Heaven Forbid

by Lutishia Lovely

  “I turned off my phone,” was Stan’s honest reply.

  “Why?”

  “Passion, we need to talk.”

  And that’s what they did, for the next two hours. Stan told Passion everything: details about the repeated rape by his uncle, about being with Bryce from the time he was nineteen until just before his twenty-fourth birthday, his secret homosexual longings, and, most importantly, what had happened just hours before. When he finished, he was cried out, drained, yet strangely relieved. He never could have done it without the conversation with God he’d had on the way home.

  “Father!” Stan uttered passionately as soon as he got into his car. “Forgive me! I’m so sorry. I was so wrong!”

  You were forgiven before the earth was made….

  “I’ve sinned again!” Stan continued, crying openly now. “But I tried so hard, God! So hard to obey your word and do Your will. It’s been twenty-five years, Lord! Please don’t hold this night, this moment of weakness, against the work that I’ve done!” Stan beat his hands against the steering wheel, his cries turning into heaving sobs. For the first time, he cried for the loss of his childhood, for the uncle turned monster whom he once loved, for the fact that he loved men more than women, and for the decades he’d remained sexless to deny his true longings. “Forgive me!”

  All is forgiven, said a voice filled with love.

  “I am a sinner, a wretch undone!”

  You are my beloved son, in whom I’m well pleased.

  “I can’t undo what I’ve just done. There’s no way I can pay the cost for these transgressions!” Stan, in a very uncharacteristic way, was hollering almost at the top of his lungs.

  My son, the cost was paid by Christ at Calvary. You are mine.

  “I am an abomination to the throne of Grace.”

  You are my child, made in my image, and after my likeness. And no man can pluck you out of my hand.

  Stan’s tears had dried shortly after hearing this, enough for him to put the car in gear and drive home. Once he arrived there, it was clear what he had to do. He had to get real with himself and stop hiding from the truth of who he was. Until he did that, he couldn’t take control of who he chose to be. To do that, he’d have to come clean with Passion, the woman whom God had sent as his helpmate. That’s why, after walking through the door, he hadn’t been able to talk fast enough.

  “Can I hug you?” Passion asked tentatively after Stan had drained his soul. He nodded, and Passion enveloped him in her arms. “I love you, Stanley Morris Lee. And I will be here for you until death do we part. Believe that.”

  Stan basked in the love of his wife, his partner. Yes, it felt different than Bryce’s embrace, but it also felt like the embrace he desired, the life he wanted to lead. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tighter, finding her mouth and plundering it with his tongue. He showed more ardor in the next few moments than he’d shown in the past three years. Passion’s desire flared like the firecrackers they’d heard earlier as she returned her husband’s kiss, their tongues dueling, their hands searching.

  “I want to please you,” Stan breathed, surprised that after climaxing with Bryce that he was ready to love again.

  “And I want to please you,” Passion replied.

  Stan stopped suddenly, so quickly that Passion had to catch her breath. Oh, no, is he having second thoughts? Is he thinking this is wrong? Please, God, he’s never acted like this before. Please don’t let it end this way! “What’s wrong, Stan?” Passion asked. “Is it something I did, a way that I touched you?”

  “No, nothing like that,” Stan replied, staring into her eyes. He was silent, and stared at her for so long that Passion began to worry if he’d lost a part of his sanity. When he spoke again, she wondered if she’d lost a part of hers. Because he said words she never thought she’d hear in this marriage.

  “Passion, I want you to go down on me.”

  Passion was taken aback. “You want me to what?” The sentence came out sounding like two words instead of five.

  “Never mind, you’re a godly woman and—”

  “No, Stanley! I mean, yes, I am godly but I like, I mean, I don’t think that…Well, what I’m trying to say is, I would be glad to help you out with…whatever you need.”

  Stanley took a breath and began again. “I want to have oral sex. Can you do that?”

  Could she do that? If it wasn’t for the fact that it would ruin the moment, Passion would have broken into a rendition of Handel’s “Hallelujah” in the key of G! Instead, her response was quiet, almost demure. “I can do that for you, Stanley,” she replied honestly. They undressed, and Passion proceeded to show him just how well she could handle his heartfelt request.

