I'm Still Wifey

by Swinson, Kiki

  “This is Kira,” she said like she was all happy and shit. But I rained on her muthafucking parade real quick.

  “What’s good, Wifey?”

  “Who is this?” she asked sounding all stupid, stuttering and shit. So, I played right along with her and said, “It’s your darling sweet husband.”

  “Whatchu’ want?” Her tone changed like she had a bad taste in her mouth.

  “Well for starters, I wanna know why you keep sending my letters back to the jail?”

  “Because I don’t have time for your lies. That’s why.”

  “Look, never mind that. I need you to come down to the jail, so we can talk.”

  “About what?”

  “Well, because I’m gon’ need you to get in touch with Papi.”

  “For what?”

  “Because I need to get a job done.”

  “Well, I’m telling you right now that I’m not about to get into none of that shit you and Papi got going on.”

  “Nah, Kira. It ain’t even like that. That’s why I need you to come down here, so I can tell you what’s going on.”

  “Why you can’t tell me now?”

  “Because I got a whole bunch of niggas looking in my muthafucking mouth.”

  “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “Come on now, Kira, this shit is important.”

  “Okay, and I believe you. But I am not coming down to that jail.”

  “Oh, so it’s like that?”

  “Yes. It’s just like that. So, don’t act like you don’t know what time it is.”

  “Look Kira, I didn’t call to argue with you.”

  “Well, good. Because I’ve got clients waiting on me.”

  “Okay. But can you hold up a minute?”

  “What is it, Ricky?”

  “Tell me what happen between you and Frances?”

  “Why you want to hear it from me? I mean, I know she done already told you what happened.”

  “Yeah. She told me. So I just wanna know, is it true that you went down to the FBI building to talk to them crackers like right before they picked me up?”

  “Hell nah! That shit ain’t true! You know I wouldn’t do no grimy shit like that.”

  “Okay. But why is that chick Freda saying that she saw you?”

  “Look, that’s something you need to ask her.”

  “Nah. But I’m asking you.”

  “And I’m the wrong person to answer that question.”

  “So, what are you saying?” I asked her because she was beginning to piss me the fuck off.

  “Ricky, all I’m going to say about that is you’re going to believe what you wanna believe. But I ain’t been down to no FBI Building. So your informant got me mixed up with somebody else.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter.”

  “Whatchu mean it doesn’t matter?”

  “Well, because I’m gon’ get my lawyer to check it out for me.”

  “Oh, so you saying you don’t believe me?”

  “I ain’t saying that...”

  “Look, don’t play games with me,” she cut me off, “Because that’s exactly what you’re saying. So just know that I don’t give a fuck what you do. Because you can’t do shit to me. Not no more. And I mean that! All them days of you fucking around on me with dirty bitches and bringing three different kids home to me with their trifling ass baby mama’s is over.”

  “Bitch! If anybody’s trifling, it’s your ass!” Frances yelled out.

  “Now Ricky, I know goodness well you ain’t get that skank ass hoe to call me on three-way.”

  “Bitch, you’re the skank!”

  “You know what, Ricky? Talk to your project ass baby-mama, ’cause I ain’t got time for this shit!” Kira told me and then she hung up. And right before I got ready to blast Frances ass for opening up her fucking mouth, the time on my call ran out. So I called her back. And as soon as my call went through, I lit her stupid ass up.

  “Now why the fuck did you open your fucking mouth? Didn’t I tell you to be quiet?”

  “Yeah. But she started talking shit about me.”

  “Who the fuck cares! I had some real important shit to tell her. So all you had to do was just be quiet until after I said what I had to say. I mean, come on, dawg! I’m in a real fuckedup situation right now, and only her dumb ass can help me get out of it. So the next time you hear that bitch say something about you while you got me on your three-way, don’t say nothing. Just go on up to the shop and beat her ass again. That’s all.”

  “But...,” she started to explain but I cut her off and said, “But nothing, Frances. Don’t do that shit again. A’ight?”

  She sucked her teeth and said, “A’ight.”

  After that was settled, I flipped the script on her ass and acted like nothing happened. “Whatcha wearing?” I started off saying.

  “Whatcha mean?” she asked me.

  “I mean, whatcha got on?”

  “Oh, nothing but a light blue tube top and a blue and white tennis skirt.”

  “What kind of panties you wearing?”

  “Come on, Ricky. You know I don’t wear nothing but thongs.”

  “Damn! I bet that ass still look phat to death.”

  “You know it,” she commented in a bragging way.

  “Won’tcha come on down here, so I can see it.”

  “Now you know I ain’t trying to run into Kira.”

  “That bitch ain’t coming down here!”

  “Well, when are your visiting days?”

  “We got ’em today and Saturday.”

  “What time?”

  “From eleven to nine.”

  “A’ight, then. I’ma come.”

  “What time?”

  “I’ll be down there by seven.”

  “Good. ’Cause I wanna see your ass in that thong so I can beat my dick.”

  Frances laughed at me and said, “Ricky, them people gon’ put my ass out of that visiting room if I try to pull my skirt up and show you my ass.”

