The Walls We Built

by Kassandra Garrison

  You want to go to the store with me, sis?

  I remembered feeling embarrassed as I stood in the tampon aisle of the store with my dad asking what size pad I needed.

  How am I supposed to know that?

  Well, I don’t know. How heavy is your flow?

  Dad! I don’t want you asking me about my flow!

  Fine. Take your time. I’m going to go grab some more shaving cream.

  My face must have been as red as the town’s only fire engine as the cashier scanned our items. One by one, she grabbed the tampons, pads, and pantiliners. An attractive African-American woman around my dad’s age, she wore a simple pair of jeans and white cotton long sleeve tee under her green apron. Confidence and compassion spilled from her soul as she interacted with others. She looked up from the register and gently smiled at me.

  First time?

  Yeah. How’d you know?

  You look like you could keel over from the embarrassment of shopping for feminine products with your dad.

  This was yet another time in my life when I felt the absence of my mother. And every time my heart would feel that familiar twinge of pain, I would look at my dad’s brown eyes that held all the understanding and comfort I needed.

  He cleared his throat as he looked down at his wallet and retrieved his debit card. As he handed it to the friendly cashier, he gently explained the situation.

  We’re all each other needs.

  Her soft, wise eyes let us know she comprehended the meaning behind his statement. But instead of shying away from the depressing fact of our lives, she leaned down over the cash register and smiled at me from eye level.

  Well, I’m sure that is true. Honey, believe me, your daddy is the only man who will never break your heart.

  My dad thanked her as he grabbed the bags and gestured for me to follow him out of the store. I glanced back at the cashier as we walked toward the exit. She was smiling as she watched us walk away, my dad’s hand on my shoulder.

  I remembered her statement on the day my heart was first broken by a boy. His name was Arthur McKenzie and he was the coolest boy in eighth grade. A varsity basketball player with spiked blonde hair, he was the talk of the junior high. Every girl wanted to be with him, including me.

  The entire school year, I admired him from afar only dreaming about countless encounters with him, every imagined conversation ending in a dramatic confession of true love.

  Finally, the school year was coming to an end and the eighth-grade dance was approaching quickly. As the strong female I had been raised to be, I took it upon myself to ask Arthur to the dance.

  My hands shook as I walked up to him in the cafeteria and tapped on his shoulder. He turned around from the crowd of girls surrounding him, his big hazel eyes taking my breath away. My stomach churned as I bravely pushed the words through the lump in my throat.

  Hi, Arthur. Um, I was wondering if you would go to the dance with me?

  Seriously?

  Thinking he was blown away by my offer, I could barely contain my excitement. Until he spoke again, that is.

  You really think I would go to the dance with a girl like you? Have you seen your competition?

  The crowd of girls behind him giggled as he gestured over his shoulder at them. My eyes welled up with tears as I quickly headed for the bathroom. Once I reached the stall at the very end of the girl’s bathroom, I sat on the toilet and cried until the end of lunch.

  My eyes were bloodshot the remainder of the day as I stumbled from class to class. It wasn’t until I arrived home from school that I lost control. With my feet dangling over the edge of the couch, my dad held me in his lap as I recounted that day’s events.

  If he can’t see the beautiful, smart, funny, and strong girl you are, then he doesn’t deserve you anyhow.

  But, Dad, I really liked him. What’s wrong with me?

  His deep voice rumbled against my ear as I laid my head on his chest and sniffled.

  Nothing at all, sweetheart. One day, you will meet a boy who will love you for who you are. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. You are perfect the way you are and the person you’re meant to be with will see that. Until then, you’ve got me. You’ll always have me.

  Thanks, Dad. I’m not going to the dance.

  You don’t have to if you don’t want to. We’ll just have our own party.

  I raised my head from his chest and looked into his eyes, watching the gears turn as an idea evolved in his mind.

  Who needs a school dance? How’s about we order pizza, make peach cobbler, and go see a movie?