  60

  Something Else

  Princess lay in her old bed, still reeling from the events of the past twenty-four hours. To say what had happened surprised her would be an understatement. Princess turned on her back, stared at the ceiling, and tried to figure out how a casual trip home for the Fourth of July had turned into…something else.

  The beginning was normal enough. Little sis, Tee, showed off her driving skills by picking Princess up at the airport. They’d made a side trip into Kansas City for a slab of Gates Barbecue before continuing on to Overland Park. When Princess arrived home, Michael, Timothy, and her parents were all there to greet her. “It’s going to be a small gathering this year,” Tai had told her as they sat in the dining room sharing the slab of spicy ribs. “Mama Max and Daddy O decided to stay in Texas, and your other grandparents are spending the holiday in Ohio with your aunt Rita.” Rita was Tai’s sister. “So it’s just going to be our family, Rafael’s parents, and a few others from the church. Oh, and I invited Sandy. Remember her?” Princess shook her head. “She and I used to work together, years ago.”

  “Oh, the White woman with the red hair.”

  “Yep, that’s her. She just got remarried and wants me to meet the new mister. Oh, and Jan’s coming over.”

  “How’s our neighbor doing?” Princess asked as she licked sauce off her finger and polished off a whole fry.

  “Busy as ever. I keep telling her to slow down before she has a heart attack.”

  The next day, company had begun arriving around noon, and by two o’clock, the Fourth of July celebration was in full swing. Folks swam, ate, played spades, and conversed until into the evening. That’s when Princess showered and dressed for a night out with her best friend, Rafael. And that’s when the surprises started.

  “Where are we going?” Princess asked after getting into Rafael’s Pontiac Solstice and fastening her seat belt.

  “I thought we’d go have a drink on the Plaza, watch the fireworks, and then maybe go to the boat.”

  “The boat?”

  “Yeah, the ca-si-no.”

  “What? I didn’t know you gambled.”

  “Just a little blackjack when I’m feeling lucky.”

  “Oh, and you’re feeling lucky tonight, huh?”

  “Why not? I’ve got my good luck charm here with me.” He took Princess’s hand in his, brought it up to his lips, and kissed it.

  “Boy, stop!” Princess said playfully, disengaging her hand from his.

  “What do you mean, stop?” Rafael asked seductively, reaching for Princess’s hand once again. “I’m not ever gonna stop loving you, Princess. I mean that.”

  Princess didn’t know quite what to think about this new Rafael, this flirty, suave, confident version. The evening after Kelvin left her apartment in Long Beach, Rafael had expressed his true feelings for her, how he wanted them to see if they could have something deeper than friendship between them. Princess had suggested to just let things flow, take matters one step at a time. She couldn’t give him the firm commitment he wanted, but there was no logical reason Princess could think of for not at least trying things out with Rafael. Not only was he handsome, smart, and spiritual, but he was also her best friend. They’d talked far into the night that evening and cuddled�
��nothing more. And they had talked on the phone almost every day since then.

  Because they had only a couple hours before the fireworks started, they decided to skip the Plaza and head straight to the boat. Once there, Rafael sat down at a blackjack table. He ordered a Sprite, and Princess ordered an orange juice. Within minutes, Rafael won a hundred dollars.

  “Wow! It’s that easy?” Princess asked.

  “That’s what they want you to believe.” Rafael gathered his chips and rose from the table. “C’mon, baby girl. I’m gonna cash this in, and we can get out of here. That’s how you keep your money—win and walk.”

  “Ooh, I want to try something!” Princess had never been to a casino, and all the flashing lights, bells, and whistles fascinated her. Rafael walked to a cashier, cashed in his chips, then reached for Princess’s hand as they walked around the casino floor. That it was a holiday was evident in the large crowd. Most of the machines were taken, and the tables were full. Princess stopped at a nickel machine that bore her name. “What about this one?”

