Sinful Alibi

by Shari Hearn

  “We didn’t steal it,” Marge said from the back seat. “The Martin Brothers said we could borrow it anytime we wanted.”

  “Is that true?” he asked Ida Belle.

  “In a manner of speaking, they did.” Ida Belle jabbed her thumb back toward Marge. “Marge said to them, ‘Hey, maybe we could borrow it sometime.’ They said, ‘Hah, hah, anytime.’”

  “Ahh,” he said.

  “This is anytime,” said Marge.

  Walter looked into the back seat. “Is that you, Miss Dolly?”

  “They kidnapped me!” she screamed. “You can’t believe a word they say. Especially if they say I said something I didn’t.”

  Walter looked questioningly at Ida Belle.

  “I believe if you take Paul Corbett’s and Miss Dolly’s fingerprints, you’ll find a match to the fingerprints on the nail gun,” Ida Belle said.

  Walter cocked his head at her. She’d known him long enough to know that meant he was totally confused. But she continued anyway. “And if you check Philomena’s medicine, you’ll find they’re sugar pills, courtesy of one Dolly Harkins, who conspired with one Wade Guillory to ensure his wife died sooner than her given six months. Dolly admitted to the whole thing.”

  “Not true!” Dolly yelled, but then looked at Marge and muttered, “I don’t get it. The bitch is still alive. She should be gone by now.”

  Ida Belle rolled her eyes. “As for ‘stealing’ the Wienermobile, well, the Martin brothers did say we could borrow it ‘anytime.’ Did they mean it literally? Who am I to say? Marge did double-check. Can we help it if they meant it as a joke? To that, I say they should learn how to joke better.”

  Walter shook his head. He told Ida Belle to follow him to his vehicle. Once he finished radioing into the sheriff’s department to inform them of everything she’d just told him, he turned to her and sighed.

  “Broussard’s not going to like it that two girls solved his crime for him. You best watch your back with him. He could make your life rough.”

  “Then it’s good Sheriff Lee’s looking for a replacement. Broussard shouldn’t be a deputy if he gets mad that the truth comes out and justice is served. Maybe you’ll think about going permanent on the department.”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “I’d rather run the General Store. I have to tell you, I don’t much like arresting you. And I have a feeling I’d have to do that a lot in the future if I stayed on. Wouldn’t look good for a deputy to have to keep arresting his wife.”

  The word was like a bucket of ice dumped over her head. It shook her core. “Wife? Says who? Because I don’t recall me ever saying, ‘yes’ to marriage. In fact—”

  He held up a hand to stop her. “I know. You said, ‘Aww, Walter, why ruin a good thing? Besides, I’ll only be in Sinful for three months.’ I think you’re afraid if you stay, you’ll say ‘yes.’”

  She brought her eyes level with his. Was he right? She wasn’t sure. That’s what bothered her. “I say you’d better take your prisoner back to Sinful jail and let us get the Wienermobile back to the Martin brothers before they wake up.”

  Walter removed a kicking and screaming Dolly from the Wienermobile and waved goodbye as he sped off with his prisoner. Ida Belle turned to find Marge in the driver’s seat.

  “My turn,” she called down to her, grinning.

  Ida Belle crossed to the other side and climbed the ladder into the cabin, sliding into the passenger seat. “Before we return our ride to the Martin brothers, we should cruise on back to the turnout to the pond and check on Gertie and Gill.”

  “You read my mind,” Marge said, peeling away from the side of the road. “She still thinks Gill’s in on the murder. That can make a girl do crazy things.”

  Ida Belle nodded. “And when the girl is Gertie, you can multiply that by ten.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  GERTIE SAT ON THE BLANKET and stared at Gill, who was sitting on the ground with his hands cuffed behind him. She’d spent the past ten minutes not saying a word, just staring at him. Her request to him was simple. “Confess what you did wrong. And you know what that is.” That was all she’d said. Then she sat back and stared at him. Usually it got a subject talking.

  She never learned it in spy training, but rather it was something her Granny Magoo used to do when she was little, minus the handcuffs. Her granny would say, ‘Confess’ and then give her grandkids the silent treatment, staring at them with a look of disappointment. Gertie would find herself admitting to all sorts of things.

