Dreaming of Antigone

by Robin Bridges

Wait, did I really just think that?

  “Since when?” Trista murmurs. “I thought she was dating that boy from Athens Prep.”

  Natalie shrugs. “I think her dad has a law office close to the Indigo Dragon.”

  That does not mean they have enough in common to start dating.

  Ugh. I cannot look like this is upsetting to me.

  “And I thought he wasn’t over Iris,” Natalie says sadly.

  Right. Iris is the reason he shouldn’t be dating Erin Young. Not me. He should still be getting over Iris. I slip into ice-queen mode and shrug. “It’s not like he and Iris were that serious. They only dated for what, three or four months? It’s been longer than that since she died. That’s hardly a love to end all loves.”

  Natalie and Trista look at each other. Trista is frowning.

  “It wasn’t like a Princess Leia-Han Solo love,” I add, trying not to sound so ice queenish.

  They both laugh as the bell rings. “I guess you’re right,” Natalie says, and puts her arm around me. “Were you always such a coldhearted cynic?”

  I shrug and let them lead me into chemistry.

  Trista turns around as soon as she slides into her seat. “Hey, I’m calling the north corner tonight.”

  Natalie pouts. “You always get that corner. No fair.”

  The north corner of Rock ’n’ Roll Graveyard is the darkest side. There’s a bench hidden from the rest of the cemetery by a Spanish moss–covered camellia bush. The perfect spot for making out.

  I play with Natalie’s red curls that are lying on my desk. “And just who do you think you’d take into the corner with you, young lady?”

  She blushes, and her cheeks turn as red as her hair. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Thomas. He and Sara only went out on two or three dates and she dumped him for Max.”

  “Poor Thomas,” I say. “But what about Thing Two?”

  “Caleb?” She looks at me, surprised, but I’m not sure why. She went out with him last summer, and they are still friendly. I’ve seen her gaze at him longingly, wistfully even. “Andria, if you’re interested in him, you should go for it!”

  “Oh my God, no.”

  She tucks a curl behind her ear. “Seriously, he’s an octopus, but go. Have fun with him. Tris, you’ll have to give up the corner. We’re going to hook her up with Caleb.”

  “Please, no. Seriously. I thought you still had feelings for him. Besides, didn’t he get suspended for that fight yesterday? Did we ever find out what that was all about?”

  Tris leans around Natalie. “Hank said he had no idea.”

  Natalie takes a deep breath, about to say something more, but the teacher begins to call roll. All during class, Trista and Natalie keep looking at me and giggling. They are making Plans for Andria.

  Maybe I will get lucky and be hit by a car before fourth block.

  There is no poetry on my desk today in algebra. I’m not surprised, and I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be disappointed. What if he thought he was writing to Erin all this time? She probably has Mrs. Davis for geometry. He’s been writing to the wrong girl all along. Or maybe the wrong girl has been writing him back.

  I’m so depressed I eat all of my hummus at lunch. I go to the library before fourth block to tell Verla I can’t stay after school today since I have to ride home with Natalie’s mom.

  I really don’t want to see Alex anyway.

  Verla is happy to see me. “Thank goodness! I was going to send you a message next period to tell you I have to leave right after school. Can you tell Alex?”

  I shake my head. “I usually don’t see him until we come here. I have no idea what he has for fourth block.”

  “Oh well. I guess I’ll get the secretary to tell him. Have a good weekend,” she says.

  “You too.”

  I should not be depressed over having to miss my library work. That would just be lame. But I am. Even though I have something even more exciting tonight that I should be looking forward to.

  But I’m too worried about tonight to be excited. I’m scared I might have a seizure in front of everyone. I’m scared my dog will get lonely tonight without me. I’m scared one of my friends will party too hard and something bad will happen.

  I’m scared I’ll see Alex tonight and say something stupid.

  I’m scared I won’t see him.

  CHAPTER 14

  After school, Natalie’s mom picks up Natalie, Trista, and me in a gray Suburban that smells like vanilla cupcakes. She still thinks we are going to the coffeehouse on Broad Street to see our friends’ band play. Trista’s sister and her boyfriend are going to pick us up at eight.

