by Kim Golden
"I'm glad you think so," I told her. "I want you to have fun while we're here."
Beside us, Rebecca and Lorelei were singing as they skipped and danced their way up Dogwood Lane. Hanging out with them, seeing a different way of interacting with my daughters and not having to feel like it was all a competition to be supermom was refreshing. I liked how Rebecca and her daughters had fun together—she let them be kids, she didn't care about dressing them up like little fashion plates or turning them into mini-adults. If they wanted to wear torn jeans and T-shirts and blow bubbles on the beach, she was okay with that. I had to hold onto this when I went back to Copenhagen—I didn't have to compete with the other mothers, I could be me and that was fine.
"Thanks so much for suggesting this outing, Rebecca." We'd come to a stop outside of her bungalow. "This was exactly what Liv and I needed."
"Honey, you're so welcome—and we were glad for the company." She let go of Lorelei's hand. As soon as she did, Lorelei took off across the yard and did a handstand.
"I was wondering...would you be able to go somewhere with me tomorrow?" I shifted Liv in my arms. She was humming against my neck. "I need to go to Fort Lauderdale and I don't really want to go on my own."
"I have to work until 1PM, but I'm free after that," she said. "So...what's the mission? Are we shopping...or are you looking for a place here?"
"What? Oh, no...I'll have to go back to Denmark soon. Sooner or later, I'll have to work things out with my husband...and I want to, and I think he wants it too." I bounced Liv in my arms. "Cecily told me my father's living here in Florida now...and I haven't seen him since Liv was a baby. I just don't want to go alone."
"Difficult situation?"
"You could say that..."
"Yeah, sure, count me in. I can swing by as soon as I am done. Peyton and Lorelei are going on an excursion with Cecily and Heaven tomorrow."
"Is it the art museum trip she mentioned this morning?"
"Yes, they do this every summer for the kids who come to the yoga classes," Rebecca said. "Are Liv and Freya going too?"
I nodded. "Cecily thought it would be fun for them."
"So, then we leave as soon as I am done at the studio. And we take a road trip to Fort Lauderdale."
"Thanks for agreeing to this."
"No problem. I know what it's like having bad blood with family. I hope you and your father will be able to resolve your differences..."
We said our goodbyes, then Liv and I continued down the road to my aunt's house. I didn't recognize the car parked behind my aunt's in the driveway. On closer inspection, I saw it was a rental car.
Liv mumbled to me that she was hungry. "We'll have a snack as soon as we've freshened up," I told her. "Grilled cheese sandwiches?"
She shook her head. "Mango...I like mangoes."
"Mangoes it will be, then," I agreed. I managed to open the door. I could hear my aunt in the kitchen talking to someone. I thought perhaps she was on the phone with Eddy. But then I heard a male voice...a voice I recognized. I stopped in my tracks. Liv, so attuned to anything connected with her father, reacted immediately.
"Papa!" she squirmed out of my arms and ran into the kitchen, still singing "Papa" until she found him.
I found the courage to move again. He'd caught Liv in his arms and was giving her a tight hug. I wanted to run to him, to cast myself at him, but I held back. He needed this moment with Liv and she needed it too. My aunt was beaming at their reunion.
"Papa, du er her endelig!" Liv giggled as she planted wet kisses on his cheeks. "Jeg savnede dig!"
"I missed you too, sweetheart," Mads admitted. He cradled Liv's face in one hand and smiled at her. "I missed you so much I couldn't wait any longer to see you."
I set the bag of shells down on the floor and joined them in the kitchen. The air crackled with our mutual longing and tension. We both wanted to banish this distance between us, yet we were afraid of taking the next step. So much had happened.
I tried to smile but it wavered... I felt suddenly shy and uncertain. Mads looked as insecure as I felt. We both smiled but didn't make a move. "Hi..." God, what a stupid way to greet him when we hadn't seen one another in so long. I raised my hand in a wave then let my hand drop to my side.
"Hi...so...I came." He smiled at me over the top of Liv's head. His neck and ears flushed red. They always did when he was nervous.
