Back to Yesterday

by Pamela Sparkman

  “Okay, I’ll tell you what I see and you can picture it. I see green fields below us, a beautiful sky above us, and to our right is a lake. Do you like to swim? Maybe we can go swimming sometime.” I knew she couldn’t answer me, but I wanted my voice in her head as we climbed higher and higher. “Now I see white. We’re in the clouds, sweetheart. It’s so beautiful, like floating marshmallows.” We climbed out of the clouds and the horizon was now even with the nose and extended as far as the eye could see. The sun was beginning to set and it was so beautiful my heart skipped a beat.

  “Sophie,” I said, “God is painting us a picture. Look, sweetheart.”

  I knew that was the moment Sophie opened her eyes. Her hair whipped with the wind and I watched her every movement. After a few moments, she turned her head so I could see her, and what I saw were tears in her eyes and a smile more magnificent than any sunset I’d ever seen. And I knew then I had given her that fantastic, exhilarating, fascinating moment, the one she would remember for a lifetime.

  The memory that would always include me.

  “Do you love it?” I asked her.

  She nodded enthusiastically, and turned back around, facing forward. She held up her right hand and motioned something. Confused, I asked, “What are saying? I don’t understand.”

  She motioned again by twirling her finger.

  “You want me to do a barrel roll?”

  She dropped her hand and nodded.

  A big toothy grin lit up my face. “All right.” I did a slow barrel roll for her by rolling all the way to the right and an easy loop up and over. When we were right-side up again she gave me a thumbs-up.

  “You want me to do it again?”

  Another nod. This time I rolled to the left, looped up and over.

  I couldn’t see her face, although, I knew she was having the time of her life. We flew for a while longer and then all too soon it was time to land. I guided the plane down, dropping gently, with the two main wheels and the tail wheel touching the ground at the same time. A perfect three point landing.

  We came to a complete stop and I helped Sophie exit the plane. She threw her arms around me when her feet hit the pavement. “Thank you!” she said. “Thank you thank you thank you! That was the most fun I ever had!”

  I held her in my arms and kissed her temple. “You’re welcome.” God, how I wanted for this moment to go on and on and on.

  On the way back to her house she was quiet, reflective, and I drove with my own thoughts swirling about, still feeling like I was flying high. I parked in front of her house and shut off the engine. Without a word, I got out and opened the door for her. Taking her by the hand, I led her to the front door.

  She stood, staring up at me. I looked into her eyes and swam in her ocean. And then I had to look away because I was drowning, with no life preserver to save me. That was what became of me. A man clinging to survival in a deep, beautiful sea.

  And then Sophie threw me a lifeline. “You can kiss me, Charlie. I mean, if you want, you can kiss me.”

  I cupped her cheeks with both my hands. “I definitely want to.” Moving in closer, I brushed my lips against hers. Soft and full, they tasted sweet, like cherries. Her lips parted. She welcomed me with warmth and I thanked her with passion. Her words had said… ‘you can kiss me’ and her kiss said… ‘don’t ever stop.’ I lost myself somewhere in between. There was no going back. I gave my heart to her in that kiss and she swallowed it down with a sigh. She owned it. Maybe she always had. I don’t know. All I knew was that wherever she was, my heart was also.

  “Do I get a third date?” I whispered across her mouth.

  “Yes,” she whispered back.

  “And a fourth?”

  “Okay.”

  “And a fifth?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Can I have forever, Sophie?”

  “Char–”

  The porch light came on, and it felt like we were under a spotlight, a sign that it was time for me to leave.

  “What were you gonna say?” I asked, brushing her cheek with my fingers.

  “I – I have to go inside.”

  She looked down at her feet. I lifted her chin, kissed her forehead and asked again. “What were you gonna say?”

  “I – I’m afraid.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of getting my heart broken.”

  “I would never–”

  “You can’t say that. You don’t know. You could die, Charlie. When you go back to war, you could die. And that would break my h-heart.”

