Meant for More

by Liza James

  "It's okay, Carter. Shit, I'm fine." Blooms voice is laced with frustration and the tiniest beat of embarrassment. My hand absently reaches for her hip and I drag her toward me and away from the fuckwad on the ground.

  "Where the hell is Benj?" I ask, anger finally working its way through my chest when the adrenaline finally subsides. Now, I'm just fucking pissed. At both of them. "He should have been here for this shit."

  "He went to the bathroom. Calm down, okay? It's not a big deal," she replies, pressing against my chest so she can put some distance between us. Liv finally breaks through the crowd and reaches our little space, and for a quick instant, I wish it was just Bloom and I while we argue.

  "Calm down," I repeat, feeling the condescending tone in the words she spoke. "Calm the fuck down." My head swims, and my body is getting heavier and heavier. I'm usually much better than this. Honestly, Bloom is the actual worst person for me to be a bad drunk with. But here we are, and everything is spiraling out of control far quicker than I anticipated.

  What is my fucking deal tonight?

  A large, heavy hand quickly falls on my shoulder and I whip my head around, my fingers still gripping Bloom's hip and keeping her near me. "Benj, where the fuck were you?" I bite out, throwing his hand off of me when he steps back in surprise.

  "I was upstairs, Carter. Taking a fucking piss. What the hell is going on?" He steps toward me and I can tell he's trying to contain whatever is exploding in this small space. Bloom shifts herself around and comes to stand in between Benj and I, twisting her head back and forth when she places her palms on each of our chests.

  "Nothing is going on, goddamn it. Can I take you home, Carter? Please?" Her voice is tense, straining against each word through her tight lips while her eyes try to focus on my own. I sway forward unintentionally, pinning Bloom between myself and Benj when he tries to push me back.

  And it does nothing but piss me off even more. Nothing seems to make sense tonight, and I should never have drank this much during the on season. My tolerance is clearly trash. So, I shove him back, and suddenly the entire room starts giving us space while circling around us.

  "What the fuck do you guys think you're doing?" Lucas's voice shouts beside us and I know he's hurrying forward, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see Liv step in front of him, trying to explain what's happening.

  "You should have been here when that asswipe was pushing Bloom to drink!" I shout angrily, and Bloom sighs in frustration again as I stalk us forward. Benj moves toward me as well, and places his hand on my shoulder in order to hold me away from him while Bloom continues standing between us. "This is why I can't fucking trust you to take care of her."

  "Seriously? Because I went to the fucking bathroom? Do you even hear yourself, Carter?" Benj shouts back and I can feel the heat rising up my neck and spreading through my flesh. My head is pounding, and I want to launch forward when Blooms hands quickly land on either side of my face.

  "Look at me," she whispers, and she forces me to tilt my head down to do exactly as she says. "I'm taking you home."

  "Not yet," I say as my lips flatten into a tight line of agitation. I glance back up and see that Liv and Lucas have stepped next to Benj, the three of them watching us while the room finally begins resuming their drunken activities.

  "Now. I'm fine, okay? Benj did nothing wrong and you clearly need to call it a night. Let's go home before you do something that will damage your football career and your friendships." She pushes us backwards, leaving her hands on my face so I'm forced to only focus on her.

  Everything begins changing, settling in my chest and my head while I watch her. Because at least I know she's okay. She's safe, and I don't have to worry about her with Benj because I have her with me.

  I have her with me.

  "Tell Liv I'm sorry and I'll text her in the morning. She's going to be pissed," I say, feeling my words slur together in certain pieces. Bloom releases her hold on me and steps ahead, taking my hand in hers while we walk toward the front of the house.

  "A lot of people are going to be pissed with you." She pulls open the front door and we stride into the chilly night air. I stumble a step as we move toward the stairs and she immediately moves next to me, throwing my arm over her shoulders as we slowly walk down. "Including me."

  I look down at her, watching the way she tilts her head to the ground in order to make sure neither of us fall. She guides us, and I don't have to see the strain on her features to know this situation is wildly uncomfortable for her.

