Fixing Tanner (Second Chances Book 3)

by Rachel Del

  Tanner paused. “I was holding his hands across the canoe and I told him I wouldn’t let him go. No matter what I wouldn’t let him go. But it was hours... I mean hours and hours that we were floating out there. We kicked our feet and we yelled for help, but the water was freezing. I tried to keep calm but it wasn’t long before I realized that I was going to die – that we were going to die. I’d long since lost feeling in my hands but I knew… I could feel him slipping.”

  Tanner shifted in his seat, lobbying for time. “He looked at me then and all I could see was the sadness in his eyes… the regret… the resignation. I told him not to panic, to reach for me again, but when he did, the other hand let go.”

  Tanner looked down at his shirt, speckled with tears. He didn’t even know he had started crying.

  “I tried. Fuck I tried! I left the canoe and swam to him but he panicked. I tried to get my arms around him but he kept pulling me down with him. So I did the only thing I knew to do: I let him go. I chose me over him.”

  He had screamed for help, but it was useless. There was no one there to help them.

  “They found his body the next day.”

  “I truly can’t imagine how that must have felt,” Dr. Schultz said after a few moments. She didn’t pass him the box of Kleenex next to her. “Losing someone close to you is always tremendously difficult. But to lose a close friend at such a young age and in such a way… well, that’s the kind of thing that turns a persons’ world upside down in an instant.”

  “I never attended the funeral; I just couldn’t bring myself to look in his parents’ eyes knowing what I had done.”

  Until this day Tanner had refused to reflect on those days. He knew that if he did, the demons from his past would surely engulf him in flames.

  Chapter 11

  Leah had been raised well. She knew that family would always be there for you no matter what you did. She respected her elders, held open doors for strangers, managed her money well and always remembered birthdays. She was open and honest almost to a fault and knew firsthand that life didn’t always grant second chances.

  So when the man she loved for four years back in College and an unspecified amount of time thereafter told her that he wanted to be with her, she knew she’d better jump at the opportunity before it passed her by.

  “I… don’t know what to say.”

  Sam smiled, his eyes squinting the way they always had. “I just want you to think about it. We’ve never been single at the same time. I –” he caught himself before continuing. “You are single, right?”

  Leah was inclined to feel defensive over his assumption until she realized that she couldn’t possibly be. She had chosen to stay untethered.

  “I am,” she said, though the words tasted bitter in her mouth. She allowed herself to briefly wonder what Tanner was doing back in Las Vegas before shaking the thought from her head.

  “Just think about it, okay?” He reached across the table and placed his large hand over top of hers, squeezing it gently. “It’s really good to see you.”

  The humid afternoon heat had begun to get to Leah and she considered saying something to Sam about leaving. But as the words formed in her mouth, he pushed his chair back and rose to his feet.

  “Can I walk you back to your hotel?”

  “I’m staying in Queens,” she said, raising her right eyebrow.

  “Why the hell are you staying out there?”

  “I like taking the subway. You know me; I get my best writing done when I’m surrounded by people and noise.”

  He pulled his hand out of his pocket and after looking at it for a moment reached over and took hold of hers. Leah continued to stare straight ahead at the busy sidewalk in front of them.

  “I’ll walk you to the subway then,” he said. “What are you writing about anyways?”

  Leah could barely form the words, so focused was she on the way her hand fit so perfectly into his.

  “I, uh… Manhattan.”

  Sam chuckled. “Care to be a little more specific than that?”

  “Sorry,” she said, and he gave her hand a little squeeze. “I read something once, about Manhattan. The author said ‘when you take away the nail salons, office buildings, and Central Park, the island really isn’t all that big. Living here is like unrolling your sleeping bag in the world’s largest commune, a year-round camp for similarly neurotic, vain, lonely, ambitious grown-ups.’ I love Manhattan, and I thought that was such an accurate depiction that I wanted to write about it. So I pitched the idea to Condé Nast and they loved it.”

  “I always knew you’d do something with your writing,” Sam said almost wistfully, as though he was recalling their evenings spent in his dorm room reading F. Scott Fitzgerald and Emily Dickinson.

  Leah stopped walking, catching Sam off guard.

  “Well, this is me,” she said, gesturing down the steps to the subway station. “Sam—”

  His lips were suddenly on hers; soft, sweet, romantic, and her breath caught in her throat. When their mouths parted his blue eyes bore into her.

  “It’s our time, Leah. This is our big chance.”

  Leah slept badly that night, her head a clouded mess. As soon as the clock hit an acceptable hour she had climbed from bed, dressed and headed down the street in search of a decent cup of coffee. Once safely in line at Starbucks she picked up her phone and dialed Lily’s number.

  “I’m sorry, it’s a little early,” she said after her sister managed a hello.

  “It’s fine. You forget that I have a built in alarm clock. Ben had me up at six again this morning. I’m already on my second cup of coffee.” And then as an afterthought: “How’s New York?”

  “It’s good,” she said, her words coming out sounding more like a question.

  “What’s going on with you? You sound strange.”

