Steamy Dorm

by Kristine Robinson

  According to Sarah, it’s because I am unsure if I want to ‘be her’ or to ‘be on her’. She is half-crazy, though. One can’t take the things she says seriously.

  Besides, I am quite sure I want to be on her.

  Disregard that last sentence. It is unimportant.

  “Your eyes,” I told her once, “Glitter like rare gemstones that grow off the tallest peaks of Mount Olympus. Only the gods themselves are worthy of staring at them. Aphrodite created you as a gift to some dumb king who didn’t think you were good enough. Your hair is like spun gold, and your lips are the deepest blood red.”

  Poetry can roll off the tongue when you are enamored with somebody. That was the first time I ever learned that lesson.

  I don’t know what possessed me to say such a thing out loud. That was the type of thing a girl should keep to herself.

  “Oh, You’re makin’ me blush!” She declared, a charming grin in place. “I gotta tell ya, the things that I think when I look at you, ain’t exactly poetry.”

  I felt my heart jump into my throat at her words. I didn’t want to think about why it affected me so much to hear her sugary sweet words. Or the way I couldn’t look at the suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows for more than a second while still thinking… at all.

  Chapter 4

  She was a gift from god. That’s what I have realized. Or a punishment. She could be the holder of Pandora’s box, or that dreaded Apple of Eve’s. Temptation personified. But, so much more than that as well.

  I was already tipsy while spending time with Sarah and Joanne. Sarah wanted us all to have a party night with just us girls.

  "Don't you think it's rude." God damned Joanne has to ruin everything. "To tease her like this, to tell her she maybe has a chance and strings her along? I mean, it looks like she's really, like, genuinely into you.”

  I gave her a dirty look and replied, “Of course, not. It’s not like she’s even really into me anyway.” I snapped immediately.

  Either way, she was not for me. Some other girl would come along. A girl who was more her speed. A surfer girl with soft blonde locks to match hers, a lilting voice as well. She would have the same toned body, but she would have chestnut brown eyes. The kind that Zoey told me she had a thing for.

  I didn’t care that the very notion of it actually hurt.

  It didn’t hurt.

  That is fine.

  It didn’t claw at my chest more than when I first met Miranda, and she was with some other woman. It didn’t tear me inside and out.

  It certainly didn’t make me crazy. The thought of her with another woman.

  Oh, who am I kidding?

  It made my blood boil and my skin itch. My teeth gnashed as I stalked out of our beach house, looking for her.

  Of Course. She was flirting with some other bleach blonde beach babe. Well, that girl couldn't have Zoey! She was MINE.

  I. Saw. Her. First!

  That was my exact thought process as I strode up to her, only caring about making sure she saw me and only me. I pulled on the shark tooth necklace she was wearing to tug her down to me.

  I forced my lips onto hers in an overly possessive and passionate manner. The fireworks had transformed into wild flames. They licked up the skin of my arm as I shivered. In a way, I would never have acted if I was thinking with my actual brain. Only one thought was running through my mind.

  I couldn’t let her just get over me!

  When I say kissed…Kissed may be the wrong word. I slammed our mouths together so hard that – had our noses bumped – we would have both had bloody noses.

  I pulled her closer to me and felt a smug sense of satisfaction as she relented, kissing me back immediately.

  Take that nameless woman who has yet to make her move! Zoey was all mine.

  My hands touched around the fabric of her shirt. I wanted to feel those supple breasts of hers in my hand. I wanted to utterly ruin her for anyone else. So she would never think twice about me.

  “Not out in the open,” She mumbled against my lips, leading me to her cabin. Leading isn’t the right word. Like some kind of Amazonian goddess, she picked me up as if I weighed nothing and carried me into her home. “Here, now we have some privacy.”

  This was the first time I had been in her home. I wasn’t paying any attention to the décor though. She’d distracted me too well.

  She plopped me unceremoniously onto the bed and then began kissing me again. Of course, I couldn’t allow her to continue with the belief that she was the one in control.

  I had to be in control. I had to make her feel so good that she never thought twice about her wish to be with me.

  Lips, teeth, and tongues clashing as my hands explored her body.

  She was just as bad as I am. Worse even. Her touches were more experienced and better in every conceivable way.

  When her hands finally reached exactly where I wanted them to go, her touch ghosting over my sensitive breasts, I had an epiphany. I couldn’t do this.

  It would hurt everyone in the process. Myself, Miranda, and yes, Zoey as well.

  It was better to just simply end it now.

  At least, that’s what I told myself as my lips formed a word that I really did not want to say to her. "No," I commanded, pushing her away from me.

  Her eyes were glazed over by hurt. I wanted to say something to make it all better. Comfort her and take away all the pain I laid upon her. But I could not.

  I couldn’t think of anything, so I ran. It wasn’t my proudest moment. I had just become what I hate most – a cheater – and I hurt somebody I care deeply about.

  And no matter what anyone says, it is entirely my fault.

  I almost did what is unforgivable.

  What kind of person am I?