  So far, the things Gill was admitting to amounted to small potatoes. Like stealing pens from his office. “You can’t find those kinds at the stationery stores. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but they fit my hand just so.” Then he graduated to his affair with Bonnie, admitting that they’d slept together numerous times. “What kind of girl does that before marriage?”

  You’re looking at one was what she wanted to respond but refrained from doing so. Now was not the time to recount her love life after joining the Army.

  Now his confessions approached more recent times.

  “I admit I wasn’t really looking for possum droppings the night I saw you in the woods. I was looking for the baseball cap my Aunt Dolly asked me to search for. The one belonging to my uncle.”

  “Go on,” Gertie said.

  “I was afraid to tell you about it because you were looking for the killer’s baseball cap and I thought you’d think they were the same caps.”

  “I think there’s something you’re leaving out,” Gertie said.

  “Okay,” Gill cried out. “I confess! After I left the woods, I went to Bonnie’s house. Now, don’t get jealous. I’ve held a candle for Bonnie ever since we broke up five years ago. But after meeting you at dinner and then in the woods, I knew that you were now my light, so I went to Bonnie’s house to tell her I was officially over her.”

  Gill chewed on his lips as he recounted what had happened next. “Wouldn’t you know it, but she answered the door in her pink nightie. Said she was planning on turning in early. You know how men are. I couldn’t resist her. I ended up retiring to her bed with her for about an hour. I was so ashamed of myself for giving in to my very natural male response. You have to believe me. I told her right then that she was a tramp and I realized it was you I really wanted. Someone pure.” He frowned. “Do you know what she did? She threw my pants at me, ordered me to put them on and leave. Didn’t even give me my underwear and shirt. Once out the door she threw me my shoes, without socks I might add, and said she never wanted to see me again. Which is fine with me because I’m totally free to be yours. If you’ll take me.”

  He looked at her with a puppy dog look to his pathetic face.

  Gertie crossed her arms. “I don’t give a rat’s behind who you sleep with as long as it isn’t me. And how dare you call Bonnie a tramp when you did the very same thing.” He started to speak but she shushed him. “I want to go back to that cap. You’re lying to me about it. That was your cap. The one you dropped in the woods after killing Mr. Guillory. Why did you do it, Gill? Why did you kill him?”

  His eyes grew large. “That’s what this is about? I didn’t kill anyone. I swear!”

  Gertie got up and strolled over to him. Knelt beside him. “You know what? I see a huge anthill a few yards from us. Do you think you could remember better if I dragged you on top of it?”

  He screamed. “Help! I swear to you, I didn’t do it.”

  She stared at him, then looked over at the anthill, then back at him.

  “He’s right.”

  Gertie looked up at the sound of Ida Belle’s voice and saw her and Marge walking up the path toward them.

  “He didn’t kill Mr. Guillory. It was Dolly Harkins and Paul Corbett,” Marge said.

  “What?” Gill cried out.

  “That’s impossible,” Gertie said. “Of course he did.”

  Ida Belle shook her head. “He didn’t know anything about it. Miss Dolly said she sent him looking for the bas
eball cap and told him it was her brother’s. Then she confessed to helping Paul Corbett shoot Guillory with the nail gun.”

  “My Aunt Dolly shot Wade Guillory?” Gill’s jaw hung open.

  “Then why did Gill try to kill me?” Gertie asked.

  Gill swung his gaze over to Gertie. “Kill you? I didn’t try to kill you! You tried to kill me. You said some gal named Eloise was going to help you!”

  “You most certainly did try to kill me.” Gertie scanned the area and spotted the garrote lying in the grass. “You came up behind me with that wire. You were going to strangle me.”

  Gertie pointed to it sparkling in the sun. Marge walked over and picked it up. “This?” she asked, holding up a silver chain with a silver heart dangling from it. She cracked a smile as she read the inscription. “Be my girl.”

  “I was going to place it around your neck,” Gill said. “With a kiss. And a proposal. It was in lieu of an engagement ring which I ordered from the Montgomery Ward catalog.”

