by Shyla Colt
“You doing okay?”
“I’m hanging in there.” My voice wavers.
“First time is always the scariest. I’m going to turn her on now. You’ll enjoy that part.”
“What do you mean?”
He laughs as the beast roars to life. The vibration makes me gasp. It’s like sitting on one massive toy.
He peers over his shoulder over with a blinding white grin. “Was I right?”
I nod my head as moisture builds between my legs. I can’t remember the last time I addressed my womanly needs. They, like so many other things, were put on the back burner as I struggled to survive.
“Feet go onto the pegs just the way you have them now, arms around my waist.”
I wrap my arms around him and press my chest against his black. His leather smells like man, musk, and the outside. His warm engulfs me, sinking into my bones, and chasing away the permanent chill.
“Hold me like you mean it, girl.”
I tighten my grip, and he covers my hand with his calloused palm. “Much better. I want you to hold on to me tight as you can if you’re scared, and breathe in and out. Can you do that?”
“Yes,” I yell to be heard over the rumble wreaking havoc on my long neglected nether regions. I shift.
“I’m taking you up the Sunrise Highway through the Laguna Mountains.”
I nod my head against his back.
“Hold on.” He takes off, and I put him in a stranglehold as we jerk forward.
My chest grows tight. I open my mouth and breath in and out, focusing on the solid warmth of his body, the musk of his scent, and the rumble of the bike beneath me. The wind tugs at my ponytail and my stomach drops to my feet. Tears well as I struggle to breathe through the ache in my chest and the trembling of my limbs. I can do this. I can do this. I continue to breathe through my nose slow and steady like I’m doing Yoga. Jagger isn’t going to hurt me. He’s not Brooks.
Painfully slowly, seconds become minutes, and breathing becomes easier. I pry my eyelids open.
The scenery flies by, disappearing from view like magic. It’s a new way of experiencing travel on the road. We leave the streets and get onto Sunrise Highway. Tall trees line either side of the street. The sun winks through the branches, and I’m enchanted. Minute by minute I slowly relax and begin to enjoy the ride. It’s a huge victory winning over the attacks that have at times paralyzed me. I feel like I’m in the middle of a Bob Ross picture. The pines with their thin branches and the brilliant blue sky bring peace to my troubled soul.
The land changes as we climb along the highway. The trees taper off, and mountains covered with lush green vegetation replace them. The vibration of the bike keeps my wet, and the feel of his lithe body between my thighs contributes to my arousal. I should be embarrassed, but it feels so good, I can’t muster the decency to be the tiniest bit ashamed. I rest my cheek on his back. It’ll be awhile before I’m brave enough to fully use the seat behind me, but I like the security that comes with having it there.
I’m sad, but relieved when we turn around. My body isn’t used to being on a bike, and he’s keeping his promise.
Back in the Walmart parking lot he puts down the kickstand and lowers his feet to the ground. He turns to me. “So, what did you think?”
I act on instinct, rising up on shaky legs to connect out mouths. His lips form an O of surprise, and I plunge my tongue home, gripping his leather clad shoulders for support as I suck on his tongue. He tastes like mint and man. It’s a heady combination that goes straight to my head. I pull back and trace his lips before I slump back down in my seat.
“I guess you like the ride?”
“So much,” I breathe.
He pats my thigh. “Good, cause we’ll be taking plenty more of them.” He climbs off the bike and holds out his hand. “Let me help you down. You might have jelly legs after your first ride. It’s been nearly an hour.” I take his hand and get down on shaky legs. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me to him. “I got you.”
It’s surreal this support and care from a man who’s still very much a stranger. I press my palms against his chest and lean back to meet his gaze.
“You hungry?”
I nod my head. He didn’t ask me what I was hungry for.
“You should stop looking at me like that, B.”
“Like what?”
“Like you want me inside you as much as I want to be there.”
“Oh.” I can’t hold back the moan that bursts me.
“Give me your keys, pretty one. I’ll drive, and you can recover your land legs.”
My hand is shaking as I try to reach into my pocket.
“I got it.” He digs into my pocket, and flames lick at me. His fingers brush against my denim clad legs, and I shudder.
He growls as he steers me toward my car. “You don’t know how tempting you are right now.” He bends down, brushes my lips with his. I open my mouth, seeking more. He slips his tongue into my mouth. Our tongues circle and I press my body against his. He tugs at my ponytail, and I gasp. No one’s ever handled me that way. He bites my lower lip. “You like that, B?”
“Oh, yes,” I whisper, stunned by the things he’s awakening inside me.
“Oh, girl, you and I are going to have so much fun together.” He kisses my forehead and steps away. Despite the age difference, he’s got plenty to teach me. I’ve been sheltered and stunted. I want to experience all the things I’ve missed out on. “Come on.” He unlocks the door and helps me into my seat before he walks around to the driver’s side.
“Why are you so nice to me, Jagger?”
“I have to be nice to someone.”
I cluck my tongue. “I’m serious.”
