The Walls We Built

by Kassandra Garrison

  Is that really what you think of me? That I would have sex just to fit in?

  I just assumed.

  Yeah, you assumed wrong. Have I taken a girl to the movies, attended a dance with her, or kissed her? Yes. But I’m not so cheap that I’d have sex to be cool.

  My focus fell to my hands in my lap as the shame of my assumption weighed heavy on my heart.

  I’m sorry, Ezra. I feel awful.

  I felt his hands cover mine as he knelt down on his knees with his elbows on my bed. His eyes, void of hurt or anger, were soft as he looked up into mine.

  Charlotte, the reason I haven’t had a serious girlfriend before is… I’ve never found anyone I fell for like I have for you. Most of the girls I’ve known have been the same: shallow and materialistic. But I knew the second I saw you at the block party that you were different.

  Yeah, that’s a nice way to say it.

  Whoever has told you that your difference is wrong is stupid. I see under those walls you build around yourself. I’ve never met anyone so real. And Char, you are so beautiful, as much on the inside as you are on the outside.

  He smiled up at me as my eyes grew misty. All my insecurities melted away as he looked into the depths of my soul and found the person I had worked so hard to hide, to protect from more hurt.

  Charlotte Pryor, will you be my girlfriend? My very first.

  Ezra waited for my answer. It felt as though the warmth of his hands enveloped my heart and cracked through its hardened exterior.

  Yes, I will, Ezra Blake.

  His teeth gleamed in the morning light shining through the window as he bent to kiss the top of my hands, his soft, warm lips igniting electricity through my arms.

  I could see his desire to kiss me as he tilted his head upward to mine, his eyes lingering on my lips. But instead of leaning in toward my mouth, he stood up and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. Wow, was I now dating Mr. Darcy? It was enough to make my knees shaky.

  Finally. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I met you.

  You’re lying.

  Ezra enthusiastically returned to his seat on the wall next to me and nodded his head in confirmation.

  Yes, it’s true. You don’t think I buy shake-ups for just anyone, do you? That’s a big commitment.

  You’re ridiculous.

  As we sat laughing next to one another, I realized how I loved the deep rumble of his chuckle reverberating from his chest. It was such a joyful, warm, and infectious sound. Or maybe it was just me.

  So, what are you planning on doing, Char? Hiding in your dorm for the next three and a half years?

  Well, he’s two years older than me so I only have to hide for another year and a half.

  Come on. You can’t just stay up here all the time. How is your boyfriend supposed to take you on dates if you’re a hermit?

  I know, I know. Just give me time to figure something out, okay? Until then, I’m going to be careful who I hang out with in public.

  He seemed satisfied with the answer before cautiously posing his next question.

  Do you want to tell me about him? About your brother?

  I nodded my head in surrender, searching for words I had hidden away a decade ago.

  Well, like I said Mason is two years older than me. He was ten and I was eight when my mom left. He was the opposite of me: sociable, liked by everyone, and generous. Growing up, he was my protector. When kids were mean at school or I fell off my bike, he was there.

  Ezra quietly listened, his eyes searching my face as I focused on the comforter in front of my crossed legs.

  Deep down, I guess I always feared my mom would leave. She never really seemed happy. But he was everything to me. He was my best friend and my comfort when I had nightmares. Then, suddenly he was gone.

  And you felt you had to take care of yourself.

  Yes. I thought I would never see him again and tried my best to forget him. But when I saw him in the café, those repressed feelings rushed back all at once.

  My eyes were misty as I relived the pain my brother leaving had caused, Ezra’s thumb rubbing against the top of my hand.

  When they left, I was heartbroken. Then, I became bitter and angry. And now, he’s back. I have no idea if he wants anything to do with me, but I don’t want him.

  Then, we’ll stay here until we know.

  Thank you, Ezra. I’m sorry for involving you in family drama.

  Family. Were we still considered that or did total abandonment mean you gave up that title?

