Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3)

by Kim Golden

  "Sounds like you're having a good time with the girls."

  "I am. This time I've had with them so far…it's been really wonderful." I smiled as I watched Lorelei and Liv help Freya into the pool. My aunt gave Freya a rubber duck, while Liv and Lorelei sent streams of magic bubbles into the air with the bubble wands my aunt had found. Their laughter made everything feel right.

  "But you're coming back?" Marius asked again.

  I nodded slowly. This was just temporary. I had to remind myself of this. This was a vacation from my normal life. "Yes, I'm coming back...just not yet."

  CHAPTER TEN: Mads

  Counting the Days

  I was counting the days until I could leave for America. I'd never flown there before on my own—hell, I'd only ever been there twice and both times I'd gone with Laney. I didn't know I had to apply for a special entry visa—Eddy explained it to me after I'd received an email from the airline with the subject line: "Getting Ready for Your US Holiday". I called her as soon as I'd scanned it and come to the part about an entrance visa. Now she'd come to the workshop to help me fill it in.

  "It's not really a visa," she said as she filled in the form. "And you should be filling this in yourself."

  "You took over the computer," I reminded her, "and then you told me to go and pick up lunch for you. Which I've done." I slid her takeaway box towards her. "Roast beef smørrebrød, just like you asked for. And an iced tea."

  "Did you go to that café Laney and I like?" She tapped the keyboard again.

  I nodded. It was the same café I always went to and Laney swore by their iced tea. "I asked them to add extra mint, just like you asked."

  "Done! Now you have your visa."

  "Tusen takk, Eddy. I really appreciate this. I went into a panic as soon as I saw that mail."

  "Didn't you have to fill out the last time you went?"

  "I think Laney took care of it," I said. "I guess she took care of a lot of things I didn't think about."

  Eddy and I were sitting at the farm table-cum-conference table. We had the workshop to ourselves. Willem and Ibrahim were on their way to Milan with Morten and Anton. Jonas had gone out to pick up his lunch. He was flying out to Milan tomorrow. Having her here made me feel like I had a better chance of convincing Laney to come home. I told myself Eddy wasn't pissed at me anymore, but I knew if I didn't get it right I wouldn't have her in my corner.

  "I spoke to her last night," Eddy said as she cut her sandwich in half. She sectioned off a tiny square and then tasted it. "Ooh! This is yummy! I swear, this is better than those roast beef sandwiches I used to eat in Stockholm."

  "Swedes don't know anything about smørrebrød." Which was definitely true. In the time I lived in Sweden, I never had a good open-faced sandwich. I gave up on them. "Or wienerbrød, for that matter."

  "Have you told Laney you're going there?" I could see the concern etched on Eddy's face. She raised her index finger to her lips and tapped them with her fingertip. "Or were you planning on surprising her?"

  "I haven't told her yet. Why? Do you think I should?"

  "Well, sweetie, you should at least warn my mother that you're coming." Eddy shook her finger at me. "Cecily always like to be prepared."

  "I'll call her tonight," I said. "Your mother, I mean. I think...I want to surprise Laney. Saturday is our actual anniversary. I thought...I'd show up, maybe she and I could have some time alone and just talk. Try to figure out where we are."

  Eddy smiled finally, the stern look melting away. She reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "I know you want to make things right. And I want that, too. You and my cousin have been so good together. And I would hate to see that end."

  "I don't want it to end," I assured her. "Everything that's good in my life is because of Laney."

  "I think she'd say the same, sweetie." Eddy took another sip of her iced tea. She let out a sigh. "She wouldn't have Liv or Freya without you."

  I missed my girls. I missed Freya's excited squeals whenever I lifted her in the air. I missed how Liv became my shadow as soon as I was home, following me everywhere, never letting me out of her sight as she filled me in on everything I'd missed during the day. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, she wanted to be there. "I hate going home to an empty apartment, it's not a home without them there. No Freya giggling or trying to find her balance...no Liv asking a zillion questions and climbing in my lap and telling me secrets..."

