Conflicted

by Heather Dahlgren

  “You do?” She slowly nods her head.

  “Becca, you have to know that in the beginning I really thought this was exactly what we both needed. Hell, I’ve waited for you for longer than I can remember.” We both chuckle, but I need to continue. “It’s just the longer we are together, the less it feels like a relationship. I feel like we are together because that is what everyone expects. Campbell and Kenz, Young and Maddie, Dick and Becca, but we can’t be together just because that’s what everyone expects.” She wipes away a tear, and my heart breaks.

  “I’m not crying because I disagree with you. I’m crying because I agree. I thought this is where I belonged, with you, but it feels forced now. It’s like we are just sticking it out to make everyone happy; meanwhile, we aren’t.” I pull her to me and hug her.

  “Becca, I love you. I want you to know that.” She is softly crying in my shirt, and I stroke her hair.

  “I know that, Dick. I love you too.” I kiss the top of her head and rest my chin on it.

  “I’m just not in love with you.” She giggles and kisses my chest.

  “I’m not in love with you either.” We break apart, I wipe her tears, and we smile at each other.

  “You know you are one of my best friends, and that is something I promise you will never change. You know that, right? This relationship we had, it changes nothing about how I feel for you as one of my best friends. I will always protect you and love you.” She squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek.

  “Dick, I feel the exact same way. Thank you for being the one to be able to do this. It’s been a long time coming.” This time I squeeze her hand.

  “I told you I’ll always protect you.”

  “So, when are you going home?” I tell her what I’ve already told Campbell, and she listens to me like the amazing friend she is.

  “Alright, well I can make sure you don’t lose your job. You tell me how long you need, and I will guarantee you get it.” I pick her up and hug her tight.

  “You bad ass lawyer. I fucking love you. After I talk with Connie, I’ll call you and we can figure that all out.” She looks up at me and starts to laugh. “What’s so funny?”

  “Who’s going to tell them about us?” She points to her door. We both fall into hysterics.

  “I’ll do it. I’m leaving anyway.” We continue to laugh. When we stop, we just look at each other and smile. It’s like we are saying good-bye to this relationship without words, but welcoming back our friendship. It’s the happiest I’ve been in months. Until my phone rings.

  When Dick’s phone rings, I know I should give him privacy. I go to open the door, and he holds his hand on it. I look over at him and raise my eyebrows. “I was going to give you privacy.” He shakes his head no, as he answers his phone. I sit down on my bed and watch him pace my room holding the phone with one hand and squeezing his neck with the other. My heart breaks for what he is going through. I had no idea that his father was such a loser. It all makes sense why he never talked about him, but raved about his mom and sisters.

  “Connie, please stop crying. I will be there as soon as I can.” His poor sisters. I’ve never met them, but I did talk to Connie a handful of times. She is such a sweet girl. I need to make sure that when I draft up the paperwork today asking for this time that I add how much his younger siblings need him. I shake my head because I am amazed that we just broke up, and it just feels so right. It was never going to work with us, and I’m so thankful that both of us are able to see that. He deserves someone who is going to love everything about him. I wish it could have been me, but it’s not. We weren’t destined to be together, not like that. Our friendship is another story.

  Dick hangs up the phone and stares out the window. “What happened? How’s your mom?” He slowly turns, and tears are in his eyes. I rush over to give him a hug. He wraps his arms around me and sighs.

  “She’s alright. A busted lip, broken nose, and bruised ribs. Connie said she has quite a few bruises forming on her arms and face as well. Thankfully, she pressed charges on my dad, so that is a fucking relief. I need to get out there, Becca.” I squeeze him tighter and pull away.

  “I just need to get dressed, and I’ll go handle it all. I can probably have you out of here tomorrow. How long would you like me to request your leave for?” I rush over to my closet to grab my suit and throw it on quickly before coming back out. I look over at him, and he is leaning against the window looking outside. I walk over and lightly touch his arm. He looks over at me and tries to force a smile.