"Yeah, you did, didn't you?"
We both laughed nervously.
Liv gave us both a quizzical look. "Mommy, aren't you going to hug Papa?" she demanded.
"I will, sweetie," I assured her. "I just wanted you to have a good welcome with Daddy."
She gave him an extra squeeze. "Freya will be happy Papa is here too. Did you bring Bobbi Fox?"
Mads nodded. "I did—she's waiting for you in your room."
"She missed me—didn't she?"
"Of course she did, lille ven. She said she couldn't sleep without you."
"Me neither! But Mommy told me Bobbi Fox adventures!"
"She did? I'll bet they were exciting." Though he was talking to Liv, Mads's eyes were trained on me. The intensity of his gaze made me wish we were alone. Even with everything we needed to work through, the pull to be close to him, to feel his strength and warmth never left me. I wanted so badly to nuzzle into him, feel his razor stubble scrape my cheeks, to feel his hands taking possession of me. But I waited patiently. I had to. As much as I wanted him, my daughter needed this time with her father.
Instead, I turned to my aunt and said, "This is a nice surprise."
"It certainly is," she agreed. But the satisfied expression on her face told me she'd known all along that he was coming. She'd probably spoken to Mads more often than I had to ensure he understood that he needed to come to bring us back together. I should have been annoyed, but I couldn't erase the silly grin from my face.
Mads pressed several kisses to Liv's cheek then finally set her down on the floor. She squealed with delight and ran past him, already longing to be reunited with Bobbi Fox. My aunt followed suit, knowing we needed this time alone.
We both stood there, the distance between us pulsating.
Then he crossed the room and grabbed me and I gasped in his arms. I held him close and didn't let go. Oh God...he was finally here. Even if there was still so much we needed to sort out...he was here, and he was holding me like I was the only woman he'd ever wanted. Being in his arms again, feeling his warmth and the security of him...I was home again. And when I realized he was sobbing, his body trembling against mine, I held him tighter and stroked his neck.
"Don't ever leave me again, Laney...please...not like this again."
I didn't answer, I just held him tighter. There was no one else who mattered more to me than the man in my arms.
* * *
Once Freya woke from her nap and realized her father was with us, she and Liv claimed him as theirs. In a way, this was the best solution. We needed this...they needed his attention, and Mads gave it freely. Even though he looked exhausted from the flight—and I knew how tense he was during long-haul flights—he gave them his undivided attention, cuddling Freya, listening to Liv as she babbled to him about how good it was to have him and Bobbi Fox there. I hovered for a while in the doorway to the girls' room, my arms folded across my chest as I watched him together with our girls. It hurt to think that I'd deprived him of this—no matter how much I'd needed this time, I saw how hard it had been for him. I backed away from the room and retreated to my aunt's garden. Outside, the air was wet and thick and heavy. Soon it would probably rain—another afternoon thunderstorm.
I sank into one of the porch chairs and let out a long sigh. My hands were shaking. I tried yoga breathing to calm down but still it didn't help. I didn't know what to do. He was here; I wanted to be near him, I didn't trust myself near him. It was a relief when Aunt Cecily came out and joined me. She claimed the chair by mine and said, "The girls are over the moon he's here."
"I'm glad. They mi
ssed him."
"You did too, Laney," Cecily took my hand and squeezed it. "It's okay to admit it."
"Did you know he was coming?"
"Eddy told me when he'd booked his ticket."
"She should have told me..."
"Would it have made a difference?" She stroked my hair with her other hand. "My darling, you missed him. You told me you wanted to work through things with him. And now he's here."
Being here with my aunt made me wish my mother were also here. I knew my mother would tell me to work things through with Mads. Even when my father had been at his worst, she tried to talk things out with him in her calm, collected way. She didn't give in to shouting or throwing things—even when she was losing her patience.
My aunt's voice stayed calm as she spoke to me. "Remember the guided meditation you've learned, remember what you've told me during our evening chats. You want your marriage to work. And Mads wants the same thing. So when the girls have finally let go of him, you two need to talk...about anything, about everything."
"I do want my marriage to work..."
