The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan (Illustrated by Enrico Conti)

by Daisy Ashford

  Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thing and sometimes there is a little music.

  Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.

  Well not always said the Earl.

  I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am not so nimble as I was and my garters are a trifle tight.

  Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if Her Majesty is in that kind of a mood.

  Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena licked his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages full of costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards keeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobility clatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly words as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall life guards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the cabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to feel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a red tunick and a sort of black velvit tam a shanter stepped forward from the throng shouting what name please.

  The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gently nudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at the menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up their cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and another menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green velvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. They followed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to big folding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with his white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rarther hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.

  Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus by countless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of a noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc and with ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the dozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as nought as there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a very superier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through the crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on a golden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloak and a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with some of the crowd.

  Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena.

  Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand so glad you turned up—quite a squash eh.

  A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used to all this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with me so I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince.

  Not at all cried the genial prince looking rarther supprised. Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as the prince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. The Prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in a regal voice.

  Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly.

  Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and he waved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen is indisposed.

  Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of champaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend the Diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty.

  They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly two menials in red tunics appeared. Bring three glasses of champaigne commanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goods appeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case and passed it round.

  One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.

  Ah yes agreed the earl.

  It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want is peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to this life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfull drawbacks.

  True mused the Earl.

  Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say you were he asked in a puzzled tone.

  Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie.

  Well you are not a bit like the Lord Hyssops I know replied the Prince could you explain matters.

  Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and seemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered.

  He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called Miss Hyssops of the Glen.

  Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was your father eh.

  Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly tones he muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a very honest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena and my name is Alfred Salteena.

  The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteena for his truthful utterance—Oh I see he said well why did you palm off on my menials as Lord Hyssops eh

  Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but the earl came to the rescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringing him to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say he was of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity.

  Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I will ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.

  Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed be a treat.

  I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for my friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways and he fancies court life as a professhon.

  Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see.

  I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering after the royal barouche said the earl.

  So he might said the prince I will speak to the prime Minister about it and let you know.

  Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.

  Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the prince putting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess of Greenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back to the big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the more searious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low undertone.

  The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteena dare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair and quite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the prime minister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high life and return to Ethel Monticue.

  Chapter 07

  BERNARDS IDEAR

  Picture 7: Ethel and Clark

  After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would show Ethel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethel passed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she was most pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunch they sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad Mr Salteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinking he said passionately what about going up to London for a weeks Gaierty.

  Who inquired Ethel in a low tone.

  You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we could go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full. So we could what an idear cried Ethel.

  So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in packing there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall when the handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her blue velvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and looked quite a seemly counterpart for
Bernard who was arrayed in a white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tied on to him with a bit of black elastick.

  Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of your gout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back.

  Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return.

  Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps.

  Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely to Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness. The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jolly party and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going to London with Bernard.

  Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born and got in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel he cried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed.

  We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernard and he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married to Ethel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a side long glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one never knows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great events from trivil causes springs.

  Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound at the size of the big hall—Bernard poked his head into the window of the pay desk. Have you a coupple of bedrooms for self and young lady he enquired in a lordly way.

  A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a book and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floor number 9 and 10.

  Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection.

  None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view is quite pleasant.

  Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.

  Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile.

  They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with a large douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number 10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller.

  Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard.

  Oh well I would rarther you settled it said Ethel. I am willing to abide by your choice.

  The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly and pointing to the biggest room.

  Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that huge bed she added to hide her embarassment.

  Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little table d'ote followed by a theater.

  Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they wen

  Chapter 08

  A GAY CALL

  Picture 8 : Alfred goes to London

  I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we might go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham.

  Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I would dearly love to meet his lordship.

  Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words.

  Well dress in your best he muttered.

  Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass green muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and a muslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also a green silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief five shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lips rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must marry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap. He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his youth and so had Bernard Clark.

  At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale palace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. Edward Procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and mystearious as usual.

  Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily.

  Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully.

  Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.

  Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief giving a party.

  Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel he added. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone.

  Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds of laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they were in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite and a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and causing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two new comers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have you got with you he added glancing at Ethel.

  Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you——

  If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernard hastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun while Bernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid the throng.

  What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a socierty tone.

  Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in a loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano.

  Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I am at present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in a somewhat showing off tone.

  Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my friends.

  Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose.

  The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came back with a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friend Miss Monticue he added genially.

  Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice why it is Mr Salteena I know him well.

  Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend the Prince of Wales.

  Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit of the earl.

  Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to be here.

  I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set of compartments in the basement so there.

  I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty.

  Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you say Hyssops eh.

  Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tell me Ethel how did you leave Bernard.

  I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping with him at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances.

  Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly you had been looking pale of late.

  No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any more friends she added turning to the earl.

  Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared.

  I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in a low tone.

  Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it very mystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I think our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a duchess or something.

  Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing a deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day.

  This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish.

  But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in his chest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so madly he added passionately.

  But I dont love you responded Ethel.

  But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena.

  I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you to ask me and she smiled more nicely at him.

  This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my l
ife will be sour grapes and ashes without you.

  Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of you in a warm manner.

  Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in a gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk lady in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her husband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is Miss Monticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and Mr Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage.

  The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay Finchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party. Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going.

  Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this party most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel.

  Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy to Lady Gay Finchling.

  Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place.

  Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold of her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated emphatically.

  Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earl she said. I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou.

  Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added I shall look you up some day at your hotel.

  Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he added placing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethel left the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets of London.

  Chapter 09

  A PROPOSALE

  Picture 9 : The tower

  Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I love the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I can not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of London. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Then he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door.