by Kim Golden
Laney latched the gate behind her and then pushed the stroller up the path towards us. She'd swept her hair into a messy bun, showing off the lovely curve of her neck. Her skin glistened there. If I held her, she'd smell of sunlight, heat and something more—something that I always connected with her. Freya was strapped in the stroller, the brim of her cotton sunhat drooping over her face. She must have fallen asleep on the way home.
"It's so hot today," Laney said and swiped beads of perspiration from her neck. "I think I need another shower."
"I may have to help you, then..." I said with a grin. A smile flickered over her lips. She lowered her eyes and then looked up at me through the veil of her lashes.
"Mads...the kids..."
"Freya can't understand everything we say and Liv's too busy looking for butterfly nests." We were speaking English together, the language we'd fallen in love in. Sometimes we behaved as though it was our secret language since Liv didn't always understand when we spoke took quickly, but her English was so good now that we couldn't depend on it as our code for much longer.
"Is Cecily still here?"
"She's still inside. She was waiting for you so she could take the girls on an excursion?" At least, that's what I thought Cecily had told me. Jet lag still fogged my brain. I just knew I wanted some time with Laney.
Once we were alone, I had to remind myself that we couldn't ignore the problems that had led to Laney leaving me. It was too easy to push it aside, to coax her into kissing me or to slide one hand along her side and enjoy the sensation of our bodies coming together. So we sat on the porch swing and tried to address some of our issues. Laney hugged her knees to her chest. She watched me from under her fringe. I reached out my hand, brushed her hair away from her eyes. I wanted to see them, didn't want her to hide behind her hair.
"Did you sleep with her?" Somehow I'd known she would ask this first. She spoke so softly I nearly missed it. "I know I shouldn't care. I should just want us to move forward...but I need to know."
My hand trailed down her neck. I needed to feel her, even if it was simply a fleeting touch. "I never slept with her, Laney. I didn't want her...not like that."
"But you were attracted to her, weren't you?"
"I don't know...yes, I was. I thought she was sexy."
"I knew it..." She let out a long sigh. "I saw how you looked at her. "
We sat there...the specter of Benny between us.
"She kissed me."
"I know she did. I saw the evidence..."
"No, she kissed me again...she thought I wanted it, but I didn't. And I told her. I told her I wasn't interested in her.” Laney’s shoulders tensed, but I didn’t let go. I needed her to know that she was the only one I wanted in my life—no matter how stupid and thoughtless I’d been.“I think I just liked that she was paying attention to me. It sounds stupid. I kept telling myself her flirting was harmless, that she wasn’t interested in me like that. And then it felt like you were pulling away.”
"She kissed you..."
"I don't want her though. I never did. I'm here with you because you're who I want, Laney."
Laney drew back but I caught her hand before she could move too far away.
"I want to be honest with you, Laney. I don't want us to have any secrets. I'm telling you this because I know we drifted apart, but the thing is...I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be with anyone else. Just you."
"So what do we do now?"
"Laney, you can't tell me you were never attracted to anyone else. Even while we've been together. You never looked at another man and wondered?"
"I don't know, Mads. Honestly? I've been so busy with Liv and Freya—"
"Don't use the kids as a buffer. Let's just be honest."
"I don't know. I probably looked at some guy and thought he was good-looking...but I never acted on it."
"Neither did I."
"You flirted with her, and she was flirting with you. You forgot about me because of her."
Neither of us spoke for a while. Laney pressed her lips together. What was she thinking? I hoped she wasn't imagining the worst. I wanted to reassure her, but nothing seemed right.
"One night, I heard you on the phone, laughing…" I could still remember that night. I'd fallen asleep while reading to Liv and woken up from Laney's laughter. "I don't know who you were talking to that night. Maybe it was Jesper. Maybe it was Ingrid or Niklas. But you sounded the way you used to…and when you hung up, all that light and sparkle was gone. And I knew it was my fault."
"I thought you’d stopped loving me… We were barely sleeping together, it felt like you were avoiding being with me." Her words came out in small bursts. She kept her eyes cast down, but the uncertainty in her voice came through. "I thought you'd realized this wasn't the life you wanted. Like maybe all of this between us happened too fast and now finally the reality was setting
in—"
"No, this is the life I want." I pulled her closer. I needed her near me.
"All the arguments…all those nights when you barely touched me…sometimes days went by without us even really speaking to one another."
"Laney...last night...did it feel like I wanted anyone else?"
She shook her head. "It was the same for me. Sometimes I wonder how it is that I love you so much that no one else matters."
"There is no one else for me, Laney. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else."
Of course my phone rang. Of course it was Anton. Laney glanced at my phone display. "You should probably answer it. It could be an emergency."
"It can wait."
"Mads, go ahead. Answer. It's okay."
When I answered, she pushed off the porch swing and then walked down the porch steps. As she crossed the yard, I watched the sway of her hips. She glanced over her shoulder at me. There was a double sun lounger in the shade of the tree at the back of the garden. She settled there, easing her feet out of her flip-flops. And I watched...not paying very much attention to Anton as I took in how truly lovely my wife was.
