The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  For a while I just lay still without opening my eyes. Lively little spots of sunlight seemed to be dancing a jig on my eyelids. I considered what I should do—pull the blanket up over my head or wake up to the world once and for all? I decided on the latter as the more promising option.

  I opened my eyes and blinked, trying to get used to the daylight. Then I looked around me. The room didn’t look like Juffin’s bedroom, where I had recently fallen asleep. It was too small and had only one window, but it was very, very familiar. Finally I realized where I was. It was my own bed in my old bedroom. My first apartment on the Street of Old Coins, which I had since moved out of for purely sentimental reasons. Great, but the new owners might be rather distressed by this!

  I shook my head in bewilderment and heard a rustle in back of me. I turned around to see a smiling Maba Kalox.

  “Look how attached you are to this little room!” he said merrily. “What did you find here—can you tell me?”

  “No, I can’t. You know me, Sir Maba. I’m completely nuts.”

  “No false modesty, please. You’re one of the most ordinary bores I have the pleasure of knowing. You’re just a little eccentric, that’s all. And it’s for the best.”

  “What’s for the best? The first or the second?”

  “Everything. Everything is for the best. All right, now it seems I can safely leave to go about my business. You don’t look like someone who is in urgent need of help. Besides, Juffin’s on his way, beaming like a freshly polished star. He’s bringing you your things, too. You don’t have anything here, do you?”

  “No. I’d have to cut a looxi out of the blanket and make my way home through back alleys under cover of darkness. Thank you, Sir Maba. Everything is fine with me now, isn’t it?”

  “With you? I don’t know—you know best. Turn away for a second and let me disappear.”

  “Oh, sure. But do I really have to? Turn away, I mean.”

  “Of course not. But when no one’s looking at you, it’s a lot easier to disappear, and I’m very lazy.”

  I turned away, and Sir Maba was gone. The stairs creaked under the weight of Juffin’s soft boots. The boss decided not to show off and came in through the door like normal people do.

  “Well, voyager?” he said breezily. “Are you happy after your little jaunt?”

  “I’m not sure yet. I guess so. But why did I wake up here and not at home?”

  “It was you who wanted to. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here,” Juffin said matter-of-factly. “Maba and I were surprised, too. You are apparently very fond of this tenement. But you were right when you decided to move out of this apartment. Now you will always enter the Corridor between Worlds from here. And return here afterward. This is the place where your Door between Worlds opens. Very convenient, I’d say. Your practicality simply astounds me. Here, take your duds and go to the bathing pools to wash up. We’ve got work to do. Breakfast, for example.”

  Juffin tossed me a black skaba. I dressed with alacrity. As far as I’m concerned, a naked man looks far too vulnerable and defenseless.

  Then I went downstairs to make myself presentable and to come to my senses. While I was bathing my thoughts also seemed to sort themselves out, without any help from me. As soon as I returned to the living room, where Juffin was pacing up and down impatiently, I asked, “What were you saying about how I would always leave from here and come back here? Do you mean to say that I can enter the Corridor between Worlds only from this bedroom? And in other places I’ll only be able to sleep just like everyone else?”

  “Exactly. At least for a while. This is just how you wanted it, and the Corridor between Worlds granted your wish, strangely enough. You’ve got it wrapped around your little finger! As far as I know, it’s the first time some mere boy has been able to make demands of this queer and unaccommodating place. You’re very good at having things your way, I must admit.” Juffin looked me up and down appraisingly and smiled. “Come on, put on your Mantle of Death and let’s go to the Glutton. They’ve missed you there.”

  “Missed me, right. You and I were there just yesterday.” I looked at Juffin. “Or wasn’t it yesterday? Wait a minute, did I sleep longer than two dozen hours?”

  “A bit longer,” the boss said, nodding.

  I didn’t like the crafty look on his face at all. “How much longer?”

  “Well, to be honest, you spent more than a year there.”

  “What!”

  “You heard me. Why are you so surprised?”

  “Why do you even ask? Do you think something like that happens to me every day?”