  “They ain’t gon’ see it if you get the spot at the end by the wall. Shit, niggas in here get their girls to do that shit all the time.”

  “Well, I guess I’m gonna have to show you these titties too since you ain’t seen them in a long time.”

  “Yeah, that sounds good,” I replied.

  That’s the type of action I need right now since it’s been a minute since I got me some pussy. So before we got disconnected, I grilled her about two more times so she wouldn’t forget about getting that spot. I told her that if somebody else beat her to it, then she might as well carry her ass home ’cause I ain’t gon’ be in the mood to talk. I wanna see some ass. And that’s it!

  A Few Minutes Later

  “That was Ricky, wasn’t it?” Rhonda asked me right after following me out the back door of the shop.

  “Yep,” I said, as if I was utterly disgusted.

  “So, what did he say?” she asked.

  And since I didn’t feel like going through the whole spill about the shit with me supposedly snitching on Ricky, I told her, “Nothing. But he wants me to come down to the jail to see him.”

  “Well, what did he say to you to make you cuss him out like you did?”

  “Girl, that muthafucka’ had a nerve to flip out on me like I’m supposed to be down for him or something.”

  “Now, I know you lying!” Rhonda exclaimed.

  “No, I’m not. That’s why I flipped out on his stupid ass! And told him don’t call me, call them trifling-ass baby mamas of his. And just so happens his baby-mama Frances was on the other end and heard me. So, she said, “Bitch, you the one trifling!” So, I got right back in her ass real quick. And then I jumped in his and told them both to kiss my ass and hung up.”

  “That’s what his ass gets. Got that hoe on the other end listening to y’all conversation like that shit is cool.”

  “I know,” I said and then I sighed. “He always does some of the stupidest shit known to man.” />
  “Did y’all bring up the subject about Sunshine?”

  “Hell nah! I mean for what? She sho’ ain’t no threat to me, sitting behind bars with his dumb ass. That’s exactly what they asses get. They deserve one another.”

  “You sho’ ain’t lying about that. I just can’t believe how she had the balls to come in this shop everyday doing hair at her station and smiling like she was your friend and then as soon as she steps foot out the front door, she’s dead on your husband’s dick. Now tell me that ain’t some scandalous shit!”

  “Yeah, it was. And that’s why they’re both paying for it now, with their nasty asses!”

  “Did you tell him that you’re filing for divorce?”

  “Nah, I ain’t tell him. I’m just going to wait until he gets the papers.”

  “So, how long is that going to take?”

  “Well, my lawyer told me that we’re going to have to be separated for a year before a judge will grant it.”

  “But, did you tell your lawyer that Ricky is locked up?”

  “Yeah, but he said that it didn’t matter,” I began telling her. Before I could finish my sentence, the back door to the shop opened and out came my cousin, Nikki.

  “There you are,” she said, smiling from ear to ear.

  So I smiled back and replied, “What’s up with that big-ass smile on your face?”

  “Yeah. Who done made you all happy and shit?” Rhonda interjected.

  “I just met this guy named Syncere from New Jersey. And believe me when I tell you, that that cat is fine to death.”

  “Girl, don’t be falling for niggas from up top. ’Cause they’ll get your ass in trouble.”

  “Nikki, don’t listen to cousin’s male-bashing ass because he might be a winner. Now tell me what kind of whip he’s driving.”

  “A silver Range Rover.”

  “What year?” Rhonda’s questions continued.

  “I don’t know but it looks like a 2005 model.”

  “Did he tell you what he does for a living?” I asked her because so far it sounds like this cat Syncere is a fucking hustler.

  “Well, he said he owns that car wash off Brambleton Ave. It’s right across the street from Norfolk State University.”

  “That ain’t nothing but a front,” I commented.

  Rhonda sucked her teeth and responded, “You don’t know that for sure.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. But these days you can’t believe everything a nigga tells you.”

  “Now, I’ll agree with you on that,” Rhonda interjected once more.

  And again, before I could get a word in, the back door to the shop opened up. This time it was April poking her head outside the door.

  “Rhonda, Tony told me to tell you to come out front.”

  “What? He was beeping the horn or something?” Rhonda asked.

  “Nah. He called the phone and told me to tell you to come outside. So, I told him okay.”

  “A’ight. Thanks,” Rhonda told April as she began to put herself in motion to walk back into the salon. “I’ll be right back y’all,” she told me and Nikki and then she was off.

  Now after the back door closed and Rhonda was out of sight, I took a deep breath and told Nikki that I had something very important to tell her.

  “What is it?” she wondered aloud.

  I immediately pulled her a couple of feet away from the building and said, “Frances told Ricky what happened.”

  “Well, what exactly did she tell him?”

  “Everything.”

  “And how do you know?”

  “Because I just got off the phone with him.”

  “So, what did he have to say?”

  “Well, he wanted to know why was me and Frances fighting? And then he asked me was it true that Frances friend saw me coming out of the FBI building?”

  “And what did you say?” Nikki asked me as I noticed how big her eyes were protruding.