  After asking the woman next to Princess how the game worked, Rafael gave Princess a twenty-dollar bill to slide into the money slot.

  “You wanna play max bet,” their gray-haired, cigarette-smoking friend informed them. “That’s how you win the big bucks.”

  “More like how you lose them,” Rafael whispered in Princess’s other ear.

  “I’m going to play the big money!” Princess said, agreeing with the “expert” sitting beside her. At $1.25 a pull, the twenty-dollar bill got eaten up quickly. She’d win a little, lose a little, and was down to her last $2.50 when the video game seemed to lock up. “What happened?”

  “You’ve got a bonus!” the woman playing next to them replied. “Just listen, and do what it tells you.”

  Princess squealed with delight as the game gave her a choice of treasures to open, each leading to another level. When the bonus was over, Princess had won almost two hundred dollars. “I won! I won! Look, El, I won more than you!”

  “Beginner’s luck,” he teased. “Okay, cash out and let’s go.”

  “No, I want to keep playing!”

  “Oh, boy. See, I told you. That’s how they get you—let you win the first time so that you can keep playing and give them back all your money. C’mon, you little gambler. Let’s get out of here.”

  Rafael left the casino, which was located by the airport, and headed to Kansas City, Missouri.

  “Where are we watching the fireworks?”

  “Just hang with your boy. I’ve got a prime spot.”

  The two continued chatting until they came to Union Station. Rafael parked the car. He went to the trunk and pulled out a blanket and a small tote.

  “What’s that?”

  “You know you stay hungry. I packed us a little sumpin’, sumpin’…”

  “Awww, you’re so sweet!”

  They walked up a large hill. Rafael found a spot near the top, away from the rest of the crowd. He spread the blanket and held Princess in his arms as they watched the fireworks. As they watched the last one, a kaleidoscope of colors timed to exhilarating music, Rafael casually reached for Princess’s hand yet again. But this time, he put something on it, or more specifically, on the third finger of her left hand.

  “What are you…” Princess began, and then looked down at her finger. She gasped. “Rafael! What is this?”

  “Girl, that orange juice got you buzzin’ or somethin’? What does it look like?”

  “It looks like an engagement ring, but…but…”

  “But nothing. You my girl, and I’m marrying you. End of story.”

  “Uh, excuse me?”

  “Don’t even think I’m doing that traditional down-on-one-knee, ring-in-the-champagne blah, blah, blah. That stuff is for sissies, and half the time, those marriages don’t last six months. I love you, you love me, and when I get through with you, you’ll be in love with me as well. Now, do you like the ring, ’cause I’m not buying another one. I’ll be paying for that one the next five years as it is. Brothah ain’t got it like that yet.” Rafael changed his joking manner and became serious. “But I will. I’m going places, Princess, and I want you with me. I’ll give you everything. Everything you’ve ever wanted.” He stopped and looked over at the cluster of buildings nearby. “What is that fool doing?”

  Princess turned to look and gasped again. There, spelled out in lights across the top of the Crown Center Shopping Center, was a question: PRINCESS, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

  Princess was speechless. “Rafael, I don’t know what to say!”

  “It’s not a hard question, baby,” Rafael responded, again hiding his nervousness behind a smile. “There are only two answers. And unless what you’re getting ready to say is yes, don’t even say it. Because yes is the only answer I’m going to accept, and I’m willing to wait until that’s the answer you’ve got for me.”

  That’s how it had happened. That’s how Princess’s world had gotten turned upside down in one day. And now her mind was in turmoil. She loved Rafael and would never want to hurt him. But his proposal had forced her to acknowledge something she’d tried to ignore—she was still in love with Kelvin Petersen.

  61

  A Testament

  Carla embraced Lavon’s face and kissed him tenderly. “What did I do to deserve you?” she asked while planting kisses across his face.

  “Be born,” Lavon responded simply. He pushed himself up against the backboard of the king-sized bed, and brought Carla up with him. After three years, their lovemaking was still intense and constant. They were intimate almost every night—it was a favorite aspect of their relationship. That they could work together, play together, pray together, and love together was a blessing that neither took for granted.

