.

  “I want to stay, Christina. Will you let me stay with you?” he asks, bending down so he’s directly in line with my face. I look into his eyes, his beautiful green eyes and immediately the image of his girlfriend is there. I realize that when we stay together, things tend to happen… things like sex. He’s in a relationship now, so he can’t stay. I don’t need him here.

  “Go back to Natalia, Kyrone,” I say and look behind him at the rain running down the window in long dancing streaks. I don’t miss his facial expression when I say her name. He’s probably wondering how I know, though that’s stupid when they’re in gossip magazines almost on a weekly basis.

  “I’m going to stay in the living room. I’ll be here for you,” he says. He moves toward the door, but my voice stops him.

  “Tell Tanner to come back in, please,” I say quietly. He slams the door shut and I hear yelling. I block out the loud voices and try to drift off, but I can’t. My thoughts won’t let me.

  “I have to get an outfit,” I blurt out when my door is opened. I sit up on the bed and watch as Tanner stands in the doorway.

  “Um, okay. Do you have one here?” he asks, scratching his chin.

  “Can you take me to the mall?” I remove my nightie over my head and his eyes roam my body. As I look up at his face, Kyrone is there, standing behind Tanner and looking very angry. Tanner turns to see what I’m looking at and slams the door shut.

  “Yes,” he replies when his eyes lock back onto mine answering my earlier question. I throw on the closest pair of jeans and shirt and leave my hair as it is. When we walk out of the room, I notice Hillary, Katrina, and Kyrone sitting in the kitchen. Hillary is cleaning and Katrina is talking to her. Kyrone is watching us, but not moving.

  “CJ,” Hillary says looking at me with my bag in my hands. “Where are you going?” she asks, looking at Tanner.

  “CJ needs something to wear tomorrow and I’m taking her,” he says and guides me out the door. I follow and when we reach his car, I’m surprised. Usually, I’d beg to drive in such a beautiful thing, but right now I couldn’t care less as I climb in the passenger seat.

  Shopping is quick. When we reach the mall, I go into the first store and purchase the first black thing I see. I’m never going to wear it again, so it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t fit properly. I only need it for this one day, then I’ll burn it.

  When we return the house, it’s cleaner than I’ve ever seen it. Hillary has set the table for dinner and I realize again that I haven’t eaten all day. She tells everyone to sit and we all do. No one speaks at first while they plate up their meals. I sit there and stare and then grab for a bread roll.

  “How’s married life?” I turn to ask Katrina. This table is so quiet it’s scary. All eyes turn to me, but I stay looking at Katrina. She smiles softly.

  “It’s good, we actually have a surprise,” she says brightly and I force a smile to encourage her. “We’re pregnant!” she announces and I do smile because that’s great news and I know she’ll make a fantastic mother.

  “Congratulations!” I say, leaning over and kissing her cheek. Hillary starts asking one hundred and one questions and my eyes turn to Kyrone, who’s watching me. He stands and walks over to me, offering me his hand. Tanner goes to speak when Hillary hushes him. I give him my hand and let him pull me up, then follow him outside. He stops when he gets to the pool chairs and sits down, pulling me with him. I lay my head back and listen to his heartbeat. His arms close around me and I start to cry, really cry for the first time. He squeezes me tighter and eventually I cry myself to sleep.

  I wake sometime later to voices. I don’t open my eyes as I listen. I’m still wrapped in Kyrone’s strong arms probably looking like a child next to this massive football player.

  “You can’t come back and mess things up for her. You have a girlfriend, Kyrone. Where is Natalia now? Does she even know who you’re with?” Tanner asks. I don’t move, pretending I’m asleep while trying to keep my breathing even as I listen into their conversation.

  “Yes! She knows who I’m with,” he replies quietly.

  “And I bet you she’s not happy.” He laughs dryly. I have no idea what they’re talking about. Why would she be mad, after all, I’m just a friend?

  “She’s pissed to say the least, but I don’t give a shit. She can leave me if she wants, Christina needs me now,” he says, his voice becoming stronger and louder.

  “She won’t want you, man, you know that. She doesn’t want anyone,” Tanner says quietly. Are they talking about me now? They’re so wrong! I do want that. I want that kind of love.

  “I think you’re wrong, I think time will be good. She will come around.” I move a little and they stop talking. I open my eyes and see Tanner looking at me lying in Kyrone’s arms. What is it with these two that they’re always here? Even time doesn’t seem to change that fact.

  “The girls have gone to the hotel for the night. I was going to stay here again,” Tanner says.

  “Can I ask that you both leave? I just need to be alone,” I say, pulling myself away from Kyrone, standing and walking to my bedroom. I hear the front door shut and I climb into the shower. I actually take the time to shave my body and wash my hair. Once I’m done, I dress in a clean pair of pajamas and climb into bed. The silence is good, it doesn’t carry any demons tonight. Tonight I go to sleep and I’ll have no nightmares. Tonight, I dream of a boy with annoying ways and gorgeous green eyes.

