Emerge

by Lila Felix

  They gave me a quick and cold ‘Congratulations’ and left abruptly. I don’t understand why they even bothered.

  I unzipped my gown and didn’t even bother to find my cap. It was over, and thought most teenagers were ready to drag it out as long as possible; I was ready to get it done and get on with my life.

  Natalie, Carlos’ friend, brought me back to our apartment after graduation and I went straight to sleep. The next day was a Sunday and I didn’t have anything to do other than pack my bag to go to Louisiana the next day. Carlos took the day off and I let him sleep until noon. We went to see a movie and went to eat but the silence that hung in the air was awful. We finally went back to the apartment and spent the rest of the day just holding on to each other. I was hiding my plan from him and my stomach was twisted in knots about it.

  He didn’t know it and I was probably really, really wrong to hide it from him. But this was the last time I would be in this apartment. This is the last time we would have this time here together. This was the place he had dubbed as our home. This was where we shared moments that anchored me to him.

  The next day, I got my stuff packed and made my way towards the door for the last time. He was holding my bag in front of me.

  I stopped walking and he turned around.

  “What?” he said, the constriction in his voice was because he thought I was going to be gone for a week.

  “I’m gonna miss you like I’ve never missed anything before.” I said it as I looked at the floor.

  He was against me in two strides. The meeting of our bodies and mouths was raw and rough and nearly on the brink of violence. He pressed me against the wall of the hallway by the front door and showed me how much he was going to miss me. His mouth left my lip and found my neck, the base of my throat and went a few inches lower than it ever had before. Tears ran the length of my face as he gave me his goodbye. His kiss retreated back to my lips and I thought I might never get enough of his body against mine. As if a switch had clicked in his head, he began his back down of what threatened to go too far.

  Our mouths stayed touching, but not kissing, just breathing.

  “Come back to me, Jenna. Come back and let me make you my wife.”

  “I love you so much. I would give anything to be your wife.”

  I wanted it. I wanted to be his wife and with him for the rest of my life and come hell or high water I was going to make it happen. But it was the ‘come back’ part that would never be.

  Chapter 22

  The LAX airport always made me feel like I was going to have a panic attack. Why they don’t let people like me travel inside of their suitcase, I will never know.

  The sight of it from the freeway, where you could see all of the planes and people coming and going, made it look like ants erupting from an ant hill.

  Carlos had dropped me off at my Mom’s house as she had my ticket and then they offered to bring me to the airport, which was weird, but Carlos had to go to work anyway. He had been taking a lot of time off because of me and couldn’t miss any more. He had a hard time leaving the curb and I saw the beginnings of tears more than once. Why she wanted to drive me, I’ll never know, but it was easier this way.

  My Mom dropped me off at the curb. She had been pissed ever since I got back after prom night and had made an awful riot about my ring, but I didn’t pay her any attention. I think she knew that she had lost, but that didn’t mean she would stop trying. I had never tried to talk to them about everything they had done to me and how the scars felt like they would never heal. But one day, I was determined to make it known.

  I tried to say goodbye to them and they didn’t budge. Mom just gave me a half wave. I leaned over to May to kiss her and she looked out the window and refused to speak to me. She had gone to the dark side. After everything, I just had to let her go.

  I got out and got my bag and went into the airport. I had flown home a couple of times, but this time was the last time.

  I checked in and waited the excruciating time through the line to step into the security and the body scanner then I was on my way.

  I waited until my seat was called and stepped into the plane. I hated the smell of planes. It smells like someone took regular air and pumped it through ‘plastic smell’ scented air freshener box and then pumped it back into the plane. I went through all the motions of seat belts and watching the flight attendant do her ‘vogue’ impression and let the plane take me away.

  Before I knew it, I was in Memphis, catching my connection flight into Baton Rouge. I was riding on the moving walkway and I took a look out of the front of the airport and stared.

  I could walk out of here right now. I could walk out and they would never know where I was. They wouldn’t be able to find me if they tried. I could call Carlos and he could meet me here and we could start a life.

  But again, it just didn’t feel right.

  I went to my next gate and while I waited I called him.

  It barely even rang one time before he answered.

  “I miss you already,” he said.

  I giggled. “You have no idea.”

  I told him about my thoughts of walking out of the airport and though I thought he would be upset, he understood. He said he had been thinking about us moving somewhere else, away from everyone. He had also been trying to find another job, a better one where he didn’t work nights. I didn’t even know about that, probably too wrapped up in my own garbage.

  I got off of the phone after hearing that they were boarding the plane to Baton Rouge. He made me promise to call him when I got there.

  I got into Baton Rouge about 9:15 that night. It was two hours ahead of California, so I knew that Carlos was at work, but tried anyway.

  “You made it?”

  “Yeah, are you at work?” I didn’t want him to get in trouble.

  “Yeah, I gotta go, but I’m ok now that I know you’re safe. I love you.”

  “I love you. I’ll call tomorrow.” And I hung up.

