Honey Buns and Homicide: A Funny Culinary Cozy Mystery (Mom and Christy's Cozy Mysteries Book 6)

by Christy Murphy

  “Is she under arrest?” the man from the dead body reenactment said.

  “This isn’t your concern, sir,” the officer said.

  “I’m a lawyer, and a friend of Christy’s,” he said, standing up. His name tag read Herbert. “I’m not her official counsel, but if she’ll allow me, I can represent her in the interim.”

  “Yes,” I said without even waiting to be asked. “You can start right now.”

  The officer exhaled. “No, she’s not under arrest. But we would like her to answer some more questions.”

  “Should we decide we have something to share, we can arrange a time for her to come and meet you,” my new attorney said.

  “Listen, we don’t need to get all formal—” the officer began.

  “Hey there, Tom!” DC interrupted. I’d been so consumed with fear that I hadn’t noticed him come in. “Heard you might be here.”

  “I know this is your neck of the woods, but the crime happened on our side of the hill,” Officer Tom said.

  DC stepped close to the man to talk, so I got closer to listen. “Listen, she’s a close friend of mine. Is it serious?”

  “We just want to clarify a few things,” Officer Tom said, but his face and his silent partner gave me the impression that things were serious.

  I didn’t like how things were going down, and the silent officer unnerved me. Was he the Teller to the other guy’s Penn?

  “You gotta think the boyfriend’s good for it,” DC said to Tom, his voice low.

  “Yeah, and he wants to get back together with her, so,” Officer Tom said.

  DC glared at me.

  “We divorced,” I said. “That would be like escaping hell and going back because I missed the scalding weather.”

  “She has no further comment,” Herbert piped in before I said something worse. “You can give us your card.”

  The two officers nodded, and the silent one pulled a card out of his pocket. Not the best card trick, Teller.

  “I’ll walk with you guys,” DC said, and the three of them headed to the door.

  “Who was the cute one not in in uniform?” the new reader group member asked Jerri.

  “The love interest,” Lacey said. “He’s a detective.”

  “That’s so perfect. I hope they get together in the end,” the new lady said.

  I hoped so too, but I’ll be honest. It was upsetting to feel like I might be suspected of attempted homicide. And yet hearing my police detective boyfriend refer to me as a “good friend” instead of “girlfriend” hit me harder than Pacquiao hit Hatton. And I only know that boxing reference because I’m Filipino. It’s required by law.

  “Do you really think they’re going to arrest me?” I asked Herbert, my new lawyer.

  “They would’ve done it if they had enough evidence,” he said. “But then again I’m an intellectual property attorney. I mostly do patent work. I can put out the word to some friends and see if I can come up with a recommendation for a criminal attorney for you.”

  “We’ll contact you if we need that,” Mom said. “But we should have this case solved before they get enough evidence to arrest my daughter.”

  “Okay everybody,” Mom said to the group. “We’ve got to interview some suspects before the kid here gets hauled into the clink.”

  “Gotta keep the po-po from taking her to the pokey,” Wenling said. She loved using slang.

  “Where are we going?” I asked Mom.

  “Sherman Oaks General Hospital,” Mom said. “They might be waiting for news on Honey.”

  “How did you know she was taken there?” I asked.

  “Wiley Jenner’s column,” Rebecca said from her seat at the table next to us.

  I hadn’t read the story. I’d been busy being mortified at the photos and cellphone footage. Well, at least there was one good thing about that column. We had a lead.

  Through the glass storefront I spotted DC across the street waving goodbye to the officers. I hoped he’d come back in to tell me what they said, but he got into his truck and drove away. What a punch in the gut! Hatton had it better. He got knocked out in the second round. I had no idea how many rounds I’d have to go with DC and this case.

  FACE OFFS AND FLATUS

  The hospital was gigantic. I had no idea how we were going to track down Honey in this place.

  Mom pointed to the gift shop. “Let’s go in there.”

  “Good. I need a snack,” Wenling said. “I skipped lunch.”