  Gertie glanced at Ida Belle and Marge, who were giving one another looks and trying not to laugh.

  “Not funny,” Gertie said to them.

  “Kinda is,” Marge said back.

  Gertie pulled the key from her pocket and unlocked the handcuffs. “For the record, I would never have dragged you over to the anthill.”

  “Yeah, she’s deathly afraid of ants.”

  “Shut up, Marge,” Gertie said, firing a warning look at her. She tried to help Gill up, but he shooed her away.

  “You’re insane,” he said. He went over to Marge and grabbed the necklace from her. Looked back at Gertie. “I should file an assault charge on you.”

  Gertie rolled her eyes. “Does Mother know you slept with Bonnie the other night?”

  Gill pursed his lips. “But I won’t report you.” He grabbed the ice chest.

  “I thought not.” Gertie gathered the blanket and followed the others as they trudged back to the road.

  Once they arrived at the turnout, Gill stormed to his car.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Gertie asked.

  “No, the dinner with our families is off,” he said, but then his face took on a pathetic, hopeful look. “Unless you’re ready to take back all those horrible things you did and said to me and agree to be my wife.”

  “No. Did you really have the dog hair analyzed?”

  He lifted his chin in the air. “Yes, Gertie, I did. That’s the kind of honorable man I am.” He got in his car and slammed the door behind him.

  Gertie waved as he took off down the road. “I can feel you laughing, Marge.” Gertie turned around and saw Marge’s lip quivering, then felt her own lip quiver. “What the hell, it was funny, wasn’t it?”

  The three leaned against the Wienermobile and howled as Gertie recounted Gill’s story of sleeping with Bonnie, then howled again when Marge recounted her interrogation in the Wienermobile and how Walter had stopped them. Gertie noticed Ida Belle stop laughing at the mention of Walter’s name. She reached over and squeezed her friend’s shoulder.

  Their mission over for the day, Ida Belle pulled down the ladder to enter the cabin of the Wienermobile. A Mustang convertible zoomed past then screeched to a stop, backed up and pulled off the road in front of the giant hot-dog-on-wheels. It was Louanne and her prisoner, Gabby.

  “We’re having a baby!” Gabby cried out.

  “Marie’s in labor!” Louanne shouted. “We’re heading over to the hospital.”

  Ida Belle hopped on the ladder. “We’ll be right behind you.”

  “We solved the murder!” Gertie said, pumping her fist.

  “Of course you did,” Louanne said, grinning. “You’re my girls.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  MARGE WAS THE FIRST to poke her head inside the hospital room. Marie was sitting upright in bed wearing a blue nightie, her focus directed toward a standing nurse, who held a baby wrapped in pink. Marge turned back to the others and whispered, “It’s a girl.”

  “Are you going to gawk at me, or are you coming in the room and saying hello to Sinful’s newest resident?” Marie called out.

  Marge stepped inside. A tear ran from Marie’s eyes as the nurse handed the baby to her. “Isn’t she beautiful?”

  Marge nodded. “That’s because you’re her mother. She takes after you.”

  “Which is good because Harvey’s family has those weird looking big ears,” Gertie whispered to Marge as she, Ida Belle, Louanne and Gabby stepped in the room.

  Marie looked over at them. “I heard that.”

  Gertie’s cheeks flushed. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” Marie said. “I prayed before going into surgery that my baby would have my ears.” Marie teared up again. “She does.”

  “Speaking of Harvey...” Louanne said.

  “He’s in St. Charles on business. He’ll be back tonight. If you wouldn’t mind calling my in-laws, Miss Louanne, I’d appreciate it. For some reason, they slipped my mind.”

  Louanne began to cringe, but then put on a big, fake smile. “Be my pleasure.” Which of course it wasn’t, Marge knew that. Louanne and Mrs. Chicoron had about as much regard for one another as Marge and Celia.

  “But that’s okay. Y’all are here.” Marie positioned her baby to face them. “See, Emily, this is part of your family. Maybe not the kind that’s related by blood, but still family. There’s Miss Louanne.”