  “I feel strange. This whole trip has just felt different, you know?”

  Leah was used to the time away from home and always thrived on the excitement of new places and new people. The feeling of walking into a room of strangers that would by the end of the night be friends simply couldn’t be matched. This time though, she felt an unfamiliar tug, like an impatient toddler pulling at his mothers’ shirttail.

  “Maybe you’re tiring of all the travel?” Lily offered.

  “No. Never. I can’t imagine it ever not being like this. Being home is so boring. Vegas is so boring.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “I don’t mean it like that,” she began. “Actually, I do. No offence, Lily, but I don’t want your life.”

  “That’s good, because it’s already called for.”

  “You know what I mean: marriage, kids, the whole domestic thing. It’s just not for me.”

  “We’ve all known that for a long time,” Lily responded. “But it seems as though lately you’re pushing back a lot more. Almost like you’re working hard to convince yourself that that’s the truth.”

  “Well I don’t think there’s any avoiding it now.”

  “Then what feels so different this time?”

  She wanted to tell her about Sam, but couldn’t manage to get the words out.

  “I think I miss Tanner. I mean, how sick is that?”

  Lily couldn’t help but be surprised that she was talking to her about him. After the way she’d reacted when she discovered that Leah and Tanner were involved, Lily was certain that Leah would be keeping silent about their relationship. Or whatever it was.

  “Tanner? I would hardly call it sick. I think it’s sweet.”

  “Of course you do. You’ve always been a bit of a sap. But this,” she said, “this is new territory for me.”

  “You like him.”

  Leah scrunched up her nose. “That sounds so childish. A large, black coffee please.” That last bit was directed towards the barista. Coffee would help shake the cloudiness from her head.

  “How much longer until you get back home?” Lily asked.

  “A few more days. W
hy, do you miss me?”

  Lily debated as to which direction to take her answer. “Tanner hasn’t been writing… well, anything. I have this theory that his writing is tied to you.”

  Leah wasn’t surprised. Not really. For someone who made his money writing he seemed to do very little of it. “You’ve got to be kidding me. This guy is really starting to get under my skin.”

  She thought briefly of the kiss she had shared with Sam but pushed the image from her mind.

  “Maybe that’s exactly what you need.”

  Leah didn’t want to tell her that she was probably right.

  “Relationships are too messy. You can say that’s not always the case, but it is.”

  “When on earth did you become so jaded?”

  “Probably around the time that you told me Thomas was cheating on you.”

  “Jesus, Lil, I thought we were doing better? I thought we were past all the jealousy.”

  “That’s when I thought it wasn’t justified! Remember how I thought it was all in my head? Oh that’s right, because you assured me that it was! And silly me, I believed you.” Lily stormed around the bedroom, absentmindedly filling an overnight bag with his belongings.

  “We’ll go back to therapy, we’ll work this out. We’ve come so far already, we can get past this too.”

  “No… that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t spend the last ten months ignoring me, treating me like I don’t exist, not even looking at me or touching me, and then go off and fuck someone else and think that’s okay.”

  “It meant nothing, it was a mistake.”

  “That’s what everyone says, Thomas. At least come up with something original!”

  “Well it’s the truth.”

  “Well I’m glad to see that you know what that is. But here’s the thing: it means something to me… you sleeping with another woman means something to me. It means something to this family. It means that I can’t look at you anymore. It means that I can’t keep torturing myself like this to try and hold this marriage together.” She tossed the bag onto the bed between them. “It means that it’s over.”

  Lily had told him to get out and when he refused, she got up and left herself, driving directly to Leah’s place where she broke down in her sister’s open arms.

  “I had to help you pick up the pieces that he broke, Lily. I don’t ever want to put myself in that position.”

  Chapter 12

  Tanner opened his eyes and waited for them to adjust to the light streaming through the uncovered windows. Though he couldn’t remember the details of the previous night, the terrible pounding in his head told a story of its own. He glanced down at the watch on his left hand, cringing at the time, and then once more as his eyes adjusted and the naked woman lying next to him came into focus. He tried to recall how he had gotten into this situation, especially since spending the night was definitely against his rules.

  He looked over at the women next to him, his eyes skimming over her large, perky breasts peeking out from the covers. One of her legs was outside of the blankets, her toes curled around the comforter. Whoever she was, and wherever he had met her, he knew one thing: she had been the perfect distraction. One he had desperately needed.

  Opening up to Dr. Schultz the afternoon before had seemingly opened the floodgates. Now that he had told someone, someone in his present, he felt he could no longer hide behind the secret. It meant, ultimately, that he had been forced, after nearly ten years, to drop the mask for good.

  But what did that even look like? Before he could give it much thought, he was interrupted by the shrill ringing of his phone deep in his pocket.

  “Tanner.”

  “Hey! I’m glad I caught you.” It was Lily, and she sounded exasperated.

  “What can I do for you?”

  “Please tell me that you’re free tomorrow night?”

  With Leah still in New York and his writing still not going well he had all the time in the world. “I am. What’s up?”