  I didn’t know why we were going into the gift shop, but Wenling’s snack idea sounded good to me. My stomach was starting to murmur at me about missing lunch.

  “Four dollars for a small bag of cashews,” Wenling said. “They can charge anything in this place. People are desperate. I wonder how much the rent is.”

  “Maybe they have some peanuts that are cheaper,” Mom said.

  Wenling proceeded to play the Price is Wrong with the other snacks in the store while holding the bag of cashews.

  Mom went over to the racks of flowers and started looking around. I followed her.

  “Do you have any money, kid?” Mom asked.

  “I have my credit card,” I said.

  “Great!” Wenling said, popping up behind me. “You can buy me these.” She handed me the pack of cashews and one of those fancy cold latte drinks in a bottle.

  “Haven’t you had enough coffee?” I asked.

  “No,” Wenling said, her expression daring me to argue. I didn’t and grabbed a bag of cashews for myself instead.

  Wenling looked at the flowers with Mom and said, “Get the balloons. They’re cheaper, and we don’t really like her.”

  The clerk at the store asked if she could help us.

  “Our friend is sick,” Wenling said. “But she’s not that good of a friend. Are the balloons cheaper than the flowers? It doesn’t have to be one of the ones with a stuffed animal. Just like a balloon on a stick will be fine.”

  I had to stifle a laugh. Wenling’s request took the cashier by surprise, and she led us to the cheapest arrangement of balloons. I charged all of our purchases, and we left.

  Mom approached the nearest counter with someone behind it. “We’re friends of Honey Paramore,” she said. “She came in last night after a car accident. Where do we go?”

  “Is she in critical condition or stable condition?” she asked.

  “Last we heard it was critical,” Mom said. “But that was last night. I hope she’s doing better.” Mom held up the sad Get Well Soon balloon on a stick.

  We got directions and when we got away from the booth I asked Mom how she knew Honey’s last name.

  “Facebook,” she said.

  The hospital worker had directed us to follow the blue line on the floor to the yellow line to the end of the hall. The only problem was the yellow line seemed to be missing.

  “Is that Robert?” Mom asked.

  Before I could answer, he recognized us and waved. He looked way too happy for the circumstances.

  “Sorry I haven’t been able to call you,” he said. “This whole accident business has taken up so much time. Interviews. Photo shoots. ‘Got a Match’ is climbing the charts.”

  Mom, Wenling, and I traded looks of disbelief. Was he really this heartless? How could I have ever married this guy?

  “Anyway,” he continued. “I’m glad you’re here. We should talk.”

  “We’re here to see Honey,” I said.

  “You know, the one that almost died in the car accident meant to kill you,” Wenling added.

  “That’s really classy of you guys,” Robert said and then turned to me. “Can we talk for like a minute?”

  I wanted to say no, but Mom whispered into my ear to get directions to Honey’s room and to find out what he knew about the accident.

  “Okay,” I said.

  The three of us stood there and stared at Robert. “Can I talk to Christy alone?”

  Mom and Wenling didn’t move until I gave them the nod that it
was cool. They left us alone, but sat on a bench not too far away.

  It was odd. The idea of talking to Robert made me nervous. He’d left me in the middle of the night without a word of warning. The only conversations we’d had since were arguments about the divorce.

  He’d never explained himself. I’d resigned myself to never having any type of civil conversation with him again. But here he was, smiling at me in the hallway of a hospital. My stomach churned with anxiety.

  “Listen,” he said. “I’m really sorry about what happened. You didn’t deserve it.”

  If I was ever going to get any kind of explanation now was the time. “I appreciate you saying that, but I’ve always wondered why.”

  He shrugged. “The truth is I didn’t think of it as a big deal at the time. In the moment, I thought since the lyrics came so easy for you that I could’ve just as easily written them.”

  “Wait! You’re apologizing about the song?”