  Her dad is an alcoholic.

  Suddenly, everything feels heavier. In my heart, in my gut, in the mental space I’m slipping into. Guilt and disappointment in myself build inside of me like a knot, churning in reminders of how this most likely hurts her.

  Damn it. I never wanted to hurt her, I wanted to take care of her.

  I twist my fingers in her hair and tug down as we reach the last step. She silently turns her face toward mine, her dark eyes swirling with a mixture of pain and disappointment.

  "Tell me why you're upset," I say, internally hoping she's brutally honest. I need to hear her say it. I want to know how I pained her in this, it's my best form of punishment.

  "You know why," she replies quietly. She glances up and down the street until she sees my Jeep and immediately turns us in that direction while we continue walking,

  "I want to hear you say it."

  She scoffs and looks toward me, her small frame slipping easily against my own. "I don't know why you always do this. Why do you want me to tell you that?"

  Because I need it.

  I'm quiet for a few moments, unsure of how to answer honestly while my head is spinning so rapidly. We reach my Jeep and she steps away, letting me rest against the passenger door when she holds out her hand expectantly for the keys.

  I move slowly, my hands lazily patting my chest and stomach and pockets under the glow of the flickering streetlight. I swear I'm feeling everywhere, but I can't find the damn things to save my fucking life. "What the hell. I know they're here," I mutter under my breath, stumbling forward when Bloom's hands gently push me back against the Jeep.

  She groans out in frustration and steps against me, taking the initiative by slipping her fingers into my pockets herself and feeling around for the set of keys. "I'll find them," she says quietly, easily, sweetly.

  My eyes fall to her jaw line. She won't look at me, and instead keeps her eyes on the ground at my feet. Her hair slips over her face, and her fingers fumble in the front pockets when she can't seem to find them. I step forward and her fingers twist into the front of my shirt so she can use her fist to keep me steady. She quickly glances up, worry stretching across her face with wide eyes and tight lips as if she thinks I'm going to fall over.

  “Back pockets," I say just as my hands absently fall to both sides of her face. I tilt her head up and let my eyes search her own.

  It's confusing, how I'm feeling right now. Because part of me feels like I'm seeing her for the very first time. Her hair slips against my fingers, my thumbs brush along her jaw and creamy skin.

  I feel her suck in a breath while her hands slide into the back of my jeans and begin digging around. I narrow my eyes at her and drag my thumb across her lower lip for a single moment that seems to stretch on for hours.

  "I've known you since you were eight," I say, my voice twisting into something low and curious. "And I feel like I've never actually seen you before. Why have I not seen you?"

  She stills, her body completely frozen in my hold while we stand by my old Jeep. Her eyes bounce between my own, and I can practically see her pulse thumping at the base of her throat. I wish things would stop spinning so I could focus on whatever the fuck is going on right here.

  "Got them," she finally says, her voice quiet and simple when she pulls out her hand and my keys jingle in the silent space. She pulls away and out of my hold, but for the first time in countless years, it feels like I've missed something.

 
Something imperative. Something monumental.

  "Get in the car," she demands as she opens the passenger door and helps me climb inside. She reaches across my lap and buckles me in but I make sure to reach for her jaw and force her to look at me.

  "It's not a car—" I say and just as I'm about to finish my sentence she interrupts first.

  "—it's a Jeep. I know, I know." Laughing, she steps back and shuts the door. She hurries around the front of the vehicle and jumps inside, sliding the key in the ignition and bringing my baby to life.

  I drop my head against my fist and lean against the window, focusing on slowing the crazy spins surrounding my vision. Bloom tends to be a speeder, so when she rounds the corner, the Jeep naturally tilts heavily to one side and I have to grip the handle above in order to stay upright. "All right, speed demon. Drive a little slower while your passenger is about to puke, deal?"

  "You'd be puking in your own Jeep, so…" She rips the wheel to one side on the next turn, throwing me against the window and doorframe this time instead.