  "They miss you, Mads. I'm glad you're going. You're doing the right thing—even if it means you won't be able to represent your work."

  "I don't care about that. It started off as this dream I had, but I went into overdrive with it so I could support my family." I scratched my neck. It was a nervous tic. "I know what kind of life Laney had before she met me...I don't want her to ever feel like she's missed out on something because I can't support us."

  "Does Laney know this?"

  I nodded. "I let it get in the way, though."

  "Well, try not to let it happen again." Then Eddy winked at me and grinned.

  Once Eddy left, I focused on wrapping up as much as I could of my part of the hotel project. I'd just finished the changes Ole had requested to my design. I scanned everything into my computer and then sent the changes to Jonas, Morten and Anton to make sure they could continue with their own revisions. I checked my phone. No new messages, but it was still early in America. Jonas had just returned from lunch. He slammed into the workshop and let out a long stream of choice Danish swearwords.

  I looked up from my drafting board. "What's happened?"

  "Benny called me when I was having lunch."

  "What did she want?"

  "She wants her final paycheck...she wants it now, she wants us to write a good reference for her, she thinks you owe her an apology...she says we all do."

  As Jonas continued with his list of Benny's wants, I felt my insides twist and knot. Anton was right. We should have never hired her, but we had to deal with it now. She was threatening to report us to the union. She said we'd discriminated against her because she was a woman.

  "We could ask Anoushka to help," I finally said after Jonas finished listing all of our wrongs. I hadn't spoken to Anoushka in a few weeks. Sometimes she and Laney planned play dates for Lida and Liv. It was one of the strange webs of my life—that a little girl whom I helped create but was never supposed to have met would now be one of Liv's playmates. "If you think we're going to need legal help, she could give us some guidance."

  "I shouldn't even be burdening you with this." Jonas knocked his fist on the stone wall. "You've already got enough to think about."

  "Yeah, but this collective we've got—that's a big part of my life too."

  "Look, just leave Anoushka's number and then Anton, Morten and I will take care of this. The last thing we need is Benny causing more problems for you and Laney."

  I ran my palm over my mouth and leaned back in my chair. Had I sent out signals that I was interested in Benny? I didn't remember anything specific. She'd flirted with every one of us when she first arrived in the workshop. Jonas had been the first one interested in her. He'd broken up with his long-term girlfriend, Zana, after months of what seemed like a cold war. And Benny had been there, every day, joking with Jonas, working on several projects... In the beginning she'd shown no interest in me. And that was fine. I was so busy then, with getting used to having a second child at home, at the cycle of sleepless nights that sometimes followed. I'd come to the workshop and fall asleep on the couch in the office during my coffee breaks. I think it was around the time when Laney and I thought Freya had colic. She'd wake screaming and we couldn't figure out how to comfort her. I think it was then that Laney and I began to drift apart, both of us exhausted from not having enough sleep, and then I threw myself into work.

  "How long were you and Benny seeing each other?" I asked Jonas. It was something he'd never officially acknowledged, but we'd all known it was going on. The long lunch breaks they took, t
he evenings when they'd work overtime claiming they were behind schedule.

  Jonas's neck flushed red. "Just a couple of months," he said and then changed the subject. But it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I'd be in Florida by Friday. And I'd be able to get my marriage back on track again.

  * * *

  I wasn't sure what to pack. I knew it was hot in Florida—wasn't it always summer there? My American trips so far had consisted of going to New York with Laney.

  The first time we went, Liv was still a baby. We'd gone there to spend Thanksgiving with Eddy. It was easy to pack for that trip—winter coat, boots, thermal underwear, sweaters, jeans...it was freezing in New York, and the damp cold went straight through every layer of clothing you wore. One of the days we were there, we left Liv with Eddy and Henrik for the day and we took the train to Philadelphia. Laney wanted to put flowers on her mother's grave. She bought flowers—a bouquet of bright pink tulips—as soon as we'd arrived at 30th Street Station, then we took a taxi to the cemetery. It was just as cold in Philly as it had been in New York, and the taxi driver told us they were expecting snow. Laney said she'd pay him extra if he waited and turned off the meter. I remember thinking he'd agree and then leave us there, but he waited. And while Laney was arranging the flowers and telling me she knew they wouldn't last but they were her mother's favorites, it began to snow.