  Oh, you should see my family. Did you not read my texts over Christmas break? I thought I was going insane. Maybe I would have if I didn’t have my sister there.

  I thought to myself what Christmas would be like if my mom and brother never left. There wouldn’t be fighting; my mother had passed onto Mason a gentle spirit. Only in the last months of my parents’ marriage did I hear her raise her voice.

  Now, I’ve been dying for you to give me a personal tour of your new books. Do you mind?

  You don’t have to ask me twice.

  Wiping the tears which clung to my eyelashes, I slid from the bed and crouched in front of my bookshelf. As I pointed to different titles and pulled them from the shelves, Ezra laid on his stomach on the bed and listened intently.

  His focus was not mocking or artificial but one of genuine interest and admiration. My excitement over the cherished titles was no source of embarrassment as I educated Ezra on my newest assortment. If soul mates existed, Ezra was starting to fit the bill.

  Twenty

  On the morning of the first day of classes, there was a knock on the door of my dorm. Sophie and I looked at one another for explanation but she just shrugged and continued applying eyeliner.

  Since it was time for me to leave for class anyway, I grabbed my backpack and answered the door. On the other side, Ezra was leaning against the doorframe with his bag thrown over one shoulder and his hair messily styled on top.

  He wore a charcoal gray sweater which made his eyes pop, dark blue jeans, and his stylish wool coat. I smelled the fresh scent of soap and cologne as I stood smiling up at him. He must shower in the morning.

  Oh my gosh. Were these the things girlfriends thought about all the time? My goodness, it sounded like a romance novel playing in my head. Would the next thing be a soft caress of my cheek followed by the flutter of my eyelashes?

  I wanted to walk you to your first class. Are you ready to go?

  Ezra broke me from my train of thought as I turned to say goodbye to Sophie.

  See you later, Soph.

  Bye, babe. Ezra, do you remember all your comments about Nate and I being gross? Prepare for revenge.

  Oh, hey, Soph. Sorry, you caught me off guard. I’m not used to seeing you without your mask on. And I’m not too worried. It’s hard for you to say anything with Nathan’s tongue down your throat.

  Quickly, Sophie grabbed a shoe from the floor beside her and threw it at Ezra’s head. He dodged it and calmly held out his hand for me to take.

  Now, if you don’t mind, I have to walk my girlfriend to class. By the way, Soph, your eyeliner is smeared.

  She turned quickly to the mirror to check her makeup before Ezra closed the door behind me. From the months of bickering between the two, I had learned to shake my head and laugh.

  I swear if you guys were left in a room alone for five minutes, only one of you would walk out.

  And that person would be?

  Oh, no. You’re not making me choose sides.

  Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte. You always choose the boyfriend. No matter what.

  Even a fight between you and a gorilla?

  Boyfriend.

  You and a t-rex?

  Boyfriend. See the length of these arms? Hands down, boyfriend.

  Ezra stretched his long arms in front of him as if he had to prove his abilities to me.

  I don’t know. They have those big teeth and jaws. It would eat your arms and the rest of you for a snack. />
  But I’ll die knowing my girlfriend was betting on me.

  That’s all that matters, right?

  My laughter echoed through the staircase as we made our way out of the building and into the courtyard. Luckily, the bitter wind was gone today, the sunshine slightly warm against my face in the freezing temperatures.

  Ezra smiled down at me, the morning light illuminating his face. I felt as his hand slid around mine, the warmth of his skin radiating up my arm. Why had I fought so hard to avoid this, this feeling of euphoria I felt when I was with him?

  Thank you for lying to Sophie and Nate the other day about why I left the café so suddenly. I’m just not ready for everyone to know about Mason.

  Food poisoning does come on suddenly, doesn’t it?

  Absolutely.

  What class do you have this morning?

  Intro to English Literature.

  Ooh, are you excited?

  Yeah, I’ll finally get to enjoy an English class without a boy chasing after me the whole time.