  “I’m not sure how long, Becca. Definitely a few weeks. The longer, the better.” I just nod my head and figure I’ll request three months. If they deny that, I’ll go for two. I don’t see why it would be a problem. I’ll fight for it, if need be. He needs to be with his family. “Thank you for everything. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I’m going to try and get some sleep, but when everyone gets home tonight, we can sit down with them all, and I’ll tell them everything.” He walks over and kisses my forehead. Without another word, he leaves, and I rush to get ready so I can take just a little of his stress away.

  I just got off the phone with Dick’s captain, and he approved the three months, starting today. He said not a day longer, so he needs to take care of everything as quickly as possible and get back here to keep his position. I assured him that Dick would be back and he loves his job too much to lose it. I dial Dick to tell him the good news and let him know he should book his flight as soon as possible.

  “Hello?” Shoot, sounds like I woke him.

  “Sorry, Dick, did I wake you?” I look at my watch and realize it is almost four o’clock, but he hadn’t gotten any sleep, so it’s possible.

  “No, I only slept for a few hours. What’s up?” Crap. That means he sounds like that from being upset. Hopefully, this news will help some.

  “I talked to your captain, and he approved leave for three months, not a day longer. It starts today, so get your flight booked now.”

  “Holy shit, Becca, thank you so much. I fucking love you. This is such a relief you have no idea how worried I’ve been.” I smile at the victory of it all.

  “Well, you’re not the only one who can help out a friend. Have you talked to Campbell or Young? I think we should all do dinner tonight before you leave.” He chuckles on the other end and it makes me smile even bigger.

  “Why, Becca Sinclair, so I can tell everyone we broke up?” We both laugh this time.

  “No! Well yes, but that’s not why I want us to all have dinner, you jerk. I want us all to hang out before you leave.” I am doodling on my legal pad when Jeff walks in. I look up and hold up my finger to let him know I’ll be just a minute. He nods and sits down.

  “You got it. We will all do dinner tonight and talk about everything. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.” I can hear the smile in his voice, and it makes me happy.

  “You’re welcome. Now go book that flight.” We hang up, and I look up at Jeff. “What’s up?” For the next two hours, we go over the evidence we have for a new case, and it is the most relaxed I’ve been in months.

  I get home after five o’clock. As soon as I close the front door, Kenz and Maddie come rushing over. “Fuck, Becca. We’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day. Answer your fucking phone. We were worried.” I give Maddie a confused look and pull out my cell phone. I can’t believe it, but it was off.

  “I’m so sorry, girls. I didn’t realize my phone was off. What’s wrong?” I put my purse down and head to the kitchen to grab a drink.

  “You tell us. Campbell told me about Dick’s dad. That’s fucked up. He also told me that Dick came over here at the butt crack of dawn to talk to you. So again, you tell us.” Damnit. I don’t want to tell them. Dick is supposed to do it. But what choice do I have now? I carry my soda over to the couch, and they rush over and sit down beside me. I can’t help but laugh, and they both look at each other.

  “I’m sorry. You guys are just ridiculous. Alright
, I’ll tell you, even though Dick and I wanted to tell you together. Do you want to wait?” Maddie hits me in the face with a pillow.

  “What the fuck kind of question is that? No, we don’t want to wait. Spill it, Becca.” I pull my legs up under me and turn to face them. They both look worried so I smile to assure them I’m good.

  “Dick and I broke up.” They both start talking at the same time, and I just hold up my hand. “It’s what we both wanted. It wasn’t the same anymore. We both felt like we were forcing the relationship, and that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’ll find my Prince Charming; it just isn’t Dick.” They both hug me, and I smile at how lucky I am to have these amazing girls in my life. “This was easier than I thought. I was afraid you guys would give us a hard time.” We all break apart and laugh.

  “You’re such a fucking idiot. We all just want you and Dick happy. If you weren’t happy together, then we wouldn’t force you. I mean it’s going to be weird, and it kinda sucks, but if you guys are happy, that’s all that matters. We will gladly break in two new victims, I mean friends.” Kenz and I laugh at Maddie, and she just lifts her shoulder.