"Sorry about that...it was Anton, he just wanted to tell me how the forum was going." I pressed the power button on my phone and turned it off. "Off now."
"It's okay. I can't expect you to completely forget about your business."
I joined her on the sun lounger now. Laney shaded her eyes with her hand. "I have to go soon," she said.
"Where? I thought we had all day..."
"I'm actually going to see my dad...I don't know if it's worth it, but I thought I should try."
This was big. After everything he'd put her through, she'd sworn she never wanted him in her life again. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"No, you're probably still exhausted. And I already asked Rebecca to go with me."
"Who's Rebecca?"
"She's a new friend." And then she told me about Rebecca while I tried to distract her with caresses. I couldn't help it. After weeks of not being near her, I needed the reassurance that she was still with me, that she wouldn't simply slip away and vanish from my life completely. "She's helped me a lot since I've been here. She's got two daughters and she's been raising them on her own..."
"Sounds like you look up to her." I was glad she'd opened up and let a new friend in. Our small circle of friends in Copenhagen sometimes felt claustrophobic. We rarely let new people into our bubble. Laney had often said she didn't need new girlfriends when she had Eddy and Ingrid, and I had the guys from the workshop and Henrik. Adam too, though we didn't see each other as often as before. But Laney had needed someone else even without knowing it. And when she opened up and shared Rebecca's story with me, I understood why.
"She's strong...and I love how easy she is with her daughters, even when they're driving her insane." She turned on her side so we could face one another. "Watching how she is with her girls made me realize how I was taking a lot of things too seriously. She told me I should calm down, just accept that I can't do or control everything. "
"We'd
go crazy if we tried."
"You don't try to control everything...I should have realized that. You have that same easiness with Liv and Freya. And all this time, I was angry at you because I thought you were just leaving all of the hard stuff to me—"
"I haven't been a good husband. I should have been better at seeing you needed my help, that I was letting you take on too much of the responsibility for our lives." It still bothered me that I'd been so blind to her needs. It didn't matter that I'd thought I was doing the right thing by trying to be successful. "I thought if I could just sell more of my designs...I could give you what you used to have."
"What do you mean?"
"When you were with Niklas—"
"Mads, I don't want what I had with Niklas. If I'd wanted that, I would have stayed with him. I have what I want with you."
"But you never had to worry about the bills being paid, you never had to think twice about if there was enough money for a vacation or to treat yourself to something you wanted. The cleaning service… And I haven't been able to give you and the girls that sort of security."
"Mads, are you crazy?" She grinned at me. "You have given me a home, a family...that's what I always wanted. The expensive vacations? I don't give a shit about that. I love the life we have together. I don't want my husband to disappear into this 'get rich or die trying' mania just because you think I miss having Niklas's money."
"I just want us to have a good life."
"We do have a good life. And it will be better when you stop working so hard and spend more time with us." She stroked my chest through my T-shirt. Her fingertips sent shivers through me. "And we have Liv and Freya...and I want them to have their father...they love being around you, and when you're not there... they ask for you all the time. I can't give them everything. They need you too."
"I just didn't want us to...want for anything. I wanted to show you I could provide for us."
"You already do. You don't have to compete with what you think I miss." She pulled me to her and kissed me gently. "I don't miss my life with Niklas. All I want is you. That's it. Just you."
For a little while, we got a bit lost in one another. I didn't want to let go of her. She didn't want me to. It reminded me of when we first met—how sometimes we could be so focused on one another that the world around us didn't exist. A look could say so much, a touch could lead to a thousand more, a kiss could ignite something akin to wildfire. I think we could have pushed things further...but then Rebecca arrived.
She cleared her throat and said, "Sorry to interrupt."
We sprang apart like guilty teenagers. Laney laughed and adjusted her top. I tried to shield the evidence that I wanted my wife far too much.
"I could come back later," she grinned at us. "I mean, I'm guessing this is Mads, so you probably have a lot to...talk about."
Laney laughed. "We'll pick up where we left off later..."
We most definitely would.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Laney
Fathers & Daughters
"Wow! So that was the infamous Mads," Rebecca joked as we drove along the A1A. She tapped her thumbs on the steering wheel. "Why am I not surprised that he's gorgeous? Are all the Danes that good-looking?"
"Some are," I said with a shrug. Having him here still felt so unreal. Even this morning, after waking up beside him, a little shiver went through me—he was here, he still wanted our marriage to work, he'd put me and the kids before his projects and his pursuit of success. I'd lain there watching him sleep, daring every now and then to skim my fingertips over his shorn hair, his strong jaw. He was here. And he still loved me. "I'd introduce you to his cousin, but he's in love with Eddy."
"See? All the good ones are taken. Story of my life." Becks winked at me. "When did he arrive?"
"Yesterday...I think Cecily knew he was coming. She didn't seem at all surprised to see him."
"Ah, she knew then." Becks shook her head and let out a little laugh. "She said something about having a surprise visitor, but I thought she meant Eddy was coming. How does it feel now? Having him here?"