"I want that too, Laney." Mads's voice startled me. I turned quickly. He stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets. "I haven't given up on us. I hope you haven't either."
"Mads, are you hungry?" My aunt asked. She let go of my hand and stood. "I'm sure that airline food was appalling."
He grinned at my aunt. "It was pretty disgusting. But I'm spoiled...Laney is such a good cook."
My aunt patted his cheek as she passed him. "I'll go and start dinner. You and Laney need some time together."
So we were alone again, neither of us moved at first. Thunder rumbled in the sky. The air around us charged with electricity...or was it the tension between us, building after these weeks apart?
"There are so many things I want to say to you," he started. "I don't even know where I should begin...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about everything."
Mads took another step towards me. I wanted to say I was sorry as well but the words were stuck in my chest. He swiped his hand over his mouth and glanced away. His jaw tensed.
I wanted to reach out and stroke away that tension. I knew he wouldn't stop me, but I didn't trust myself not to take things further. But...I stood, I went to him and touched him. I had to... He didn't move...though I heard his breath catch in his throat. He wanted this too. His arms came around me and pulled me closer. I leaned my head on his shoulder and breathed in the scent of him. "I don't know what to do, Laney..." he breathed in my ear. "I don't know what I should do to make you trust me again, to believe in me again."
He kissed me then...first pressing a soft kiss on my forehead...my lips parted in anticipation as he tipped my head back, brushed his lips over my cheeks...the tip of my nose and then finally my lips. His breath was hot; I wanted to kiss him forever. I slid my hands under his shirt, anxious to feel his bare skin again. We stood like this, kissing tentatively then letting our kisses grow deeper, more passionate, until a clap of thunder startled us.
"Maybe we should go inside," I ventured. The sky had darkened...the air was so thick with humidity it felt like droplets of rain were already falling. Mads trailed his fingertips along my cheeks, then he dipped in for another kiss. I moaned against his lips, pressed my body closer to his.
"I know we have a lot to talk about," Mads said softly. "But tonight...I just want to lie beside you again. I just want to be near you."
"I want that too." I captured his lips again, savoring the taste of him, how he knew exactly how to hold me, to kiss me back.
"So...tomorrow...we start from scratch?" Fat droplets of rain finally began to fall, pelting the dry soil and the porch railing. Mads shielded me from it, turning us so the rain hit his back. Heat rose from his body, seeping into my clothing, drenching me with his scent. I loved the smell of him, loved how safe it felt to be in his arms.
I nodded. "Tomorrow, we can talk about everything."
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Mads
This Is Love
I woke slowly, absorbing the sounds around me, stretching and trying to gauge what time it actually was. My limbs creaked with each movement—was it the aftermath of a long flight or another sign I was getting older? Maybe both.
"Papa..." I opened my eyes and turned my head toward my daughter. She scrambled onto the bed and lay down beside me. She smelled freshly bathed. Her newly washed curls were still damp. "Mommy's gone for a walk. She said I was to wake you."
"I'm glad you did," I told her. I gave her nose a playful tap. "Where's Freya?"
"Mommy took her for a walk too."
"But you didn't want to go?"
Liv shook her head. "I want to stay with you so you won't be lonely." She patted the top of my head with one hand while she clutched her fox to her with the other hand.
Her skin was so tan now, like an acorn. Her dark, coppery eyes reminded me of Laney's. Laney swore her eyes were simply brown, but I saw the flecks of bronze and copper. And when her face was turned to the sun, her eyes flared amber and mesmerized me. Liv's eyes were the same. She was going to be a heartbreaker when she was older. I had the feeling Laney and I would have lots of headaches in our future thanks to our daughter and the boys whose hearts she'd break. But for now I was glad she was still four years old and the only thing she cared about was her stuffed fox and whether we'd spend the day at the playground.
"Will you sleep all day, Papa?"
"No...I need to get up, I need to take a shower."
"Mommy said you snored last night."
"I don't snore."