  “I know no apology is really required because we settled it all in court, and now you’ve made so much money from it, so you should be thanking me, but still,” he shrugged. “I should have just given you credit from the start. I’m a big enough man to admit that now.”

  His absolute obliviousness stunned me. A million angry thoughts jumped into my mind that I couldn’t settle on any one thing to say.

  “But that’s all in the past, babe,” he said putting his hands on my shoulders. “Let’s talk about our future.”

  I stepped back and pushed his hands off of me. “Future! You cheated on me, Robert! And it wasn’t just with Honey and that groupie years ago either, was it?”

  “I know it was hard, but let’s start again. I see how you’re still jealous. That tells me you still feel something, and I get it. I feel it, too. There’s still something here.”

  “There isn’t.”

  Robert stepped closer to me again with a seductive expression on his face. “I think there is,” he said, his voice husky.

  Despite the fact that he was always very handsome and looked every bit the rock star in that moment, everything about him made my stomach turn.

  I glanced over to Mom and Wenling, and I remembered the whole reason I was talking to Robert in the first place. We had a case to solve. “What about Honey and the accident?”

  “She’ll be fine. And it’s probably the best thing to happen to you and me,” he said with yet another shrug.

  Shame burned in my gut. I’d been an idiot for ten years. I dropped out of college to help him with his dream. What a fool! But I needed to let that go and wise up. I had a new life.

  “What room is Honey in anyway?” I asked.

  “She’s just in that room over there,” he said, pointing to the room three doors down. “Nick and Dragon are in there now talking to her.”

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “Listen,” he said. “We’ve already got one big hit. There’s probably tons more where that came from.”

  That’s what all this flirty business was all about—songs. I’d gathered that from what his manager had told us at the restaurant that his new album just wasn’t as good as the last one.

  “But what about the person threatening your life?” I asked.

  “We don’t need that angle anymore,” he said. “This accident is much better publicity. It’s a shame you weren’t here for the photographer. Although, Madison says that we should distance ourselves from you for now. Then I can say I support you during your trial or if you go to jail. I’ll stand by you, no matter what.”

  “I can’t believe you,” I said.

  “Why get mad? You’re famous, babe.”

  “I’m not famous. I’m infamous. They’re calling me a killer bee.”

  Robert rolled his eyes.

  “Do you have any idea who might’ve really done this?” I asked. “Who wanted to kill you?”

  “I sort of thought you did it, babe. You know all about crime and stuff now, and you knew we were going to get together that night. I figured you wanted Honey out of the way.” Roberts shrugged his shoulders. “I was kind of flattered.”

  I stepped back again. “Are you crazy? I don’t want to get back together with you, and I would never hurt somebody.”

  “Okay, okay. Cool your jets,” he said. “If you’re innocent, then I’m sure Madison will figure out a way to spin it. She’s great. And you don’t have to be jealous. I broke up with Honey. It’s not like she died or anything. She’s fine.”

  Rage boiled in my stomach. He’d turned into a total narcissist. “I’m not jealous, and you’re a total jerk for breaking up with someone after they just got into an accident because someone wanted to kill you.”

  “You always were so dramatic. I guess that’s why you write such great lyrics. I guess I’ll accept that about you for now.”

  The part where he decided he’d accept me being dramatic “for now” almost made my head explode, but something else did. I’m trying to think of a way to put this politely. Let’s go with the phrase I broke wind—hurricane-force wind.

  I realize now that there’s a reason why they usually don’t serve mochas that large. It’s a matter of public safety.

  “Oh my God,” Robert said, placing his hand over his nose. “Was that you, babe?”

  Normally, I’d be totally embarrassed, but in that moment I wasn’t sorry at all.

  “Yeah,” I said without an ounce of shame. And then I added, “I think that expresses everything I have to say to you for the rest of our lives.”

  The disturbed and almost angry look on his face made me burst out laughing. It was the most satisfying ending to any discussion I’d ever had with Robert. I left him standing there horrified, in what we’ll call my wake.