  “I agree, Becca. You should have told us. I had an idea that things weren’t going so good, but I wanted to hear it from you. If this is what you guys want, than it’s for the best. You both deserve to find true love, like Maddie and I have.” I do deserve it, and I will find it, it just may be a while.

  About an hour later, the guys all come over, and we order pizza. A part of me is sad because I know this will be the last time we all hang out for a while. Dick is definitely going to be missed by us all. “Listen, I need to talk to you guys.” We all look over at Dick, and he winks at me. I smile, and even though the girls already know, it’s still a relief to know that everyone will now know. “I think you all know the situation with my folks.”

  “Yea, Dick, I’m so sorry. We are here if you need anything, you know that.” He smiles at Kenz but just continues.

  “With Becca’s help, I was able to get some time off work. I’m going to fly home tomorrow and take care of some things.”

  “How long will you be gone?” He looks at Maddie and smiles.

  “Three months.”

  “Three fucking months. Fuck, we are going to miss you. Truth or dare just won’t be the same.” I look at Young and shake my head. What an idiot.

  “Definitely won’t be the same without you, but we understand. What time is your flight?” Campbell is always so relaxed when it comes to things, well, except for when Kenz got attacked. But who the hell didn’t freak out.

  “Nine a.m. flight out of JFK straight through to Kentucky. I’ll hit you guys up once I’m all settled.”

  “Don’t worry, we will take good care of Becca for you.” Young blows kisses at me, and I can’t help but laugh.

  “That’s the other thing.” He looks at me, and we smile at each other. “Becca and I decided we are better off as friends. It just wasn’t meant to be for us. We are good with it. This is what we both wanted, so don’t start running your fucking mouth, Young.” Young grabs his chest in mock offense.

  “Hey, I wouldn’t say shit. I mean, if Becca doesn’t want dick anymore, who are we to question it?” Everyone laughs, even me at that reference.

  “She still wants dick, just not his.” Oh, my God. Leave it to Maddie.

  “Great, can we move on from this topic? Dick and I are very happy to be just friends.”

  Finally, the pizza gets there, and we all eat together cracking jokes at Dick’s expense.

  “I have to say, we really are going to miss the shit out of you, Dick. You make sure you keep us posted on everything, and get back as soon as possible.” He takes a bite of pizza and nods at Kenz.

  “I promise to keep in touch. I just need to be with my mom and sisters right now. I’ll be honest; I wish I could get them to move closer. I know my mom won’t come to New York, but Campbell and Kenz, you guys grew up in New Jersey. She’d love it there.” They agree that she would love it there, and they said they would get in touch with a real-estate agent they know. It would be amazing for Dick if his mom and sisters lived closer.

  The next few hours, we sit and talk about all the things we’ve done together, the laughs, the dares, and even the heartaches. Finally, Dick says he needs to get some sleep. I don’t know about the other guys, but I hate to see this night end. It means the ending of things as we knew it. It may never be only the six of us together again. Who knows what will happen in the three months Dick is gone. I could find my Prince Charming, and he could find his princess.

  “Hey, guys. Before everyone goes to bed, can we get a picture of the six of us? I’d like to have that.” We all pile onto the couch, smashed together, legs on top of legs, hands touching parts we shouldn’t be, and Young clicks the picture on his phone. He shows us, and it’s perfect. It’s us, just the six of us.

  I’m sitting on the plane getting ready for takeoff. Campbell and Young brought me this morning, and I have to admit it was tough saying goodbye to them. The five of them are my family, as well, and leaving hurts. I look at the picture of the six of us on my phone and smile. They really are the best friends anyone could ask for. The pilot announces we are getting ready to taxi the runway. I plug in my ear buds and close my eyes. I hope I can just sleep on the flight.

  Next thing I know, I feel a tap on my arm. I open my eyes, and the flight attendant smiles at me. I pull out my ear buds and clear my sleep-filled throat. “Sir, I wanted to let you know we will be landing in a few minutes and to buckle up.” Damn¸ I really did sleep the entire flight.