  The second time we went Florida, but I didn't remember much of that trip other than getting sick already on the plane and being bed-ridden most of the week. Laney thought I had a stomach virus. I thought it was more likely bubonic plague. That trip was also in winter, but Laney had packed all of our bags. And since I spent most of the vacation either in the bathroom or in bed, I never really paid much attention to what I wore. But Aunt Cecily and Laney took care of me, and Liv, who was only two then, crept into the bedroom at least twice a day to pat my arm and tell me she wanted me to feel better.

  My empty suitcase lay open on the bedroom floor, waiting to be filled. So far, all I'd pulled out was a pair of linen pants and two black T-shirts. Well, it was a start, but it definitely wouldn't get me through two weeks in Florida. I'd booked a ticket with a flexible return date. I needed to be prepared for anything. Laney might turn me away. She might welcome me with open arms. I tried to read her whenever she arranged FaceTime calls for Liv and me, but she never let our conversations last very long. Sometimes Laney would sit in front the screen long enough to answer the questions I asked her—how was she, did she need anything from me, was everything okay with the girls...but she avoided looking at me, and when she did her eyes were glassy and she'd blink quickly and then rush to end the call. It didn't matter if I tried to convince her to stay a little longer, she'd find an excuse to end the call.

  Last night she at least stayed on long enough to say "I love you..." Her voice was barely a whisper as she said it and it crept inside me and stayed with me all night. I dreamt she was lying beside me, her hand on my chest. I thought she was there, I thought I felt her lips on my skin, but when I woke up the room was empty. It almost made me feel worse...but I had to remind myself that I would see her soon.

  When I finally finished packing, it was a little after midnight. It was still raining out and thunder was rumbling overhead. Lightning flashed outside the balcony doors. I stood by the doors and watched the rain slash down. It wasn't much longer until I'd be on my way. I just hoped she still wanted me in her life.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN: Laney

  True Confessions

  "Mommy does yoga every morning," Liv announced as soon as Mads asked her how she was. "She goes for long walks too."

  It was her daily FaceTime call with Mads. I told myself I was doing this for her—making sure she could spend time with him even if she could not actually be in the same place as him—but it was also for me. I wanted to hear his voice, wanted to hear him laugh at Liv's silly stories. I loved how he paid close attention to everything she said, he remembered what she told him and remembered to ask her questions about it.

  "But that sounds nice," he said. "I'll bet Mommy is happy then."

  I dared to glance up from the basket of laundry I was folding. Mads's tanned face...his hair was so much shorter now, it accentuated the sharpness of his cheekbones and nose. My breath caught in my throat... would I ever stop reacting to how beautiful he was? I didn't think he could see me, but then he raised his hand and waved at me. "Hej, elskede..."

  I had no choice but to wave back and say "hej.”

  "Your walks must be doing you good," he said as I came over to stand by Liv. I knelt beside her. On the other side of the ocean, Mads's smile broadened. "You look...happy."

  "You cut your hair..." I blurted out without thinking.

  Liv giggled and said, "Papa looks nice!"

  "I didn't want it this short..." Mads grinned. He ran his hand over his newly shorn hair. His wedding band glinted in the light. "I said I wanted it trimmed...and the hair stylist went a little scissor-happy."

  "It suits you." I wanted to reach through the screen and touch him. "It reminds me of those pictures from when you were younger...the ones your grandmother has on the wall..."

  "Laney...when do you think you'll come home?"

  His voice caressed me, grazing every sensitive bit of me and peeling away my defenses. I felt my will slip away. I could so easily fall. I knew I could.