  I groan out, forcing the nausea back when it rolls up my throat. "Mother fucker. Is this punishment?"

  "For being an ass tonight? Yes." She looks my way for a quick moment, giving me a pointed look with clear irritation. I get it, I get it.

  "I don't know what my problem is tonight." Lies. I have an idea of what's eating at me. But it shouldn't be, that's the issue. We're alone though, and I could ask her if I really wanted to know. I'm contemplating being straightforward about it and just as I'm opening my mouth, Bloom slows the Jeep down in front of the Titan Team House.

  "Take a hot shower, drink lots of water and take this." Bloom leans back and slides her hand into the front pocket of her overalls, her back arches against the seat unintentionally and I can't help but notice the slight curve of her figure, leading to the bend in her waist and swell of her hips.

  I look away, because I'm clearly far too drunk, and this is getting mildly out of hand.

  She taps my shoulder in the next moment and I glance down to see the small white package pinched between her fingers. I look up at her, raising my eyebrows in disgust and moving to open the door. "No way, that shit is gross."

  "Goody's may be gross, but they do the job on hang overs. You know they do. Take it with some water and it'll be over quick. You'll thank me in the morning, QB. Don't you have practice?" Oh god, don't remind me. Not yet.

  I let my head fall back against the seat with a thud, but it just sends a new wave of pounding thumps inside my skull so I wince and sit up again. I take the packet of necessary evil and finally reach out to pull open the door. I miss the handle the first time, but lazily fumble until my fingers finally grip the lever and unlatch it. Climbing out, I turn back toward Bloom—I'm not ready to go inside yet. "Come in? We can watch movies and pass out on the couch."

  Her eyes stay focused on mine, but her face falls slightly at my offer. "I don't think Benj would love coming home to you and I passed out on the couch." She speaks quietly, and suddenly I'm irritated all over again at how this would change our friendship—if she and Benj got together.

  "Fuck Benj," I say, straightening my shoulders as best I can and making my words clear.

  She smiles sympathetically. "I don't think Liv would love finding us passed out on the couch either, would she?" Her voice drops even lower. Hesitant at the topic she's approaching, but I'm not ready to confront whatever is happening between Liv and I. I don't know exactly how I feel yet and if I know anything at all, it's that tonight has shifted a lot of things in my head for some reason.

  "All right, Baby Bloom. Take my Jeep and go babysit the others. They need you," I recite the words I know I logically need to say, even if the fact grates against my skin. "Bring it back tomorrow though. I have practice at six a.m."

  She nods and smiles, wiggling her fingers at me in goodbye. I quickly lean across the seats in the Jeep and unclip my house key from the main chain. My hand brushes against her knee and an unfamiliar feeling sparks along my skin. It's not like I've never touched her before, I have. A million times. But everything is different right now and I need time to process this when I'm fucking sober.

  I shut the door and turn around, slowly making my way up the small stairway and unlocking the front door. Stepping inside, everything is silent. The large space houses countless dudes on a day-to-day basis, it's messier than I’d like, and could use a serious deep clean. I hate that about sharing a home with other guys, nothing is ever exactly how I’d envision it. I'm a bit of a cleaner though, simply because I like my space in my order. If my environment is clean and clear, so is my head.

  So, I make my way upstairs and into my own room, my own space. Everything in here is exactly where I want it to be and stepping inside is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I walk forward and shut my door behind me, eyeing the wide expanse of my queen-sized bed and fantasizing about how fucking good that's about to feel.

  Gray sheets, gray comforter. Accents of blue and white scattered around my room in Titan and Burnhardt University colors. Everything seems perfect on the outside.

  So, why is everything a chaotic mess on the fucking inside?

  I drive back to the Theta Si house in silence. My head swims with an assortment of thoughts. I replay every conversation tonight, every interaction, every possible logical reason as to why Carter was acting the way he was.

  My dad. The call. Carter drinking and his clear outbursts of anger and agitation.