  I wrapped my arms around her, held her to me as tightly as I could. “I’ll come back. You’ve given me a reason to come back.”

  We stood like that for what seemed like hours. She trembled in my arms and I held her closer. I made promises to her that night I had no business making. I made it all sound so easy. But there was nothing easy about our situation. Because the truth was, she was right. I didn’t know if I would come back. However, you don’t tell the girl you’ve given your heart to that these moments might be all we have. Besides, I still had some time before the inevitable happened and I was living for today. I needed her to live for today too.

  The porch light flickered, a gentle reminder it was time for me to go. I kissed her cherry lips and whispered, “Good night, sweetheart.”

  “Goodnight, Charlie.” I was halfway back to Tank’s truck when Sophie said, “Charlie?”

  I turned around. “Yes?”

  “Thank you…for today. I’ll remember it always.”

  It sounded like a goodbye. I didn’t say anything. I smiled and waved at her father, who was watching from the living room window.

  I think he knew his daughter had become the center of my whole world.

  And what I wanted more than anything was to be the center of hers.

  “Where are they?” Levi asked, panicked.

  “They’re not here yet,” Maikel said. “They’re coming up the road.”

  Levi and I peeked outside the barn doors. A vehicle was fast approaching, kicking up thick plumes of dust in its wake.

  “Charles, I need you to shovel the hot coals out of the pit and put them inside the ash bucket. Get that fire snuffed out.”

  “What are you gonna do?”

  “I’m going to do what I have to.”

  “Which is?”

  “Charlie, take care of the fire.” With that, he and Maikel were sliding the door closed, leaving me alone inside.

  Beads of sweat trickled down my face and I wondered if this was how it was going to end for me. Captured by Nazi Germans.

  I reached for Sophie’s letter, the one I always kept with me. I wasn’t supposed to have it when I flew missions. We’re stripped of all personal belongings, with the exception of our dog tags, in case we’re ever captured by the enemy. Items like letters could be used against us. However, I had broken this rule because holding the letter was the closest thing to holding her.

  Knowing that I could be a prisoner of war any minute, I did what I had to do. I took the letter and held it to the fire. The flames lapped at the corners first, and then spread, eating away her words, erasing everything she had said until I was forced to let it go.

  I felt sick. Ashes were all that remained of the one thing that brought me peace in a world of chaos. And now it was gone.

  “Levi!” someone shouted.

  Running out of time, I did as Levi instructed and shoveled out the burning coals. Then I hid behind a stack of hay bales.

  The barn was old. Dust motes danced and floated around in the soft beams of sunlight that seeped between the cracks in the walls. Sitting on the dirt floor, the air was stifling and the burning smell from the fire pit lingered.

  “Hans,” Levi said. “What brings you out this way?” Peeking through one of the cracks, I saw the two men shake hands.

  A second man approached, holding his hand out to Levi, which Levi accepted. “Karl, it’s been a while. Come back for more vegetables?”

 
; In thick German accents, the two men spoke English. “We got word from Area Command that two of our fighter ME 109s shot down an American Spitfire in the area,” the one named Karl said.

  “You know how those Luftwaffe pilots are – they want every kill confirmed,” the other man said. “We were sent to do a search of the area.”

  Levi led the Germans away from the barn, preventing me from hearing their conversation. He pointed to the barn and then pointed to the house. His lips were moving and I had no idea what he was telling them. Maikel stayed by his father’s side, not speaking.

  I had to wonder if Levi was handing me over to the enemy. His last words repeated in my head: “I’m going to do what I have to.”

  I felt sick all over again.

  Then I thought about what Maikel had asked me the day before: “Does anybody know where you are?”

  No one knew where I was because I didn’t have a radio, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have used it for fear the enemy would overhear the transmission, compromising my location. I would have protected Levi and his kid, not wanting to bring them trouble. However, I didn’t know that Levi was friendly with the enemy either.

