by Shyla Colt
I’m almost envious of the love I can see clearly on her face. What would it be like to have that? I slowly reach out, place a hand on her shoulder and squeeze.
“The two of you will be fine.”
“Yeah, that’s what Jess keeps saying.”
“Where is Jess?”
“Spending the day with her Godchild and secretly giving me time to decompress before my crazy spills out all over the place.”
“Come on, let’s get you some candy.”
“What?”
“You can’t be sad when eating candy. It’s been scientifically proven.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeap.” I pop the p, and she laughs. It makes me feel victorious, and I haven’t done a thing really. I place a hand on the small of her back. She tenses but relaxes, and I hold my position as I guide her to Cousin’s Candy. We step inside the building and the heaviness lifts. The wooden trough and baskets house old-fashioned candy along with giant glass jars. They have it all. Everything from salt water taffy, licorice of all flavors to the more modern pop rocks and lollipop lines the shelves.
“I love Saltwater Taffy,” she says.
“Then we have a starting point.” I guide her over to the area, and her face lights up.
“There are so many good flavors.”
“So get them all.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? It’s my treat. I owe you for getting me out. Men don’t usually do fun stuff like this when they go out together. I see the city in a whole new light.”
I grab a bag of lemon and strawberry and offer them up. “There I broke the seal. Now you pick two more, and we’ll share.”
“I don’t need you to pay my way, Jagger.”
“I’m not. I’m treating you. There’s a huge difference. I’m sorry if your last man didn’t get that. You’re not going to owe me because I buy you small things, alright? I’m not that kind of man. If I wanted that type of set up, I’d have it by now.”
“Wow.”
“Just being straight up. You want to know, ask me. I’m not the type to waste energy lying.”
She studies me quietly. The seconds tick by. Without saying a word, she grabs vanilla and licorice taffy and hands them to me. Good girl. We continue to browse, and I toss Now and Laters and Pop Rocks onto our pile.
“You’re going to help me work this off later, right?”
I peer down at her. “I can think if plenty of ways to help you work that off, and I promise you, you’ll love every one of them.”
Her mouth forms on O. “I meant hiking.”
“We can do that too.” I wink as I walk to the register with her trailing behind me.
We walk around the small area, exploring the tiny specialty shops and working on our candy.
“I want to take you somewhere.”
“Why?”
“I want to take you for a ride on my bike.”
“I’ve never been on a motorcycle before.”
“Believe me. I’ll enjoy being your first. Don’t worry. I can be gentle and ease you into it.”
She places a hand on her neck and clears her throat. “I’m not sure.”
“You don’t trust me enough to go on a short ride?”
“Right now I trust very few people, Jagger.”
“Just up the road and back.”
Her chest heaves and she places a hand over her heart.
“B?”
She gasps for air and clutches my arm.
“You have asthma?”
She shakes her head from side to side. “I can’t. I can’t breathe.”
It’s a panic attack. “Yes, you can. Take a deep breath, and exhale.” I guide her away from the foot traffic, beside a building. “In and out, B. You’re okay. You don’t even have to ride my bike if you don’t want to,” I tease.
She gives a weak laugh, and her breathing slows. She bows her head and closes her eyes as she works through her.
“You okay?” I ask.
“Embarrassed as hell.”
“What happened?”
She shook her head. “I like you a lot, Jagger. But the thought of being alone with a man freaks me the fuck out. I thought I could do this with you, but I was wrong.”
She pushes off the wall, and I grab her wrist. “Whoa. Slow down. It’s alright.”
“It’s not. You asked me to go for a ride, and I flipped my shit. I’m not going to get over this in a day or two. My husband tried to kill me. That kind of damage is for life.”
I grit my teeth and drop her hand to keep from breaking her wrist as I ball my hands into fists. “Where is he?”
She blinks and takes a step back. “Your guess is as good as mine. If you figure it out, though, pass the info on to the police, they’d like to speak with him.”
“You mean he literally tried to kill you, don’t you?” It’s not easy to shock me, but I’m stunned.
“With his bare hands.”
“Jesus.”
“That was six months ago, so you’ll forgive me if I’m still jittery. I know you think we’d be good together, but I’m too—”
“No, you aren’t. You need us to go slower we will. Forget the bike ride, come on.” I take her hand and twine our fingers.
She blinks, clearly confused as I shift gears before she can shut down.
“You need food. We both have to eat right? Why not do it together? Come on, you like Mexican, right?”
“I. Yes, but—”
“Good, we’ll do The Cocina I saw.”
“Why aren’t you running away screaming?”
I stop and she bumps into my chest. I glance down at her. “We all have scars. Some of us have learned to hide them better, but it makes us no less wrecked. When I show you my brokenness will you turn from me?”
She shakes her head.
“And I won’t do that to you either.”
She squeezes my hand, and we continue our walk to the restaurant.
Full of food and a few drinks I walk her to her car.
“B?”