“So am I. When I bring you around the club, you’ll see what I mean.”
“Jagger? What do you do for your club?” I ask softly.
“Mostly I work in our medical marijuana dispensary.”
“And other times?” My stomach clenches.
“Whatever else needs to be done.”
I grip the seat. He’s not going to incriminate himself, but I can hear the things he’s not saying. We’re not talking about anything legal. Does it really matter? I don’t have an answer to that question. He’s the first ray of sunshine I’ve seen. I’m not ready to let that go.
“Is that going to be a problem?”
“Not yet.”
“You asked a question. So that means I get to ask one.”
“Okay.”
“Are you hiding from someone? Your ex maybe? I notice you always do things to hide your identity.”
“My divorce was extremely high profile.”
He whistles. “Couldn’t have been easy.”
“It’s wasn’t. It still isn’t. I’m constantly afraid they’re going to find me again. I avoid most places.”
“Was he famous?”
“He is now, before he was a wealthy doctor from a family with old money, so the minute he fell from grace, the press was on it like vultures with a carcass. I used to go, and yes, I always try to downplay who I am. I’m not worried about my husband. He has his own problems not being caught. Coming back here for me would be idiotic. He’s many things, but stupid isn’t one of them.”
“Until he went off the deep end.”
I pause. “No, I think that too was part of a bigger plan. What scares me most is not knowing what that was, or if he’s finished with the destruction of the life, we once built together.”
“You think he’s hanging around here?”
“I have no clue, I know he must’ve had an idea of what he was going to do after they found my body, and a catalyst for his rash behavior.”
“You think he had a partner?” Jagger asks.
He speaks the words I’ve been afraid to admit to myself. I close my eyes as the
air grows thick. “I – I don’t want to think about it.”
“Then we won’t. But I need you to promise me if you ever feel unsafe, you’ll call me.”
The words warm me from the inside out, chasing away the chill that comes with thinking of Brooks. “I will.”
“All I needed to hear. I hope you’re in the mood for junk food because I’ve been craving In and Out for a few days now.”
Just like that, the dark cloud is placed behind us, and I have something to look forward to.
“How could I say no to In and Out?” I ask.
We end up eating outside and enjoying the sunshine.
“You seem tired today. Everything, okay?” he asks.
“I’ve been studying. I left my job as a Physical therapist about five years ago to raise my daughter, and I’m thinking about going back to it.”
“A physical therapist? I’m impressed, B.”
“I loved it. But it was demanding. You get attached to every patient and saying goodbye or seeing them reject their new limitations can be heartbreaking. I’ve been out of the loop for so long.” I shake my head. “I’m not sure I can step back in and pick up where I left off.”
“I think you could. You’re a strong woman. If you want this, you should go for it.”
I pop an animal fry in my mouth and chew on it thoughtfully. “You really think so?”
“I know so. You’ve got an almost maternal vibe to you. I’m not surprised your career involved helping people heal.”
“The best part about it was knowing I’d made a difference in someone’s life. I think we all want to make our mark on the world. This was my way do that and see it happen in real time.”
“The way your face lights up, I think you’ve already made up your mind.”
I push the animal sauce around. “Maybe. It’s going to be a game of politics to get someone to give me a chance. I been out the loop for a while and I didn’t keep in touch with my contacts.”
“Did you leave on bad terms?” he asks.
“No.”
“See, you’ll be fine.”
We finish our food in a relaxed silence. How messed up is it that I’m the only one with doubts about wether I can pull this off or not? When was I brought down so low? How the hell am I going to find my way back? It’s a maze of emotions, learned behavior, fear, and suppression. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Dr. Adams told me that up front. I’m holding up a mirror and looking at my situation for what it really was. I may not have been afraid of Brooks physically, but emotionally I’d been walking around on eggshells for years. He was an emotional terrorist pressing buttons, causing guilt, and persuading me in an almost cult-like fashion that he had all the answers, and I just didn’t know any better, little country bumpkin that I was. I was so naïve. It’s probably why he chose me. Fresh out of high school, he scooped me up young, courted me through my years at school, and molded me the way he wanted. I didn’t know any better, and by the time I did, it was too late. We had a daughter, the perfect home, bills, joint property, and an image to uphold.
Deep down, I always knew he’d make my life hell if I tried to leave. Because no one messed with the Birling legacy. Until you crash landed it. What the hell were you trying to do, Brooks? Part of me fears he’s not done with me yet.
***
“Are you going to hide Freeze from me forever?” Jesse asks. I peer at her over my coffee mug.
“What? I’m not hiding him. I’ve been slowly getting a feel for him.” I set the mug down and shove a piece of bacon into my mouth. The crisp, salty piece of mapled heaven danced along my tongue.
“With or without clothes on?” she asks.
“Jesslynn!”
She giggles, and I shake my head. “You’re still so easy to scandalize, B. Seriously, though, it’s time for mama to get some good loving. That young’in looks like he could put a hurting on a girl. The kind that would have you limping and calling him Daddy.”