  “Not every day. But from now on it will happen from time to time. So you’d better get used to it. Time itself decides how to flow for someone who has entered the Corridor between Worlds. Only a very experienced traveler can perceive its actual flow. And you’re not experienced. Although you’re very capable, of course.”

  “But what about the guys?” I asked in dismay. “How did you manage all this time without me? And . . .”

  For some reason I felt very hurt, like when you’re a kid and you go home for lunch, and you’re gone just an hour, but when you come back you find out that your friends have gotten along fine without you and even started a new game, the rules of which are a complete mystery to you.

  “I told the crew that you had withdrawn to the Residence of the Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover, where you were carrying out a secret mission, which it was unadvisable not only to talk about but even to think about. They accepted it without a murmur. They said it was just like you, can you imagine?” Juffin chuckled. “Don’t sulk, Max. Without you we were all at loose ends, wailing and gnashing our teeth and beating our heads against the walls at Headquarters. Believe me, it’s no exaggeration. Not much, anyway. And every dozen days I stashed your pay in the desk drawer. Now the bottom’s about to fall out of it! You’ve woken up a very rich man, son! Now are you happy?”

  “Yes,” I nodded pompously, watching my own reflection in the mirror. It didn’t look bad, I must say. “Love me, pay me, and I’ll be fine.”

  “Enough parading in front of the mirror. Let’s go to the Glutton,” Juffin said. “The lads are chewing their napkins already, I’ll bet.”

  The Glutton Bunba was nearly empty. Only our favorite table between the bar and the window onto the little courtyard was occupied, by the Secret Investigators. They threw themselves at me in raucous joy when they saw me. Lady Melamori showed her mettle as a true fighter by reaching me first, so Melifaro got the rare opportunity to hug us both at the same time. Lookfi knocked over the tray of kamra in his excitement. Sir Kofa, a wise man, approached me from behind so he didn’t have to throw himself into the fray for the privilege of touching me. Lonli-Lokli stood sensibly off to the side, contemplating the spectacle approvingly. This was fine: it’s best to embrace such an impressive fellow on an individual basis.

  I sat down at the table and began looking around. It turned out that a lot can change in a year. Melifaro, for example, had acquired a small triangular scar above his left eyebrow. I have to say it suited him.

  “The easiest way to come by a hero’s scar is to get it right in the kisser. That’s the main thing, right?” he said. “What kind of hero was I before? A self-proclaimed one! Hey, you still don’t know what our Lokki-Lolni managed to pull off. Show him, Sir Shurf! He’ll get a kick out of it.”

  “Melifaro, you are simply begging for another scar,” Lonli-Lokli said. “You can’t persist in mocking my name with impunity much longer. I happen to like it.”

  “What did you manage to pull off, Shurf?”

  “Have a look.” Lonli-Lokli carefully drew off the protective glove from his left hand and showed me the palm of the death-dealing glove underneath. A sharp blue eye glared angrily from the center of it.

  I gasped. “Whose is it?”

  “It belongs to some fellow you don’t know. It happened while you were gone. Beautiful, isn’t it?”

  “What does it do? Does i
t have any unusual powers?

  Everyone guffawed at once. Only Shurf maintained his habitual composure.

  “It winks, Max,” Melifaro said, choking with laughter. “That’s all it does—it winks!”

  “I thought you’d like it,” Lonli-Lokli said. “Now whenever I put my left hand into action I always pause, just for a moment. That gives my palm time to wink at the victim. You know, sometimes I think it’s your joke. You whispered it to me once in a dream, I’m sure of it.”

  I smiled, flattered.

  “It’s definitely my style, but I’m not up to that yet. I’ve still got a long way to go. Thanks all the same.”

  After a long and wonderful breakfast I got behind the levers of Juffin’s amobiler and drove home to the Street of Yellow Stones. I was very anxious about how my cats had fared. Darn it, I had abandoned them for a whole year! Some responsible pet owner I was.

  “Come back by sundown, Max. You’ve got mountains of work to do,” Sir Juffin called out after me. His words were like balm to my spirit.