  My Dad, Step-Mom and Sophia were waiting for me as I came out of the gate exit. My Dad was a huge burly man who wore overalls. He stood about 6 foot 3 and towered over me and everyone else. My Step-Mom, I called her by her name, Marie, had strawberry blonde hair and was always cheery and kind.

  Sophia was a doll. She had blonde hair like May’s but it was finer and had more curl. It was on the top of her head like a fountain of blonde was cascading down to her scalp.

  It was always awkward at first seeing them because I only got to see them once a year or so, but they had never been anything but nice to me.

  My Dad knew about my mom, but never the full extent of her wrath. That would have to be remedied to make sure he knew how desperate I was.

  We went back to their house and the next morning, I would begin.

  The next morning I knew I was back in the South by the smell of biscuits and bacon. I fumbled out into the hallway and was told to sit down and eat.

  They started asking me questions about school and future plans and I saw my window.

  I didn’t hold anything back. I told them about Mom and about my Step-Dad. I told them about May and I mostly told them about Carlos. I laid it all out like the twisted tale that it was and sat back and let it stew.

  My Dad was the big silent type but you knew that when he opened his mouth to say something it was best if you opened your ears and listened well.

  “I’m not even going to ask you why you never told us any of this. I know that you’ve always been kinda scared of your mother, but honestly I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought a girl being with her mother was the best thing for you. I didn’t know anything about taking care of a girl.” He paused. “How serious is it with this boy?”

  Marie thumped him and he corrected himself.

  “Ok, man, I meant man.”

  I giggled at my big old Dad struggling with the fact that I was older and had to refer to my boyfriend as a man. I scooted my chair out and ran to get my engagement ring which I
had stashed in my wallet on the plane. I didn’t want to alarm them too much before I could tell the story.

  I walked out and put my ring clad hand on the table.

  Marie looked up and smiled and said, “Well, there you go.”

  Marie was a God-send and when my Dad went to work the next day, she stayed home with me and got the real story, the long version. She cried and laughed with me and asked me questions and was really interested and it seemed like she cared.

  She got angry when she learned of things that I really hadn’t paid attention to when I was growing up. Things like: I had never been to the dentist, ever. I had never been to a doctor since I was 16 and had a bleeding ulcer, which was courtesy of stress. Imagine that. I had never been allowed to get a driver’s license because we would never have been able to afford another car and Mom was afraid I would do the kind of running around that she did when she was a teenager. I didn’t even know nor have access to my social security number.

  She patted my leg and smiled and looked at Sophie, who was watching the Lion King.

  “I need to ask you a personal question Jenna, now don’t get upset, ok?”

  I had no clue what was coming next.

  “Ok.”

  “Are you being safe?”

  “Am I being safe doing wha….OH! Yeah, I am being safe by not doing anything unsafe.”

  “Ok, I get that. But we have to be prepared for things to get unsafe, yeah?”

  “Just talk straight, ok?” I begged.

  She giggled, “Ok, have you been to the gynecologist?”

  “Ok, ok, never mind, can we go back to the jumbled talk?”

  She laughed more and got up from the couch.

  “Ok, I’m taking that as a ‘no’ and making you an appointment for this week. They can put you on some birth control…just in case.”

  I looked at Sophie who was playing with magnet letters while she sang ‘Circle of Life’ and said,

  “Don’t grow up Sophie, it’s humiliating.”

  My Mom called my Dad’s house that night and asked when I was coming to see her. She must have been in front of people because she was using that fake sweet voice.

  I told her I didn’t know when I was coming over. Dad and Marie had planned tons of stuff for us to do. She threatened me in a whisper over the phone, but I just hung up on her. I was done.

  The rest of the week Marie made me go to the dentist, ugh, and the ‘girl doctor’, that’s what we decided to call it.

  Every day I called Carlos and I almost died from embarrassment when I told him about the ‘girl doctor’ part. He laughed and said, “That’s probably smart Jenna.” I changed the subject quickly, but not smoothly and he found that hilarious.

  I missed him like I had lost one of my appendages.

  I saw my Mom twice that week and made the visits under an hour. Marie drove me and when I called her she came and picked me up. After the second time she growled in fake anger, “We really need to get you a driver’s license. This is the pits.”

  I wanted to talk to Dad and Marie so badly about my plans, but didn’t know how to broach the subject.

  The week had gone by fast and on that Sunday afternoon over dinner, I had planned to dive in head first. But then Marie very obviously kicked my Dad under the table and he put his fork down and started a discussion that would change my life.

  “Jenna, Marie has been telling me what you two have been talking about all week. And we have been talking about how to help you and honestly, the way things stand I don’t know how I can help you at all.”

  My resolve was broken and I sat at the table trying not to and failing at bawling my eyes out.

  “Jenna, let me finish, ok?”

  I nodded and he continued.

  “Marie and I can’t help you way over there in California. Your Mom, I think, no matter what you do, will always be over you terrorizing you. She has been making threatening calls and writing horrible letters to us for years.”

  My eyes bugged out of my head. She had left my Dad over ten years ago for my Step-Dad. Why would she do that?