  “I want you guys to be my guinea pigs tonight,” Mrs. Roman says. “I made Cherry Coke float cupcakes. I want to know what you think.”

  “What about real food?” Natalie asks. I can’t believe her. If my mom were a pastry chef, I’d eat cupcakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

  “Pizza from Tony’s.”

  Natalie grins. “Best mom ever.”

  The Romans live in one of the newer neighborhoods close to the river. Their two-story house makes me nervous, and my mother’s safety rules echo in my head. Always take the elevator—if you have a seizure you could fall down the stairs and break your neck. As if I couldn’t trip over my feet on the ground and break my neck just as easily. I have never been very graceful or athletic, thanks to Mom refusing to let me play sports or take ballet lessons.

  It’s really too bad the Romans don’t have an elevator.

  The garage door opens, and Mrs. Roman pulls in. Natalie hops out and helps me carry my stuff inside. My lunch cooler is already empty. Time for some real food.

  “Tris, I thought your goal last week against Academy was amazing,” Mrs. Roman is telling Trista as they follow us into the house.

  “Thanks. I wish my parents had been there to see it.” There’s bitterness in her voice, but it’s mild. Like she’s finally resigned herself to the fact that they don’t come to her soccer games.

  The kitchen smells heavenly. Like basil and oregano and tomato sauce. My stomach is growling. And I don’t care if anyone hears it.

  “The pizza is in the oven on warm,” Mrs. Roman says. “Go dump your things in Natalie’s room and it will be waiting for you when you’re ready.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” Natalie says, already halfway up the stairs.

  I follow her carefully, with Trista right behind me. I try to move to let her pass.

  “Are you afraid of heights?” she asks. The staircase is an open metal one, spiraling up the enormous foyer.

  “No, just afraid of falling.”

  She laughs and runs up ahead of me. Her laugh echoes across the huge cold space.

  I take a deep breath and hurry after her. I’ve been to Natalie’s house millions of times, and I’m fine once I’m inside her bedroom. But this staircase always freaks me out.

  One step at a time. Focus on the top, Andria. Breathe in, breathe out.

  Natalie’s head appears at the railing. “Yoooou can doooo eeet!” she says. “Or do you want me to come down and get your things?”

  “No, I’m almost there.”

  She waits patiently for me to reach the second floor, and takes my backpack. “What are you wearing tonight?”

  Trista is already stripped out of her school clothes and rummaging through Natalie’s closet. “Where is that green sleeveless thing, Nat? The one you wore to the movies?”

  “God, it’s too cold for that,” Natalie says. “I’m wearing stockings under my jeans.”

  “We’re supposed to be going to a concert where there will be dancing. You’ll look suspicious if you’re dressed for an outing in the snow.”

  “And you will get hypothermia if you wear that top.”

  Natalie pushes Trista out of the way playfully and disappears into her enormous closet.

  “Andria, this is what you should wear tonight. It would go great with your hair.”

  She comes out holding up a purple si
lk peasant blouse with smocked flowers. Iris loved this top and begged Natalie over and over to let her wear it.

  “I can’t,” I say, even though I want to. It’s a dark jewel-toned purple. Amethyst. And she’s right, it would be perfect with my black hair. But it’s not perfect for me. It would have been perfect for Iris. I turn to my bag and dig through it. “I have a top. It’s warm and cozy. . . .”

  “And black?” Trista says.

  “Of course.” I pull the long-sleeved shirt out and hold it up. It has tiny skull-shaped buttons up the front. Very feminine.

  Natalie busts out laughing. “Fine. But you’re going to wear some color at some point this year, if it kills me.”

  I turn around and freeze, but she’s already skipping down the stairs.

  Trista looks at me uncomfortably. I shake my head. I have to stop being so sensitive. People joke about death. Because people die every day. And I have to get used to that.

  I step into Natalie’s closet to change my shirt.

  “You know she didn’t mean anything by it, right?” Trista asks.