  Almost faint with worry, I rushed into the spacious hall of my apartment. There I was greeted by an idyllic picture: an incredible, indescribable, inhuman mess, in the center of which reigned Anday Pu, wrapped up in a house looxi. A slightly fatter Ella was curled at his feet, and Armstrong sat on his chest, purring. I shook my head in dismay, unsure of what to do: thank the guy, kill him on the spot, or simply cuss him out for all I was worth.

  “Good day, Max! I catch, I shouldn’t have stayed here without your permission, but your cats missed you terribly,” said the amateur zoologist in his charming French accent. “And my house is full of tenants. Their lease doesn’t run out for twenty years. Those plebeians have four kids who shout and bawl constantly, and I need to write. The dinner was over once and for all!”

  I sank down on the floor and almost died laughing. My head was spinning round and round. But that’s what my head is supposed to do, it seems: just keep spinning.

  “You catch?” Anday said timidly, smiling a crooked smile with the left side of his loquacious mouth.

  TWO

  THE SHIP FROM ARVAROX

  AND OTHER WOES

  “MAX, THE LIVES OF ALL THE POLICEMEN OF ECHO ARE in your hands.”

  Smiling, Melifaro made himself comfortable atop my desk, knocking the self-scribing tablets on the floor and an empty cup in my lap. Melifaro didn’t even blink. Instead, he hung over me, wringing his hands theatrically and demanding attention.

  “Ever since Boboota ran out of those funny smoking sticks you gave him, his temper is even worse than it used to be.”

  “Impossible,” I said in a calm voice. “It can’t get any worse than it was. Nature’s resources are not limitless. The boys simply forgot what their boss used to be like before he stuffed himself on King Banjee. Now he’s completely recovered, that’s all.”

  “So, you don’t have any more of those smoking sticks?” said Melifaro. “Poor Apurra.”

  “No, I don’t have any at the moment, but I can fetch some more. No problem. Who’s Apurra?”

  “Right, you haven’t met him yet. Lieutenant Apurra Blookey. He’s been with the police since Shixola died. As smart as the late Shixola, and almost as nice. You’ll like him. Oh, and there’s a new dame in the City Police, Lady Kekki Tuotli. Not only is she smart—I’d rather she worked for us, to be honest with you—she moves in the highest social circles. She’s very prim and haughty. Boboota almost never uses foul language in her presence, can you believe it?”

  “I can,” I said. “If you’ll remember, we once had a chance to observe him at home in his natural habitat.”

  “Right. As for the guy who replaced Kamshi, I don’t want you to meet him. You’re going to want to kill him right away,” said Melifaro, smiling a malicious smile.

  “Why? Is he a jerk?”

  “Not really a jerk. Mostly, he’s just an idiot. Lieutenant Chekta Jax has no sense of humor unless he’s laughing at his own jokes—which are terrible but, fortunately, few. A serious fellow, mind you, and very muscle-bound. A true hero. I suspect you’re not too keen on his kind.”

  “Oh, I can stand just about anyone as long as I don’t have to stand them for too long,” I said. “To think of how much has happened in just a year!”

  “A year and forty-eight days,” said Melifaro. “We’ve been keeping track during your absence. We made notches on a table in the Hall of Common Labor.”

  “You did? Unbelievable.”

  “But of course. Those were the happiest days in our lives. A man has the right to know exactly how long he’s been happy.”

  “I see. Okay, you can be happy for another couple of hours. By the way, it’s noon, and my shift doesn’t start until midnight. So I’m off.”

  “You’re off to where?” said Melifaro. “I’ll bet you’re going to get stuffed again. Didn’t they feed you at the Seven-Leaf Clover?”

  “You know how stingy they are there. Believe it or not, I haven’t eaten once since I was gone.”

  This was true. I don’t remember seeing any diners in the Corridor between Worlds. I even got visibly skinny during my magic slumber. Truth be told, I was looking forward to fattening myself up again.

  “If you’re headed to the Glutton—”

  “If I were headed to the Glutton, I’d say so. I need to stop by my place. Do you know what’s going on there? While I was away, one young man made himself right at home under my roof.”

  “Oh, that tubby journalist? He’s a nice guy. Funny, too.” In Melifaro’s parlance, a recommendation like that weighed in as a real compliment.