"Yes, you do, Papa. You sound like an airplane when you snore." And then she imitated what I apparently sounded like when I snored. She giggled and the sound of it filled me with happiness. Liv thrust Bobbi Fox at me and demanded I kiss her. "Bobbi Fox needs love too. She doesn't have a papa."
I indulged my little girl and kissed her fox. "Papa needs breakfast now. And a shower."
"I can make you breakfast, Papa."
"No, it's okay, lille ven, I'll make breakfast, but you and Bobbi can keep me company. Okay?"
She nodded enthusiastically and scrambled off the bed. "Come on, Papa. No more bed."
I trudged out of bed, grabbed a T-shirt from where I'd tossed it last night. My body still felt thick and heavy from the flight. In the kitchen, Liv was already trying to pull a chair over to the counter. I directed her back over the table and took over fixing breakfast. I settled for making scrambled eggs and toast along with a pot of coffee while Liv entertained me with Bobbi Fox stories. At some point, while I dazed out over my eggs, Cecily arrived from a morning at the studio. She gave my shoulder a warm squeeze and then joined me for a cup of coffee. Liv was still chattering, now doing voices for Bobbi Fox too.
Cecily cocked her eyebrows at Liv's story. "Have you been talking your papa's ears off?"
Liv shook her head. "Papa is listening."
"I always listen," I assured her, but my head felt cottony and my body was craving a few more hours of sleep.
"You look like you could do with a long shower and more R & R." Cecily surmised.
"R & R?"
"Rest and relaxation. That's what the GIs used to call it—R & R."
"Yeah, I could do with that, but a little bird thought it was time for me to wake up."
"It was time, Papa." Liv pouted at me. "You sleep all day. Then you keep Mommy up all night. Mommy needs sleep too."
I think I must have blushed. My skin felt hot and Cecily was covering her mouth, trying not to laugh.
"You think I keep Mommy awake?"
Liv nodded. "You do, Papa. I hear her. You talk a lot, and you make funny noises."
I couldn't hold it in anymore. Neither could Cecily. We both broke down laughing while Liv gave us concerned looks. She slid out of her chair and announced that she and Bobbi Fox were going to play in the garden.
"That daughter of yours is a mess, Mads Rasmussen." Cecily was still trying to contain her laughter. "Well, at least she knows her father k
eeps her mother entertained."
"I didn't think they could hear us... I thought we were pretty quiet."
"Hmm...no, well. You're not but you try." Cecily mused. "You were quiet last night, but I remember when I was in Copenhagen for your wedding and I spent the night in your guest room. Well, I know you make Laney happy..." She laughed again.
"I try. Lately I failed at it, but I want to change that." I went over to the door to the garden to check on Liv. She was sitting on the porch steps, talking to Bobbi Fox.
Cecily came over and stood beside me. She touched my shoulder again. "Now that you're here, you and Laney can begin working together on what you want."
"Liv said she went for a walk?"
"She goes every morning. She meditates while she walks. It does her a world of good." Cecily stepped out on the back porch, then turned and added, "Maybe you should join her tomorrow."
"I don't want to intrude on it, though, if it's something she needs for herself."
"Mads, maybe you both need it," Cecily countered. "You've both avoided talking about the problems you've had. And when she's walking on the beach, she's thinking through what she wants and what has gone wrong and how to fix it."
I let Cecily's words sink in while I watched Liv stretch out her hand to catch a butterfly. She sat very still, her fingers barely twitching. It didn't take long before a monarch butterfly landed on her index finger. I held my breath, wondering how long it would rest there or if Liv's contained excitement would scare it away. She sensed this was a special moment. She didn't giggle, didn't call out for me or try to capture the butterfly. Instead she bent forward a bit and peered at the butterfly's wings.
"You need to treasure my niece, Mads. You need to hold her dear."
"I do, Cecily. Trust me, I do."
"She gave you two very sweet little girls...she gave you the family you said you always wanted. That's proof of her love for you. You treasure her, and you and I will be fine."
I'd showered and dressed by the time Laney came home from her walk. Liv and I were in the garden, searching for more butterflies. She was convinced there were millions of them in the bushes, though we'd only seen one so far.