“Mmmhmm.” She turns to face me and moonlight bathes her, turning her into an otherworldly being.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
“I don’t know—”
I bend down and capture her full lips. She grips my biceps, and hums, parting her lips. I slip my tongue inside and deepen the kiss. She’s salty and sweet like the margaritas she drank. Her warm weight fits against me like she was made to be there. I cup the back of her head and slant my mouth, plundering the depths of her sweetness.
Her tongue circles mine and I groan. This act of submission and acceptance has me straining against my pants. I want to press her body against the car and grind into her. I control my instinct and continue to explore her mouth. I slid my hands down her side, squeezing her full hips. She presses closer, and I grunt. My lungs burn, and I reluctantly part to renew my oxygen supply.
She peers up at me with glazed over brown eyes.
“Whoa.”
I smile down at her. “Yeah. You good?” I ask cautiously.
She grins. “Yes. I am.” Her eyes turn as round as quarters. “I am!”
I take the keys from her, hit unlock, and open her door. “Next time we’ll work on that ride.”
“Tell me one thing that’ll prove you aren’t too good to be true.”
“Being in a motorcycle club isn’t enough?”
She shakes her head.
“I’ve never known either of my parents. My dad got himself wasted, and my mother got life in prison with no parole. I was raised by my grandmother until I was two and she died of a heart attack. Then I went into the system where I stayed until I hit eighteen. Then I never looked back.”
“I’m sorry.”
�
�We all have a past, and not all of its pretty.”
She climbs up into her seat and nods. “Thank you for sharing that.”
“You feel better?” I ask leaning in toward her.
“Yeah, I actually do.”
“I don’t tell that story to anyone, B. What we have going on is rare. I don’t claim to understand it, but I’m not going to let you go. Not until we see this thing through.”
“And how will we know when that is?” she whispers.
“Maybe the question is if it’ll ever happen.” I brush my lip against hers, and the sparks ignite. This woman has some kind of magic inside her to have me feeling this way. I pull back and run my knuckles down the side of her face. “Text me when you get home.”
“Okay.”
I put the keys in the tumbler and turn. The car comes to life, and I take a step back. I’m used to waiting for things. I can deny myself in order to win her. She needs me to go slow, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I talk a good game. The flirting is easy. Anything beyond that. Something real is out of my range. So the holding pattern benefits us both.
I step back and watch as she pulls out of the parking lot. I run my hand through my hair. I’m in deep and sinking fast. How the hell am I going to keep her from running away screaming? My life is anything but normal, and my mind is warped. I don’t think like most people. A combination of both the world I knew before joining the Kings of Chaos and the one that came after. It’s a matter of time before she sees me for who I truly am. A smarter man would walk away. But I never claimed to be a scholar. I shove my hands into my pocket and walk to my bike. The road will take away my worries, the way it always does.
Chapter Five
Blanche
I shove the laptop away from me and stand from the desk. My brain is jammed full of updated laws and requirements to practice in San Diego. Can I really do this? I’m not sure. The pressure to be okay when I feel like the sky can fall on me any second has my chest tightening. I’m a great actress. It’s a skill I had to perfect being the wife of Brooks Birling. No matter what was occurring at home, I had to be on point when out an about. The doting wife with an easy smile, chic sense of style, and sugary sweet attitude.
These days I’m pretending I’m okay. Dr. Adams is pleased with my thoughts about the future. She says thinking of going back to work is a sign of healing. I think it’s setting myself up for a huge disappointment. I haven’t forgotten the mini freak out when Jagger asked to take me on a ride. Hell, I’m embarrassed. My face heats. He responded so well. I have to wonder if he’s seen someone have panic attacks before. There’s a lot I don’t know about the man, but I don’t dare ask too much.
Because If I do, he’ll expect the same. I threw my story into the mix to push him away. I should’ve known it’d take more than a case of attempted murder to scare a biker. I can’t get him out of my head. We text nearly daily, and I see him once or twice a week. It’s a good place for us, but I find myself wanting more. I like the way he makes me feel. With Jagger, I’m more than the woman who almost met her maker at the hands of her husband. I can see the attraction in the depths of his ridiculous hazel-colored eyes. It feels good to be wanted and appreciated.
I don’t remember the last time I felt that way. With Brooks, I was a trophy. I waited on the shelf until I was needed. Then I was shined up and paraded to anyone in the near vicinity. Our sex had become mediocre and sporadic. In the end, I’d been celibate for over six months. There’s nothing like the suspicion of infidelity to cool your ardor.
I knew when he left me alone; he was getting sex from someone else. His sex drive had always been healthy. I shake my head, exasperated by the path my mind is traveling. Everything leads back to Brooks. He was my first serious boyfriend, the only man I ever loved, and the taker of my virginity. There was no escaping him. The best way to get over one man is to get under another. I’d heard the phrase. It sounded tacky at the time, but I get it now.
It’s impossible to move forward when your brain is full of those old memories. I pick up my cell phone. It’s a dangerous game I’m playing, replacing one thing with the other. But I can’t stop. Not when he silences the hateful voices that fill my skull. I need the relief only he can bring. My fingers are flying over the keys before I can talk myself out it.