  “That being said, we want you to stay here. I know you have to think about it and I know that you probably have to talk to Carlos and that’s fine. We will help you get settled here. You can get your driver’s license, get a job or go to school or both, but the point is that you could be free to do what you want to here. And as long as you are doing something productive, we will help you.”

  Marie was holding my hand now and then it was her turn to talk.

  “Jenna, think it over. And I know that you told me this week that it’s hard for you to confront your mother. I know that’s gotten easier for you lately but I have a plan if you want to stay here.”

  “What?” She had a devilish look about her and I needed to know the plan.

  “Ok, all of you are supposed to get on a plane tomorrow right?”

  “Right….” I dragged out the word trying to get her to tell me the rest.

  “Easy. You are an adult. Don’t get on the plane.”

  “She’ll have a fit!” I gasped and laughed at the same time.

  “Your Dad will stay home to intercept the phone calls and you’re back in Louisiana, so if they try to come here, well, your Dad has a shot gun.”

  “I want to. Thank you and I want to stay….but…”

  She read my mind.

  “There’s only one way to find out Jenna. Now go make the call.”

  I sat on my bed in my Dad’s house for the longest time thinking of all the things I needed to say to Carlos and all the millions of ways he could break my heart in return. My brain and my heart were battling and my brain was winning. Tears were pumping out of my eyes faster than I could keep up.

  I had tried to work so many plans in my head and none of them ever seemed right. They always felt wrong or like I was straying from the right path. This felt right. This was our shot to be together.

  My dinner rolled the ‘death roll’ in my stomach and I ran to the bathroom and puked everything I had eaten.

  I rinsed my mouth out and I went back to sitting on the bed trying to console myself.

  My heart made one last, hopeful attempt to save me from myself.

  I got a moment of calm and picked up the phone.

  It rang and rang what seemed like an hour.

  “Hello?” His voice calmed me, even if it may be the last time.

  “Hey, I need to talk to you.” I wasn’t going to waste any time.

  “Are you crying? What’s wrong?” He was worried, he always was.

  “I…I have something to tell you and I don’t know what you’re going to say.”

  “Tell me, J. You can tell me anything. You’re kinda scaring me.”

  “My Dad thinks I should stay here, to get away from my Mom, for us to get away from my Mom. Dad and Marie said they would help me, and us, get jobs and me a driver’s license and a place to live…”

  He started spouting off questions.

  “What does that mean? When? Are you staying there, or you’re coming back and then leaving again?” I didn’t recognize this tone. Was it aggravation or anxiousness?

  “He thinks I should just not get on the plane tomorrow. He thinks it’s the best way, a clean break.”

  I could hear him let out a breath and then nothing.

  The silence was killing me. I could hear him shuffling around and then I could hear him pull out a chair. I could hear that telltale shoe tapping on the floor while I imagined his knee bobbing. It was our first phone conversation replayed again. And I felt like I did on that call. I was nervous and my stomach wanted to empty itself again.

  This is it. I’ve ruined it. This is the end.

  I started backtracking and making contingency plans. I would go back. I couldn’t lose him. I could deal with my Mom as long as we were together. I could endure a lifetime of her terrorizing me if I had him to soothe me.

  He cleared his throat and I was brought out of my emotional self-mutilat
ion and planning in an instant.

  “Jenna?”

  “Yeah?” My voice broke as I said it.

  Those few seconds of waiting were like watching sand siphon through an hourglass one grain at a time. The pain of waiting was almost too much to bear, until I heard his voice.

  “I’m on my way.”

  Epilogue

  I lay in the hospital bed and I was sore and exhausted. I closed my eyes for a split second when the door opened. He had the happiest smile and it was reserved for these moments. This was our third ‘moment’ but I knew that smile well.

  He approached my bed and kissed me gently and moved some of my hair out of my face. I didn’t have the energy.

  “Jenna, she’s gorgeous.”

  “I know. And she’s loud.”

  “Yeah, she is.” He laughed.

  He was pacing the room, waiting and anxious.

  The door opened again and a nurse poked her head into the door.

  “Are you ready for her?” She looked like she was ready for me to have her.

  “Of course.” I sat up slowly.

  She rolled in a see-through bassinette on top of a rolling cart. Those things are so weird.

  The nurse left and Carlos reached in and took out our latest creation.

  She was perfect and she was already sucking her thumb, but it didn’t seem to be doing the job for her.

  I got ready and put her to my chest to give her what she needed.

  He sat next to me on the bed and we sat there in total joy and I reflected back on our lives.

  We had come so far. We had been married for six years. We got married shortly after he arrived at my Dad’s house. We had bought a house and were happy. Marriage took work, but it was not so bad after everything that we had already been through.

  We had figured out some things along the way. We found out that those special cards and checks that May referred to were really credit cards that had been taken out in my name. There were also numerous other lines of credit and loans taken out in my name as well. We had spent years paying it all off.

  I went to school, but never finished as our firstborn, a son, was only 2 pounds at birth and spent a good deal of time in the hospital and I stayed with him. By the time I wanted to go back I was pregnant with our second baby, a daughter who was a preemie too. Carlos went to school and finished.