  How could I have been so stupid?

  Thinking back from the first memory I had when I stepped out of the wreckage, I scrambled to find the clues I had missed. Were there clues? My mind flipped through the encounter at a frantic pace and my memories started overlapping one another. Levi, Maikel, mules, friendly smiles, and late night talks blurred the lines and I didn’t know fact from fiction anymore. Then an image of blue eyes and red, red lips flickered in and out like a movie projector. When the image froze in place, I couldn’t see beyond her face. She was smiling that smile of hers, and I smiled too, remembering the exact moment I had taken that mental picture. It was right after I had taken her flying, when she jumped in my arms, happiness lighting up her face.

  The image was so real, so vivid, that my arms extended out in front of me, ready to touch the smooth skin on her cheek.

  “Sophie,” I whispered.

  I could feel her. She was there. She was right there. And then her face twirled into a fine mist until she…vanished.

  Sophie!

  The barn door slid open with a loud thud, snapping me out of my haze. Heavy footsteps approached. My heart pounded like a stampede of wild horses and a thousand spider legs scuttled down my spine.

  They were coming for me.

  I pinched my eyes closed, knowing what being a prisoner of war inside Nazi Germany meant for me and I knew I had a decision to make.

  “Get up,” someone said.

  In a blur, I was on my feet and my 44-caliber was aimed at the man’s head.

  “Charles,” Levi said with wide eyes. “Put the gun down.”

  “Hands up! Where are they?” I shouted.

  “They’re not here. They left.”

  “I don’t believe you! Where are they?”

  “Papa?” Maikel said with a tremble in his voice.

  Never taking his eyes off me, Levi stated in a calm voice to his son, “It’s okay. Charles is just scared.”

  My eyes darted back and forth between father and son while I continued to hold the gun to Levi’s head. “Don’t mess with me. I heard you. You’re friends with them.”

  “Let me explain.”

  “Did you lead them to me, Levi? Did you tell them where I was?”

  “No, I swear.”

  “WHERE ARE THEY?”

  Sweat dripped down Levi’s forehead, his hands shook in the air. “I told you. They left. Son, tell Charles the Germans left.”

  “Don’t,” I seethed. “Don’t make the boy lie for you.”

  I felt crazed, insane. My mind looped and tumbled, trying to make sense of everything. One minute I was in a room with Sophie and the next I was…

  “He’s telling the truth!” Maikel cried. “Papa told them he hadn’t seen or heard anything.” When I glanced at the boy, tears were streaming down his face. “We both lied for you.”

  A knot lodged itself in my throat, regret coursed through my veins, and the remorse I felt for scaring the kid made my blood run cold.

  I lowered my weapon and took a couple of steps back. I looked at the few embers that still glowed red and I fell to my knees remembering how I had burned Sophie’s letter.

  When Levi started towards me, I held up my hand. “Don’t come near me. I need a minute.”

  Except for the soft whimpering from Maikel, a deafening silence filled the space. Moments passed without anyone uttering a single word. I waited for the adrenaline rush to subside and when it did, my stomach felt rotten.

  Thunder rolled in the distance and splatters of rain hit the tin roof. How appropriate that the storm outside mirrored the storm within my soul.

  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

  I felt a large hand on my shoulder, and a smaller hand touched my cheek. I refused to meet my comforters eye to eye. How could I? I had been seconds away from killing my friend while his son looked on.

  “It’s okay,” Levi said. “Everything is okay.”

  “No, it isn’t,” I said softly, and then listed my offenses. “I burned her letter. I almost shot you. I scared Maikel.” In defeat, I mumbled, “I’m losing my grip on sanity.”

  “I’m okay,” Maikel said. “See? I’m okay. I knew you wouldn’t shoot Papa. I was scared too. Those men always scare me when they come here.”