  Louanne held up her hand to wave. Due to the handcuffs holding their arms together, Gabby’s hand lifted as well. “And that’s Miss Louanne’s prisoner. Miss Louanne is a bounty hunter, so don’t you go breaking any baby laws or Miss Louanne will have to go get you.”

  Gabby pulled Louanne with her as she approached the bed and presented Marie with a pair of baby booties. “I’ve been knitting these the past week.”

  “Oh, my goodness, they are beautiful,” Marie said as Gabby placed them on the bed. “Is it too forward of me to ask if you’re wanted for anything serious?”

  “I whacked off part of my husband’s right buttock with an axe.”

  Marie laughed.

  “He was not the kind of man you’d want little Emily to marry,” Gabby said.

  Marie shook her head. “No kidding. Especially with a right buttock missing. No, we want my little girl to marry someone with a complete set of butt cheeks.”

  Marge could tell Marie was still a bit loopy from the medications used to aid the birth process.

  “Okay, where was I?” Marie said, turning back to Emily. “Oh, yes. The tall one with the straight blonde hair is Ida Belle. She will be one of your godmothers. She’s quite agile and handy with a gun. Maybe someday she’ll teach you how to shoot because your daddy couldn’t hit the side of a barn if he was standing a foot away from it. And there’s Gertie, the one with the light-brown hair. She is the best cook in all of Sinful. Used to be her mother was, but now that she’s back from Vietnam, Gertie is.”

  Marie looked up at Marge and smiled. “And this is Marge. My best friend in the whole world. Her given name is Margarette, and you’ll recognize it because that’s your middle name.”

  Marge momentarily felt her breath taken away. “What? She has my name for a middle name?”

  Marie nodded. She looked back at her baby. “I hope she teaches you to be kind, yet fierce and brave.” Tears spilled from Marie’s eyes. “And I really hope they all decide to stay in Sinful.” She looked at Gabby. “Even you. Sinful can always use a woman handy with an axe. So who wants to hold her?”

  Louanne was the first to volunteer. She and Gabby held her together. Louanne shot an expectant glance at Ida Belle, who suddenly looked like a deer in headlights.

  “Me?” Ida Belle asked. She looked at the baby. “She’s cute and all, but... you know I never had any younger brothers and sisters. And I never babysat any kids. I mean, she’s so fragile.”

  Marge noticed Gertie backing away toward the door. She was almost over the threshold when Ida Belle pointed to her and said, “Let Gertie hold h
er.”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Marie said. “Gertie was the baby of her family. The only thing she knows about babies is how to be one.”

  “I never really felt all that comfortable around babies,” Gertie said.

  Her friends were pathetic, Marge thought. They spent nine years spying for the U.S. Army, could subdue a man twice their weight with any number of martial arts moves and were now turning to wimps over the thought of holding a baby. Marge stepped forward. “I would be honored to hold little Emily.”

  Marge cradled the baby in her arms. She had a couple of younger siblings and had to do her share of childcare while growing up. Though she never wanted a baby, she was a natural around them. She touched baby Emily’s cheek and thought how this girl was being born into a different world than Marge had been. It was changing. Yes, there was war and world tensions, but women were now allowed to help find solutions. “You can be whatever you want to be,” Marge whispered to Emily. “Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.”

  The nurse took Emily from Marge and reminded them that Marie had been through a lot and needed some rest. After being ushered out into the hallway, Marge took one look back and blew a kiss to baby Emily, wishing her a great first day in this world. After closing the door, she turned back to the group and noticed the incredulous looks on Ida Belle’s and Gertie’s faces.

  “What? I can’t wish a baby well?”

  “I have never seen you blow a kiss to anyone in all the years I’ve known you,” Ida Belle said.

  Gertie nodded. “I know. She’s getting soft.”

  “Am not,” Marge said. “I just think this baby needs all the best wishes she can get. She has Harvey Chicoron as a father.”

  Gertie laughed. “Which means she’s going to be a trust fund baby.”

  “There are more important things than having a trust fund,” Marge said.

  “Who feels like some ice cream in the hospital cafeteria?” Louanne asked. “You can get me caught up on who committed the murder.”