  "I can't...not yet." I braced my hand on the desktop. Liv leaned forward and kissed the screen. Mads leaned in too and pretended to kiss his screen. He closed his eyes long enough for me to drink him in. When he opened his eyes again, I couldn't look away. Neither could he. How long did we sit there, on opposite sides of the screen and the ocean, staring at one another, wanting one another too much? Thank God Liv was there to distract us.

  "I love you, Papa..."

  "I love you too, Liv." Mads blinked quickly and flashed a smile just for Liv.

  "Papa, I can't find Bobbi Fox..." Liv pouted at the screen. She'd been surprisingly patient about Bobbi Fox's absence—especially since I told her enough Adventures of Bobbi Fox stories to convince her that Bobbi Fox was also on vacation and traveling the world. "I miss her."

  Mads told her to hold on. He disappeared from the screen for a few moments and then he returned with Liv's stuffed fox and held her up for Liv to see. "Bobbi Fox came home, she thought Papa needed some company."

  "Will you bring her with you?"

  "Bring her?" He ran his fingertips over his lips. I thought I saw him smile, but maybe I just wished for it. I loved his smiles—loved how all the hard angles of his face softened and his eyes seemed to flare.

  Liv nodded enthusiastically. "Mommy said you are coming too. She said you are coming soon."

  Mads took this in. I saw how he glanced from Liv to me. Even if we were miles apart, he understood: we could not disappoint our daughter. "Bobbi told me she can't wait to see you again."

  "When are you coming, Papa?"

  "Soon, lille ven, sooner than you think."

  "Say goodbye to Daddy now," I said to Liv. "I want to talk to him too."

  At first Liv protested, but Mads calmed her down with a laugh and repeated his promise that he and Bobbi Fox would be there soon. She clapped her hands and blew him kisses. I helped her out of the chair and waited until I heard her chatting with my aunt.

  "I miss you, Laney..." Mads said before I could begin wrapping up our call. He tapped the screen and left his hand there. "I want us to work through this. I told you...I'm in this with you for the long haul."

  He'd said it to me so many times. Whenever we'd argued, whenever my doubts and insecurities flared and sent me running, he found me and he always said the same thing.

  "Do you mean it?" I straightened my shoulders and tried to focus on him without letting my resolve falter. "Because if you're serious...about us, about staying together...then you need to come to me."

  I tried to read the expression on his face—his eyes were cast down, a long shadow fell across the bridge of his nos
e. When he looked up again, he asked me if that was what I wanted, for him to come.

  "I came to you, I put everything on the line for you," I said. "Now it's time for you to do the same."

  Mads's hand still rested on his screen. I could see how the lines on his palm formed paths and valleys. I kept my eyes trained there, afraid I would say more and not wanting to let a rush of emotion call forward what I really wanted to say—Why do I feel like I can't live without you? Why do I feel like I love you more than I love my children? I wish we could go back to how we were before...when I knew for certain no other woman would ever turn your head.

  "Laney...look at me..."

  Mads was peering at me, his gaze steady, those lips I'd kissed and longed to kiss again slightly parted. He placed his right hand on his chest, on his heart. I could already feel my lower lip wobbling. Hold it together, girl. Then he bit his lower lip and smiled at me and I couldn't help smiling back. I touched my left hand to the screen, matching my fingertips with his. For a moment I imagined the roughness of his fingertips on mine.

  "Laney, I will do anything for you. Anything." Then he lowered his voice. "Do you remember when we first met? How we connected?"

  "I can never forget that..."

  "It's still there, Laney, that connection...we just have to hold on to it. And I'm not letting go."

  * * *

  After his call, I couldn't concentrate or relax. I think Freya picked up on my mood because she was also restless. I ended up calling Peyton and asking her if she could babysit Liv so I could go to yoga class again. We were late arriving but the instructor didn't seem to mind. At first I could not even manage to follow along with a simple sun salutation. His voice crept into my mind, distracting me, asking me what I wanted...did I still want him...did I still want our marriage.