  “Yes. I’m okay. I promise.” Still, it surprises me she’s that concerned. I guess she really did feel bad after saying those things about Iris the other day. “I’ll be down in a second,” I tell her. “You don’t have to wait.”

  I poke my head out to see that she’s already gone. I have to laugh at myself for assuming she’d wait. It’s really not all about me. The world is going to go right on spinning, whether I want it to stop or not. Sisters die. Boys fall in love. Friends move on.

  I glance at myself in the mirror: a pale, black-haired girl with shadows under her eyes. Great, I really do look like I belong in a graveyard.

  I paw through Natalie’s makeup bag and find a dark red lipstick. There, now I have some color.

  Trista and Natalie both love it. I find them sitting at the bar in the Romans’ kitchen, eating pizza. “You look like a vampire!” Trista cackles.

  She still insists on wearing the sleeveless top tonight, even though Natalie and I both know she’s going to freeze.

  Natalie has changed into a pale pink sweater that goes great with her red curls. She has a purple striped scarf hanging around her neck. She slides a plate with a piece of pizza across the bar toward me. “There are drinks in the fridge. Help yourself.”

  Trista texts her sister, to remind her of Natalie’s address. “Her boyfriend doesn’t get off work until nine, so he’s going to meet us there.”

  “Is he bringing,” Natalie whispers as she looks around to make sure her mom is not close by, “the rum?”

  Trista nods.

  I roll my eyes.

  Natalie looks from me to Trista with the biggest smile and a tiny squee. “This is going to be so much fun!”

  Trista is looking at me as if she does not believe I will have any fun.

  Natalie looks at her phone, and her smile gets even bigger. “Tris, you may only have the dark corner for one hour. After ten, it’s mine.”

  I gesture at her phone with what’s left of my slice of pizza. “Thomas?”

  “Maybe.” Her cheeks match her sweater. She types something back and puts her phone away.

  Trista gets up and takes her empty plate to the sink. “Come on, girls. We need to finish getting ready. Selena will be here in less than an hour.”

  The knot of worry in my stomach has been there all day, but now it’s growing worse. I worry about my friends. They know not to pressure me to drink or take drugs. Not only because of Iris, but also because they know my seizure meds do not play well with alcohol or other drugs. Especially after the wine cooler incident. But I don’t think they know how nervous I get watching them drink. I’m so scared something bad will happen to one of them.

  CHAPTER 15

  This sucks. Selena has already left us, and while I worry about how we’ll get home, Natalie and Thomas are making out in the Dark Corner and Trista and Hank are making out Right in Front of Me. I have seen parts of Trista’s body I have no business seeing.

  And I am out of Diet Coke.

  I stare into the flames of the bonfire Thing One and Thing Two have lit. Caleb looked a little forlorn when he saw Natalie and Thomas disappear holding hands, but after a six-pack of beer, he tried pawing at me. I shoved him off, and he slunk over to the other side of the fire, where a few other girls from the soccer team were giggling and drinking. They seem more than happy to help comfort him.

  Another pair of headlights swings into the gravel drive that circles the fenced property. A large white truck. Oh God, no.

  Alex gets out of the truck and walks over to where I’m standing. He leans up against the fence with me, his hands in the pockets of his army-green jacket. What I wouldn’t give to have a jacket right now. Even standing this close to the bonfire, my backside is freezing.

  “Pluto!” Caleb shouts from across the flames. He raises his bottle in a salute, and the girls hanging on him giggle.

  I don’t look up at Alex, but I can tell he’s tense. What does he have to be uptight about? And why is he standing next to me? “Hank said you were bringing the good stuff. Fall off the wagon already?”

  Suddenly he is right in front of me, his tall frame shading me from the firelight. “What are you talking about?”

  I want to step back but there’s no room. I try not to look intimidated. Instead I glare at him. I don’t say anything.

  “And why the hell are you hanging out with such lowly company, Cupcake? Did you come to drink and smoke your cares away?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Don’t make assumptions about people you don’t understand.”

  “You still think I don’t understand you?”