  Chapter 5

  It’s been two weeks. I haven’t seen her since.

  Well, I’ve seen her multiple times. Honestly, It took me 5 days for me to build up my emotions enough to actually talk to her. It was so hard to actually say anything to her. I just blew up and ran from her.

  “Zoey,” I remember saying to her the next time I saw her. I almost gasped at the way her eyes hardened and she turned away.

  She didn’t even want to talk to me.

  I mean, I guess I deserved it.

  Joanne was right. I tugged her around.

  It’s not like she couldn’t do better than me.

  I just…

  It sucked. What could I even do to make everything better? Honestly, there is nothing I could do.

  I wanted to blame her.

  Zoey is unreasonable. Zoey doesn’t understand me. Zoey expects things from me when she was promised nothing. Why can’t Zoey just accept me for who I am?

  Okay, fine. I will admit it. This was completely my fault and nobody else’s.

  It definitely hurt that she didn’t even care to try and think about what I said. To hear me out at all.

  Chapter 6

  I never got to tell her the truth. Zoey even ignored my very existence when I was trying to tell her goodbye.

  I’m not even going to ever see her again.

  Leaving to go back home, my mind was in a daze. Home, such a stiff, difficult environment. Home. Where it’s me and Miranda… me and Miranda forever…No more chances to change my mind or think twice.

  Home.

  Without Zoey’s warm smile or laughing eyes. Without her crocodile tears played off for laughs. Without surfing practice or stupid puns or-

  NO!

  I don't care! Miranda and I are soulmates! That goes beyond passion.

  I’m noticing something troubling. That phrase feels less and less true every time I let it pass through my mind.

  No!

  Miranda and I will go the distance. We trust each other explicitly and would never do anything that could hurt either one of us.

  Miranda is an angel and loves me.

  Miranda… is waiting at the airport. Awww. And she’s holding a sign, labeled “The Best Dork”. That
is Miranda’s personal brand of affection. Being rude in a way that no one could be genuinely upset about it.

  When I got to her, she was talking my ear off. It’s strange. Like she’s a totally different person.

  She just chatted and talked about everything and anything.

  “What has gotten into you?” I blurted out, interrupting whatever she was saying.”You’re so… different!”

  “Well, I can trust you 100% now. I mean, I always had my doubts. I mean, you know what they say! Don’t say the vows until you are completely sure. And even though I feel bad about saying it, I have to say, I am so glad you passed!’

  I was no closer to understanding what she was saying. Sometimes I felt like a girl just deserves someone to explain what the heck is happening! “What on earth are you even talking about, Miranda?” I asked her.

  The curiosity I felt around Miranda was tinged with annoyance, even though the curiosity I felt around Zoey was pure intrigue. She was a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in the most chill and hottest girl I have ever run into.

  No. Come on. Rachel. Focus. No more Zoey. It’s all about Miranda.

  Who is it all about? Zoe-

  No!

  Not even my mind listens to me about the rational side of everything.

  “Well,” Miranda started. “I know you met Zoey. The perfect girl. You know, you described your perfect girl as exactly like her when we first met. I mean, I know I didn’t 100% get that I was into girls at the time, but it still really hurt to know how you are. I mean, it’s so predictable. It’s just like every single girl and dumb guy's dream. But, it still hurt to know I didn't match up to your standards. I guess it wasn't standards, though because it was more-"

  “MIRANDA!” I was quickly running out of any patience with my love. I was having an awful realization of just what she may have meant. It isn’t though! It can’t! “How do you know Zoey?”

  "Well, I hired her of course," Miranda replied with a roll of her eyes. She huffed. “It was easy. I just gave her money and gave her a picture of you. She was to seduce you. Don’t worry, she told me everything. You didn’t have a single moment of weakness! I love you so very much.”

  “You did WHAT?!”

  Chapter 7

  I looked into her eyes.

  She looked into mine.

  Chocolate brown clashed with bright blue.

  Blue eyes slowly widen and her mouth opens and closes as if she has something to say.

  “I can ex-” She began, trying to defend herself.

  “Don’t say a single word.” I ground out. Angrier than I have ever been. She actually believes… She can make amends for this. For not believing in us in any way?

  Every moment of looking into her deep blue eyes broke something in me. Made a monster come out. Twisting something inside me and shattering it into a new form. Ruining something I used to love inside me.

  I gave up a real chance at happiness.

  But no… that chance was never real.

  A manipulation by someone I thought loved me for me.

  There was no way to fix any of this. “I never want to see you again!” I snarled, taking my suitcases and walking to Joanne and Sarah’s house. They would let me stay there. At least until I got my own house.

  Honestly, It sort of hurt that she didn’t even try to fight for me.

  The thought made the knife in my chest twist just a little bit more. Am I not good enough to fight for? I’m clearly not good enough to trust… but I am sure I am not quite that awful.

  But on the other hand, I don’t think I could ever truly forgive her for that.

  I came back to get my stuff only when I was sure she was gone and she wouldn’t be back for quite some time.