  “Regan & Wiley is putting on Shay Williams’ book release party tonight and I was hoping you’d come with Nate and me. We’d love to introduce you to some people.”

  “Why not.” Any distraction was good, right?

  “Great! I’ll see you at Jet nightclub at eight.”

  Tanner stared at the phone long after the conversation was over, his heart pounding in his chest.

  This was his chance to show people the real Tanner Young.

  After years of practice faking smiles and inauthentic conversations, Tanner was genuinely pleased to see that he hadn’t forgotten how to be human. He shook hands and said no to the glasses of champagne being offered to him at every turn. He smiled for photos and listened to aspiring writers rattle of their ideas for the next Great American Novel. He surprised himself by telling a few of them to email him once they had completed their works. He could tell by the looks on their faces that the feeling was mutual.

  As promised, Nate and Lily introduced him to numerous people whose names he promptly forgot, save for one man.

  Nathan patted him on the shoulder, bringing his attention to the tall man standing beside him.

  “Tanner Young, this is – ”

  “Michael Sharp,” he interjected. “Holy fuck, it’s nice to meet you.”

  Michael howled with laughter. “I’d heard you had a bit of a mouth on you,” he said.

  “I’m sorry, I’m just… it’s an honor to meet you.”

  “The honor is all mine. Listen Tanner, I’d love to set up a time to sit down with you. I have something I’d love to run by you.”

  “Whatever it is, I’m in.”

  Michael laughed again. “I’m just an agent, Tanner. I’m not Batman.”

  “You might as well be. You’re the Batman of the literary world, anyways. So like I said: whatever it is, I’m in.”

  “Let’s set up a meeting though, yes?”

  Lily, who had been eavesdropping nearby stepped towards the three men and looked up at Tanner, her eyes pleading for an introduction.”

  “Mr. Sharp, this is my editor, Lily Gardner.”

  Lily held out her hand. “Actually, it’s Lily Foster.”

  Tanner felt as though the air had been pushed from his lungs. What had she just said?

  He waited until the conversation between the three of them was over and then pulled Lily aside. “Foster?”

  Lily sighed quietly and she held up her ring-less left hand. “My divorce was finalized last week.”

  “And Foster is your maiden name.” It was more a statement than anything else.

  “Yeah…” she replied, her forehead creasing with concern. “Is something wrong?”

  “No,” Tanner said, not at all convincingly. “Nothing at all.”

  He watched Lily stride off and disappear into the crowd, worst-case scenarios running through his over-active mind. He grasped Nathan’s elbow and pulled him closer.

  “Nate.” It came out louder than he had meant it to and numerous people around them turned to look at him in alarm. “Sorry,” he said, waving them off. “Nate.”

  “What’s up?” Nathan glanced briefly around the room before settling his gaze on Tanner, who was for some reason or another looking awfully pale.

  “Does Lily have a sister named Leah?”

  Nathan frowned, surprised by the question. “Uh, yeah. You’ve been seeing her, haven’t you? How did you not know they were twins?”

  Tanner felt the room begin to spin beneath his feet and felt for a moment that he was going to be sick.

  It all made sense: Leah’s reluctance to commit; her insistence that they keep their lives separate from each other as much as possible; the way she rarely asked about his work. Leah had been hiding the fact that Lily was her sister.

  Tanner helped himself to a glass of champagne from the tray of a waiter passing by, downing it in three quick gulps. His life as he knew it had just gotten infinitely more difficult.

  And then, when he thought things couldn�
�t get any worse, a realization dawned on him. Only weeks before he had sat down with Lily and Nathan and told them about his novel.

  About his research.

  The research that involved sleeping with other women.

  Tanner pinched the bridge of his nose, an instant headache spreading through his head like wildfire.

  Any chance he had of making things work with Leah seemed instantly abolished now that he knew she and Lily were sisters. There was no way that Lily was going to stand by and watch her own sister be with a guy who had openly admitted to being with women just to test out their theories on sex and relationships.

  He stopped another waiter and procured another glass of champagne, bringing the cool glass to his lips. That was it. Game over. He had lost, there was no doubt in his mind.

  Chapter 13

  August 10, 2015: 7:14am

  I knew a guy once who never thought much of the future. He simply couldn’t concern himself with it. Why would he, when everything important, everything fantastic, was happening in the present? In the now. He wasn’t stupid; he saved money, had a life insurance policy and contributed to a 401k – but he wasn’t afraid to live. He wasn’t afraid to spend. He wasn’t afraid to leap first and think later.

  And for a while that worked for him. For a long while.

  Until one day he woke up and realized that in never thinking about the future he had missed the warning signs. And he drove himself right off a cliff. A proverbial cliff that is, but a cliff none the less.

  What happened then, you ask?

  Well I’ll let you know once I figure out what the hell I’m going to do now.

  - TY

  __

  Tanner pushed through the front doors of Regan & Wiley trying and failing to assure himself that Nathan had a reason for calling him in that morning that didn’t have to do with his relationship with Lily’s sister. He had hoped that it had something to do with the agent he spoke to at Shay William’s book release party the night before.