“You want me to embarrass myself, don’t you?” I whisper thinking of the vast difference of experience that existed between Jagger and me.
“Girl. The minute you tell him you’ve only been with your ex-husband, he’ll be all over that. He looks like a freak too. The kind that’ll put a spit polish on your pussy.”
“Jesslynn?”
“I’m good at guessing kink. He’s the strong but silent type who can turn on the charm when he needs to. I bet he’ll blow your back out.”
“Jesslynn Turner if you don’t shut your mouth,” I hiss as heat floods my body. The thought of his head between my thighs has me tingly.
She laughs. “Oh, I can’t wait to get the call after you do the walk of shame into your house at wee hours of the morning. He’s had your number from the minute he saw you in the bar, and his whole demeanor changed.” She pops the last piece of Eggo into her mouth, and her eyes dance.
“What are you talking about? You were the one who started a conversation with him.”
“Maybe so, but it wasn’t me he turned into Mr. Nice Guy for.”
I roll my eyes. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Right. So when are we all going out together?”
“Whenever you want to.”
“Are you going to bring him around Whit?”
“It’s a little soon for that, don’t you think?”
“Maybe. But her time in San Diego is limited, and I’m sure she’d feel better if she knew who you were dating. So you should think about that.”
“I’m trying to keep her safe. I don’t know Jagger as well as I could.”
“Hold up. He’s Jagger now?”
“Well. Yeah.” My voice goes soft as I think about the man I’ve gotten to know over the past couple of months.
“Yeah, it’s official, I need to see the two of you together again, and you need to start planning on when and how you’ll introduce him to Whitney.”
“Jess—”
“She’s worried about you.”
“What?” I say stunned. I thought I was holding it together well.
“Leaving you alone here isn’t easy. She thinks she’s abandoning you, and it’s eating at her. If you show her you’re moving forward with your life it’ll help put her at ease.”
“Did she tell you this?” I whispered stunned. How could I have overlooked this?
Jess shakes her head. “No, but she didn’t have to. It’s been the two of you against the world for years. This is a huge change, and after all, that’s happened. I think she’s genuinely scared something might happen to you while she’s away. Yes, Freeze can be a bit intimidating, but in this instance, it’d be a good thing.”
“I don’t want to bring a man around who might not be there in six months or a year.”
“Why? You’re not shopping for a husband. You’re enjoying a companion. She’s already wondering where you’ve been disappearing to. ”
“Crap. She’s always been too smart for her own good,” I mumble.
“Reminds me of a girl I met when I was little.”
“Now is not the time to make mother-daughter comparisons.”
“Why? Cause you see yourself starring back at you?” she asks in a sing-song voice.
“Don’t sound so amused.”
“I’ll try to curb my enthusiasm. So plan something for the three of us. Better yet, maybe see if he has a sexy friend. The leather vest does it for me.”
“Cut.”
“Pardon me?”
“They call the leather vest a Cut.”
“Look at biker bitch number one,” Jess crows.
“You’re such a jerk,” I say elbowing her as I giggle.
“What? I’m calling it how I see it.”
“You’re so full of it, you little extortionist.”
“Me.” She places her hand on he
r chest and gasps.
“Yes, you little actress. I’ll arrange something with him. How was your second meeting with the local boutique?”
“Really good. I think we’re going to end up signing a contract before I leave. The ladies in town would love to get a little bling and style straight from the Gold Coast. I’ll set up a special section for it and everything. If it does well, we’ll expand it to include more. I think it’ll give Posh a competitive edge.”
I smile. “Only you would find a way to better your business while on vacation.”
“I can’t let the girls’ back home think it was all fun and games. They were amazing to let me come.”
“It’s been forever since you took any serious amount of time off too, though.”
She sighs. “I know. I just felt compelled to hit it hard. I was in my mid-thirties and not where I wanted to be. I had to change it.”
“And now?”
“Now I’m happy with where the shop is, but not where I am personally. I sacrificed a lot to get where I am now, and I’m feeling that loneliness. Coming here to support you was also a way for me to step back and reexamine my life.”
“I had no idea you felt that way.”
“I know. I hide it easily. But facts are facts. If I want to have kids, I need to seriously consider my options.”
“Wait. Is there a man in the wings I don’t know about?”
She snorts. “No. I wish. That would make this easier. I just can’t see settling. I’ve never done that with anything else. Why would I start now when it comes to the man I’ll be spending the rest of my life with?”
“You shouldn’t. Even when you think it’s right, marriage is a challenge, and people change.”
“That’s what scares me most. I don’t know who I’ll be in ten years, how can I expect another person to change with me in a complementary manner?”
“We’ve seen it done many times back home,” I say.
“Have we, though? I mean how many of those women do you think are truly happy? We’re all about smoke and mirrors. You put on your best face and hide the ugliness.”
“Pretty cynical, Jess.”
“It’s why I’ve always been single.”