  Well, let me know if there is such a boy because I will gladly introduce myself to him.

  Jealousy, Ezra? It’s unbecoming of you.

  I squeezed his hand in jest and pulled myself closer to him, tucking my other hand in the bend of his elbow. If for nothing else, boyfriends provided much-needed warmth in the winter.

  How are you always so warm?

  I sold my soul to the devil.

  Just for warmth?

  Oh no, just the normal requests… walk on water, live forever, and flying. Why? Should I have asked for something different?

  No, I think you pretty much covered it.

  Disappointment weighed heavy on my heart as we approached my classroom. As I turned to say goodbye to Ezra, I realized he was holding his hand open between us. In his palm was a paper folded into a triangle with my name on it.

  Girlfriends and boyfriends write notes, right? Now, I am not a writer like you but I think I set the bar pretty high.

  Did you now?

  Absolutely. And this is just the first of many boyfriend activities I am planning so get ready. I’m going to rock your socks off.

  That will not work for me. My feet are always cold. How about mittens?

  You don’t wear mittens.

  I’ll buy a pair. I’m really invested in keeping my socks on.

  Fine. I’m going rock your mittens off. No, just doesn’t work. We’ll find something though. I will use all of my focus in class to figure it out.

  Oh, I’m so glad that is your top priority in college. So many students don’t have their priorities straight. But that’s what I like about you. You have a good head on your shoulders.

  Thank you. I always thought my head was one of my most attractive features.

  In the midst of our witty banter, I heard the teacher clear his voice from inside the classroom. His bulky mustache was nearly as intimidating as the scornful look he gave us from his desk.

  I better get to class.

  Ezra stepped backward out of the teacher’s sight and made an exaggerated expression of fear. He pretended to evade the teacher as he continued glancing down the hall, turning the corner quickly and ducking out of sight.

  I could see every day with him would prove interesting. With a smile on my face, I walked into the classroom and found my seat, disregarding the gruff demeanor of the teacher altogether.

  Nothing could bring me down today.

  *****

  Despite the lack of support for my relationship with Ezra, the English teacher ended up being insightful and entertaining for the hour and half class.

  As I fumbled with my cellphone after class, I walked haphazardly through the hallways. I sent a message to Ezra seeing if he could join me for coffee between classes. When my finger hit send, I glanced up to find a familiar face walking toward me in the hall. Mason.

  His eyes were focused on me as we prepared to pass one another. Yet, as soon as I began to breathe again, he took a sharp turn and started to walk alongside me.

  Charlotte, are you going to keep avoiding me?

  Yes.

  Can we just talk?

  I think you gave up that right ten years ago, don’t you?

  Look, I think I have a right to explain.

  My body trembled with rage as I stopped in my tracks, spinning on my heel to face him with my finger pointed in the air.

  No, you don’t. You gave up your rights to have anything to do with me when you left without a word, Mason. So just do us both a favor and leave me alone.

  Lottie…

  I had begun to walk away when he called me the nickname only my family knew. My jaw was clenched as I turned to face him yet again. Much to my irritation, his expression was vulnerable and patient.

  Don’t call me that. My name is Charlotte and you never met me until now. I’m an only child. I don’t care who you are, as long as it has nothing to do with me. Don’t talk to or about me. Don’t touch me. And don’t ever think I owe you the time of day.

  Mason was silent as I marched away from him, my head held high as my insides dragged across the floor. For so long, the bitterness and anger inside of me had fantasized of telling him off. But now, in the aftermath of my words, I felt sick to my stomach.

  My sudden shift in mood was immediately evident to Ezra as I stalked into the café and sat at the table in front of him. Not even the smell of coffee could cheer me up now.

  What the heck did that teacher do to you?

  It wasn’t the teacher.

  Ezra’s eyes never left mine as I recanted the conversation between me and Mason. Instead of the sympathy I expected from him at the end of my story, I found fury in his eyes, the stormy blue of his irises churned.