  With a simple gesture, my father had mended my broken heart and instilled in me the same beliefs with which he had raised me: I was perfect the way I was, and no one could ever change that.

  *****

  So how are your classes going?

  It was the first weekend since I had begun college and I lay on my bed in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. My feet were propped above me on the wall beside my bed. My dad’s deep voice could be heard on the other end of my cellphone as I looked up at the ceiling.

  Good, I guess. I wish I only had English classes because I think math is going to be the death of me.

  You’re smart. You’ll figure it out.

  Yeah, you always say that.

  And you always do.

  There was a pause in the conversation as I glanced over at my math textbook with a big homework assignment still needing completed.

  So, no plans for a Saturday night, Lottie?

  No, I think I’m going to do some homework and maybe read a little if I have time.

  You know that I appreciate your lack of teenage rebellion but don’t stay cooped up in that dorm for the next four years. Make some friends and have some sensible good times.

  Drinking, gambling, sex, and drugs are okay then?

  Oh, how I miss that sarcasm of yours.

  You know you do, Dad. Anyways, I have to go get pregnant now. Talk to you later.

  I heard his incredulous chuckle from the other end and smiled as he abandoned taking me seriously.

  Love you, Lottie.

  Love and miss you, Dad. I’ll call you again soon.

  Just as I was hanging up the phone, I heard the door to my dorm open and looked up to find Sophie peeking her head through the opening.

  Oh, good, you’re decent.

  Um, why—

  Come on in, guys. She’s dressed.

  Suddenly, Sophie opened the door the rest of the way and revealed Nathan and Ezra on the other side. Nathan greeted me with a quick nod of the head before laying across Sophie’s bed. Ezra remained standing close to the door but his eyes examined my half of the room.

  Sophie sat down at her vanity table and looked my way in the reflection. Pulling my legs down from the wall, I sat up and watched her freshen her makeup.

  Oh, did we interrupt a phone call?

  No, I was done.

  Was it your big, bad college boyfriend calling to wish you goodnight?

  Exactly.

  As Sophie knowingly teased me about my lack of a boyfriend, Ezra was immediately interrupted from his focus on my bookshelf.

  Boyfriend?

  Sophie smiled in the reflection, looking between Ezra and me. I knew she was trying to prove that Ezra was romantically interested in me. But I wasn’t willing to play along with her matchmaking games.

  Yes, my boyfriend.

  It was quiet in the room as Ezra seemed to absorb this information. Nathan seemed amused at his silence before returning his adoring gaze back to Sophie. While the two talked, Ezra stepped closer to my side of the room.

  So, this guy must really be something if he can meet your standards of men.

  What is that supposed to mean?

  Meaning I see how you almost entirely ignore the opposite sex, including me. We’re not diseased, you know.

  Well, some of you are.

  A chuckle managed to escape my lips as his frustration became more obvious despite my joke. His feet
shuffled as he looked down at his shoes and then over his shoulder at Nathan and Sophie.

  Most likely sensing the tension coming from Ezra, Sophie interjected herself into the conversation.

  We’re getting ready to go to a party down the street. You want to come, Charlotte?

  Ezra’s eyes were intense as he looked up from his shoes and directly at me, awaiting my answer.

  No. Thank you though.

  Was that disappointment I saw in his eyes? Abruptly, Sophie stood from her seat and gestured for Nathan and Ezra to follow.

  Alright, girl. Don’t wait up.

  Nathan followed Sophie to the door as an eager puppy would its beloved owner. As they left the dorm, I leaned to grab my textbook from the bedside table to begin my homework.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Ezra lingering by the door. The other two had already disappeared into the hallway and only he remained, his eyes following every movement I made.

  Ezra?

  I heard Sophie’s voice from down the hall. He stood in limbo, unable to take his eyes from me and follow his friends.

  Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?

  Yes, I don’t care for parties.