  Today is hard, so hard that it’s becoming impossible to keep myself together. I know I have to, Granddad wouldn’t want me crying. He would want me living my life, “taking it by the balls” as he would so eloquently say. So many people turn up to the funeral, that once the twentieth-something person gives me their apology, I’m on autopilot. I thank them all and nod when it’s acceptable. Time goes fast. I asked for a quick service at his funeral, he didn’t want anything fancy. By the time we arrive back at the house, it’s packed full of people. Everyone eating and drinking, some smiling and laughing while reminiscing about Granddad. I stay in my room and lock my door for most of it. No one disturbs me and it gives me time to plan what I want to do, where I want to go.

  The next few days are tiring, having to put on a semi-happy face for everyone is drai
ning. They all leave today to go back to their normal lives and partners.

  I’ve heard Kyrone on the phone a few times to his girlfriend. I try not to listen, but when he talks sweetly to her it breaks my heart just that little bit more. I walk out of the bathroom to go to the living room where they’re all are packed and ready to go. When I enter, they all watch me closely. I walk around to each and give them a cuddle.

  Hillary first. “Thanks for coming,” I say to her followed by a hug. She squeezes me tight. “Come back to me soon, okay?” She nods and I know she’s trying to hold back the tears.

  I let her go and walk across to Katrina. “I’m so happy for you,” I say, and I mean it. She’s gotten everything she’s ever wanted and I couldn’t be happier for her. She kisses my cheek and steps aside.

  Tanner is next. I stop in front of him and reach up to kiss his cheek. “You’re one of my best friends, Tanner. Thank you for everything,” I say and he kisses my cheek and cuddles me back.

  “Call me anytime, day or night. I’m always here for you, CJ.”

  He steps back and I look toward Kyrone. He doesn’t move a muscle as I stand in front of him. I, however, am fidgeting and biting my nails. He reaches for me and picks me up, then squeezes. “Don’t you call that jackass, Tempt, you call me,” he says into my ear and squeezes me tightly like he’s afraid I will bolt the minute he lets me go. My feet are off the floor and I’m hanging on with my hands around his neck. He lets me go and I pull him down so I can kiss his cheek. He smiles.

  I move to the front door and open it. One by one, I watch as they leave.

  In some ways, I’m excited for what’s to come. You see, my grandfather left me everything, and I do mean everything. He worked right up to the day I came back home. He had insurances for everything imaginable and all of it was left to me.

  So what am I going to do? Well, I booked a flight to Australia and I leave tonight. Tonight I will start a new adventure and hopefully something will help me with the hand I have been dealt. Show me what I want and help me to explore this new life. Tonight, I take a chance on life.

  ***

  Australia is beautiful and the people are warm and friendly. I’m currently in Darwin, backpacking my way around. I flew to Brisbane and stayed for two nights before I left for Townsville. Both are extraordinary places. Brisbane is like a mini Las Vegas and everyone referred to it as ‘Brisvegas.’ The nightlife was absolutely crazy and bustling with people. Then I traveled to Townsville and stayed near the beach to unwind for a few crazy days. Once I saw as much as I could, I flew to Darwin, where I’ve been now for two weeks. Work is easier to find here, they always seem to be looking for bartenders. Who knew anyone could pull a beer if taught correctly?

  I’m off to Bali tonight to see the craziness that’s there. So many people have raved about the crazy drivers and the shopping that can be done if you know how to strike a bargain correctly. So that’s where I’m heading to, to see the world as much as possible. After that, I’m going to Thailand, somewhere that’s exotic and has always interested me.

  The flight from Darwin to Bali was short and the heat hits me as soon as I step off the plane. I’ve been grieving a lot of the trip though now I’ve come to accept it all. I feel Granddad with me like he isn’t too far away and he’s encouraging me as he’s always done.

  People welcome me as soon as I step out to find a cab, offering me rides everywhere. I go via a normal cab and he takes me to Kuta, the main hustle and bustle city of Bali. The people are friendly and lovely at the hotel I stay at, very welcoming, though when night time hits, I step out onto the streets. I’m offered so much Viagra, I think my head might explode. I feel like there’s only so many times you can say no before you want to scream. Drugs are offered by everyone, people wanting you to buy their goods and to come back and look in their shops. I do, and then I find it hard to leave empty handed. It’s their livelihood and some are good at guilt trips, but there’s also a beautiful side of the people and that is their kindness. They do a lot for nothing to provide for the ones they love, always smiling and thanking you profusely when you give them a little extra than what you agreed to pay. It’s been a lesson for sure.

  ***

  Thailand is magical and the streets are shut down at night so partygoers can dance the night away. People walk around with animals on their arms, offering photographs. I had a photograph taken with a gorgeous monkey that was dressed in human clothes, which I couldn’t walk past without wanting to touch him.