  “Thank you.” She nods and goes off to the next sleeping passenger. I blow out a breath because I’m anxious to get to my family. Connie is picking me up at the airport, and we have an hour drive to the house. The plane thankfully lands with no problem, and before I know it, I’m waiting at the baggage claim. I grab my suitcases and turn to look for Connie. I see her running toward me, so I drop my bags and catch her when she reaches me. I hug her so tight I’m sure I’m hurting her, but I’ve missed her so damn much.

  “Damn, Keith, I’ve missed you. Can you not squeeze so tight though?” I laugh and put her down.

  “Sorry, I’ve just missed you so damn much. You look amazing.” She smiles and squeezes my bicep.

  “Looking pretty good yourself, big brother. How are things with Becca?” I pick up my bags and tell her I’ll fill her in on the ride. For the next hour, we talk about everything from failed relationships to TV shows. Connie’s been quiet, so I nudge her arm.

  “What are you in deep thought about?” She glances over at me and gives me a fake-as-shit smile. “Connie, come on.” She sighs and grips the wheel a bit tighter.

  “What if we are destined to always have shitty relationships? I mean, think about it. We didn’t have the best example of a loving relationship growing up. What if we never find love?” I reach over and squeeze her shoulder.

  “Connie, we both know exactly what we don’t want in a relationship. I don’t think our failed love life has anything to do with Mom and Dad. I think it’s just that we haven’t found the right person yet. You will. We both will. Don’t let yourself think it has anything to do with them; it doesn’t. I promise you.” She lightly laughs and looks at me with tears in her eyes.

  “I love when you’re home. You always seem to make things better.” Well, shit, that means the world to me.

  “Thanks. I told you I would always do what I can to protect you. I just want to see you happy, and maybe while I’m here, we can go to the bar and find your Mr. Right.” She laughs.

  “Keith, you can’t meet the love of your life in a bar.” I smile and think how wrong she is.

  We pull up to my childhood home a few minutes later. I am immediately furious when I see how awful it looks. It needs repairs, new paint, and a new roof. The lawn looks like a bunch of fucking over grown weeds. My father is a real asshole to let it get like this. He’s done nothing, and my mom can’t be expecte
d to do it all. I try to hold back my anger when Connie looks at me and smiles. “Mom is going to be so excited. I didn’t tell her you were coming home.” She giggles and gets out of the car. I chuckle and shake my head while I open the car door. I look around again and realize just how badly I need to get my family to move closer. I need to get them out of this shithole.

  I grab my bags and follow Connie to the front door. A flood of memories comes pouring back. All the times I’ve sat on this front porch waiting for friends or girls, or just trying to avoid what was happening inside. Connie unlocks the door, and we walk in. Every time I am here, it is like I’ve gone back in time. Nothing in this house has changed since I was a kid. My mom still has the horrible floral couches with the stains on them, the brown carpet that I’m sure was tan at one point, the yellowing walls from my father’s smoking, and our school pictures hanging on the wall. I drop my bags by the door, and we head toward the kitchen. “Do you want a drink?” I smile at Connie and pull her into a hug. She wraps her arms around my waist and starts to cry.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just so overwhelming. Every time I’m in this kitchen now, I watch it all play out in front of me again.” I kiss the top of her head, and we let go.

  “I’m here now. I’ll make sure everything is taken care of. How about we go surprise Mom, and I’ll treat you guys to lunch?” She wipes her tears and smiles.

  “Sounds good. Come on, she’s probably in bed. When she takes one of the pain pills, it knocks her out.” We walk down the short hallway to my mom’s bedroom, and Connie knocks. “Mom?” She pushes the door open, and there is my mom sound asleep. I walk in, and my knees almost buckle. She looks worse than I expected. She’s got bruising all over her face. You can see her spilt lip with dried blood on it, and the dark circles under her eyes make me wonder if it’s lack of sleep or more bruising. Connie sits on the bed and touches her shoulder. My mom jumps, completely startled. “Sorry, Mom, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She hasn’t noticed me yet, so I just stand quietly. She reaches up and tucks Connie’s hair behind her ear.