  Why not?

  Never have. People are obnoxious enough without the liquor and loud music.

  You should give more people a chance.

  Before I could open my mouth for a response, he grabbed the doorknob and began closing the door behind him. As the lock clasped shut, I heard his voice from outside the door.

  Goodnight, Charlotte.

  I sat staring at the door for a moment, trying to understand his behavior. Over the next couple hours, I attempted to complete my math homework but struggled to focus on the formulas in front of me.

  Frustrated and exhausted, I tossed the book back on my bedside table and turned the lamp off. In the darkness of the room, I lay with my head on the pillow unable to fall asleep.

  As I tossed and turned from side to side, I didn’t know what bothered me more: the math homework or the reason why I couldn’t focus.

  Five

  Over the next few weeks, Ezra kept his distance from me. It wasn’t that he totally ignored me. He still provided a friendly greeting and socialized in the same group as me but there was something different about him. No longer did he have a twinkle in his eye when he spoke to me, only a basic acknowledgement of my presence.

  A part of me missed the constant heckling he provided throughout the day. Another part of me thought I was insane for not appreciating the peace his space provided.

  However distant Ezra had become, the opposite could be said about Nathan and Sophie. At the end of August on a Sunday afternoon, Sophie burst into the dorm with an enormous grin. She proceeded to tell me about the adorable brunch her and Nathan had at a local organic bakery.

  Without Wyatt’s incessant flirting, Nathan was finally able to tell Sophie how he felt. That is, after an awkward silence and half a dozen failed attempts to ask her out. To no surprise, she eagerly confirmed her own feelings. Since then, they had been inseparable, each week growing in romantic intensity.

  Neither one of them could stop smiling in each other’s presence and Wyatt had long given up fighting for Sophie’s attention. There was no breaking their focus on one another. Maybe if we tried a water hose.

  There were many nights when the energy in our dorm was all too much for me and I excused myself to the library or coffee shop. Luckily, they seemed to rotate which dorm they spent time in, Nathan and Ezra’s or Sophie’s and mine.

  Football season was well underway as was the PDA between the two lovebirds. Sophie would drag me to football games on the weekends and dress herself from head to toe with enough school spirit to rival the mascot.

  Though I never was one to attend sports events in high school, I had to admit it was fun going with Sophie. She shamelessly cheered for Nathan from the stands and scolded the referee for bad calls. Several times, I left the game with sore ribs from my constant laughter.

  At the end of every game, Sophie would lean over the railing and receive a kiss from Nathan. Usually any kind of romance not found in my novels sickened me but seeing them so happy made me smile.

  They were perfect together. She loved attention and he was more than willing to oblige. His laid-back demeanor fell in line with her bubbly, energetic personality.

  They are so gross.

  I turned around to see Ezra, his deep blue eyes looking down at me from the next bleacher up.

  That’s not nearly as bad as what I see in our dorm.

  You don’t have to tell me. The workers in the coffee shop probably think I have no life because I’m in there so much.

  Same. It seems we are on a rotated schedule.

  He chuckled under his breath as he glanced over at the still occupied couple and then back to me.

  But you and your boyfriend are probably the same way. It’s only gross when you’re not involved.

  His eyes were intensely focused on me as I nodded my head and looked around the football stadium at the thinning crowds. I couldn’t help but feel guilty as I failed to correct him on my phony relationship status.

  Just then, Wyatt’s head popped up from behind the railing as he pulled himself over the top. Apparently from his smile and cocky walk, climbing over the railing made you a superhuman.

  Yo, Ezra. We still going out Friday night? I think I deserve to let loose this weekend after I carried the team to victory! Go Devils!

  Several people in the crowds hollered back to him from across the stadium, only fueling the fire. As I realized he was coming to join our conversation, I rolled my eyes and looked up at Ezra. He sighed before smiling down at his friend’s arrival.

  Yeah, we’re still going out. Great job, man.