  I stayed in Bali for two weeks and have been in Thailand for about the same time. They both have their own uniqueness, each as special as the other. I’ve made some friends in Thailand, Phuket, and tonight they’ve asked me to go to the beach with them. It’s their last night here before they head back to Sydney, Australia which is their home. They’re a young couple exploring the world and this was their last stop before heading home.

  We reach the beach and Rebecca and I exchange smiles. The sky is filled with Chinese lanterns. “They have different meanings for different people. Some do it for luck, some do it for loved ones, and some believe it will take their worries and problems away.” She walks across and buys two lanterns, then she hands me one, closes her eyes and lets hers fly. I watch as it fills the night sky and joins with hundreds of others up there. I wonder what I should do? I think of my grandfather and let the lantern go with my eyes closed. When I open my eyes again, the night sky is filled with beautiful colorful lanterns. I walk back to my hotel and sleep peacefully.

  Today is the day I’m going to go home. I’ve been away for six weeks now and the time has helped me heal. I have had nothing but me time. Time to see who and what I wanted. I still don’t have all the answers, but some are clearer and I know within my heart who I want to be with. I want Kyrone. I want the man that annoys me, the man that can make me smile, and I want him for him. I won’t mess anything up if he’s happy in his relationship with Natalia. I want him to be happy. He is a good man and he deserves his happiness.

  I check my Facebook account for the first time since I left. I’ve avoided all social networking. I don’t want or need the drama of being connected to the phone and seeing what everyone’s doing. I don’t want to know if they’re sad today because they hurt their toe or whatever. Really? Who posts that shit anyway?

  I have four unread messages from Tanner, Katrina, Hillary, and last one is from Kyrone. Hillary has attacked my message bank and it’s full of questions. Tanner asks how I am and has politely asked me to reply. Katrina sent me a photograph of her growing belly and there’s a single message from Kyrone. Only one. “I miss you,” is all it says, but it holds so much hope for me. So much left unsaid and so much more to say. There’s so much more to do and to explore between us.

  I fly straight to Los Angeles. It’s early morning when I arrive and I don’t know where to go first. I search for Kyrone’s address and decide I want to see him. I think I need to see him. It’s an easy find because Hillary has it and is more than happy to hand it over to me. Then she starts with the one hundred questions, so I cut her off and tell her I’ll see her soon. She’s excited and I hang up in her ear when she starts rambling.

  Kyrone’s house is a mansion and I’m a bundle of nerves when we drive up his driveway. I feel the need come over me to be sick. The cab driver drops me off and waits for me because I don’t even know if Kyrone is home. I’m just taking a wild guess and hoping for the best. The last thing I want is to be stranded in a posh neighborhood having nowhere to go with all my bags. I knock and wait. I hear the door handle turn and look at it with excitement. When I see who’s on the other side of the door, I freeze. I didn’t think she’d be here. I didn’t think they’d be living together. She looks me up and down and scrutinizes me with her gaze. I want to turn and walk away, but also don’t want to give her that satisfaction. I don’t want her to think she’s higher than me or even better than me. It’s just not true.

  “Who are you?” she asks, looking at my face
with hatred in her eyes. I go to chew my nails and then stop myself. I stand tall when I look at her perfect clothes with not one wrinkle in them. Me, I’m standing here in wrinkled jeans and probably a wrinkled top as I haven’t changed from my flight.

  “CJ. Is Kyrone here?” I ask, looking behind her, but she blocks my path so I can’t see.

  “He doesn’t know a CJ,” she spits. “Leave, the same way you came in,” she says as she shuts the door in my face. I turn and walk back to the cab. I don’t need this. The driver smiles as I open the door and I smile back. Just as I go to get in, I hear my name being called. I turn to see Kyrone running down the driveway without the She-Devil behind him. He stops when he gets to me and looks me up and down. My hair is pink again like it used be when we first started seeing each other.

  “Hey, Pink Bits,” he says, cocking a nervous smile. I smile back and stay standing at the door of the cab.

  “Hey,” I say back.

  “You’re home finally? And you came to see me?” he asks, sounding unsure.

  “I just flew in, haven’t even been home yet. Just wanted to see how you were,” I lie. He catches my lie and his smile drops.

  “I met Natalia. She’s a ball of fun,” I say dryly. He laughs and nods his head.

  “You could say that though some say worse.”

  “Well, I just came to say hi, so I’ll leave you alone now.” I move to take a seat in the car, but he stops me from closing the door. I look up at him, wanting to know an answer to the unasked question that’s lingering in the air. “Are you happy?” I ask. He looks shocked at first and doesn’t reply, then smiles and nods his head. I lean up and kiss his cheek before I tell the driver to go.

  I watch as the driver slowly pulls out of his driveway. Is this it? Ky has his hands in his pockets and is a little slouched standing there in all his rugged manly beauty. I see the conflicted look on his face and his eyebrows are drawn closely together. He raises his other hand to give me a half-hearted farewell. I feel the lump in my throat as my eyes start to blur. I swallow hard, blinking unshed tears away to give him a smile that is betraying my heart right now before putting my head down staring at my knotted hands in my lap.