  Call me a coward if you want, but I cannot help myself. She is the first real love of my life and it killed me inside to be apart from her.

  I packed up all the things that were mine. When the house was stripped bare of my belongings, I sighed, walking throughout the house.

  The walls were missing the art pieces that we picked up. I remember when we got them. We had first started dating years ago.

  We found our walls too bare to bear, and our pockets not nearly deep enough, and so we went to the flea market.

  Times were so much easier then.

  She would laugh at my silliness as I danced around the booths and picked out whatever suited my fancy at the time. I would do anything to make her laugh. Even make an idiot out of myself.

  With every step I took, I felt my heart get heavier and heavier. My limbs struggled to keep up with me as I gasped for breath.

  I nearly collapsed onto the old couch. I almost smiled. It was a disgusting camouflage patterned brown abomination that clashed with the rest of the house. But it was comfortable and that was all that mattered to us.

  So many good memories were made on that couch. The springs were worn from years of damage and it was covered in stains.

  It was where we would have our date - nights, watching bad movies until the break of dawn.

  The TV that we used to watch. I shoulda known we were not an actual true love couple by that. All other couples in romantic comedies were too in tune with each other to really pay attention to the television.

  For us, though, it was where we would live our lives.

  I had to leave!

  Staying in that house was too much for me. I couldn’t breathe anymore; my vision being blurred from salty tears.

  And so I did the most cowardly and infinitely pathetic thing I could have done.

  I called up Sarah and Joanne to come take me home as I bawled.

  Joanne had to pick me up like a little child and carry me crying into my new room. I can never show her enough gratitude for doing it without a single mocking thought.

  Chapter 8

  I did get the promotion I was hoping for before all this started. It feels so long ago when it wasn't even a full year left. It took a few more months. I can work from anywhere now.

  If I was still with her I’d have never actually gotten it. I would have had a reason to do other things, to be with the one I love. Since the… the incident… I threw myself into my work.

  If my mind is filled with numbers, I cannot hurt.

  If I am too busy, my mind will win over my heart. And though the wound in my heart will fester, I shall not feel it do so.

  If my soul is consumed by mathematical formulas, it cannot be consumed with a tidal wave of emotion that will slowly push me under, till I am stuck in a typhoon that will never allow me any escape or freedom.

  If I feel nothing, I cannot feel pain.

  It does not work that way, is what I eventually did learn.

  I lost my true love and my fiancée. NO! I mean I lost my true love and my fiancée. The comma infers two people.

  Miranda is the one I miss.

  Why is it I still can't bring myself to really believe that?

  My mind is consumed with memories of her.

  Of messy blonde hair and glittery eyes. Two eyes which are fascinatingly different, yet the color doesn’t matter. One could drown in the warmth and kindness in that soul.

  The lighthearted tone felt could bring a man of stone to melt into a pile of goo.

  And what is a girl to do?

  N…No… I meant iridescent blue eyes and striking crimson locks that-

  Memories of Miranda and I at the flea market morphed into memories of Zoey and I surfing the waves.

  Memories of bad movie nights were replaced by a blonde haired angel and me people-watching and making up stories for what their lives would be.

  The feeling of my first kiss with a girl, how it felt more right than anyone before, were blown away. Overtaken with memories of an electrified current that made my heart beat way too loud in my ears, my stomach clench and butterflies flutter all over.

  Pink chapped lips were replaced by the softest ruby red lips anyone had ever had the honor of tasting.

  Fine. I admit it.

>   At least to myself.

  I cannot lie to myself.

  The one I truly miss… is Zoey.

  Realizing this hits me with another tidal wave of emotion that I don't have the time, nor the patience to explore fully. How does a normal human process so many conflicting thoughts and emotions?

  It is impossible.

  Against the laws of nature, impossible.

  Against the natural law of the world.

  To love so much, so hard, and so fast.

  That isn't how love is supposed to be. A tide that slowly recedes until you feel safe wading into the water. The second you are in deep enough, it crashes into you. Your lungs fill with the emotion so much that you cannot breathe and you try and escape, but it just pushes you even further under.

  Then… it spits you out. But it doesn’t really. It’s changed you forever and it would never truly leave, but parts just left… leaving an emptiness that you had never noticed before it happened.

  An aching, soul-crushing emptiness that can only be fixed by the person who caused it in the first place.

  Passion so fiery that it left my flesh scarred when it was done with.

  Forgetting it…

  I don’t even think I physically can do it.

  But… I must.

  I have to.

  Chapter 9

  Joanne sometimes says things that hit just… too close to home. She looked me in the eye after Sarah asked me to come back to the vacation. It cut me deep.

  Sarah came to my room. I was planning on going on that vacation around the world. Exploring all it has to offer me.

  Sarah and Joanne said they wouldn’t mind coming along. That I was someone who needed the company. I couldn’t truly be happy if I was to be alone.

  They both care about me so much, and I can’t even imagine where I would be without their love and support. They were more like parents to me than my real parents were.