  “My cats think he’s nice, too,” I said. “The three were perfectly happy without me. You can’t imagine what the place looks like now. I’m a minimalist, as you know, but this is beyond belief. They’ve turned the place upside down. The whole house needs an overhaul. My humble Forbidden Magic skills are insufficient, so to fix the place up I followed the advice of Sir Shurf and hired professionals. Some pretty shady fellows, let me tell you. Possibly former Grand Magicians. Their leader says it’ll take them no less than two dozen days to fix it up, and deep in my heart, I tend to agree with him. In any case, that’s much too long for me to wait. I’m going over there to inspire them to hurry it up with my menacing countenance. Long story short, I’ll be back in an hour. Then we’ll go to the Glutton or some other place—you decide. Boy, I’m so agreeable today, I disgust myself.”

  “Yes, you’re losing your touch,” said Melifaro, smiling from ear to ear. “Get along with you now. But come back soon.”

  “You’re letting me go? Really? Thank you, O magnanimous master.”

  I made a deep bow in the spirit of Melifaro himself and rushed out of Headquarters. I think I had the last word in that exchange, though when it comes to determining the winner of a contest of wits, even the Dark Magicians would be hard-pressed to choose between Melifaro and myself.

  At home, everything was fine, except that Armstrong and Ella were irked because I had locked them in the bedroom. I didn’t think it was such a great idea for them to saunter around among sullen workers, building materials, and other unwholesome clutter.

  “It’s your own fault,” I said, scratching the napes of my little furries’ necks. “I should have locked your honey pie Anday in with you. I’m not done with him yet. Let this be a lesson to you: next time you’ll think twice before demolishing everything in sight.”

  I knew very well that they wouldn’t, though, if given another chance.

  Two hours later, Melifaro and I were sitting at the Glutton Bunba. I was really going to make up for lost time.

  “So, where are you going to live now?” said my diurnal half. “At Headquarters?”

  “Uh-huh. Consider the Minor Secret Investigative Force to be temporarily disbanded. You guys are too much of a nuisance: you’re noisy, and you’re always munching on something. Seriously though, I still have my old apartment on the Street of Old Coins, remember?”

  “That she
d? Take it easy on the food, then, or you’re not going to fit inside it. The reason I’m asking is because my nutty family is begging me to bring you out for a stay. I tried telling my folks that they’d live to regret it, but they’re a bit slow, like all farmers.” Melifaro’s wit spared no one, not even his own parents.

  “Is this an invitation?”

  “No, it’s the final warning. Don’t you dare come poking your nose around my family estate! Well, unless it’s under my direct supervision. I’m going there tonight to see my older brother.”

  “The big guy?”

  “Who? Oh, you mean Baxba? No, I’m talking about Anchifa. The pride of the family, as it were. He’s a real pirate. What else would my brother do in the wet, salty, boundless sea? The way I see it, pillaging merchant fafunas is the only worthy pastime under the circumstances. Anchifa got home just a few days ago, and it’s been a nonstop celebration ever since. In other words, it’s boring as hell there. Please don’t let me die of boredom!”

  “I’d love to save you, Melifaro, but you know Juffin. He’ll gladly send me straight into a den of berserk werewolves, but on a pleasant trip to the country—I don’t think so.”

  “Oh, but he will,” said Melifaro. “I already talked to him. Juffin was pretty happy about it. I gather you’re getting on his nerves big time.”

  “Really?” I said. “Good golly, I thought he’d tie me to the chair so that nothing would distract me from my work.”

  “That would be fantastic!” Melifaro said. “I should suggest it to him.”

  “Munching away, are you, boys?” said Sir Kofa Yox, who had materialized suddenly behind my back. “Good, good. I have some news for you, Max. You’re going to love it.”

  “Is this a new joke?” I said.

  I had already heard dozens of them. While I was gone, the locals missed me so much that they had come up with jokes (most of them quite obscene) featuring yours truly. I had no choice but to put up with them. After all, even Sir Juffin Hully hadn’t escaped that dubious honor.