  What the fuck happened tonight?

  I don't understand. But by the time I arrive at the party again, I'm ready to call it a night and head to bed. The house is still pulsating with music, people are scattered around the front yard in little cliques or couples. Cups are strewn about the house, in various places and I know I'll be out in the yard tomorrow morning helping clean up the mess.

  As I walk through the grass, I pick up any empty cups I can manage on the way inside. A few people offer me their trash as I pass them, and while I want to tell them to throw their own shit away, I know they won't and it'll end up on the ground. So, I take them and squeeze through the drunken crowd in order to toss everything away in the kitchen.

  "Bloom," Benj's voice shouts behind me and I turn around, watching as he stalks toward me from the living room. "You get Carter home okay?"

  "Yeah." I turn back toward the trash and crush down the heaping load with some paper towels and the palms of my hands. "Told him to take a hot shower and a Goody's and go to sleep."

  "Fuck, I hate Goody's," he says, pinching up his nose in disgust.

  I laugh, "You don't hate them the morning after, do you?" Suddenly, Liv's long and slender arms wrap tightly around my shoulders as she races up next to me. Her eyes are glassy and she's laughing uncontrollably. She's such a happy drunk, the best kind honestly, and I'm grateful for her in this moment.

  "Put princess to sleep?" She giggles and tips her head back while she takes another sip.

  I nod and smile, eager to step away and head upstairs to my bedroom. I want to have my own space again, recharge after everything that's unfolded this evening. I step away, and Liv reaches for my hand to follow with me.

  "You calling it a night already?" Benj asks, leaning back against the counter and crossing his thick arms over his chest. My eyes fall to the movement unknowingly, but I quickly look back up to his eyes when my cheeks burn red.

  "Ah, yeah. I'm exhausted and I know I'll be up early to clean this mess." I take a single step back but he immediately steps forward. He keeps coming closer and I instinctually move backwards at the same rate. Liv releases her hold on me and distances herself several feet, surrendering me to Benj as he moves closer.

  Back, back, back—thump.

  My shoulders hit the wall behind me and a confident smile lifts Benj's lips when one of his hands lands on the wall beside my head. My heart picks up speed, and I can't help but look down his body as it hovers over mine. Such a strong chest, tapering down over his waist and narrow h
ips. His thighs are huge—powerful and I absently wonder what it would be like to be tucked between—

  "Bloom," his deep voice rumbles above me. I quickly look up and snap to attention. "Thanks for taking Carter home. You're too good for him."

  A small laugh spills from my lips because I'm awkward and unsure how to respond to this. I've never been great at serious moments, and when I don't know what to do—I laugh. "I can handle him. It has been thirteen years."

  "I'm sure you can," he says quietly as he leans a little closer and dips his head so he's looking directly into my eyes. "But maybe you can try handling someone else for a little while."

  I pause, my heart thundering in rapid beats of uncertainty and intrigue.

  Shit, is he hitting on me?

  I wish I knew exactly, but it's been so long since I've actually dated someone. I've been so content in my friendships and my art. But I'm curious about this, and I'd be lying if I didn't feel something with Benj being this close. My skin is achy and my stomach twists with both nerves and something else.

  I can feel the energy growing between us, but I don't know how to respond in a way that's sexy and flirtatious. How does someone even do that? Flirt, I mean.

  "I want to come up with some witty remark right now. Something flirty and—I don't know—cool?" I nervously slide my hands into the pockets of my overalls, and my hair slips forward over my eyes when I glance down. "But I don't exactly know what to say or what to do. So, if you want to do this, you're going to have to show me how."

  Wow, this is even more awkward. Did I just accidentally tell him I'm a virgin? Fuck. Not the bridge I wanted to cross tonight. Shit. Fuck.

  He laughs, something low and still buried in his chest when his hand comes up and slips around the nape of my neck. He leans forward, dropping his lips to brush over my ear when he speaks. "I'll show you everything, flower girl. Don't worry about that."