  Unbelievable. How could he barely tolerate Wyatt and still stroke his ego like that? Much to my dismay, Wyatt turned his attention to me, looking me from head to toe. The sweat dripped down his forehead as his dark eyes finally reached my face.

  Obviously, the school tank top I had borrowed from Sophie and my usual jean shorts tickled his fancy as he made an aggressively pleased grunt. Not all cavemen evolved, I guess.

  I am liking this new look on you, Alyssa.

  Charlotte.

  Yeah, Charlotte. I knew that.

  Oh, I bet you did.

  I took a step away from Wyatt as the smell of his sweat and hot breath began to churn my stomach. Ezra had grown extremely quiet and still as he watched the exchange take place.

  Say, Charlotte, let me take you to the party Friday night. Not a lot of girls get invited by the school’s starting quarterback.

  Oh, I seriously doubt that.

  Then, it’s a date. I’ll pick you up Friday at eight.

  Ezra cleared his throat and shoved his hands in his pockets. His feet shuffled side to side as he addressed Wyatt directly.

  Hey, man. She has a boyfriend. Why don’t you take it easy on her?

  Yeah, and where’s he at? Not at this school. What your boyfriend doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Come on, I’ll make it worth your time.

  Dude, come on, let it go. She’s not going to budge. And those cheerleaders over there have not taken their eyes off you this whole time.

  Ezra pointed toward the group of giggling cheerleaders waiting for the quarterback on the sidelines. Wyatt seemed to temporarily give up his pursuit of me as they waved him over. He ran and climbed back over the railing, running to the girls immediately after landing the jump.

  When I looked back at Ezra, he was watching Wyatt’s theatrical entertainment of the cheerleaders. His expression showed irritation as he stepped down from the bleacher seat onto the same level as me.

  Thanks, Ezra. You didn’t have to do that.

  Well, he wouldn’t have quit. He has no respect for others. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, he takes what he wants.

  And you care about something like that?

  His eyes softened as he maintained eye cont
act with me before chuckling under his breath.

  Yeah, I do. I would want guys to respect my girlfriend and ease up on the lame pick-up attempts.

  Is that why you gave up on your efforts?

  Before he could answer my question, Sophie climbed the bleachers to the place where Ezra and I stood talking. She looked between the two of us and raised her eyebrows in expectation.

  What are you guys talking about?

  Ezra looked around the stadium before stepping down the bleachers two at a time.

  How gross you and Nathan are.

  Oh, you’re just jealous you aren’t getting any hot action, Ezra!

  I laughed as she yelled after the retreating figure of Ezra, his hand waving over his head as he continued walking away.

  Did you tell him that you don’t really have a boyfriend?

  No, and I don’t plan to.

  What? Why not? It’s obvious that you broke his heart so just tell him the truth.

  Like I said, I’m not looking for a boyfriend. At least now I don’t have to constantly reject him.

  It never looked like a serious rejection when I saw you two together.

  What are you talking about?

  What? You don’t think I saw the secret smiles and disappointed eyes when he left?

  You are just trying to play matchmaker.

  Am I though, Char? Come on. Just admit that you might actually like him.

  I rolled my eyes and began walking down the bleachers in the direction of our dorm. There was no way I was admitting anything to Sophie. She would only try to set us up again and again.

  Why are you trying to make me feel bad about not telling him the truth when you’re the one who said I have a boyfriend in the first place?

  Once we were walking on level ground again, Sophie caught up with my hurried strides and looked over from beside me.

  Because I thought you would tell us the truth, that you had gotten off your usual phone call with your dad. I never expected you to play along with it. Nearly broke my heart when I saw his reaction.

  Well, that’s not my problem. Whether I have a boyfriend or not, I am unavailable to him and any other guy, especially Wyatt.

  Don’t let Wyatt or any other jerk spoil your feelings about the entire opposite gender. Not all boys are bad.