  Recalling how friendly Levi appeared to be with the Germans, I had to know. Still refusing to look at him, I asked, “Friends of yours, Levi?”

  Levi patted my back a couple of times and then took a deep breath. “No. They’re not my friends, but I let them think they are.” He sat down on a hay bale next to me and clasped his hands together, elbows on his knees. “I give them bits and pieces of information, not enough to endanger our allies, although enough to make them think I’m reliable and they give me information that helps…”

  When his voice trailed off, I looked up. “Helps…what?” I prompted.

  Looking down at the toes of his shoes, he said, “I’m the leader of an underground coalition that helps downed pilots find safety. We set up rendezvous points, getting them from point A to point B where we have people waiting to help them get to safe places, and ultimately back to their bases. I didn’t tell you about it because it’s dangerous and it wasn’t really an option for you. Your plan was better, getting your plane fixed and back in the air. And the fewer people who knew about you the better – for all of us.”

  “You’re risking your life,” I said, realizing for the first time what he was sacrificing.

  “And you’re risking yours.”

  Our eyes locked at that moment, and the bond we had started to build before the Germans showed up cemented itself in history that day. Levi would forever be my friend, long after this damn war was over, and I his.

  I took in a long breath of hot, humid air and let it out slowly. “They’ll be back, won’t they?”

  “Yes.”

  “When?”

  “Soon. They didn’t search my farm because they think I’m helping them, but they’ll be pressured to find the crash site, and more will come to make a formal sweep of the area. We don’t have much time, Charles. We have to get your plane fixed and get you out of here or…” He looked to his son and his eyes fell to the ground.

  Or we’re all dead.

  They’d kill Levi and Maikel if they found out he hid an American pilot on his property, and I’d be dead because I wouldn’t be taken alive.

  I slapped my hands on my knees and stood. “Let’s get back to work.”

  We fired up the forge, but not before I picked up the ashes and watched them fall between my fingers.

  “Sophie is your heart, yes?” Levi asked in a hushed voice.

  I swallowed the ache once more and mirrored his tone. “Yes.”

  “The letter…” Levi said, “was just paper. The love behind the letter can never be destroyed because it lives
in here.” He pressed his palm against my chest. “And here.” His finger tapped my temple.

  I nodded, knowing he was right.

  He smiled with tight lips and I knew he was trying to bury his own ache. “Now, let’s get busy, my friend. I am making it my mission to get you home.”

  “Charles?” Maikel said.

  I cleared my throat. “Yes?”

  “Are you okay?”

  I wasn’t, not by a long shot, although, that’s not what I said. I chose optimism. “I will be, son. I will be.”

  And maybe if I kept repeating it, I would actually start to believe it.

  February 7, 1943

  Dear Charlie,

  They say there’s a turning point in everyone’s life. A moment that alters the way we live our lives, or more accurately, a series of moments. A moment like that began for me the night after our second date. It all started when I opened my journal to read the last thing I had written. The events that immediately followed would pick the scab of an old wound, a wound that never seemed to heal. But it was on this night that my life would start down a new path, a road of personal growth and healing. A road that would ultimately lead me to discover what had been holding me back from admitting my feelings for you. It didn’t happen overnight, of course. Life is a journey and some journeys take longer than others. But if you let me explain, I promise that I will make it up to you.

  Some day.

  Somehow.

  Until then, I’ll wait. For as long as it takes, I’ll wait.

  ~ Sara Bareilles

  She Used to Be Mine

  I’m just a girl who works in a café and has dreams of being somebody someday. But take away the dreams and…I’m just a girl.

  “No, you’re not just a girl,” Elizabeth said, reading over my shoulder.

  I slammed my notebook closed. “Stop reading my stuff!”

  “I always read your stuff. How else would I ever know what’s going on in that head of yours?”

  My innermost thoughts were in that notebook and I didn’t appreciate someone else reading them. Annoyed, I said, “You could ask me.”