  His blue eyes seem to glow when he smiles. But his smile isn’t friendly. It makes me wonder what a genuine smile would look like on his face. “No, you don’t.” He stalks off toward Caleb and the soccer girls. Erin is over there and smiles when Alex reaches them. But he doesn’t take the beer she offers him. Nor does he let her touch his hair, or stand too close to him. I watch as he dodges her touchy-feely hands but still laughs and cuts up with Caleb.

  Trista looks up at me from the ground, where she’s been rolling with Hank. “Honey, did you see Nathan over by the crypt? He was hoping you’d be here tonight.”

  Nathan wears head-to-toe black and has hair blacker than mine. He also wears eyeliner. I roll my eyes as Hank giggles and adds, “He said—”

  Trista slaps him and shrieks. “No! Don’t tell her what he said!”

  Hank is still laughing. “He said he’d be happy to stake you with his—”

  “You dumb-ass!” Trista says. “She won’t go near him now.” She is giggling too. Hilarious.

  Hank waves to Caleb. “Come on, I need another drink,” he says, tugging Trista along with him. She stumbles after him toward the other side of the bonfire.

  Someone taps me on the shoulder, and I whip around, expecting Nathan and his Jonathan Harker fetish. “Leave me alone!” I snap.

  A startled Alex is standing there, holding a can of Diet Coke in each hand. “Peace offering. I thought you looked thirsty.”

  Every time I think I have him figured out, Alex does something nice and tilts the universe a little bit.

  He gently clinks his can against the one I’m now holding in my hand. “Cheers.” He cracks open the can and takes a sip, making a face. “God, this stuff tastes better with Crown.”

  I roll my eyes at him, but I am grateful for the drink. I’m starting to worry about Nat. She and Thomas should have been back from the corner long ago. “If you don’t like it, then give it here.”

  He pulls his can back, just out of my reach. “Nope. Need the caffeine.”

  I look up at Alex. Really look at him. He’s watching his friends on the other side of the bonfire. “Are you really not drinking alcohol tonight?”

  His concerned gaze settles on me. “I can’t go back to that life anymore.” He frowns as he looks at the crowd gathered aro
und the fire. “But it’s so hard.”

  “I know.” But I don’t know. I’ve never struggled with addiction. Never known how it felt to crave something so violently that I thought I couldn’t live without it. Would lie, cheat, or steal to have it. Just how much of an addict was Alex? I only saw him high that one night.

  But then again, I’d never actually seen my sister high either. Hungover, yes. Tipsy after a date with Alex, yes. Coming down on Monday morning, God yes. But she never actually got high around me. Whatever her reasons for using drugs, she kept them hidden.

  I glance around the clearing, seeing only a lot of drunk, horny teenagers. No, two seniors whose names I don’t remember get out of a van they’ve been sitting in, their eyes red. It’s not long before we can all smell the pot.

  Police in Atlanta can probably smell it.

  Beside me, Alex tenses again.

  “Why are you here tonight?” he asks. “You don’t look like you’re having fun.”

  Neither does he, actually. I shrug. “I’m watching out for my friends. I want to make sure no one gets hurt.”

  “Andria.” Alex says my name so softly, so sadly, I’m forced to look up at him. “You can’t save everyone.” He moves away from the fence and holds out a hand. “Come on, we need to get out of here.”

  I’m not about to take his hand. He shrugs and puts his hands back in his pockets as I just glare at him. Natalie and Thomas have reappeared from their turn in the Dark Corner of the cemetery and are laughing with Nathan and his friends. Trista is leading Hank by his shirt collar back to the corner for their second turn. All friends present and accounted for.

  I follow Alex back across the clearing and through the open gate to where he is parked.

  He opens the door to his truck for me. “Come on. Neither one of us belongs here.”

  He’s right. But I don’t think I belong in his truck, alone with him, either. “Give me a ride home?” I ask.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be spending the night with Natalie?”

  He’s right. If I go home now, I could get Natalie into trouble for this. And Trista. I climb into the front seat, and he shuts the door.