"Honestly? Weird...but good. I missed him, I didn't want to consider that this separation might be permanent. I guess I was hoping he'd come." I fidgeted with the radio until Becks slapped my hand away.
"My car, my radio stations," she teased, then she pressed the tuner button a few times until we settled on a Top 40 radio station. "But if Justin Bieber comes on, please turn the station ASAP...or my head might explode."
We were in luck: Beyoncé's latest single filled the car, saving us—at least for a while—from the horrors of Justin Bieber. As we drove, my thoughts drifted to our destination and why we were going there. Mads's arrival had distracted me enough from even thinking about what I would say to my father. I'd called him yesterday, before Mads's arrival, and told him I thought we needed to clear the air. I'd hoped he would sound at least pleased that I was taking this step, but he'd let out what sounded like a resigned sigh and said, "Come by after lunch. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning." It wasn't the most encouraging or inspiring prelude to any sort of reunion.
"Are you nervous?" Becks adjusted her sunglasses. I reached for mine from the dashboard.
"I don't know what to expect." I admitted. "I don't know if this will lead to anything. I'm not even sure I want him in my daughters' lives..."
I filled Becks in on how my father had treated my mother. Just talking about it still left me hollow. I hoped my daughters would never have to live through anything like it. And I wanted to give my father the benefit of the doubt. If Mads's father could change, then I hoped Lionel could also change. Benjamin was so good with the girls—he'd been so reticent at first, but from the moment he laid eyes on Liv and held her for the first time, he'd begun making an effort to repair his fractured relationship with Mads. Though they were still careful with one another, Benjamin and Mads at least had the sort of father-son relationship where they spoke to one another and sometimes met for coffee. I was probably closer to Benjamin than Mads. I called him often and arranged visits so he and the girls could spend time together. I'd told Benjamin from the start that we wanted him to know his grandchildren, but not if he put drinking above them. And he began changing his ways. When he was with us, he drank alcohol-free beer, juice or seltzer water. When he was in the city, he stopped by and spent time with Liv and Freya. I wanted to give Lionel the same opportunity, even if a tiny part of me was certain he'd squander it.
My father lived in one of those gated communities you always read about or see on TV. We had to sign in at the gate and then follow a curving lane that took us past tidy brick houses that all looked identical. The only thing that differentiated any of the houses was the type of flag hanging from the wall-mounted flag posts. My father had told me to look for the house with the Philadelphia Eagles flag. It wasn't hard to find—all the other houses had flags of smiling suns, bumblebees and happy flowers. But my father—in the midst of Miami Dolphin territory—dared to wave an Eagles flag. It was pretty badass of him; it even made me smile. He'd always been adamant that he would always be an Eagles fan—he'd even cheered for them during the low points. Well, at least he was loyal to something.
We parked outside his house. His car was in the driveway, so we knew he was home. I hesitated getting out of the car, though.
"Hon, do you want me to go in with you?" Rebecca touched my shoulder. I was still staring at the front door of my father's house.
I shook my head. "I need to do this on my own." I pushed open the door. "Will you come back for me in an hour?"
"Yeah, we're not far from Las Olas, so I'll head to a Starbucks or something. Just text me when you you're ready."
As I walked up the path to his house, Becks pulled off and honked at me. I approached the door and pressed the doorbell.
It didn't take long for my father to answer. He looked much the same as when I last saw him. In four years, he hadn't changed very much. His hair was a bit sparser and greyer. But he still wore th
e same somber expression and he still carried himself like he thought everyone was a potential enemy.
He didn't greet me with hello or even look like he wanted to hug me. He stepped aside and said, "You may as well come in. I don't want my neighbors getting in my business."
I bristled but walked past him and into the house. Stay calm, Laney, I reminded myself. He's always been this way. I waited for him to make the next move. I wasn't really sure what to do or say. I glanced around and took in the surroundings. His living room was neat though sparse. The walls had been painted a pale shade of beige, which reminded me of the house I'd grown up in. Even then he'd hated having much color on the walls.
"This is a nice place you have..." I nearly said 'Dad' but the word refused to come forward.
He didn't answer or help me make any sort of segue into a near-normal conversation. He didn't even offer me a seat, so I followed his lead. When he sat in an armchair close to the window, I moved over to the sofa and sat as well.
"I thought that, since I was visiting Aunt Cecily, I'd come by...and we could talk."
"I don't want to get into it about your mother again. I'm tired of talking about her. I get enough of that from Cecily."
"What if I think I still need to know why you left me? And why you left my mother? You never explained yourself." Well, this was off to a smashing start. I'd hoped we could ease into this but we were speeding into what was probably going to be a disappointing afternoon.
"Is that what you came here for? To make me feel bad because I chose starting over instead of you?"
His words slammed into me. I flinched but I didn't want to back down. I needed to know before I could ever let him have any sort of bond with Liv and Freya.
"I came because I wanted to find out if you were interested in seeing your granddaughters." I measured out my words, tried to keep a calm facade. "But now I'm not so sure. If you could abandon me, you'll probably just hurt and disappoint them in the end."