  “Whatcha mean, ‘what I said?’ Shit! I ain’t crazy! You know I denied it. But I know he didn’t believe me because he asked me why would that chick lie on me? I told him I didn’t know. And that’s when he said he was going to get his lawyer to check it out. So you know when he said that I was about to shit bricks! But instead of cracking up, I reversed the game on him and told him to do what the fuck he felt was necessary because he should know that I wouldn’t do nothing sheisty like that. And when I said it, I was snapping. So I’m hoping that I was dramatic enough and he believed me.”

  “But what if he didn’t?”

  “Then me and you are going to have to put our heads together.”

  “And do what?” Nikki asked me in an agitated manner.

  This was an instant reminder of how terrified she gets when forced into a corner. And the fact that I know she’s getting really worried about what we were about to be up against if Ricky found out the truth. And the last thing I want to do is have her walking ’round here acting all paranoid and shit.

  That’s why I came back on her and said, “Look, everything’s going to be all right because he’s not going to call his lawyer. And even if he did, he still wouldn’t be able to do shit. I mean, look where he’s at. On fucking lockdown! So, stop fretting.”

  “Easy for you to say. Remember, he doesn’t give a fuck about me.”

  “Well, if this will make you feel any better, just know that your name never came up in our conversation.”

  “Oh, but sooner or later it will. Especially if his lawyer finds out what really went down in those FBI files.”

  “But, he won’t. I promise you.”

  Nikki sighed heavily and replied, “I just hope you’re right.” And then she left me standing where I was to go back into the shop.

  Now I ain’t gonna lie, I wished I could’ve told Nikki more convincing shit than that, but I just couldn’t come up with the right stuff to say. So, maybe it’s best that it came out the way that it did. I mean, she definitely needs to know what position to play because whether she wants to know it or not, the game done already started. So in the end, somebody will win. I just hope that it’s going to be us.

  Digging Up Old Feelings

  This baby is really starting to get to me. I mean, it ain’t that bad, considering I don’t get the early morning sickness every day. But I am always getting that never-ending nauseating feeling. That’s why I decided to take today off, so I can lounge at home. But then, that got old. And that’s why I’m riding around in my car, looking for a detailing spot, so I can get my car washed. And then it dawned on me to take a trip down to that spot in Norfolk on Brambleton Avenue, owned by the cat Nikki was bragging about. This way, when I see him, I can draw my own conclusions about his slick ass. Shit, he is not going to have my cousin’s nose all wide open. It just ain’t going to happen, if I can help it.

  Now moments after I arrived this old-looking dude, who was probably a crackhead, walked up to my car and asked me to pull it behind this candy-apple red Suburban sitting on huge– assed, chromed-out rims. So I did. And then I got out to cop myself a seat in one of the chairs that was put outside in front of the building for the customers to sit and watch their cars being washed and detailed. Unfortunately, all the seats were taken, so I had to just stand there. But luckily, there was a gentleman in this circle who saw that I desperately needed a seat. Then again, it could’ve been this Michael Kors baby-doll dress I’m rocking because my body is making this thing look really tasty on me.

  “Here you go, Shorty. Take my seat,” he insisted.

  I smiled at him and told him thanks. And then right after I sat down, I noticed this tall, light-skinned chick from the corner of my eye, who was sitting like three chairs over to my right, gritting at me. I turned around to face her and gave her a nasty look like, Do you know me or something? But, I guess she couldn’t read between the lines because this hoe started gritting on me even harder.

  I asked her, “Do you know me from somewhere?”

  And this hoe got straight hood with
me and said, “If I did, I would’ve spoken to you by now!”

  I laughed at her smart-ass comment and replied, “Well then why are you staring at me?”

  “Excuse me, honey, but I am not staring at you. I’m looking past you if you must know.”

  “Could’ve fooled me,” I replied sarcastically. I didn’t say it loudly. I remained a lady and said it in a calm manner. But it was loud enough for her red ass to hear me. I just couldn’t let her punk me down in front of all these niggas out here. I’m too fly for that type of shit. And even though I’m far from being scared to get at her ass, I wasn’t dressed appropriately for the occasion. Right now, I am in no mood to kick some hoe’s ass in this seven hundred-dollar dress. It’s just not going to happen.

  After I said what I had to say, I turned my body in a catty-corner position, crossed my legs and looked in the other direction. Good thing that I didn’t have to sit with her for long because not even five minutes later, her little Dodge Neon was ready for her to drive off in, which was like the best thing that could’ve happened.

  The guy who gave me his chair took her seat without question. But, he did have a question for me after we both witnessed her drive off the lot.

  “Yo, Shorty, you a’ight?”

  “No doubt!” I replied with confidence.

  “Well for a minute there, I thought you and home girl was going to get busy.”

  Now before I responded to this cat’s comment, I smiled at him once again, simultaneously picking what little lint balls I noticed I had on my dress and told him, “Trust me, baby. She wasn’t ready for me. That’s why our little chat ended quickly.”

  “Well, I’m glad it did. Because you’re looking too good right now to be out here scrapping like cats.”

  “Thanks,” I replied and then I giggled. I’m assuming that was an invitation for him to continue on conversing with me because he didn’t hesitate to ask me if I had a man. I told him no. And that’s when he asked me, “Well, who gave you that gigantic glacier on your finger?”