  “This turned out to be a great weekend,” Lavon said after a pause. “Except I know one thing: I need to have a talk with Felicia’s mama. That girl is trying to move too fast.”

  “That girl is grown,” Carla gently reminded him. “Eighteen with a bullet, as they say.”

  “Yeah, well, that girl is still my daughter.” Lavon had observed his daughter while picking her and her friend up from the mall. There were four hardheads gathered around them, as if they were holding court. And Lavon hadn’t missed how Felicia swung her behind for the boys to check out as she walked away from them. She would be entering Ohio State University at the end of the summer. Lavon knew from personal experience what the college life could be like. He didn’t want his only child “wilding out.”

  “Baby, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if she takes after her daddy, she will definitely be getting her groove on, if she hasn’t already.” Carla remembered their recent conversation regarding Brianna and didn’t miss the irony that she was basically telling Lavon the same things he’d said to her. “I feel for you, though, trust. I’m always having to cool Brianna’s fast butt down. I even heard Shay talking about ‘his girl.’ I’m just praying that nobody makes me a grandmother before I’m ready.”

  “Naw, you don’t look like anybody’s grandmother,” Lavon said, tweaking Carla’s nipple with his fingers. “But what about mother? Are you ready to do that again?”

  Carla sat straight up. “Where did that come from?” When Lavon remained silent, she continued. “Surely you jest.”

  “Think about it, baby. We’re still young, both under forty. Don’t you think it would be nice to have a little Lavon/Carla creation walking around? I mean, I love Shay and Winston, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I want a son of my own. But even more, that I want a child with you.”

  Carla turned fully to look at Lavon. She studied his face and noted the sincerity there. “You’re really serious, aren’t you?”

  “I know, it’s probably crazy. What with your career and all, and the fact that your youngest is seven right now. You’re probably counting down the years until he graduates high school. The last thing you need is a newborn.”

  “It’s just that I�
�ve never thought about it. You’ve never mentioned us having a child before.”

  Lavon shrugged. “Never thought that much about it either. But this weekend, hanging out with the family and all…just got me to thinking about us leaving our own little legacy, a testament to our love.”

  Carla rested back against Lavon. “You’d want a son, huh? What if I have another daughter?”

  “I’d love her almost as much as I love her mother.”

  Carla turned her body toward Lavon and kissed him lightly. “And what if I have twins?”

  “Then we’d need to get a bigger house.”

  Carla reached down and squeezed Lavon’s manhood. She massaged it gently, reveling in how it hardened beneath her expert ministrations, even though they’d just made love. “And what if I said I didn’t want to have any more babies?”

  Lavon scooted down, until he and Carla were once again in a horizontal position. “Then I’d have to let you be all the baby I need.” He dipped his head and grasped first one and then the other of Carla’s nipples in his mouth, even as he gently opened her thighs with his hand. He found the paradise he’d only recently vacated, parted her folds. and slid a finger inside.

  “Awwww.” Carla widened her legs and deepened their kiss. She reached for his backside, kneading it firmly, just the way Lavon liked it. “Lavon?” she whispered hoarsely as her husband found one of her sensitive spots.

  “Yes, Carla,” Lavon breathed as he rubbed her pudgy stomach before rolling on top of her. He teased her with his manhood, rubbing it between her legs.

  “Lavon?” she breathed again, squirming with the anticipation of feeling him inside her.

  “Yes, my love?”

  “Let’s make a baby.”

  62

  Not a Game

  Kelvin wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted, especially when it came to females. Which was why not being able to reach Princess was so frustrating. Since praying for Little Kelvin, they’d talked on a fairly regular basis. He’d even invited her to Arizona for the Fourth of July. But she’d already had plans to visit her parents. Kelvin had been cool with that, even knowing that Rafael would be sniffing around her during the entire visit. Kelvin wasn’t worried. She tried to hide it, but Kelvin knew Princess was still in love with him. Just like he knew that they were going to get back together. It was only a matter of time.