  Why would he feel it was okay to approach you out of nowhere at school to explain the last decade he’s been gone?

  That’s what I’m saying. I don’t think I have ever been angrier. I’m still shaking.

  Well, I doubt he’ll try anything again after you told him off.

  Yeah, I hope so.

  And if he does, you call me and I’ll be there.

  Ezra reached across the table and put his hand around mine as I rubbed my thumbs together anxiously.

  It’s going to be okay, Char.

  I nodded my head, not totally convinced of his reassurance. Even if Mason left me alone, I would relive the pain of him leaving every time I saw him in the hall or attended the same events. There was only so much avoidance possible when we went to the same school.

  What do you want to do tonight?

  Would you hate me if I told you I wanted to stay in my dorm?

  No, it’s totally understandable. Plus, my math teacher just assigned us a ton of busy work. You mind helping me with that, Char?

  You’re on your own, buster.

  Hey, but I thought that’s the excuse we used when we wanted to hang out together. Isn’t that the excuse you used?

  I did not make that up, Ezra. I really did need help with math!

  Mmhmm... I bet you did. If I recall, you aced your exam. Perhaps it was all a ruse. Turns out, you’re brilliant at math.

  You got me. I actually won awards in high school for math.

  I knew it.

  I just couldn’t help myself. You have been irresistible from the start, Ezra Blake.

  It was amazing how one conversation with Ezra could entirely wash away the bitter taste left from Mason. He was exactly what I needed and it took me months to finally realize it. What a stubborn, foolish girl I was.

  Twenty-One

  What does Ezra have planned for Valentine’s Day?

  Sophie laid on her pillow under the covers facing me, her face freshly cleaned of makeup and her hair loose on the pillow.

  I have no idea. He won’t tell me.

  Hopefully, it’s different from your usual activities, going to class and then hanging out in the dorm all night.

  The guilt I held in not telling Sophie the truth about Mason surfaced as she ment
ioned my hiding. Ezra had been amazing the last month as I did my best to avoid Mason. We read together, watched movies, talked, and laughed. On several occasions, he brought coffee or dinner for us to enjoy in our hideout.

  As an introvert, I enjoyed the one-on-one time we spent together without the judgment of others. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel like Ezra’s more social demeanor was missing the outside world. Which was exactly why I agreed to go beyond the confines of the dorm for our Valentine’s date.

  What about you and Nathan? Does he have any plans?

  He’s taking me to that super nice Italian restaurant on Grand Avenue. He knows his woman has expensive taste.

  Nice. I heard their lasagna is to die for.

  Eh, I’m more of a ravioli girl myself. Cuter bites.

  I chuckled as I placed the book I was reading on my bedside table and turned the lamp off. Rolling onto my back, I looked up at the ceiling in the dark, the dim moonlight stretching across its surface.

  Although I was nervous to leave the security of my dorm, I was excited to see what Ezra had in store for me tomorrow.

  *****

  My phone woke me up the morning of Valentine’s Day. It was a text from Ezra.

  EZRA: Happy Valentine’s Day, Char! Can’t wait to see you.

  I smiled as a read the message, sliding out of bed into my slippers. Sophie was still asleep, her back toward me and her face buried under the blanket.

  My slippers scuffed against the carpet as I walked to the bathroom and turned on the hot water in the shower. By the time I stepped out of the shower, I heard Sophie moving around in the bedroom.

  Over the course of the next hour, I straightened my hair and chose an outfit: skinny jeans, brown shin-high boots, a cream-colored sweater, and a burnt orange scarf. My makeup, though simple, was tasteful with the neutral autumn colors which accented my dark features best.

  As I slipped on my boots and prepared to text Ezra, I heard a knock on the door. Sophie and I looked at one another, both excited for the possibility of our boyfriend’s arrival.

  With disappointment spread across her face, Sophie opened the door the rest of the way to display Ezra on the other side. Under his coat, he wore a dark green button-up and jeans with two to-go cups of coffee in his hands.