  I walked over to Mom and Wenling and led the way to Honey’s room. We had a case to solve.

  NICK AND DRAGON were leaving Honey’s room just as we reached the door.

  “Oh, hey guys,” Nick said.

  Nick looked really upset. Dragon looked annoyed.

  “Come on, man,” Dragon said. “Let’s get out of here. The photoshoot ended over an hour ago.”

  “It’s cool of you guys to come,” Nick said. Mom and Wenling headed into the room ahead of me.

  “I’m not sure she’s going to want to see me,” I said.

  “I do,” Honey said from her bed. I waved bye to Nick and watched the two of them as they went down the hallway. I hesitated to turn around and talk to Honey. What should I say?

  “Man, it stinks out here,” Dragon said. A woman with a hipster hat had entered the hallway, wrinkled her nose, and headed in the opposite direction.

  Embarrassed, I shut the door and went to join Mom and Wenling at Honey’s bedside. Wenling presented the balloon on a stick. It looked even cheaper compared to the elaborate floral arrangements and stuffed animals in the room.

  “Wow,” Honey said. “That was really nice of you guys.” The sound of appreciation in her voice made me feel guilty. I’d come to clear my name and find out who really caused the accident, not really to wish her well. I wasn’t as selfish as Robert, but I was pretty darn selfish.

  “How are you feeling?” Mom asked.

  Honey’s eyes were puffy and red. She’d been crying.

  “The doctors say that I should be fine. I’ll just need some physical therapy for my back and neck. The arm,” she said, holding up her cast. “Isn’t as bad as it looks. It’s just a fracture. They reset it. Doctor says it might be healed in as soon as six weeks. Twelve weeks at the longest.”

  “At least you don’t have any scars on your pretty face,” Wenling said. “That would’ve been awful. But then sometimes when good-looking people get really bad face injuries, they have a whole new outlook on life. They’re much nicer.”

  My eyes widened. Had Wenling just said that?

  I was relieved when Honey laughed. “Yeah. Luckily I didn’t have to get scarred in the face to know I need to be much nicer.” She turned to me. “I’m sorry I was so horrible to you
,”

  Guilt sprang from my chest and lumped in my throat. I’d thought so many horrible things about Honey, but the truth was we had so much in common. “It’s okay,” I said, feeling stupid.

  “If it weren’t for the fact that my father had a lot riding on this new album, I would’ve never let them do that stupid photo shoot just now. Of course he dumped me after.”

  “At least your eyes weren’t all red and puffy in the photos,” Wenling said.

  Honey laughed again. “That is something. Those photos of our fight were awful!”

  “I hadn’t seen the ones of you,” I said. “I was too busy being mortified by my muffin top being exposed to the world,” I said.

  “I’m so sorry about that. I was so drunk and stupid,” Honey said. “If it’s any consolation,” she said, “he’s been cheating on me, and he just dumped me.

  “I’m know. I’m sorry about Fiona,” I said.

  “Fiona too?” Honey said, shaking her head. “He’s been having an affair with Madison for months.”

  “The publicist?” Mom clarified.

  “That’s her,” Honey said. “How did you find out about Fiona?”

  “Christy saw them making out in the parking lot the night of the release party,” Wenling said, eager to share the gossip.

  Honey shook her head. “I feel so stupid.”

  “I know how you feel,” I said.

  Honey burst into tears. “I can’t believe I was so stupid. He told me that you guys only married so that he could have health insurance. He’s such a user. I should’ve known.”

  “Tell me about it,” I said, feeling a bond forming between me and Honey.

  “I really didn’t think you wrote that song,” she said. “He brought it to me on Valentine’s Day, and he said he wrote it for me. He said you gave him a box of matches that inspired the title and he took it from there.”

  “He was with me on Valentine’s Day,” I said.

  “Not all night,” she said.

  “I really did write those lyrics,” I said.

  “I know. Everybody knows. The lyrics on the new album are so awful. He said you helped him with the other songs. Did you write those, too?”