You have time for me today? ~B
I get off work in an hour. Does that work? ~J
The fact that he thinks of himself as Jagger with me instead of Freeze makes my belly do flips. I know enough about motorcycle club to understand it’s a huge deal. I’ve read up online. The Kings of Chaos aren’t the Hells’ Angels, but they’re a decent size organization people respect and fear. I know his Nomad label makes him even more dangerous than most. He takes care of problems. It makes me uneasy, but my need for him outweighs any apprehension that rises. Brooks looked like an angel and ended up being the devil incarnate. I won’t judge Jagger or his people by their image. I’ll let their actions speak for themselves. His people. He hasn’t brought me around. There’s no reason to think like this. And yet, I am.
Works perfectly. ~ B
When and where? ~ J
Your choice ~ B
Am I picking you up? ~ J
Everything in me wants to tell him yes. My hand trembles and my body grows warm. I rub my chest. I’m not ready.
Not yet. ~ B
I hold my breath. Is this when he bails on the woman who treats him like she can’t trust him?
I’ll text you the place and time. ~ J
I let out the breath I’d been holding and slump my shoulders. Right or wrong, the man is becoming an important part of my life and my recovery process. I declare myself done with working on operation get back to work for the day. As much as my legal ability to work is intact, I’ve been out of the loop for far too long. Getting back in is going to involve, getting back in touch with my friends in the field, and praying they’ll vouch for me and possibly pull some strings. I don’t mind starting off part time to prove myself.
It’s the peopling involved I’m not ready to face. I shut down my laptop and move to my bedroom for a shower. I strip down, toss my clothes into the hamper in the bathroom, and step under a steamy shower stall. The heated water beads down on my flesh, loosening the tension in my muscles. I close my eyes and zone out as I allow my brain to rest. I’ve always been a thinker. I have to pro and con everything before I decide on a course of action. I used to think it was a blessing, now it’s turned into a curse. Questions I can’t answer circle around in my mind like a cyclone, exhausting me before I’ve even risen from my bed.
I’m a woman who likes to know where she’s headed. The uncertainty in my life is killing me little by little. I know it, and so does Dr. Adams, who keeps pushing me to face the things I can, and begin a tentative plan for what’s next. I grab my At the Beach bath gel and add a healthy dollop to my loofa before I begin to make circles on my skin, swearing this has nothing to do with Jagger or the things I’ve been dreaming of him doing to me.
***
I frown as I pull into the parking lot of a Walmart beside Jagger whose waiting on his bike. The sun shining down on his brown hair is catching the highlights and turning him into a rocker. He’s ruggedly handsome with his facial hair, and jeans, a rock t-shirt and plaid style. He smiles at me and climbs off, and I leave my car.
“I know you’re wondering why I asked you out here, but this is just a starting point. Today, I’m taking you for a ride, B. We won’t be gone for longer than an hour there and back, and I promise you on a day like today we’ll have plenty of company.” He holds out his hands and closes it in a come here manner. “This bike is more than a mode of transportation it’s my home. The first one I ever really had. In order for you to really be in my life, you have to accept her.”
I walk over slowly, taking deep breaths.
“She’s a beautiful girl, leather, a
nd chrome with plenty of power, and comfort.” He holds out his hand. “Give me your hand, B.”
We both ignore the way I tremble as I fulfill his request.
“Good girl. You never have to be afraid of me.” He runs my hand over the supple leather and the warm metal. “If you’re nice to her, she’ll be nice to you. This seat is called a sissy seat. It gives the passenger something to relax against so they can enjoy the ride. I want to show you the beauty of my world. You need a little freedom, and there’s nothing that compares to the way you feel riding with the sun, fresh air, and beautiful scenery. I think you’ll love it as much as I do.”
His words are a seduction. His baritone lulls me into a passive state as he paints an idealistic portrait with his words. “Can I give you that gift, B?”
I want to say yes. My body trembles. He releases my hand, wraps an arm around my waist, and pulls me to him. “Put your trust in me for an hour. Let me show you I’m nothing like the man who harmed you.”
“I- I want that,” I whisper honestly. I want to escape the dark cage I’ve been trapped in for months.
“Then let’s get it for you. Come on. First step is getting onto the bike. There’s a foot peg for you to step onto and climb over. Once you’re behind me. I want you to wrap your arms around my waist and hold on tight. When I lean into the curve and the wind you mimic me. You think you can do that for me, B?”
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Yes.”
“I know you can.” He reaches into his saddlebag and pulls out a black matte helmet. “Safety first with you. Come on.” He mounts the bike with ease and holds out his hand. I use the peg like he explained and hoist myself up. I sit down behind him and suck in a deep breath. I bow my head and breathe in and out as I fight the dizziness.
“Take your time. We’re not in any hurry.” He’s solid in front of me, and comforting. I open my eyes and raise my head.